From Toshiya With Love

by Arashi

Part 7

Kaoru strode through the sheets of rain in a fast, hurried pace,
already soaked to the bone. He clutched a dirty piece of paper in his
hand. *Where is he, where is HE! He can't have gone far!* The late
morning was still so dark, and the rain blinded him, an obstacle to
his search. He had to find Toshiya! That was a misunderstanding that
couldn't stay unresolved.

His eyes had caught the letter at the last minute. The reason why he
had stopped in his hurry to pick it up, he didn't know it. But all
he'd needed to see were the *Dear Kaoru, I love you,* and Love,
*Toshiya* that jumped in his eyes, for it to be crystal clear that he
wasn't going to let Toshiya flee away from him once more. If there
was a moment to tell him he loved him, it was now! But where was he?

Kaoru pulled a strand of drenched hair away from his face and turned
a corner. A tall, lonely figure was trudging slowly in his direction,
head downcast, not very far beyond. Kaoru closed his eyes and sighed
in relief, then walked quickly in his direction. Toshiya hadn't seen
him yet. He looked so dejected…

"Toshiya," Kaoru called softly, not wanting to startle him.

The younger man registered his presence and made a movement of
retreat. "I don't want to talk to you."
But he didn't try to escape.

"You look so cold," Kaoru commented, not knowing how to start the
conversation. "Won't you come inside? You don't want to perform with
a cold do you?"

"Not until you tell me why you did what you did," Toshiya replied,
crossing his arms, finally looking up and exposing his betrayed,
bloodshot eyes.

"Toshiya …I didn't do it," Kaoru said softly, as calmly as he
possibly could. He saw the skeptical frown on Toshiya's face. "I know
she made it sound like slept together," he conceded, "but it didn't
happen… I never could have."

"But you know her," Toshiya replied, looking perplexed. "Something
happened with her. But you didn't have sex." Toshiya was trying to
stay detached as he stated these facts, but he couldn't keep that
little flicker of hope from sparkling… Maybe…after all…

"Toshiya, I … I love you…"

The words tumbled on him so suddenly that they cut Toshiya's ability
to speak, reducing him to a silent, frozen being. His stillness
prolonged, his eyes unsure as Kaoru's gaze searched his. He stared
past Kaoru, feeling torn between the conflicting emotions, the
surprise, the disbelief, the ever-present feeling of betrayal and the
overwhelming desire to forget everything that had just happened… *He
loves me*… Toshiya thought in amazement, is eyes diving in Kaoru's
dark, deep irises, as if seeking for confirmation. It sounded so
unreal…

"I love you more than anyone in this world," Kaoru said again, his
voice vibrating with emotion as well as uncertainty, and he prayed
for a reaction, for anything that would make Toshiya snap out of that
state of shock. He embraced the other man, pulling him close as if he
feared he'd disappear, the heat of their bodies chasing away the
iciness of the rain. His arms were so protective…Toshiya was giving
in… He was melting to Kaoru's strong embrace, to the light, motion of
his hand rubbing his back tenderly, breaking through all of his
defenses.

"I can tell you what happened, I can apologize all you want," Kaoru
said in a low voice. "Listen to me, Toshiya. Try to believed me, even
if…"

"Tell me about last night," Toshiya interrupted gently, wanting to
know the whole truth… Kaoru loved him… but it didn't magically wipe
away that scene in the restaurant… these tears he'd cried…
Nevertheless, he circled his arms around Kaoru's shoulders, and felt
him relax a little. Still, he tried not to stand too close, denying
the natural impulse of pressing his body against Kaoru's.

"Okay… Well, where do I begin..." Kaoru thought for moment, trying to
forget Toshiya's closeness and gather his thoughts, which was next to
impossible. Toshiya's presence was engulfing him completely, his
little hopeful smile making Kaoru hesitant to speak, afraid his words
might hurt him. He had no way of knowing how Toshiya would react. All
he knew was that I love you written in that letter. He breathed
deeply and dove in the story.

