My December

                                                                                                                                      Written by xYz

       December has arrived. The crisp of snow and the mood of Christmas are finally haunting my feelings. As I was gazing outside my window, I saw nothing but a blanket of a white snow covering the ground. And there I was, alone in my apartment and I never thought that I would spend this time of the year alone. It's not like I hate Christmas. It's just that Christmas always has its way to bring back a memory that I am not really fond of. This used to be my favorite month of the year.

    I try to kill the time by sitting down on my sofa and turning on jazz music. The candle on my desk is starting to go off. I grab a picture-framed next to it. I hold it close to my heart feeling irritated. Oh, dear Lord, how do I heal this pain in my heart? I have tried everything to stop the bleeding, but somehow the wound stays put. I wipe the tears on my cheeks and I open an old thick book and start writing on it.

    My December....

I think about winter like this when I was with her. I met a great girl four years ago and how she had changed my life. She was very special to me. She was smart, funny and beautiful like morning dew. She was My December.

I liked the way she laughed at my jokes, the way she talked, the way she swung her hair to the back, the way she did. I liked to touch her soft and warm cheeks, her silky hair, and everything about her. Her smile always brought joy and warmth to my heart. However, I still do not understand why God took her away from me. The doctors at St. John's hospital said that her chronic disease was too late to be cured. I had a big plan for us, sweetheart. I have dreamt that we would be one that we could somehow grow old together.

Unfortunately, I could only plan our future, while the mighty God had decided to end it.  She was the silhouette of my heart. My entire life, I have loved once and I don't think I'm capable of doing that again.

There are three things I have learned about love. It needs expressions, love takes no possession, and love will not wait. And now, I am left with the thought of her only. I would wish she knew.

   I stop for a moment. I am too trembling to memorize the past. Those bitter memories are starting to come back to me. Furthermore, I cannot even hold my hand steady to continue writing. "Everyday, we would talk for hours about anything that came up in our mind. I remembered the curve of her face when she laughed. We both laughed until we had to cry. When I looked into your brown eyes, she looked back in mine. I saw forever love in her eyes. She was like this perfect girl that a guy could ever ask for.

   My December....

Everything I have wanted in this world, I found it all in Vian. The first time I met her, I knew that I had to have her. During the time I went out with her, I could not wait until the day was over just to see her again. Those were the days that I would always treasure. My heart and soul vanished the day she was gone, baby. Is there any chance that she knows what was like living my life without her? Does she know how I feel loving her all this times? Days have gone by rapidly. I realized how hard it has been without her in my life. I even tried to move on and I was stuck in her shadow that I couldn't get out of. The path of my life leads me to nowhere, and only my desperate heart would know how perfect we could be. Everyday of these past years, I have always wondered, "Is she happy up there? What is she doing now?" Too many feelings left behind, dear. Whenever I lie awake alone at night, I am afraid to close my eyes. Just to have one dream of her and I will carry it inside. I have dreamt thousands of dreams, and she was the one who painted all my dreams. Vian, tell me, am I very far? Have I somehow become so obsessive that I just can't get you out of my mind? So many unforgettable memories of her. I would give her my everything and risking it all on a chance, just to have her again.

    My December....

When I saw her lying helpless, my heart cried out in agony. The thought of losing her overwhelmed me. I knew there was no turning back. She knew that she was saying her final words. I cried and cried until there's no more tears to shed, I hugged her tightly so I could feel and ease her pain. I really wanted to tell her that everything was going to be fine, but I couldn't.  I stayed by her side. I really didn't want to take my eyes off her. I prayed for a miracle that somehow her condition would change. She started losing weight and getting weak from time to time. I just couldn't believe my eyes to see how skinny she became. I was startled by the squeeze of her hand.

"Babe, look at me!" she said.

"Don't you cry for me. You should know that whatever happens, I am so grateful that I am loved by you. I will tell you a secret, babe. I had a wonderful dream last night. I was at this beautiful garden surrounded by angels. Now I am happy to know that I will not be alone. I have always loved you and I always will.

"Would you stop saying that?" I yelled.

She just smiled.

"Leonard, after I am gone, I want you to light a candle for me on each of my birthdays"

I looked at her with my red watery eyes.

"Don't say that! You are going to be fine, sweetheart!"

 "Will you love me for the rest of my life?"

"No, Vian. I will not." I whispered in her ears. I remember how she looked at me surprisingly.

“No I will not.” I shook my head. "I will love you for the rest of mine."

I used to see sparks in her eyes that brightened my day. I couldn't let a day go by without seeing her face. She was so beautiful. People said that my circle of life would not be fully circle if I cannot find the center. I found my center and I had to let go of it. She was the only person that could make me whole. I just couldn't understand why God would want one of His angels back by His side. Have I done something terrible to make Him so angry?

Could this be a punishment bestowed upon me?

