[EARLY MAY 2004]

1) What's with these people who care more about dogs than people? Last time I checked, people were sentient and have souls while dogs are just tame wolves that are a little more playful than cats. I can't stand it when I'm watching some kind of horror or action movie where everyone dies except the main character and a dog. People are always relieved when they see that the dog lives, as if it's OK all the other people died as long as the dog survives.

It's even stupider when somehow the dog saves the day. You know that you have just watched a crappy movie when somehow the dog overcame his lack of knowledge of anything but eating, sleeping, and excreting to find the hidden tape with the missing evidence; or to nudge the key under the bars to unlock the jail cell of his wrongfully accused master; or to bite the guy who is about to shoot the hero. I mean come on. A dog can't do that stuff unless he knows good from evil. And he can't know what's good from evil if he barks every day at the mailman. Plus, what have dogs done for us anyway? I've never seen a dog feed a human, and I've never seen a dog play X Box to keep his master company. Man's best friend my ass.

2) People need to quit being so sensitive to how hot or cold it is. I've noticed that this phenomenon occurs mostly in females, and the complaint is more often about how cold it is instead of how hot. Truth be told, I'm starting to believe that girls are part reptilian. How can you skin be so thin that you are freezing cold when I'm burning up? Of course, being the good guy that I am, I never complain about how hot or cold it is in a room. I've also noticed that I never really notice how hot or cold it is in a room until some princess girl starts complaining about the temperature.

You princess people need to stop complaining; it's all in your head. It's only as cold as you let yourself think it is. If you have a big enough of an imagination to think that I care about what the perfect indoor conditions are for you, you ought to have a big enough of an imagination to pretend that it's not even cold. WOO! I'm on fi-YAH!

Just to mix things up, I think I'd like to add a little section to the website entitled "What If __(fill in the blank)__ was Your Daddy?" In this update's edition, I'd like to consider what it would be like if Bert from Sesame Street were my daddy.

If Bert was my daddy, I think I would have begun to wonder who is my mother. Could it be Elmo? Furthermore, is Elmo a boy or a girl? I used to think it was a boy, but so many girls like him/her and wear his/her t-shirts that he probably lost his ding dong if he ever had one. Meaning that girls are partial to people who they can identify with, so Elmo must be a chick. I mean I know some people that are supposed to be guys, but they are friends with so many girls and have so much more in common with girls than with guys that, for all practical purposes, they can be considered girls.

And just what relationship does my father have with Ernie, anyway? They do live in the same house, but I've never seen any hints of homosexuality. Maybe they're just both poor and have to be roommates permanently. But then why did Bert get custody of me instead of Elmo (or whoever my mother is)? We may never know.

1) Go out and see Kill Bill Volume 2, and rent Kill Bill Volume One. If you like mind-numbing violence, awesome soundtracks, awesome camera shots and unique cinematography (black and white, split screen, blue and black, classic 70's second-rate kung fu movie film quality, and an anime scene that will not disappoint even the strongest anti-anime people- like me). Also the characters have so much depth. You feel like you know so much, yet you could know so much more. Just see the movies already.

2) Cross your fingers for Spiderman 2. If it sucks, I'm going to raise hell. If it doesn't, I'll wait until the DVD has already been out for six months and buy it for $10 at Slackers.