SECTION 1: THOUGHTS ON STUPID STUFF.

1) Why do big fatass people eat everything they want but still pat themselves on the back for drinking diet soda? News flash: you're idiots. First of all, the only way you should drink diet soda is if it's Diet Dr. Pepper; that's the only diet soda that even remotely tastes like the original.

Secondly, if you're going to lose weight, you can't just drink diet soda but pig out otherwise. You have to have some discipline, for Chrissake. I'm not even saying it's important to lose weight. Hell, my goal in life is to retire early so I can go to Golden Corral for senior lunch every weekday from 2-4 p.m. and eat as much steak as I can before I die from my stomach exploding. But that's just me. All I'm saying is, if you want to lose weight, you got to "keep it real," and not straight up trip.

2) There is no way to get around it: the thumb IS a finger. I don't know how many will have to visit this website to make sure the whole world knows the truth, but I'm doing my part. Maybe my other-dimension near-duplicate is doing the same thing. But anyway, anyone who says that a non-abnormal person has eight fingers and two thumbs is a thick-skulled, paint thinner breathing mow-ron.

Ever since forever ago, we have been learning in schools and we've been spoon-fed from children's TV programs the fact that everyone has ten fingers and toes. If the thumb is not a finger, what is it? It is classified as a phalange by doctors, and it is obviously not a toe. What this all comes down to is that some people insist on trying to talk technically, yet they actually don't know anything. People like that need to have a warning label printed on their shirts: "WARNING! No matter what, I will prove you right because everything I say is wrong." These are the people that spend a quarter of their awake hours in chatrooms saying not-so-clever things to fellow tards and then requesting cyber sex. The other 75% is spent watching the Matrix trilogy and having swordfights with imaginary friends.

3) Being "emo" is not cool- it's just annoying. No one is fooled by your pseudo-intellectual profile songs and quotes. And no, I will not cry with you.

You know what I don't get? The whole non-conformity thing. Don't emo people realize that a million other people are doing the same thing? Thus they are conforming. If everyone wants to be different, being different is being the same. It's more important to be yourself than to be different. If emo people were being themselves when they do all that BS that they do, they would get it over with and commit suicide.

SECTION II: THOUGHTS ON HYPOTHETICAL STUFF.

My daddy of the week: DAVID LETTERMAN.

What if David Letterman were my father? Would he pay attention to me? Would he watch me perform at whatever I'm performing at? Would he attend my graduation? Furthermore, would I be so biased toward him that I would actually think that he is funny?

The answer to all of these, if you haven't already figured it out, is no. David Letterman would be (and now officially is) an awful father. He is the veiniest, sweatiest, ugliest, and most likely stinkiest person on late night TV. I would also say that he's the baldest, but his brown-noser buddy Paul Shaffer beat him to the punch. His nightly Top Ten is always disappointing, and it has proven itself to be the biggest travesty to comedy since Adam Sandler's "Little Nicky." If I were his son, I would siphon as much money from him as possible in a legal child-divorce and then move in with Leno. Now THERE'S a real comedian.

SECTION III: THOUGHTS ON ENTERTAINMENT STUFF.

I'm the Entertainment Editor of the Redbird Word for next year! WOOOO yayuh! I'm planning on starting a 5-man panel with 1 special geust each month. We'll watch 5 new dvd releases and rate them for the monthly entertainment page. If anyone is interested in being a special guest movie rater, let me know.

I bet everyone that goes to see the Harry Potter premiere on June 4 is in for a big disappointment. I can just tell that the movies will get progressively worse and worse. They have to; it's the nature of the beast (that beast being seriel movies). The only series that has defied that law is James Bond.

SECTION IV: CLOSING REMARKS STUFF.

Sign my guestbook, dangit! I need some feedback because I'm starting a Slightly Amusing Online Store. . . Just to kind of see if I can do it. Write on my guestbook if you'd actually consider buying something from it.

Run on home