SATAN: Hey, sexy nude. Get your bare little hinder over here, on the double.
EVE: (A talking serpent! Kinky! I gotta check this out) = Why? Whaddaya want?
SATAN: Hungry, toots? Have a nice apple!
EVE: Why in the wide, wide, wide world of sports don't you mind your own business, Devil? Why butt into my affairs? Here I am, walking along without any disturbance and harassment.....and you interfere and do your damndest to try and mess things up. What gives? No - I'll pass on that apple, or whatever it is.
SATAN: Why? Did God say that you can't eat of any tree-fruit in the garden, or instead of any 'tree' in the garden?"
EVE: How the hell did you come up with that misrepresentation, snakey? You know dam well that God did not say that we can't eat of any tree in the garden! What are you - dense? Some kind of a nut? Hard of hearing? Listen up to His Words more carefully, slinky. For your information, He said we could eat off any tree except the one you want me to eat off of. And if I might add a few words God did not say: 'We cannot even touch the forbidden fruit, not to mention eat it, lest we die.
SATAN: What's "die?" Do you have any idea? You wouldn't die completely - right away - in every sense of the word. You merely start to die in every way. It'll take a while. Anyway, don't believe that stuff. He lies. Your innocence of being naked will die, and you will start to blush with shame to beat all if you taste the fruit.
EVE: God LIES, huh? You are one f-k of an accursed as-hole! I don't know what to think. I should go talk it over with Adam first, instead of being a naiive and gullible dippy-twit, feminist-sexist, self-sufficient, power-hungry IDIOT. At any rate, the apple looks good - no worms or rot or anything - so, what the heck, I'll take a bite and see if I start to "die" gradually (whatever the duce THAT means) and become ashamed of my ALLEGED 'total nakedness.'
ADAM: Hey Eve, why are you so far away and trying to hide from me?
And what's that silly little apron for, which you're wearing - hiding your
pubic hair from me?
EVE: I ate the Forbidden Fruit, and my eyes are opened.
It took you long enough to observe that I am only sort of clothed now with my arms, breasts, back, thighs, butt, legs, and feet still exposed to general public view....and I'm ashamed of letting YOU - my husband - see my private genitalia...and now I know murder, stealing, adultery, sodomy, kidnapping abduction, lying, cheating, abortion, evolution, atheism, blasphemy, plus every other type of evil - especially feminist-sexist-twit, "equal"-to-and-arrogantly-competitive-against-men chauvenism.....and...your penis is showing.
Here, you indecently-exposed pervert, eat some of this crap yourself, so you can be defiled like me. You're a holier-than-thou embarrassment the way you are now.
ADAM: No kiddin? Gimme some of that stuff, so I also can pollute
myself, disobey God's explicit Word to not so do, and die -- after blaming
you the deceived and egocentrically power-hungry weaker gender for being
such a presumptive fool!
GOD: Oh Adam? Eve? Come out, come out - wherever you are....even
though I'm omniscient and know everything as to what you've done, and YOU
have to start a discussion of indecent exposure.
ADAM: God, I feel dirty.
WHY did You create the earth and heavens and all therein? Were You
lonely, and therefore inadequate to exist without mortal companionship
and communication? Did You have a self-esteem problem, requiring You to
create what or who could or would praise You? WHY did You create us humans
with a free will so we could screw up - instead of making us robots?
What the HELL advantage is free choice if You saw we going to MIS-use it?
You LIKE the prospect of being SURPRISED and DISAPPOINTED by us?
WHY did YOU put the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the
Garden - and right in the middle, at that? WHY did YOU even SUGGEST evil...
or dying.....in the FIRST place? HOW were WE to know WHAT THAT
was, and how BAD it is?? It is alleged You tempt no one to sin, yet
YOU DID tempt us by creating that Subtle-Serpent creature AND the Forbidden
Tree! Therefore, did YOU not sin, making it EASY for us to understand
that Jesus Christ is to become sin for us someday by hanging on a tree
and becoming a curse for us...so that we will have FULLY-clothed spiritual
and fleshly bodies in The New Jerusalem in the distant future?
Why did YOU incarnate Satan in snake form? Should we now kill all snakes
we see to rid the world of wickedness?
We need some better clothes, Lord.
