If you're expecting an in depth driver's analysis, you'll be disappointed - I just had a lift in one of these things.

I was left with just one question; what on earth is it for?

As you know, the Citroen Xsara is a perfectly adequate shopping trolley. As a car, it's completely average; it moves faster than a Peugeot 309 but slower than an MG ZT. It rides better than an Escort but not as well as a Citroen GS. It's got less space in the rear seats than a Rover P6 but more than... well, more than a Mini. An original one. From the outside, it's much like the old one but much uglier, with ridiculous "surprised" headlights and an enormous plastic rear bumper that reminds me of a filled nappy. Oh, and the engine doesn't make a very nice noise.

So far, so ordinary. A car for people who just need to get from A to B.

These people want an efficient, cheap, no nonsense vehicle. So why the hell did Citroen fill it with so many stupid toys? Let's gloss over the fake wood and go straight onto the automatic headlights and wipers, the courtesy light which comes on, slowly, when you turn on the engine off and the truly enormous remote control (God only knows how you fit the key into your pocket) which controls, among other things, the child locks on the back doors and can open the boot for you. Annoyingly, it's powerful enough to do this through trouser material so you can pop your boot while looking for your wallet to find change for the parking meter.

If these toys were fitted to an expensive car, like a Rolls, they might seem worthwhile. In fact, they're a complete waste of money, battery power and weight and attached to a cheap, fairly crap car like a Xsara, they're a bit, well... a bit medallion. A bit Grecian 2000.