"Okay. Imagine you love someone very much," he started. "But he's so…
he's the kind of person anyone could love… And you catch him, more
than once, with your band mate… so you conclude that they're
together. Whatever their relationship is exactly, you know you can't
intrude… You think he could never love you, and you can't think of a
way to forget him, you love him so much!" Kaoru's voice shook a
little, and he saw Toshiya bite his lower lip, for some reason. "One
night you go out in a bar, and you drink, glass after glass, the
alcohol giving you a nice fuzzy feeling… You know it won't help
tomorrow, but it feels good now… It gives you a detachment from your
life… but at the same time, these feelings of sadness intensify, even
if they don't seem so close to you they get worst… It's not long
before you succumb to them… Then someone appears, it's the person you
love, talking to you, acting very interested. Your spirits lift, you
think maybe you finally have a chance, then you realize it's not him.
It's a cosplayer, only you were so drunk you didn't realize first.
She acts very interested, she kisses you and you kiss back, you
imagine you're with the person you love and it feels great… You're so
drunk you can hardly walk straight. She invites you home, clearly
suggesting you will sleep together. You follow her." Kaoru felt
Toshiya tense up, but he kept silent. "You know you won't forgive
yourself when the morning comes, but right now you don't care. You
get into her apartment. She gives you something to drink, but then
she spills it on you. Even if she's dressed like the person you love,
the bright light and the cold liquid make you sober up enough to make
you realize you don't want her or anyone else… She apologizes for the
mess she made and starts peeling off your clothes because you're so
wet, it's going to be uncomfortable. So you stop her. Roughly. You
call her a cheap imitation and a whore, and you escape, barely
putting your shoes back on, staggering in the street because the
alcohol hasn't worn off completely. The evening as grow cooler,
refreshing your head, and it starts to knock some sense into your
thick head. You realize what you almost just did, and your self-
esteem crashes to the ground. You almost willingly betrayed the
person you love, just so that you could fake happiness for a moment.
And you hurt that girl's feeling; no matter how she acted, the way
things turned out was as much your fault as hers. You want so much to
be with that person you love now, but you remember he's going out
with your band mate. You go back to the hotel and fall in a spinning,
drunken sleep. You're awoken the next morning by a hyper friend who
tells you that it turned out the man you love isn't going out with
his band mate after all. You don't know what happened and you don't
care. You just want to tell him you love him…"

Kaoru paused, looking at the sky, and realized it was brightening.
The rain had turned to a soft, fading drizzle, and a few random birds
were starting to voice their cheery melodies. He set his eyes on
Toshiya's, his head upturned as he waited for a reaction.

It happened so fast Kaoru never saw it coming. Suddenly Toshiya's
lips were on his, devouring him with an unrestrained passion; it had
built up for such a long time that now it came flowing out violently,
quickly matched by Kaoru's own ardor. The older man held Toshiya
close and his tongue made its way through the inviting, parted lips,
meeting with Toshiya's tongue, caressing it, feeling it react and
engage in an urgent, breathtaking kiss. They didn't emerge before
they lunges were on fire, and then they held on to each other for
support, panting, left with a woozy, dizzy feeling.

Toshiya opened his eyes, trying to catch his breath as the sudden
tempest of emotion washed away as suddenly as it had emerged. Kaoru's
lids also lift a few seconds later. Their eyes met, and Toshiya look
away shyly, suddenly embarrassed by the roughness of the kiss he'd
engaged. He looked at the ground, and for a moment they just regained
their breath in silence, standing close to each other in a loose
embrace, both wondering at what had just happened… Toshiya finally
dared to look at Kaoru, gazing in the beloved face close to his once
more, sinking into those dark, tender eyes…

…Kaoru's eyes, as captivated by Toshiya's as Toshiya was by his...
Kaoru's hand, rising to caress his cheek so softly, as he almost had
earlier in the restaurant, making Toshiya sink into the touch, his
face resting against the small hand… Kaoru's lips, pressing softly
against his chin, moving up to his lips, kissing so gently that
Toshiya felt like he was being kissed for the first time…

"I think… I'm forgiven?" Kaoru breathed, his mouth still so close to
Toshiya's that the younger man couldn't help but kiss back as an
answer, gasping at Kaoru's loving response. They kissed slowly,
deeply, words forgotten as they took the time to discover each other,
there tongues playing, the fingers of one hand intertwined with the
other's as the remaining hand explored, touched, caressed the other's
back and arms and hair, unable to get enough. Being together was like
waking up beside the comfort of their lover after a long, never-
ending nightmare. It was incredible… Even the atmosphere joined with
their mood, bright rays of sunshine pushing the clouds aside as the
last tiny droplets of rain still hung in the air.

