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"In All Seriousness But Not HERE"
In all seriousness, but not HERE, not on this webpage, the very topic of munchausens by proxy or munchausens alone is a horrid one. It brings forth baleful images of the contents of a few published true crime novels with titles and authors I cannot currently recall. It beckons memories of some rare individuals I have recently met or heard about who are survivors. And it pours into my mind's visions some ghastly images I have seen on uncommon talk shows and news programs. True munchausens by proxy or munchausens alone is not a joke, nor is it fitting material for entertainment of this nature. However, there is one certain local village idiot that has deemed the topic of munchausens by proxy and other hideous forms of child abuse accusations fair game for his deranged vendetta. Village idiots do have a knack for turning any subject into a three-ring circus of mockery. For this reason and many others I believe he, It, the Tick Man, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Stalkadillo, Thing should be ashamed of his vile entirety. Since Stalkadillos are incapable of shame or remorse (I.E. that's part of their anti-social personality disorder and/or sociopathic state) here we go with more munchausens' comedy. Appropriate or not it appears more than appropriate after two years of victim-hood! Onward: My alien princess baby daughter ATE her new kitten today! No it wasn't a black kitty either. It was a very sweet Persian kitten I purchased for my alien princess baby daughter's birthday -- I bought her a kitty because I HATE all little children and I especially loathe her! LOL! OK, OK, we're getting way off track here…… Back to the story as it was meant to be told: My alien princess baby daughter ate her kitten today! I tried to stop her by shocking her repeatedly with a cattle prod (I.E. sophisticated psychological torture techniques -- Golly I better hurry up and buy one of these cattle prod things so that my stalker can find it and obtain his proof the next time he creeps around out here! I can hear him now, "OH, OH, OOOOOOH, OOOOOOH, OOOOOOOH, AAAAAAH, AAAAAAAAH, AAAAAAAH, HHHHHAHHH, AAAAAH!!!!") but she didn't even flinch when I shocked her spiky little backside! After ripping her kitty apart limb by limb and slurping it in she proceeded to glare at me and babble strings of obscenities in tongues! How do I know she was babbling in tongues? Why, I whipped out the handy dandy tape recorder and taped her every utterance! The first rule of parenting an alien baby princess pet eater meat processor daughter is, "always be prepared!" After taping her verbal onslaught, which I am convinced was aimed directly at ME, I lured her into the wine cellar using her hamster as bait! I then called my priest and let him listen to the tape. Well, let me tell you he was convinced that my alien princess baby daughter was indeed possessed, we had to make immediate plans for an exorcism. Since the priest couldn't make it over right away I decided to try cleansing her tainted soul myself -- not that I was really sure she even had a soul. I mean she is an alien princess baby and I do NOT mean she's part illegal Hispanic immigrant in America either! Her father came from outer space -- literally! We had our fling in the far away cosmos remember? Anyhow, I started the cleansing ritual by force feeding her repeated doses of epickak (now for a muncher I should surely know how to spell that word -- but since I haven't ever bought it, epickak, I'm at a serious loss, it's the stuff that makes you puke, right? Well if it's not just pretend it is for the story!) by the 5 gallon jug full. She refused to puke up those demons! Even after 20 gallons of epickak she simple glared at me and licked her lips -- she didn't even have the decency to spill her cookies! I guess epickak doesn't work on alien baby princesses. Next I tried to over-dose her on Tums. She ate all I gave her and then bit my arm because the bottle was empty and she wanted MORE! The fact that she bit my arm and deeply severed it was wonderful though because I really felt an overwhelming needs for physician attention by this time. So I got to race around to every hospital in town and get my arm all taken care of. It was so soothing. Driving all those hundreds of miles to all those hospitals. Every time one emergency room physician would stitch me up and give me my Tetanus shot, and all those nurses would finish doting on me I felt just fantastic. However, the staff would once again refuse to admit me so that the joy could go on and on and on -- So I just had to hop back in the car, rip my stitches out and proceed to the next emergency room for another treatment of attention! Yippeeeeeeeeee! After the first dozen or so emergency rooms I got smarter and found out that I could soak up a lot more attention and sympathy from the hospital staff if I gouged the wound open a little more each time I ripped the stitches out. It was really a wonderful afternoon and evening. However, I knew the time was approaching to get my alien baby princess daughter out of that clothing trunk cedar chest I'd packed her in and get ready for the priest's arrival. So home I went. I poured some wine in my fanciest glassed, lit some romantic candles, made every portion of my living room as warm and cozy as possible in a pinch and got myself all dressed up to receive extra attention and sympathy from the priest when he arrived. Phew. A few minutes before he got here I was even able to fit in spiking his wine with a munchy munchausens surprise! My very own secret recipe for poisoning guests! LOL! Since I'm kind of confessing again I suppose I ought to tell you what my surprise recipe is, right? I don't want to but I guess I have to: It's 5 lizard scales, 6 insect legs, 3 carpet strands, 1 personal hair and a partridge in a pair tree! Alright, the priest came in and we got my alien baby princess daughter out of the cedar chest, yes I know it was sort of cruel of me but I forgot to get her out before and I really did get a thrill out of making her stay in there longer anyway, and we set forth to conduct the exorcism. Wow, speaking of fire works! In retrospect that exorcism idea was really a lousy one! My alien baby princess daughter started this horrible ear shattering keening and rocking herself back and forth back and forth. The next thing I knew things, even heavy items of furniture, were flying airborne all around the room! And then it all stopped. Suddenly everything stopped flying and my alien baby princess was completely silent and peaceful. She simply stood erect upon her delicate 18 legs and crossed the room so demurely drifting towards the priest. The priest was delighted! He sighed in relief! He declared her cleansed and then as he turned his back to leave she leapt into the air and ate him head first! I mean she ate him starting from the top and her jaws didn't stop munching until he was gone! Back to the theory of the alien baby princess meat processor. Needless to say, after consuming the priest she was quite full. I was able to maneuver her back into the cedar chest where she remains unto this moment. I suppose tomorrow I'll try to cleanse her myself once again. Besides, my wound is looking too clean. Even the swelling is subsiding. I'll either need to rip it open again or have her bite me again or both would be ideal so that tomorrow I can get some extra special attention from all those hospital people once again!
