I don't think it's any secret, but in case you didn't hear the news, gerbils are awesome. If you disagree, you should be castrated or something. That's really all there is to it. Gerbils are like the ninjas of the small animal kingdom- jumping around very quickly and silently and destroying things at their whim. If you hate gerbils and you see a gerbil staring you right in the face with an undoubtedly fierce expression, you better believe that you've received your kiss of death. They will find where you live and chew your eyelids off, making it so you can never sleep again. Then they'll chew off your fingernails so that opening tightly sealed bottles will be really painful. If you aren't dead after that, you'll want to be.
Fascinatingly enough (and only by a coincidence) the picture at the top of this page pretty much resembles my 3 gerbils. This is kind of scary because I think someone must have come into my house while I was gone and taken pictures of my gerbils. An infamous gerbil stalker. Seriously, though. When I picked that picture to go on the top of the page I didn't realize that that's what my 3 gerbils look like.
These are some reasons why gerbils are awesome:
Gerbils are a lot less lazy and about 500% less likely to be fat and disgusting than hamsters.
Gerbils smell fear in inanimate objects. That's why they start chewing on them as soon as they see them. If you own a gerbil and have never given it some dixie cups or kleenex boxes to chew on, you deserve to be castrated with the nonbelievers. You are not letting them take advantage of their killer instinct, and ultimately they'll lose their edge. So your gerbils will get fat and nasty like hamsters.
You can name your gerbils things you'd never name your dog because dogs live a long time. If you give your dog a crappy name, you have to live with that decision for a decade or so. But because gerbils live a fast and furious life, you won't have to live with their name too long. Fortunately, I gave my gerbils awesome names so I don't have to worry about this. I have a black one with white spots named John Madden, a yellowish-peach one named Indiana Jones, and a brown with black and all kinds of weird speckly colors named Chewey. E Bum named him because that because she saw him chewing on a woodchip when she first saw him, but you can also think of it as a throwback to Chewbacca from Star Wars. Chewey is equally as fierce. Actually, no he's not. He's the level-headed one of the trio that keeps the other two from killing each other.
Gerbils require a lot less attention and money-wasting than dogs and cats. And pretty much anything else, unless you're running a sweatshop with poverty-stricken third world children. Anyway, with gerbils, you put them in a tank, give them food, bedding, water, and some woodchips, and you're good to go. That's entertainment on a rainy Sunday night.
You can put gerbils in gerbil balls and race them. It doesn't work too well just after you buy them, but they get the idea as they get older and less retarded.
You can watch gerbils build their under-bedding tunnels with toilet paper tubes and paper towel tubes. They have way too much fun. Imagine if you could build a tunnel with dirt in like 20 seconds. That's what they do with bedding. They're little geniuses. Einstein commented briefly in the foreword of his critically acclaimed book, The Theory of Relativity that his gerbil, Petri, inspired him to become a scientist. Even Picasso had a gerbil named Alphonse, who inspired him to paint this thing.
In a nationwide poll, 83.333% of those asked answered that chicks do, indeed, dig gerbils. Do you realize what that means? If you had a party with 20 girls, 16 of them would be impressed and probably like you more because you have gerbils. Two other girls would be one-third impressed. Unfortunately, the poll only questioned 6 people. Yet I believe that this is a sufficient cross-section of the United States since 3 of the poll's participants were actually females and one participant lived out of the state of Illinois.
So that's all I have to say about gerbils for now. I would suggest buying yourself 2 or 3. Gerbils are no less man's best friend than dogs, and they cost a lot less. And you know what they say- if there's grass on the field, play ball. Wait, no. . . That's not about gerbils. . .
If you still aren't convinced about gerbils' awesomeness, you need to go home and receive a spanking from your mother.