"Should I forgive you?" Toshiya asked after many kisses, finally
replying to the earlier question, shivering when Kaoru's lips made a
trail of warm kisses starting from his chin, following his jaw bone,
finally ending up on the side of his neck, kissing the warm, moist
skin lightly…

"Please do? I'm trying hard to make myself forgiven," Kaoru
whispered, giving one last little kiss, and then he looked into
Toshiya's eyes once more. "Seriously… can you understand how that
could happen?" he asked. "Can you forgive?"

Toshiya giggled sweetly at his solemnity. "What do you think?" he
said, kissing Kaoru's forehead, holding him tight, then he grew
serious too. "To be honest… I was really mad, and I know I had the
right to be…. But I should have listened to you instead of running
out… and getting all of us so wet and cold…" Lovingly he ran a hand
through Kaoru's drenched locks of hair. "But what you said made
sense. Maybe I'd have acted just the same if I'd been you. And I love
you…so…how could I not forgive you?"

These words made Kaoru smile happily, his face warm like the sun that
was now playing on their skin. "Toshiya loves me!" he said in a sing-
song voice, laughing at himself, wrapping his hands around Toshiya's
neck. "And I love you," he completed, "but I knew all of that
already.."

"That you loved me?"

"Yeah… And that you loved me…" Kaoru kissed his lips quickly before
Toshiya could step back in surprise at Kaoru's statement, and then
moved away a little so that he could produce a dirty piece of paper,
stained with mud, which he had carefully folded and put in his
pocket. He unfolded it and held it in front of Toshiya's eyes. "I
only read the important part though."

"My letter!" Toshiya exclaimed.

He grinned at Kaoru, amazed that his letter had reached him after
all. He held him tight, sighing dreamily, still wondering at Kaoru's
closeness. Then, since they'd have to leave soon for the next
performance, they tranquilly made their way back to the hotel,
holding hands in a comfortable silence.

Kaoru had found his letter…. It must the act of fate that made them
settle the misunderstandings and brought them together… Though they
sure hadn't needed that Toshiya cosplayer last night… and Shinya's
short lived crushed on the bassist…and Toshiya and Shinya's pretend
game…and Kaoru and Die's fooling around… Must have been fate that had
brought out all of their stupid behavior at the same time then… Maybe
fate had tried to keep them apart, but they had triumphed over it?

Who knows? Right now it didn't matter, they loved each other, and
that was the only thing that counted. *Pain feels so far behind right
now,* Toshiya thought. The bliss that Kaoru's presence and love
brought him wiped it all away.

"Ne, Kaoru," Toshiya said tentatively in a cute voice, tugging on his
hand, earning Kaoru's smile as a reply, "I love you," he pronounced,
suddenly embarrassed. "I wanted to tell you again, I know it's stupid
but it's like I want to tell you again and again…" Toshiya looked
down, Kaoru still made him feel so shy!

Kaoru stopped walking; they were almost there anyway. "It's not
stupid," he disagreed. "I love you too and I'm not ashamed to say
it..." He engaged another kiss, and they melted into each other's
arms once more, suddenly forgetting they were in a hurry…



***


Eyes were on them as Toshiya and Kaoru lost themselves in kisses.
Sad, envious, heartbroken eyes. They had to leave for the next
performance and Kyo had gone to look for them, and had unfortunately
caught the beautiful moment.

