Title: To Start Again (1/4)
Author: Erin M. Blair
E-Mail: eblair@sonic.net
Classification: SRA--Story, Romance, Angst
Content: Pre-XF. Mulder/Scully Romance.
Spoilers: Pilot. Small spoilers for all the episodes up to Season 6.
Archive: OK to archive at: Gossamer, Church of X, EMXC, Xemplary, and SEFAMSRN. Others: ask me first. Please forward to ATXC.

Disclaimer: They're not mine.  Chris Carter owns them.

Summary: A secret revealed. Selective memory loss. Can love survive over time? How do you face the future when your love returns?

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TO START AGAIN (1/4)
Written by: Erin M. Blair
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FBI Building
X-Files Basement Office
March 6, 1992

From his desk drawer, Fox Mulder took out a white envelope which was simply addressed, 'Fox.' He opened it, carefully, to take out two wedding rings. A slip of paper fell out, and he bent down to pick it up. It was a handwritten letter from his wife. Through his teary hazel eyes, he tried to see the words on the paper but to no avail. *It doesn't matter, I already know what it says.*

He could clearly remember the devastation that he'd felt when the doctors told him that his wife had suffered a severe case of selective amnesia following the car accident on the way from their summer house on Martha's Vineyard.

She didn't remember him.

She didn't remember their engagement.

She didn't remember their marriage.

She didn't remember their young daughter, Katherine.

She didn't remember her career in the FBI. She remembered her parents and siblings, but she didn't remember him.

The doctors and her family told him to divorce her. With her parents signing on her behalf, his marriage was over. He was a single father now, and he was raising his little girl with the help of his mother.

It was his daughter's fourth birthday that day, and he wished to God that his ex-wife would remember them. *I still think Dana as my wife. At least, that's what she was to me when I last saw her. I know that she would never have left me of her own accord.*

He grabbed a tissue and wiped his tears. The memories of his wife were painful. To this day, it was hard for him to find the words to express what had happened. He put the paper back in its envelope, and he picked up his wedding ring. He noticed an inscription on the gold band, and he read it aloud. "Fox. Forever Yours. Love D." *I have to move on with my life. I know that it wasn't meant to be. My marriage never existed anyway.*

Mulder heard a knock at the door, and he knew who it was. *My new partner.* Quickly, he put the wedding ring in his desk drawer along with the letter and his wife's wedding band. He put the file relating to the Oregon case on his desk. "Nobody here except for the FBI's most unwanted!"

He turned towards the door, and took off his glasses. There she was. *Dana.*

"Agent Mulder, I'm Dana Scully. I've been assigned to work with you."

Although it had been a year since he'd last seen her, Mulder still thought that she looked beautiful with her long, auburn hair and azure blue eyes. There was no hint of recognition from her, which made it all the more painful for Mulder as he recalled the memory of being told that she would never remember him. "How nice to be suddenly so highly regarded. So who did you tick off to get stuck with this detail, *Scully*?" He decided to emphasize her maiden name to see if she said anything.

"Actually, I'm looking forward to working with you." Scully looked at him with fierce determination. *What's with him?* "I've heard a lot about you."

"Oh really? I was under the impression that you were sent to spy on me," Mulder said. *They're probably laughing at the thought that my ex-wife and I are partners.*

"If you have any doubts about my credentials, I---"

*I know her credentials. At least, she still remembers that. I don't even have to look at her personal file to find out the details.* "You're a medical doctor. You teach at the Academy. You did your undergraduate degree in physics. 'Einstein's Twin Paradox: A New Interpretation' Dana Scully's senior thesis." He paused, as he gave her a small smile. "Now that's a credential, rewriting Einstein."

"Did you bother to read it?"

*Dana, you know that I did. I read it a thousand times. Memorized it.* "I did. I liked it. It's just that in most of my work, the laws of physics rarely seems to apply."

