The other day I was thinking.

Unusual for me, to some extent.

I was asking myself: "What the DUCE are you doing - declaring what all you are dissertating didactically pertaining to Biblical creationism instead of cyintiffic evilution? Do I really believe bullyboy-brainwasher beatitudes of taking PLANET OF THE APES as gospel? Do I actually believe in hocus-pocus magic which SOME miscall "miracles?" WHAT in the wide, wide, wide, world of sports did Job infer in chapter eleven verse twelve postulating that man does not come from ass?" What did he know about it?

I am NOT superstitious, nor want to start being so now. I am NOT gullible when it comes to slight-of-hand tricks in the name of divinity. - nor do I like lying fairy tales, myth, allegories, metaphors, parables, conjectures, and hallucinations dogmatically blattered out mindlessly as "facts." I know what I see, hear, and feel....and trust THAT only. Call me a "doubting Thomas" if you must. Whatever.

So, the Bible states that in "the beginning" (whenever the heck THAT was), "God" "created" the heavens and the earth...and that was it, that was ALL there was at the time, I guess.

Using the Big Bang? And where or out of WHAT was the material involved with the Big Bang? WHAT was the origin of THAT?

DON'T give me that BS that "it always existed" or "created itself." Illogical insanity doesn't CUT it with me. GO away RIGHT away rather than blabbering that bronto feces in my presence. And do NOT even THINK of telling me: "We don't KNOW.....and we DON'T want to find OUT." Should those filthy gutterwords trespass into my ears from that ridiculous hole under your nose, I just may flip the bird up a different one of yours.

ScriptureScience says that God created the heavens and earth in the beginning....but HOW He did it, He did not elaborate on. I do not know if He'd tell me if I asked. At this point in my non-solicited existence (born into what all I was born into without my request, permission, nor consent) I doubt it, so I'm NOT gonna try. You try if you want, then let me know what HE says (then give me the Hard Copy on it).

Incidently, as a scientist, I take everything (obviously not self-destructive) which I have become aware of into consideration as to what I am saying in this website - including the HOLY BIBLE. If you don't LIKE that, and have some kind of a biased prejudicial hangup against that particular source of rather-reputable information, stick your head in a toilet someone has recently vomited in, and consider pulling the flush lever only after you've suffocated.

Getting back to God, the Record informs us that God created animals "out of the ground." So much for that sea-slime propaganda I was forcefed in "school." And no Biblical mention of lightning zapping primordial slime....much less zapping a previously-molten surface of cooled-down lava. About the billion/million years vs. six-day timing, I may get to that later on in the website.

Living animals originated out of the inanimate ground?

After my daily routine of snacking on soylent green (the body and blood of the load) - which, by the way, I gather might become a hot new 99-cent lunch item at mcdonalds, arbys, burger king, dairy queen, and wendys if the State Heath Dept can stomach it (though for now you may get it only at general nutrition center stores) - I decided to try creating animals out of the ground myself. Since God is said to have done it, perhaps I could also. If successful, I'd promptly go down to city cemetery, get a permit, start raising the dead, and cause hell.

The media would go wild. I crave such excitement.

After all, the man did say that "he who believes in me will do greater things, if we have faith to move mountains without bulldozers, as we have died and our life is hid and our flesh crucified with him?" Sounds kinda messy.

So I was expecting something big.

First, I got the glass of dirt from the garden and put it under black light, expecting action in seconds. Who knows....maybe in 10,000 time-machine years after the Bomb blasts the global surface, morlock legend will abound that the first human created life a trillion years ago.

That would be flattering.

It didn't work. I waited another 10 full seconds. Nothing.

Then I poured vinegar on the dirt, figuring that a little amino acid was needed as a catalyst.

Still nothing. This time I waited a full minute!

Then I got both worried and serious. "A little spark in the grimy goo is my last resort," I reasoned. Disconnecting my 30 KV high-voltage transformer from the Jacob's-Ladder rabbit-ear rods, I shocked the mud good.

Nothing. Nothing. NOTHING!

I gave up. Fiddling around with nucleonics is beyond me. Don't have the time, knowhow, nor interest. I believe in miracles. I'm getting hungry.

Thinking about some of what I stated before, I now feel like throwing up.
But I'm back at it. Grab a can of pop, and sit back. This will take a while. Ready for a parody?

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Promptly thereafter, the Federation radio-telescoped a Summons citing the Lord for Failure to Fill Out A Building Permit, Disregarding Zoning Laws, and topped it off with a Cease and Desist Order for Not Filing An Environmental Impact Statement.

After the World-Wide Flood (which, at the time, government planners presumed to be a sick joke from a wacko religous nut), Noah and Co. got out of the Ark only to be arrested by local sheriffs for Not Having His Boat Licensed and Insured and for Conspiracy to Aid and Abet Commission of Global Genocide and Megavandalism.

After consulting with their attorneys, the israelites were asked by federal and state authorities why God began His six-day project in the first place. They replied that He liked to be creative.

God had said: "Let there be light." Bureaucrats had insisted that the light be pollution-free, and for the sake of conserving energy be on only half the time. So God caused Day and Night.

On Day 4, God started the sun up. Immediately there were nuclear-radiation protesters causing a ruckus, and the Atomic Energy Commission got into the fray.

God then had said: "Let the earth bring forth vegetation and yield seeds after their own kinds." That "after their own kinds" sent evilutionists into a howling tizzy, and the EPA demanded that God limit seeds to be organic only.

After this, God started the birds, bees, and wild animals. The Dept of Natural Resources wondered why God hadn't been in touch with them first.

God had told them His project would take six days. That infuriated the Planning Commission, who informed Jesus by multiband transmission that first there would have to be a Bureau of Air and Gravity set up for homeland and national security, congressional hearings pertaining to establishing a federal agency for their operation, a quality-control department to oversee the agency, financial advisors to fund quality control, employee unions to work for the financial advisors, accountants and tax assessors for paycheck deductions for the employees, and police to patrol the accountants and tax assessors to make sure all urinated only on the hour for no more than 19 seconds not to exceed 13 times a week, plus use less than seven and one half inches of tissue paper when on the pot, except on holidays.

At that point, God created Hades.

It has been said that George Washington never obtained a State marriage license. Perhaps many other presidents were similarly never likewise encumbered.

With all the recent flap about San-Francisco, U.S. westcoast, and Massachusetts Homosexual Pairing Licenses (note that I do not call them 'homosexual marriage licenses'), one wonders WHAT type of involvement (if any) the State (i.e. secular government at any and all levels) should have regulating pastors who perform marriages, couples who get married, etc. MUST a priest always be ordained by the State to be God's priest?

According to Scriptural directives, marriages need NOT be certified nor licensed by secular governments at federal, state, county, nor city level. They, however, can be so declared by whoever, but need NOT be. [Informed advice for interested websurfers can be obtained through keywording Matt Trewella and Peter Kershaw in search engines].

IF a couple agrees to draw up, sign, and forever adhere to their own public or private Permanent Concubinal Marriage Contract, the State either will not recognize that couple as certifiably married [thus not placing THAT couple under questionable divorce-settlement, property-rights, child-custody, nor protective-intervention statutes in their case] or instead consider that couple as common-law married. In the FORMER case, it is up to the couple to NEVER put themselves under obligation to government by declaring themselves 'married' in any government document of any kind. However, the common-law-[equivalent] couple can declare themselves hitched to whoever ELSE they deem appropriate and helpful. Remember, even though Abraham declared Sarah to be his sister and not his wife, resulting in King Abimelech taking Sarah as his own woman, Sarah could have refused the takeover.