He didn't need to see that. Not now. Kyo stared as his cell phone
miserably. He couldn't believe it. Had it been an accident? Or a
premeditation? He didn't want to believe Ryutaro would have done
that. He really hadn't seemed like that type…

But Kyo had tried to phone Ryutaro earlier, and all he'd reached had
been the nagging, high-pitched voice indicating that the number
didn't exist. Should he scream in anger of just be sad? Whatever he
did it didn't change the fact that he'd probably been dumped without
realizing it… a fake number… For once he met someone worthwhile it
had to turn out to be such a hypocrite!

Even if it had been an accident—it wasn't as if Ryutaro hadn't been
completely sober; he might have made a mistake—who knew when Kyo was
going to hear of him again?

Kyo tried to push these thoughts aside as he interrupted the new
couple with a call of their names, graced by their flushed, surprised
faces. Kaoru looked at his watch, an arm still wrapped lovingly
around Toshiya's waist, and he let out an exclamation.

"Oh boy, it's so late!! Sorry, we just…"

"Lost track of time," Kyo said with a shrug, looking away from the
short, intimate kiss Toshiya put on Kaoru's lips before they parted
and hurried to pick their stuff in the hotel room.

***

Kyo stared sulkily at the window, trying to forget the happiness that
literally radiated from everyone in the bus. Everyone except him, but
they all were too busy to notice the little bleached cloud that put a
shadow in their sunny glow. Toshiya and Kaoru were suddenly
inseparable, seemingly going over some misunderstandings that had
occurred recently, often interrupting their conversation to kiss and
giggle softly. Kyo could see all too well the tongues that teased
each other as their lips parted and met again and again, and he
turned away, not wanting to bear that sight a second longer. His eyes
fell on the other `couple'. Die was teasing Shinya playfully, earning
light hits on his chest, and then he finally brought his arm around
the frail shoulders. Shinya pretended to shove him away, but after a
moment he surrendered and rested his head peacefully against Die's
shoulder. They were as close to being a couple as they could get
without actually being one. They were taking it slow, but the outcome
was obvious.

Die and Shinya. Kaoru and Toshiya. With did these fucking couple have
to form now? Both at the same time at that!? A cruel, well designed
plan to leave Kyo alone, that ugly, gullible little man who couldn't
even tell when people laughed at him in his face, when they dumped
him!

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Let them be happy all they wanted, Kyo
wasn't going to interfere. He rested his forehead on the glass,
feeling the vibrations of the bus banging against his head. Despite
all his anger he couldn't deny the hope he'd put in Ryutaro over
night. He'd wished some much for something to happen! He'd put so
much faith in him! His particular laugh still sounded in his ears…
The shaking of his head as his soft black hair followed the movement,
the hand that rested lightly on Kyo's, not as a mean of seduction but
in simple confidence. Ryutaro was so peculiar…special. Both so
masculine and feminine, singular and unique, enthralling and odd; so
adorable, lovely, so plain irresistible! Kyo was done for. He was
completely, head over heel gone for that weirdo vocalist.

He sighed, his head still banging against the window, causing a dull
pain to slowly invade his forehead, which he ignored. Ryutaro. He
couldn't hate him, as weak and pathetic that might be.

A hand patted his shoulder, and he turned around briskly , surprised
to see Kaoru. So he'd finally gotten sick of swapping saliva with his
bassist and noticed their were other people alive in there.

"What?!" he asked moodily, not trying for the least bit to hide the
disdain he felt for all of their stupid happiness.

"Calm down, will you! I'm just checking if you're okay, you seem
quiet."

*Gee, I really don't know why I'm not talking to anyone in there*,
Kyo though. Kaoru looked around, finally noticing how close Shinya
and Die were sitting to one another, how bright were the sparks
flying between them.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" Kyo exclaimed, plastering a huge, fake grin on
his face. "You can go back to your koi, you know, you might have been
gone too long."

Kyo turned back to the window, sulking, not caring if he was acting
like a huge brat. Yeah, he did realize that Kaoru had been single for
a long time, that it was about time Toshiya found someone with whom
he just *might* settle down for more than two days, about time that
Die finally decided he wasn't a heartless loveless creep, about time
that Shinya's hopeless crush finally got rewarded.