Pleasantries over, Mulder got right down to business, flipping off the lights and turning on the projector. The slide showed the corpse of a young girl lying face down on the forest floor. Then next slide was a close up of three little marks on the deceased woman's lower back. "Let's see how good you are at chemistry. Can you identify those marks, Agent Scully?"

"It looks organic. It could be anything. Bug bites, maybe?"

Mulder looked at her, and nodded. "We're going to Oregon tomorrow." He made a comment to her about arriving at the office bright and early. As she left the room with a small smile, he saw a glimpse of the woman he loved. *I have to act like she doesn't matter to me but it's going to be a lie. I still love Dana.*

Fox Mulder's Apartment
Alexandria, VA
July 7, 1994

Scully walked into Mulder's apartment, and she sat down at his computer. She was trying to find where he went. When she logged into her e-mail account, his message hadn't said anything where
he was going. *Where are you, Mulder?*


When she saw the screen requesting a password, she typed in a few guesses such as "Samantha" but then she got in with "TrustNo1."  "I had this gut feeling that he'd use it," Scully said as she smiled. She saw the coordinates, and she started the printer. As the document was printing, she opened Mulder's desk drawer to get a pen. She saw two wedding bands, and she took one out to see it close up. "Fox. Forever yours. Love D." *Who's D? Who was he married to?"

All of her thoughts regarding Mulder's marriage were quickly dashed when fellow agents came bursting into his apartment. She took the printed document, and left. She had to save Mulder before they found him and figured out his secret.

Arecibo, Puerto Rico
July 9, 1994

Scully arrived in near the lab obversatory where Mulder was. She looked around as her eyes adjusted to the dim light. Everything was in disarray. Papers were strewn all over the floor, and then she saw Mulder. He was laying on the ground, so still, that she thought he was dead. "Mulder?"

His hazel eyes fluttered as he focused on Scully. Briefly, he forgot she was his partner, but his wife. "Dana, I had an awful nightmare..."

"Mulder, it's me, Scully. Do you know where you are?"

Then he became fully awake. He got up on his feet, and he put his hands on her shoulders. "We've got solid proof. Evidence." He paused. "They were here, Scully."

"Mulder, we've got to go," Scully said with a sigh. She was mystified why he called her 'Dana' in a very intimate manner. She would ask him about that later, but now, they must escape the UFO retrieval team.

Mulder Residence
Annapolis, MD
January 5, 1991

Mulder heard his wife groan, and felt her
tossing in the sheets beside him. He could
feel the smooth satin of her white nightshirt
against his body. His voice became low and
soothing as he started to overcome with
worry. "Did you have another nightmare
again?"

Dana nodded. "Yes."

Mulder's brow creased with concern for his
wife. "Dana, why don't you tell me about it? Does
it have to do with your job at the FBI?"

Dana shook her head with a sigh. "No, that's not
it. I like my job teaching forensic medicine at
Quantico. It gives me more time to be with you and
Katherine." Her eyes lit up at the mention of their two
year old daughter, momentarily forgetting the pain
that the nightmares had caused.

"Then what is it?"

"It's that same nightmare. I'm having it over
and over again."

Mulder's eyes were full of concern for his
wife. He knew about her nightmares as she had
been having them for months. Lately, their regularity
had been intensifying, coming every night for the
past week. "I thought that it ended when Katherine
was born."

"I thought so too. My nightmare's back now. It
started when we talked about our trip to the summer
house last week."

"Maybe we shouldn't go," Mulder suggested, thoughtfully.
"If the nightmare's telling you that this car accident
will happen during our trip, maybe we should just stay
home. I want to be with you."

Dana looked at Mulder's concerned expression, and
she sighed. "We already have the time off, Fox. We
already arranged for your mother to take care of
Katherine. We both need a vacation, and I think
that this trip would be a good idea."

"It doesn't sound like a good idea now." He paused.
"Why don't you tell me what happened in this dream?"

"All I know is that I suffer from selective amnesia.
I remember everything...but I don't remember you. I
don't remember our marriage. I don't remember falling
in love with you. I don't even remember giving birth
to our daughter!"

