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Close to Deadline (2/7) (Disclaimer in part 1)
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I feel warmth on my face, on my shoulders, on my chest.
It is burning into my skin, feeling like it would run
straight into my bloodstream. For a moment I imagine
the warmth to be radiating from his skin, the muscles
beneath, the fine hair growing on his arms. It feels like
pure heat is pouring from his touch.
Then I realize I've woken up and that the sun is shining
down on me from the window behind me. I am still in Mulder's
apartment, lying on his leather sofa under a wool blanket.
I remember last night and wonder where he went to sleep
after he put me in.
After a moment I notice something else. It feels like
an arm wrapped around me from behind, another body
behind mine, another breath despite mine, humming
into my ear and... something intense against my back.
Oh god. I have found Mulder.
For a moment I don't know what to do- until I feel him
moving against me, his --morning erection?--pressing
more insistently into me, and I pretend to be asleep.
Trying to let my breath come out regularly and calmly,
I am lying still as he slowly gets up and-- from what
I can make out by listening to his movements-- stretches
himself, yawning softly.
Then I hear him walking towards the bathroom and closing
the door behind him.
I shift a little on the couch, not sure what to do, still
recovering from the sensation of his body so close to mine.
Of course, I have been close to him before, have felt his
skin against mine, have been holding him, cradling him
against my breast, have been held in his arms. But never
like this, never so sexually.
My goodness, he was holding me like we'd just had sex.
Like I was his lover and he'd just given himself to me.
Please do it again, I think hopefully. But, of course,
he was just comforting me. Nothing else. Just comforting
me.
I am dying, for God's sake. That's the reason why he was
cradling me. Nothing else.
I get up and stretch myself a little, letting out a yawn.
Then I make my way to the kitchen, wondering what miracle
of emptiness Mulder's fridge will present me this time.
Bracing myself to find something like a lone bottle of
Orange juice with an extension date of some years ago,
I open the door- and don't believe what I see at first.
It is filled with various kinds of cheese, some eggs,
two kinds of juices, milk, soda, marmalade- I wonder
what has come over him.
xxx
I am just finished setting the breakfast table when I hear
Mulder walking into the kitchen behind me and turn around.
He is wearing black sweatpants and a dark gray sleeveless
T-shirt. When he sees that everything is ready he smiles.
"Good morning sunshine", he says, putting a soft kiss onto my
forehead- just like in the hospital. I wonder if that kiss
back then meant as much to him as it did to me.
"Good morning, Mulder", I respond, trying not to look
away at his happiness for it's so rare. And it is
tearing my heart apart, but I hope he doesn't know it.
For the time we have left together, I want to share
his happiness, and I will not let him know how much
I am afraid of what I will have to face. How terrifying
the thought of him no longer by my side to protect me is
to me. How it is tearing my heart in two to know that
the possibility --was it ever a possibility at all?--
I ever hoped for to come true will
never be real...
Not now.
"Want anything?" I ask, offering him the coffee I made,
as he
sits down at the table.
"Yeah, thanks", he says, watching as I pour him a cup.
"Did you sleep well?" he asks, looking up at me after he
took a sip.
I turn away to hide my broad smile as I answer, "Yes,
pretty well. Where did you sleep?" After the last words,
I turn back to him to see his expression, to make out
if he got what I meant. Now the smile can't be hidden
anymore. He did sense my awareness.
I didn't think it was possible. Mulder is speechless.
Surprised.
Stunned.
I would be laughing loudly if it weren't for his puppy
dog look that is still there, even when he looks at me
open-mouthed and wide-eyed.
"Scully, I...", he mumbles after a short moment.
I can hardly force the corners of my mouth to stay down,
and after a moment of fighting, I give up, giving him a
wide smile.
"It's okay, Mulder", I laugh, "it's alright, you don't
have to be embarrassed. It's your couch and your apartment,
after all."
"But..."
"No buts", I object as I sit down and take a slice of
bread. After I put butter on it, I look at him again.
He is staring at me, still at a loss of words. I smile at
him encouragingly, being rewarded with a smile of his own.
One of these rare Mulder smiles that can warm a
one-family-house up in the middle of the winter.
The sort of smile that he only shows in intimate,
peaceful moments. This special kind of smile that
he keeps up in his heart only for me.
God help me that I can save that smile in my own heart
forever when I fade.