But who cared. Kyo was miserable. Dumped. Rejected. And, on second
thought, Ryutaro could just go straight to hell for all he cared.

He closed his eyed in a desperate attempt to sleep and erase his
worries, missing the concerned look on both Toshiya and Kaoru's face
as they forgot about kissing and started wondering what might be so
wrong… Kyo was probably just pissed off for being the left out one in
the group, but then again maybe there was more to it.


***

It was a good performance. Good to Die, anyway. He laughed at the
extra fan service Kaoru and Toshiya pulled off, knowing how much it
teased the imagination of the fans. He threw many glances at Shinya,
who often caught his eyes and smiled, his pretty face radiating with
a lovely bashfulness as he went on pounding on the drums with an
unrealistic strength.

Dear god, he was so beautiful. So beautiful Die could hardly believe
he'd made himself blind to that beauty so long ago, as he'd hit the
wall of Shinya's pretend indifference as soon as they'd met… He'd
just forgotten how sweet Shinya could be was as he lived everyday by
his side and only saw the sullen, moody side of such a beautiful
person…

He ran backstage to do the costume change for the first encore,
slipping into the clothes hurriedly. He looked around; everyone was
still rushing except for Shinya, who was nowhere to be seen. He
darted out of the tiny room and creased his eyes, finally spotting
his slight figure, which was now standing on the side of the stage,
almost invisible in the darkness. He crept closer, unable to resist
the urge of embracing the pretty man from behind. He felt Shinya gasp
then relax in his hold as he recognized him. The yells of the fans
were resounding everywhere, and the atmosphere had reached an
intensity that could only be found in the last minutes of a good
performance… Die held the drummer tightly against him, needing to
feel him close… is feelings for Shinya kept escalating since the
previous day, and they kept soaring higher and higher until they
threatened to swallow him… He loved Shinya, and he needed to express
it!! He knew Shinya cared… he just wished he cared as much as he did…
Before he knew what he was doing he had his lips pressed softly
against the side of Shinya's neck, loving the texture of his slightly
sweaty skin. The darkness making him bolder, he allowed himself to
kiss softly, tasting every second; he didn't know how Shinya would
react and that uncertainty thrilled him, making him want to do more
than these innocent kisses, but he restrained himself, not wanting to
scare him away and throw to the garbage whatever they had together.

So he just kept kissing the same spot tenderly, his arms around
Shinya's waist, one of his hand idly caressing the flat belly,
feeling the boy shiver for a brief moment when his finger found a
spot of naked skin. He felt Shinya pull away, and his arms released
him limply as he swore at himself for going to fast. But wait… Shinya
was still close… he'd turned around… was placing his arms around
Die's neck… pressing his body close… his face too, was close…so
close… lips brushing his shyly, then pulling back… he could almost
feel that rosy blush on Shinya's cheeks in the dark… their noses were
touching…their mouths so close…as they grew more confident without
any of them initiating the first move…

*Ah and, fuck it!* Die thought, pulling forward to kiss the inviting
lips… they'd barely touched when Die felt a slap on his back. Die
squeezed his eyes in frustration and he turned around, seeing the
remaining members slipping onstage, the noise level sounding suddenly
higher. Who cared about the audience, they could wait one more
second… he kissed Shinya, and felt him respond shyly, pulling back
gently after a couple of seconds. The drummer disappeared onstage,
and Die had no choice but to follow…

*God I want to kiss him,* Die thought, unable to keep his eyes off of
Shinya as they performed. *Now…I want to kiss him now!* But he
couldn't; as much of a rush it would give him he would *not* kiss
Shinya in front of that crowd.

He waited eagerly for the next costume change, but none of them had
the least spare second before they stepped back on stage. Die tried
to focus on the music, but he was never so glad as when they finally
put the finishing touches to their last song and left the stage. His
eye met Shinya's as they were about to get into the dressing room,
and in an unspoken agreement they went toward each other and their
lips met in silence. Finally. They'd kissed for about two seconds
when Die felt a pat on his shoulder. He turned toward the intruder,
surrounding Shinya's waist with his arms, cursing inwardly at the
disturbance.

