By Scarlet

Fandom: TOS

Pairing: K/S/Mc

Rating: R

Summary: A lecture on a popular Swedish midwinter tradition and its obscure roots, from the teachings of the Department of Arboreal Disciplines at TrekSmut University. 1999 Golden Orgasm - 1st place, "Best TSU Story".

Disclaimer: Paramount owns the characters used in the educational video included in this lecture. I'm just having fun, not making any money.

* * * * *

"Mmmm." He snuggled up behind his first officer, breathed in his scent and wrapped his arm around him. He didn't have to get up just yet, and it was so nice and warm here, in bed, with Spock.

Spock moved a little, too, without opening his eyes. He turned around and made a little purring sound. Then he took Kirk in his arms and squeezed him hard.

"Easy," Kirk gasped. Sometimes Spock's body would get busy before his logical mind was fully awake, which often resulted in very good sex but could also leave bruises. Not that it wasn't worth it.

They both liked to sleep naked, at least when they slept together. Kirk shivered with pleasure as Spock's chest hair brushed against his sensitive nipples. Their lips met in a sleepy kiss, and soon their erections were kissing, too. Spock's purring turned into a soft growl and his strong hands cupped his lover's behind.

And that was when the covers were ripped away and the two naked Starfleet officers were treated to a quick series of stinging blows with a bundle of long, pliant birch branches.

Shocked, confused and desperately trying to avert the beating, they heard a rough voice singing: "Santa Lucia ... Santa Lucia!"

"Lights!" Kirk barked. And then: "Bones?!"

Dr. McCoy was a spectacular sight in his long, white robe. He had a silver garland in his brown hair, and a birch rod in his hand.

"Mornin' boys," he smiled.

"What," Kirk said before reclaiming the covers in an effort to restore his and his bunkmate's dignity, "in the blue blazes is going on?"

"Don't you know? It's Santa Lucia's Day," the serene apparition explained. "This is an ancient Terran custom in celebration of her martyrdom."

Kirk and Spock looked at each other.

// I find the doctor's lectures decidedly irritating at this hour, t'hyla. //

// I know, I can't believe that guy, either. //

"Now, boys, I'm sure you want to know: In what way was her death connected to the birch tree? The truth is, surprisingly enough -- "

"No, we don't want to know! " Kirk exploded. "And we don't want to know why you're wearing your grandmother's nightgown. What we already know is that our shift starts in one Standard hour, so get out of here or -- " He froze at Spock's raised eyebrow and tilted head. He never could refuse his Vulcan anything.

"Or what, Jim?" McCoy had already seen and recognized the twinkle in the dark Vulcan eye, and now he slowly pulled the white robe over his head. He wore nothing underneath it.

"Or get in." Kirk lifted the covers and the doctor quickly slipped into bed with his friends.

"Thought you'd never ask," he grinned.

"But Doctor," Spock murmured, having to satisfy his curiosity before satisfying other needs, however pressing, "I believe Santa Lucia was burned at the stake, and that her celebration therefore included the lighting of candles."

"Don't worry, I've got a candle for you right here."

"Indeed."

* * *

"Lights, please," the associate professor of arboreal disciplines rasped. She quickly took a mouthful of water from the glass on the lectern, glanced at the frozen image on the video screen and emptied the glass, after deciding that throwing the cold water on her face might present a not-too-dignified impression.

"And turn off that VCR, please. All right, class, tongues in!"

The students didn't snap out of their collective brain-lock until associate professor Scarlet slammed her birch switch down on the lectern.

"In my home country," Scarlet commenced in her funny accent that sounded so much like the Swedish chef on the Muppet Show that some of the students had to bite their lips, "In my home country we celebrate Santa Lucia's Day on the 13th of December."

"This naturally raises a few questions. One: Why does Sweden, a fairly secular but mainly Protestant country, celebrate a Catholic saint?"

"Well, Lucia was indeed burned at the stake because of her faith, and she is therefore associated with fire. This makes her very suitable for Scandinavian midwinter ritual. Before the Gregorian calendar reform, winter solstice occurred around December 13th. We celebrate Lucia as the light-bringer in the darkness, the promise of the sun's return. Santa Lucia's Day is actually just another pagan custom in Christian disguise. In any case, the tradition is undoubtedly older than the legend of the Italian martyr."