Mulder saw how his wife clenched the covers in fear,
and he pulled her into his embrace. With a gentle
touch, he stroked the small of her back to reassure
her. He knew that these nightmares were intensifying, and
he always tried to soothe her as best as he could. He
looked into her eyes, and saw the despair that the
nightmares caused. "Is there something else?"

Dana nodded. "Yes."

"What?"

"In my nightmare, I saw you. You were so devastated
at what happened to me that you lost faith in us. Most
of all, you lost faith in me. You closed yourself off. I'm
going to make sure it doesn't happen to us. I'm going to
write a journal and I'm going to put all our photos in
albums...and I'll write letters to you."

"How's that going to prevent it? Dana, I thought that
you didn't believe in psychic dreams..."

"Normally, I don't. This one struck me to the core.
It's so realistic, Fox. I know that you're not sure
about the photo albums and the journal and the letters,
but they will help me recover my memories back if that
car accident happens."

"How so?"

"You're going to give me them in the hospital. You have
to fight for me, Fox. You have to fight for our marriage,
and most of all, I want you to fight for our daughter. Will
you promise me?"

Mulder looked at her hopeful expression, and nodded. "I
promise."

"Thank you," Dana whispered. "I promise that I'll always
be with you--just like our wedding bands say." She
got up from their bed, and Mulder followed her into their
daughter's bedroom. She look at Katherine, sleeping, in
her bed while she smoothed her daughter's auburn hair.
"She looks so beautiful."

"I know."

"Katherine looks like me."

"She does look like you, Dana. I wonder if she has
anything of mine."

"She does, Fox. Someday, she'll probably be just
like you in some ways."

Mulder smiled at his wife. "Know what?"

"What?"

He looked deeply into her blue eyes, and his
smile deepened. "I wouldn't mind if she's like
you in every way."

"I bet you do," she said as she hugged him.
"Do you remember when she was born?"

"I do, Dana. Remember when we first saw her?"

"You said that she was 'our little Scully,'
meaning how much she looked like me."

"She still does. She got her looks from her
beautiful mother--you."

Dana gave her husband a smile which lighted up
her features. She knew that it was time to discuss
a subject closer to her heart. "Fox, I was wondering
if we can have another child?"

"Another child?" Mulder inquired. He saw his wife's
smile deepen.

"Yes, I want us to have another child. The timing's
right. Katherine will be three years old soon..."

"You want her to have a sister or brother to play
with?" Mulder asked as Dana nodded. "I would love
another baby, Dana."

Dana's eyes shone with happiness. She embraced him,
and stroked his back. "After our trip, we'll start
planning."

Northeast Georgetown Medical Center
Dana Scully-Mulder's room
March 7, 1989

Mulder walked into his wife's room, and he
noticed that she was breast feeding their
new daughter. He gave his wife a kiss on
the lips, and then bent down to kiss the
newest member of their family. "Hi there,
Katherine Dana Mulder."

Dana looked up to see Mulder, and she teased
him. "Aren't you going to say 'hi' to me?"

"I kissed you on the lips. Isn't that the same
thing?" Mulder asked, playfully.

"I'm just teasing you, Fox." She cleaned off
Katherine with a soft towel, and then she handed
their baby to Mulder while she fixed her hospital
gown. "She's only a day old, and I just can't get
enough of her. She looks so much like me."

Mulder nodded. "I know. You're the one who named her
'Katherine' for the very reason." He paused as he
smiled at their baby. "I know what you mean. I can't get
enough of her either."

"All throughout my pregnancy, weren't you the one who
wanted to name our daughter 'Dana'?"

Mulder nodded. "I had this feeling that she was going
to look like you. When I saw Katherine, nothing seemed
to matter except the both of you."

"I know what you mean," Dana said in agreement. "When
I saw her, I felt so complete. At the same time, Fox,
I know that we're going to have make some changes."

"Like what?"