By Lady Lost
Copyright © 2002
All rights reserved
Library of Congress Copyright
International Copyright
No rights to copy, print, download, duplicate, or display elsewhere other than this specific website granted or implied without the direct written permission of the author. Please contact agent of the author: Mr. Gunther S. Vanludwick at svanludwick@yahoo.com
**As with all poetry, essays, correspondence and/or published letters, e-mails or other communications presented on this webpage, this poem is a personal subjective expression of its author's own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. This statement is in no way intended to invalidate or minimize the powerful and poignant experiences of this author. However, this statement is intended to indicate that creative expressions such as these written forms of artwork are derived from their author's own personal feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions.
** This work is pure fiction. In addition, this work was not deemed worthy of proofreading by either Lady Lost or myself! Therefore, this work may contain typing errors, spelling errors or other presentation errors. Please do enjoy this work for what it is, which remains a comedy related effort at releasing stress.
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"Reference Information Page:"
Below are some valuable USA referral numbers & information sources for families, children and individuals in crisis: If any of these numbers should undergo change in the near future and you require crisis services please dial information in your state location and ask for Information and Referral. Information and Referral should be capable of assisting you in your search for necessary services within the USA.
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False accusations of Munchausens by proxy:
1) M.A.M.A. (Mothers Against Munchausers by Proxy Accusations) Located on the Internet by searching for, "mothers against munchausens by proxy accusations." Sources of aid are extremely expensive; however, some support is offered by individuals involved.
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Youth Lines:
2) Kidspeace Children's Crisis Line:
1-800-344-4KID
3) Children's Crisis Line:
1-800-KID-SAVE
4) Girls and Boys Town Hotline: 1-800-KID-SAVE
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Mental Health Help:
5) St. Luke's Behavioral Health (Mental Health Care and Crisis): 1-800-821-4193
6) Value Options Crisis Network (Mental Health Care and Crisis): 1-800-631-1314
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Domestic Violence:
7) Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
1-800-782-6400
8) National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233 (Open 24 hours)
9) Contacs (homeless, domestic violence victims):
1-800-799-7739 (24 hours)
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Child Abuse Issues:
10) Child Protective Services:
1-888-SOS-CHILD,
or 1-888-767-2445.
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Support and Education for Parents in Crisis:
11) Parents Anonymous Family Lifeline:
"Hope when parenting gets tough"
1-800-352-0528
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Further Information:
11)Information and Referral: 1-800-352-3792
`12) Tenant Lines:
1-800-362-3474
13) Information and Referral: 1-800-564-5465 (24 hours)
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Elder Abuse:
14) Adult Protective Services:
1-800-SOS-ADULT
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Special Children Resources:
15) Raising Special Kids (Serves Parents of Disabled Children): 1-800-237-3007
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HUD Issues:
16) HUD National Hotline:
1-800-HUD-1010
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Food Sources:
17) Food Banks Information Center (AZ):
1-800-352-3792
18) WIC (Women, infants and children)
1-800-252-5942
19) American Red Cross:
1-800-842-7349
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Easter Seal Society:
20) Easter Seal Society:
1-800-626-6061
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Additional Children's Services:
21) Intervention Program Children's Information Center: 1-888-439-5609 (children 3 and under at risk for developmental delays)
22) Epilepsy Foundation:
1-888-768-2690
23) Kids Care (AZ): 877-764-5437 (kids without medical insurance).
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Pregnancy and Nursing Information:
24) Pregnancy and Breast-feeding Hotline:
1-800-833-4642.
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Sexual Abuse Issues:
25) Sexual Abuse CASA:
1-888-446-2272
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Teen Crisis Issues:
26) Teen Crisis Line Nat'l Christian Crisis Line:
1-800-HIT-HOME
27) Teen Lifeline:
1-800-248-8336
28) Ala Teen and preteen (children of substance addicted parents):
1-888-425-2666
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Pregnancy Issues:
29) U of A Pregnancy Risk Line :
1-888-285-3410
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