WHY did YOU create us NAKED at ALL to begin with? You LIKE seeing
pornography? Why did You not tell us WHAT nudity was? Were YOU
ashamed of it? WHAT was the BIG SECRET? So WHAT if we had know we were
naked? True, clothes of any degree would not have appealed to us at that
time anyway, but instead would have seemed senseless, needless, useless --
a ridiculous cumbersome annoyance and inconvenience.
WHY did You give us a shameless attitude about total nudity before we
ate The Fruit, then give us shame about that same total nudity after we
ate? HOW are we supposed to reproduce wearing these clothes? It is now
OK to strip completely nude to get sexually aroused enough to have
intercourse with or without pleasure, get pregnant, and make babies?
GOD: So I'm creative - give Me a break. Don't worry about it.
The 66-book HOLY BIBLE will soon become written - full of sacred stories
of rape, murder, molestation, incest, prostution, adultery, indecent
exposure, robbery, blasphemy, and so on. It will eventually get better.
It's all part of My overall plan. You'll see.
Look, just because I did the equivalent of spreading out BBs on a
smooth hard floor or a loose roller skate for you all....as blind innocent ones....to step on, I never told you to accidently slip on them. In fact, I ordered you to NOT slip on them - deliberately or otherwise - but instead to WATCH out! Gonna now SUE Me, complain to OSHA, or try take out expensive
accident insurance? It was YOUR choice to screw up and disobey Me. I
cannot be BLAMED for YOU misusing YOUR FREE CHOICE - even though I was
responsible and the cause of [terroristically and dangerously IMPOSING?]
the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, plus Subtle-Lying-Serpent
Satan STUMBLING BLOCKS within the Garden of Eden! Sorry I did not post a
skull-and-crossbones flashing-neon warning sign in big letters surrounded
by flashing strobe lights around That Tree, but I figured you all would
eventually be curious, rebellious, and stupid enough to try what you did.
And, I suppose that TEMPORARILY providing that eternal-fountain-of-youth-like
Tree of Life was no consolation, either (because you had no reasonable idea
what the scope of the word 'die' was).
However, it is NOT for ME to REPENT because of SIN. I did not mis-choose to
disobey My own arbitrarily-chosen will....YOU did! If it hasn't dawned on
you all yet, I make the Rules of The Game you play by or should play by.
If YOU violate any of what I've set up as standards, You are penalized
ACCORDINGLY for such infractions. Moreover, I realize it was NOT ENOUGH
for Jesus [part of our Holy Trinity Godhead] to become incarnated in
very limited and primative human form. He - as God and as part of God
contained in mortal/immortal flesh - knew He was of His Heavenly Father
even as a kid, and so obviously saw absolutely NO sense nor need to
disobey Daddy's Directives. Besides that, as One who could avoid being
stoned by enraged jealous and egomaniac sinners by simply hiding Himself
(sort of like a jedi on Star Wars using diversionary mind control),
as One who could changes water into wine and megamultiply some boy's grocery
lunch to feed a stadium-size crowd, as One who had at His beckoning legions
of mighty angels, He had supreme power to not be afraid of humanity and
thus could afford to tell them off like He did. So, it was necessary for
Him to be murdered by them....to be fair with you all.
In summmary, YOU have to repent - I MYSELF do NOT have to, nor will I.
Who would I repent to: Myself? You? WHO sits on the Creator's throne
and cannot be kicked off? YOU? I have been, am now, and will be PERFECTLY
CONSISTENT with My own will and how I set up things. YOU have NOT! Either
YOU do things MY way with your 'free' will....or YOU go DOWN. No offense,
but: Get a Life, and Get With The Program!
Keep in mind (as much as you're able with your pathetically-infinitesmal
puny comprehension and perception capacity) how INFINTELY GREAT I am.
AND good. I already HAVE been, am NOW, and WILL be VERY benevolent
to you all. You like the MODERATE TEMPERATURES, and the BEAUTIFUL phenomena
of My nature? Things COULD be one HELL of a lot worse - literally! - if I
wanted them to!!! So shape up, or ship out.
God so loved the world....that the broad-and-easy-road-to-destruction
IMMORAL MAJORITY who do not believe in Jesus and obey Him when they find
out about Him, will rightly burn eternally in the OUTER DARKNESS
and TORMENTING FLAMES of hellfire FOREVER! So much for the nude young
broads and booze in Nirvana mythology.
EVE: Oh Adam, what's that animal over there?
ADAM: It's a whatchamicallit.
EVE: And what's that other one over there?
ADAM: It's a thigamajig.
EVE: You're disgusting.