The somehow familiar man that stood beside them shifted in embarrass
before clearing his throat.

"Shitsurei shimasu…. I'm really, really sorry for interfering…but, is
Kyo-san here?"

Die nodded, pointing toward the door next to them, not really caring
who the man was or what he wanted. He focused back on Shinya, who
made a face. "Maybe sometimes before tomorrow we can get it done
with." He pulled himself forward and kissed Die's lips, who gladly
responded with a laugh, holding the drummer close as they finally got
to kiss as much as they wanted to.


**

Kyo removed his makeup, trying to ignore the intimate looks Toshiya
and Kaoru kept casting each other. *You will not be envious of them.
They have what they have and you mustn't let it get to you.*

Kyo rinsed his face thoroughly and dried it with a handful of paper
towels, suddenly feeling observed. He turned around swiftly, his eyes
widening at the sight of that presence standing hesitantly in the
doorway.

"Your voice sounded good, though you might want to rework the
accuracy of your notes," the man said rather bluntly, contrasting
with the shy steps he took toward Kyo.

"How did you get here?" Kyo asked, amazed, confused, his brain
stopping to work when he felt a warm embrace surround him.

"Not important," Ryutaro said, pulling back. "I thought I wouldn't
see you again," he said, his doe eyes catching Kyo's. "My cell phone
started acting weird and I don't know where I put your number, I'll
probably find it in three months, and it's such a mess, I thought I
wouldn't be able to catch you again so I did the only thing I had to
do, and here I am bugging you while you're trying to get changed, I'd
like to wait outside but your band mates don't need me around right
now, so…."

Kyo's brain slowly put the pieces together. Ryutaro was there. He
hadn't dumped him. He'd driven for two hours just to see him. Kyo
tried to keep from jumping around happily.

"You want us to do something when I'm done changing?" Kyo asked,
trying to brush his messy hair. "I'm glad you came."

Kyo could at least admit that, even if he wouldn't embarrass himself
with confessing the way he'd been worried about having been dumped.

"Of course we're doing something, I haven't come all the way here for
no reason," Ryutaro said with a laugh, running his fingers through
Kyo's hair, trying to put them in place. "You like guys?" the taller
man asked abruptly, giving up and tousling Kyo's messy head.

Kyo lifted his eyebrows, perplexed at Ryutaro's sudden question.

"I'm sure you haven't told me about that last night, even if we
talked about almost anything…"
The dark almonds searched Kyo's eyes. "I'm sure you've got a feminine
side hidden somewhere in here," Ryutaro said, putting a hand on Kyo's
little heart, which was banging hard against his ribcage.

"You're weird. You're weirder than me," Kyo said, grimacing.

"Is that an insult?" Ryutaro asked.

"Maybe…. Listen, before we get started in another strange
conversation…."

Kyo held his head up and rose to the tip of his feet, kissing
Ryutaro's lips lightly. "…That could be an answer to your little
question…"

"Feminine side, all right," Ryutaro said, laughing. "An aggressive
one at that."

"I'm not feminine. Get out of here."

"I might not come back…"

"You will. Unless you came all the way here just to run away from me."

"You'll see there are many pointless things we do in life."

"Like you're so experienced.

"Maybe I am."

"You hide it well."

"Really?"

Ryutaro kissed Kyo's lips briefly, then he turned away and made his
way toward the exit.

"Are we still going out? My treat, since you're the girl?" Ryutaro
said teasingly.

"Shut up."

Kyo motioned for him to get out as he started undressing. Ryutaro
obliged, laughing, brushing past Die and Shinya who finally decided
they should get out of their costumes at some point of the evening.
Kyo grinned at them, suddenly deciding that they looked cute together.

"Gee, I wonder what put you in such a good mood," Die said teasingly.

Kyo rolled his eyes and changed out of his costume, already
fantasizing about the wonderful evening he was going to spend. Maybe
life wasn't completely set against him after all….


***



~to be continued~

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