"Two: How is Lucia celebrated? And she is celebrated, in every school, every kindergarten, every hospital, every TV channel, and almost every home. Early in the morning, hours before sunrise, processions will make their rounds, and there will be singing. One of the traditional songs is the Italian ballad 'Santa Lucia' in a Swedish version which mentions the light in the dark winter night and has absolutely nothing to do with the original lyrics." "The most important person in the procession is Lucia, or the Lucia bride. She is usually selected for her good looks and long, blond hair. This is, as our Vulcan friends would say, highly illogical, since the real Lucia probably was dark-haired. However, some suggest that the lady with the shining hair was originally an image of Freya, the pre-Christian goddess of Love and Death. Others believe that there once was a deity called Lusse who was later disguised as St. Lucia. It has even been suggested that we are celebrating Lucifer, whose name literally means Light-bearer."

"Anyway, the Lucia bride wears a crown with burning candles -- usually electric candles these days -- a long, white gown and a red ribbon around her waist. Her attending maidens wear similar gowns but have silver garlands in their hair, and carry candles in their hands. The males wear strange pointed hats -- looking more like dunce caps than anything else -- decorated with stars, and they impersonate St. Stephen, who used to have his own celebration on December 26th but we decided to include him in the Lucia feast so the men would have something to do besides drooling over all the feminine beauty."

"After the singing, it's saffron bread, ginger snaps and coffee or mulled wine all around. Then it's usually time to pick up the teenagers at the police station, since some of them start celebrating the night before, getting drunk and making a nuisance of themselves in the streets, little knowing that they are following a tradition that goes back to the middle ages."

A Bajoran exchange student waved. "But what about the birching?"

"The birching will take place in the sauna after class, as always -- oh, you mean on Santa Lucia's Day. Very good question! Although this is virtually unknown today, research has shown that in some parts of rural Sweden, the first one to rise on Lucia morning would actually spank the other family members with birch branches until they were awake. This custom was, as we have discussed before, otherwise observed on Good Friday. Birching rituals in the spring could be explained as fertility magic, but what would their purpose be in the middle of winter? Anyone?"

"To keep warm?" suggested a Vulcan student in a thick sweater.

"Not entirely impossible." Scarlet nodded. "It's good exercise for the bircher -- you could quickly work up quite a sweat if you had to birch a big family. And the birchees would of course enjoy the warm feeling on their skin for the better part of the morning. Other suggestions?"

A Deltan student spoke: "It's fun, it feels good and it's a nice prelude to sex."

"Exactly." The associate professor smiled. "And sex is of course in itself a very good way to keep warm in the middle of winter -- or indeed any time."

She looked at her chrono. "And that concludes this lecture -- I'll see you shortly in the lab."

"Last one to the sauna is a Denebian slime devil!" This and other battle cries echoed through the halls of learning, as the cheerful, youthful throng scrambled to their feet.

* * *

With the students gone, the associate professor locked the door and dimmed the lights again.

'They can manage without me for half an hour or so,' she thought, settling down comfortably to watch the rest of the video.

THE END

Epilogue

As the caption 'THE END' faded and Scarlet reluctantly rose to join her students, a happy sigh emanated from behind the lectern. Who had dared to stay? Quick as a cobra (well, a not quite young, rather heavily built cobra), Scarlet gripped the birch rod and turned on the lights.

"All right, come on out where I can see you!"

"Is that the way to greet your old assistant?"

"R-Rae? I thought you were doing field research in the forests of British Columbia."

"I was, but I had to get out of there." Rae Trail emerged from hir hiding place and shook hir weary head. "You won't believe what the forest companies get away with in BC."

"Try me."

"They ... " Rae swallowed. "They practise slash burning!"

* * *

Note: 'Slash burning' is a controversial technique in forest management. After an area is clear cut, the wood that is left (tree stumps, undergrowth, tops and twigs) is burnt off before replanting. Some environmentalists fear that this is the final blow to the eco-system, while some forest companies say it actually stimulates regrowth and is a 'natural' method in that it mimics forest fire. Let us hope this is the only kind of slash burning we will ever hear about.

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