"My job," she said with a sigh. She looked into her
husband's hazel eyes. "It's something I'd been thinking
about ever since I became pregnant. I had always wanted
to practice medicine, but maybe, it's not a good idea."

"I thought that you'd always wanted to practice."

"I did. A part of me still does, but now, I don't know."
She sighed. "Since giving birth to Katherine, I want to be
with my family. If I'm a doctor, I'll be out every single
hour of the day. I want to see our daughter grow up."

"You want a career change?"

"Not exactly...but something that will give me more
time to be with you and Katherine." She paused as she
decided to change the subject. "How's your case against
Susanne Modeski?"

"Fine. My SAC thinks that she'll be at some convention
next week. We're tracking her down."

"That's good. I wish that I could help you, Fox."

"You already have."

FBI Building
Briefing Room
May 5, 1998
11:00 a.m.

"Fox, long time, no see," Diana Fowley said,
as she approached him. "How are you?" Her brown
eyes were filled with concern for her former
partner.

"I'm fine," Mulder said, quickly. Out of
the corner of his hazel eyes, he saw Scully
getting up from her chair to join them.

"Mulder, aren't you going to introduce me
to her?"

Mulder turned around from Diana's gaze to see
her walk up. "Scully, this is Diana Fowley. She
was my former partner." It felt odd to
him to reintroduce her to Diana as they had
already met. He noticed that Scully didn't
give any sign of her previous introduction
to Diana. He turned to face Diana, who knew
about Scully's selective amnesia. "Diana, this
is Dana Scully. My partner."

"Nice to meet you, Dana. I've heard a lot about
you."

"Really? Like what?"

"That you've been his partner for almost six
years now."

"Is that all?" Scully asked, curious. For
some reason, a surge of jealousy stirred
within her.

"That's all," Diana said, with a sigh. She
didn't want to tell Scully about what happened
previously when they first met. *She doesn't
remember me. After all these years, I wonder
why Fox never told Dana the truth.*

"Come on, let's go to see Gibson Praise,"
Mulder said.

They walked to the car in silence, and
Scully got into the passenger side. With
curiosity, she watched Diana climb into
the back seat of the car. For some reason,
she'd already started to hate her. *How come?*
She turned to face Mulder, who was in the
driver's seat, and she tried to gauge some
kind of reaction from him, to no avail. Then
she decided to ask Diana how she met Mulder.
"Agent Fowley, how did you meet Mulder?"

"Well...um...I met him when I first entered
the FBI. We'd been friends for awhile, and
then the Bureau assigned us to be partners in
the Behavioral Science Unit. Shortly after that..."
She almost said "his wife left him" to
Scully when Mulder gave her a look which told
her that she shouldn't tell Scully the truth.

"What?"

Mulder grasped the wheel tightly, and he sighed.
"She helped me discover the X-Files, Scully." He
knew that Diana wanted him to tell Scully the
truth about their earlier relationship, but he
had always stopped himself. Besides Diana, his
mother and members of Scully's family, he was
the only one who remembered his marriage to
Dana Scully.

Scully frowned. *Diana was there for him
at the beginning, not me.* "When?"

"In 1991," Mulder said, quietly. "I was going
through a horrible time, Scully." He paused.
"I'll explain everything..."

"I hope so."

Northeast Georgetown Medical Center
February 7, 1991
Noon

"You're going to be released today," the
doctor said as he signed the release
form. "You have some cuts and bruises, but
you're free to go."

Mulder nodded. "What about my wife? Dana
Scully-Mulder."

"She's going to be here for some time. She
had some trauma to her brain."

"What?! I need to see my wife!" Mulder got
up from the bed, and dressed quickly in the
clothes that his mother had left for him earlier
that day.

The doctor grabbed him. "You don't understand,
Agent Mulder. Your wife suffered severe memory
loss. She doesn't remember you."

"What about our marriage? Our daughter?"

