Alone in my room, I glance at the ceiling. Crickets’ sounds are heard in a blue moon. Humans are just and only humans, but life is not just a simple life. I am standing alone, in the center of all the confusions, between sky and earth, tried to learn and to see “What makes a man?”
Emptiness, and loneliness as well as sadness have ruined my faith. All my love poems about life, are they just blank paintings, meaningless, or proofs of my passions? Which one came first: life or death? Everything is still blurry, and none of them has shown its true shape which will help me to cleanse my feelings. And time ticks down to the zero, irreversible.
The image in my heart, the one that I have perfectly created. The one my heart beats for. A heaven-sent to make sure that I am cared for. A creature that glows in my darkest hour. She shines her light to the core of my heart to fill the emptiness, to warm the cold-blooded feelings, to hold me until I fall in love all over again. I am indebted to her, and somehow, I feel obligated to make her happy, to be her knight shining armor.
And I become a better man. I have never thought that I eventually face the era. How my life has always been on the certain path that I am destined to walk on, and my being in this world will have a meaning. It’s true that life is a learning process. Being a grown up is not necessarily significant with age, but from a circle of life, we can learn how to be a grown up, regardless our age. A coin could have many sides, if it was seen from different point of views. And from each of our seeing eyes, we are determined to have different perceptions. Maybe it is premature to judge things right or wrong, if we just verify one side of it. There is a slim chance we could benefit from our wrongdoings. And what it may seem beautiful and perfect, masquerades a hidden dark secret.
Life consists of many rules. It is up to us how we want to live our lives. I believe in every second, human beings face the obstacles of their lives. Choices to make will take them to different destinations. He or she has just to know how to aim and control the existence. And in one level, the word coincidence is nonsense! I believe things happen for reasons.
This room is a silent witness to every human being that has lived here. If these walls could talk, what kind of human being would I be? Would these walls be sad if the individual in this room was sad or made a mistake and they were unable to reach out? Humans are weak. They always count on their possession to protect them.
“That painting… the stroke of the brush is powerful yet determined. Did the artist paint it with his heart? How did he feel at the time?”
“I am so glad that I have enough money to last a lifetime. Why bother to give money to charities? Those people were lazy to work hard! I am fortunate to have rich parents.”
Can this room be a witness of my life? Where so many dialogues are spoken in this room, will have to stay inside. The time when I am afraid from being hurt, and I do not want anyone else to know. I do not care where the dialogues are directed; I just want to be alone in this room. Many unspoken words are heard in this room, how I have poured my heart out. No one will ever know.
Love.
Love is supposed to be wonderful. They said you love someone with your mind and soul, but why does it hurt in my heart everytime she is away from me? I love an individual whom she has created a perfect picture of who I am. One day she will take a good look at me and I am going to disappoint her. She will see that I am not as strong, or as wonderful as she thinks I am, and I am afraid it will change the way she feels about me. Being in love is different than falling in love.
Being in love is everyday. Years from now when you look at each other, you won’t see her as an old wrinkled woman, instead you see her as she fits. That you have made her your queen in your heart, and she has become your soul mate! Falling in love is momentarily. If you nurtured it good enough, it would not disappear. However, if you are afraid to take risks of love, you deny what your heart needs. Falling in love is a way to being in love.
The force of nature.
It’s mighty strong and irresistible. Human beings are lucky enough to understand about life, even though they seldom understand it.
I have tried so hard to resist smile on my lips for everything that has happened in my life. Bitter-sweet memories. Just to be next to her, counting the moment when I will be seeing her again, is always priceless. Has she fulfill her dreams? Has she held the world in a palm of her hand? Has she captured the momentum of love that is so mysterious to solve? Questions I eager to hear. It is hard to deny that I am in love with her. The purity of her heart, her passions for life, and her intelligence! And then, her face. It is so peaceful. How I want to hold her in my arms forever and to savor her kiss.
Nature has forced us to learn to love and to be loved. And my existence in this world is complete. I have loved and am in love with the beautiful woman I could only imagine. I will never ask for more than anything else. I have only one request. I just want to love her. By doing so, is giving me a great honor, so that one day, I would be able to tell my children that once upon a time, I had loved a perfect woman for me.
… the air in my room is getting thin this morning. My emotions mixes with the smoke that’s trying to get out of my room, as if it knows that I need a moment alone.
And with all of these feelings, I realize how valuable tears are. They seem to never end, formed as expressions of feelings. From that moment, I know that love has completed my circle of life, as well as my eternal pain and sorrow. And I have become one with my existence. This is my story, and I have to find my own ending in life…
(Saturday, October 30th, 2004 at 4.30 am)