The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't understand it. She didn't deserve that. I just wanted to love her with all my heart. Life is already hard and complicated, why would love mess me up badly? I've always thought that it just a feeling that everyone should cherish. She heard me saying thousands of I love you and I have never get tired of saying and showing my affection toward her, even after she was gone. The emptiness inside my heart has taken over me, and I will haunt her throughout the nights of my life.

   Frank Sinatra's I've Got You Under My Skin is playing in the background. I used to dance to this music with her and how she loved singing it. Whenever we danced, I tried so hard ignoring those lips I adored so much, but how hard can anyone try when they're in love? She loved singing and dancing. Sometimes in the weekend, we would go to a local karaoke bar with our friends and sing all night.

    After I attended a Christmas mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral; I went straight to see Vian. I woke up early that day to plan a special present for her.

"Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. How are you today, My December?"

I stood in front of her grave.

"I brought purple orchids. It's your favorite flowers." I kept on talking to her knowing that Vian could hear me somehow. It becomes a routine for me to visit her grave. Sitting here alone reminded me the day of her funeral.

How I tried so hard not to cry just like she told me to. However, when her mother hugged me, I couldn't control my emotion, I wept on her shoulder. I could only imagine their loss, how hard it must had been, knowing that she was everything to them. I smelled the soil of her grave. I scratched for something that could remind me of her. It's like de ja vu all over again. I lit a candle and sang a happy birthday with a broken tune. It's been a while since I did this. I started telling her how we first met, how we had our laughs and cries. She was the best thing that ever happened to a guy like me. Even though a part of me blame her for never telling me her illness from the beginning, but the feelings that's steaming inside my heart conquered it all. I had to found out the hard way by witnessing her last breath.

 The first year after she passed away was so hard for me. Everyday, I would visit her grave and sit there for hours talking to her. I was a different person then. I liked to be left alone; I didn't like to socialize with others. I was almost going insane.

There was a moment when I heard her crying and calling out my name. I could have sworn I felt her presence around me. Time after time, I knew that she had become my guardian angel to watch over me, and how I would give anything to see and to touch my beautiful guardian angel again.

Every night, I would look up to the sky to watch the stars. She belonged to the sky with millions of stars. I remembered how she used to say that each of the stars represented a soul that could not return to their loved ones. So, whenever there was a falling star, it meant that a soul wanted to go home, but it got lost along the way.

“It could be one's long lost love.” She said.

“That's why whenever you see a falling star, you should make a wish. They would hear your wish and make it come true. They do not want you to end up the same thing like them; be the stars and watch their loved ones from millions of miles away.”

I always smile every time I remember that. She was full of surprises.

    My December...

I am sorry...I feel frustrated everytime I tell a story about her. I cannot continue this. I cannot write this diary and finish the whole story, I cannot just dig up the memories any deeper and not feel anything, I just can't..."

  Flight 323UA to London is ready to take off. My seat is by the window, 32F to be exact. I am going to put my life in this city behind me and open a new chapter. The soft-spoken voice of the flight attendance is roaming inside the plane. I almost can feel the intense vibration of the engine as it's starting. I know that there’s no turning back from this moment. The only thing I have ever loved is lying six feet under somewhere in New York City. As the plane is taking off the runway, I feel like the rest of my life flashes before my eyes. My palms are sweating, and I have never been so nervous before. It's been a while I haven't traveled by plane.

Seconds later, I can feel that the plane start shaking hard and descending fast. I can sense something has gone terribly wrong. I hold onto the ramp tightly, as if I do not want to let it go. Other passengers start to scream and some of them are crying as I look around. Oh, my God, I feel so frightened. I really do not want to die like this. There are so many things I haven't done. I am not ready for anything! I haven't ...

Suddenly, I see a bright light in front of me. It's so bright; I cannot even open my eyes. There's something strange about that light. I don't feel scared, I don't hear others crying nor screaming anymore, instead, I hear a moment of peace, a total silence. I feel safe and secured. I look around and I see people are walking toward that bright light. I follow them as if I have a destination to go. At the end of that light, I see people gathering by an entrance of a gate that leads to a sort of a castle. Those people greet us warmly.

"Hi, Leonard." I look around to find the source of that heavenly voice. Somehow, I recognize that voice very well. A voice which I have been missing to hear for years.

"Vian?" I cannot believe my eyes to see a person that's standing in front of me. She is still beautiful as the first time I laid my eyes on her.  I hug her at once without saying a word more. I don't want this beautiful moment to come to an end. Tears that long to be cried, lips that long to be kissed, and heart that needs to be loved and nurtured have been finally answered.

"Where am I?" I ask her in confusion. "What is this place?"

She is just smiling. I look in those eyes and I find all the answers I have asked. One of them is that I have found My December, and I promise I will never let her go knowing that we are together as one again.

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