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"Alien Baby Princess and Munchausens"
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"We are the munchausens kids, the munchausens kids, the munchausens kids…."You know I used to call munchausers munchousers!!!!! Ooooopsie. Alrighty then, it's almost Halloween 2002! What do all this site's viewers plan to do for the upcoming wondrous occasion of what I love to refer to as, "All bugs day?" I have some extra special plans myself. Drum-roll please ---- I plan to walk around the mall with my alien princess daughter and hand out munchausers candy to all the little children because I hate them each and every one! LOL! Of coarse, I'm kidding! But I do hate my alien princess daughter. I have a serious person in situation and social stressor problem with her. The troubles NEVER end! It started at the moment she was born somewhere between the outward explosion of my abdominal walls and when the thoroughly freaked out doctor had to slice all of her 18 hairy legs and almost a hundred tendril covered toes out of my uterine lining. The nurses and doctors looked on in horror as she was extracted. And what did my baby do once she was out in catching her very first glimpses of the world? Did she cry or coo? Heck no! She hissed violently, flickering her forked snake-like tongue all about and then she bit the doctor's hand right off! Ever since then it's been really tough. My baby just was never accepted, not anywhere I went or anywhere I go! They won't take her at school. The day care centers won't accept her -- not after they review her one previous record from the Child Crisis Nursery where she bit another child's head off. After she finally calmed down and stopped hissing and spitting fire she told me the other child wouldn't give her his toy so she had to eat him! I was appalled of coarse, but what am I to do! I keep taking her to psychiatrists and psychologists and social workers and no one can fix her! I take her to doctors and they send me to scientist and the scientist just want to dissect her! I've offered to give her to CPS, but CPS won't take her! They say they don't care how dysfunctional her home life is she's too much of a biter for them to handle!And YES I shake her! Shaking her is the only way to get her fangs out of my arm when she has one of her frequent wicked rabid temper tantrums! I live in terror of facing the same fate as the doctor that delivered her or how about what happened to that little boy who's head she nipped off at the Child Crisis Nursery! Sometimes when I'm feeling blue I insert my arm in between her fangs and I make her bite me. This way I can visit every doctor in town and soak up loads of sympathy. Nothing elicits sympathy better than my arm after she's ripped into it with her teeth and poisonous oral glands. My husband sat on her head once and suffocated her on purpose. He didn't know what else to do because she got really mad and dug her teeth into his behind. She wouldn't let go so he sat on her! Well, he needed to go to the restroom and he didn't want to sexually abuse her by exposure -- he had to get her off and it was impossible. So he decided to try killing her. It didn't work. She bit off his left hindquarter and then released her grip and slithered right out from under him with a big cat who ate the canary grin on her tiny pointy face! The good news is that after she ate my husband's left buttock we didn't have to feed her for nearly a week! And yes I do kind of have munchausens, I mean without that keg of Cyanide every other day she simply can't survive! Her big purple alien PaPa told me so when we were together last! Ah, that phenomenal coition and he didn't even bite! I don't understand why my alien princess daughter bites! Now she is very partial to mold, she must eat a few pound of it every hour! I really wish the alleged perpetrator had included the address of that crazy lady's old apartment so that I could have harvested some mold for my princess! As for sophisticated psychological torture techniques - I don't know. Does the occasions when I locker her up in the wine cellar count?I don't know what else to do because the wine cellar is the only place that calms her when she has a tantrum -- I mean after I shake her off of my arm! I tried to sign up for parenting classes and baby and me classes, but the second the teachers say her they kicked me out! Well, I wish all the viewers a wonderful Halloween! I too plan to enjoy it. All I've got to do is figure out a way to affix the muzzle onto my alien baby princesses' costume and it'll be a great Halloween!
By Lady Lost
Copyright © 2002
All rights reserved
Library of Congress Copyright
International Copyright
No rights to copy, print, download, duplicate, or display elsewhere other than this specific website granted or implied without the direct written permission of the author. Please contact agent of the author: Mr. Gunther S. Vanludwick at svanludwick@yahoo.com
**As with all poetry, essays, correspondence and/or published letters, e-mails or other communications presented on this webpage, this work is a personal subjective expression of its author's own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. This statement is in no way intended to invalidate or minimize the powerful and poignant experiences of this author. However, this statement is intended to indicate that creative expressions such as these written forms of artwork are derived from their author's own personal feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions.
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This work, presented above, is a comedy work and is in no way intended as validation or advice for parents. Both Lady Lost and myself wish to assure you that there is no alien baby and if you believe that you have such a baby please seek support and professional aid immediately. Below are some valuable referral numbers for USA families, children and individuals in crisis: USA viewers, If any of these numbers should undergo change in the near future and you require crisis services please dial information in your state location and ask for Information and Referral. Information and Referral should be capable of assisting you in your search for necessasy services.
1) Kidspeace Children's Crisis Line:
1-800-344-4KID
2) Children's Crisis Line:
1-800-KID-SAVE
3) Girls and Boys Town Hotline: 1-800-KID-SAVE
4) St. Luke's Behavioral Health (Mental Health Care and Crisis): 1-800-821-4193
5) Value Options Crisis Network (Mental Health Care and Crisis): 1-800-631-1314
6) Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
1-800-782-6400
7) National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233 (Open 24 hours)
8) Contacs (homeless, domestic violence victims):
1-800-799-7739 (24 hours)
9) Child Protective Services: 1-888-SOS-CHILD, or 1-888-767-2445.
10) Parents Anonymous Family Lifeline:
"Hope when parenting gets tough"
1-800-352-0528
11)Information and Referral: 1-800-352-3792
`12) Tenant Lines:
1-800-362-3474
13) Information and Referral: 1-800-564-5465 (24 hours)
14) Adult Protective Services: 1-800-SOS-ADULT
15) Raising Special Kids (Serves Parents of Disabled Children): 1-800-237-3007
16) HUD National Hotline:
1-800-HUD-1010
17) Food Banks Information Center (AZ):
1-800-352-3792
18) WIC (Women, infants and children)
1-800-252-5942
19) American Red Cross:
1-800-842-7349
20) Easter Seal Society:
1-800-626-6061
21) Intervention Program Children's Information Center: 1-888-439-5609 (children 3 and under at risk for developmental delays)
22) Epilepsy Foundation:
1-888-768-2690
23) Kids Care (AZ):
1-877-764-5437 (kids without medical insurance).
24) Pregnancy and Breast-feeding Hotline:
1-800-833-4642.
25) Sexual Abuse CASA:
1-888-446-2272
26) Teen Crisis Line Nat'l Christian Crisis Line:
1-800-HIT-HOME
27) Teen Lifeline:
1-800-248-8336
28) Ala Teen and preteen (children of substance addicted parents):
1-888-425-2666
29) U of A Pregnancy Risk Line (AZ):
1-888-285-3410
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