"Nothing. She doesn't remember being married or
having a daughter. In fact, she believes she's
Dana Scully, not Dana Scully-Mulder. She doesn't
think that she's married to anyone."

"Oh my God," Mulder murmured softly. *Dana doesn't
remember anything of our love.* "What about her
job? Her medical training? What does she remember?"

"She knows that she's a FBI agent, teaching forensic
medicine. She knows she's a medical doctor. She
remembers her parents and siblings, but she doesn't
remember you. I'm sorry."

Mulder felt he had been punched in the
stomach after the doctor said that his wife
doesn't remember him. He knew she'd had
nightmares about this, but he had written it
off. He told himself that everything would be
fine. Before the accident, they even talked
about having more children. "Can I see her?"

"No. Her parents felt it's best that you don't see
her."

Mulder was devastated; he felt his heart had
ripped into two sections. He wanted desparately to
see her. *Dana would have wanted me to see her! I have
to show her everything she'd written and the photo
albums.* "I have to see her."

"I'm sorry. You can't see her. Believe me, I think
that it's best for her not to see you. If she does,
it may be too risky. She might go into shock and suffer
more memory loss."

"Is it permanent?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes. She'll never regain any of her
memories. We, including her family, already decided that
you should break all ties to Dana."

When Mulder heard this, he was completely devastated. He
felt numb without any emotion. This was exactly what Dana
had feared would happen: that he would close down all emotion
and lose the fight within him. "What?"

"We think that you should annul the marriage. It would be
easier for her to deal with if the marriage never existed."

Mulder's eyes flashed with anger. "Are you forgetting the
fact that Dana and I have a daughter? If I annulled our
marriage, that would make our daughter illegitimate. It
would also imply that *our daughter* wouldn't exist. I
won't do that to Katherine."

"All right then, we suggest that you divorce her."

When Mulder heard that, he was extremely angry. "What
kind of doctor are you for suggesting that I should
divorce my wife?"

"There's no hope that she'll ever regain her memories
of you. I'm not the only one who believes this. We
had a neurologist to look at her, and he said the
same thing that I'm telling you. His recommendation
was the same as mine: break all ties to her. Divorce
her."

"If I do, will she sign the papers?"

"No. Her parents are going to sign on her behalf."

Mulder weighed up what the doctor told him. *There's no
hope, Dana. You'll never remember. I love you so much,
and I have to set you free.* "I'll divorce her."

"Good. I'll inform her parents. We'll have the papers
ready for you to be signed tomorrow."

Mulder was in total despair. His emotions were numbed
from the news about Dana. He felt he was in his
own real life nightmare. His Dana was lost to him now,
and all he had left was Katherine. She was the only one
who existed in his mind. He didn't want to see his daughter
hurt that her mother didn't remember her, and knew she needed
to be protected. "When they sign the papers, tell
them that I'll never let them see Katherine again."

En Route to Mrs. Mulder's Residence

Greenwich, CT
February 7, 1991
3:00 p.m.

Mulder was driving around aimlessly after being released
from the hospital. He needed some time to think by himself,
especially after all that had happened. *Why did this
happen to us? We were so happy. All of our life together
was cut short in a stupid car accident!* He felt that he
was drifting away on a boat with no one to pull him
ashore. Without Dana, he was miserable.

The only person that made him come back to shore was
Katherine.

Katherine was the only one from his marriage to Dana who
still loved him. She was the only reason why he'd continue
on without his wife. His daughter was the product of his
love for Dana-they created Katherine out of their love
for each other.

End of Part One of Four



Author's Notes: This story came to me in
a dream, and I thought that it was an
interesting plot to write. It got the juices
flowing again.

As much as I hated Diana Fowley, I wanted
to explore why both Diana and Scully hated
each other's guts. Both of them had their
reasons to dislike each other.

Feedback: I would like to receive
positive, critical feedback so I
can improve. Send to: eblair@sonic.net

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- Erin Blair
- eblair@sonic.net
- "And if I quit now, they win."
- from the X-Files: Fight the Future Movie