STUPID PHRASES

"Get a Life"

That phrase is the stupidest, oldest, most overused insult in the history of words. Define "life," anyway. Just because someone doesn't go out and get drunk and have sex in public instead of actually having some morals and some values and goals in life doesnt mean he or she don't have a "life." All the pseudo-knowitalls who use that phrase are pretentious dolts who know that they are the ones without a "life," whatever that means.

"You have too much time on your hands"

Those are the words people say whenever they hear someone say something creative or- GASP DIFFERENT! Shame on me for taking like three seconds to think of something off-the-wall and maybe a little bit more odd than your Average Joe everyday thought. Remind me to have my mom smack my goofy arse with a rolling pin

"You are soooo immature"

Shut up already. Because I talk about things that are bizarre and often really vile, I am not immature. I don't take the disgusting things I say seriously, so neither should you. It's called a joke. . . You know, the things that are on the back of Laffy Taffy wrappers, except not as corny.In fact, the people who call me immature are the immature ones. Like Harry Trumann said,"If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen." It's assumed that when you get to a certain age that you can hear certain things and not be bothered by them. If you don't like what I have to say, go watch PBS and shelter yourself from society. There's a world of sex, drugs, and violence out there. I bet even as you're reading this, a little kid is watching an R-rated movie. There are a lot more important things to worry about than whether or not I'm acting my age.

"That is ironic"

It's not a stupid thing to say unless you're a stupid person. Ironic does not mean coincidental. If you and your son are walking in the same playground where you and your childhood friend used to play and you happen to see that friend, it's not irony; it's a coincidence. Irony is when you have a million forks and all you need is a knife. Or however Alanis Morisette said it. Just go here to find some excellent examples of irony.

"Smile!"

This one affects me personally, but most likely not other people. At my place of employment, I always walk around doing everyone's dirty work, yet some ignoramus blimp-women (one of them actually has a striking resemblance to Miss Piggy) expect me to smile through it all. I might not even be in a bad mood; i could be thoughtful or thoughtless. The point is, I'm like anybody else. I smile when I'm happy, I laugh when something's funny, I cry when something's sad, and I yell when a Missouri driver cuts me off on an interstate so closely that I see my life flash before my eyes. Do you smile when you're at work? Unless you're a chick or someone who waits on people (so smiling is half of your job), you shouldn't smile. Or else I'll think you're the some kind of maniacal Joker(from Batman)-type guy that is plotting a scheme to blow up mailboxes across America in the shape of a smiley face. It's been done.

I've decided that this update has taken way too long. I wrote a lot of material one night and don't feel like writing it all down at one time for one update. So I'll split it up. See you before too long with another SMASHING update.