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Close to the Deadline (5/7)
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The words have left his lips, but they don't seem
to have reached my mind yet, because I cannot believe
what I've just heard.
*I can't lose you.*
Words spoken under silent tears, the only soft noise
in the room, spoken out of sheer desperation and obviously...
Obviously...
*What?*
While I'm still standing here, cradling a sobbing Mulder
against my belly, his words open so many new possibilities,
so many different meanings, so many consequences that I am
speechless except for one word.
"Mulder", I whisper softly, stroking the back of his head
rhythmically.
"Mulder, Mulder..."
"Scully", he sobs, shedding new tears, more tremors evolving
throughout his body, "Scully..."
"It's alright", I tell him, though I know it is not.
"Mulder, calm down and tell me", I say, giving it a new try,
"please." I want to know what is behind all this.
At my urging, he looks up, his eyes shining with moisture,
nose slightly swollen, his breathing ragged.
He then gets up shakily, standing now in front of me in his full
height, and I have to look up to see his face. He won't look into
mine, though.
Staring at his feet, he begins, "I... I've never... you know,
I have never...", I can tell he has a hard time finding the
right words, "never stopped looking for a cure for you."
My mouth drops open, and my surprise must be visible for a
blind man to see. Of all things he could have said in that moment,
this was the one I expected the least.
He is looking at me now, seeing my response, and continuing,
"Ever since that night in the hospital, I have been trying to
track this guy Scanlon down, or to get more information on the
fertility clinic or on...", he is struggling for words again,
"I've spent a lot of time at the Lone Gunmen's, and I've searched
through half the Internet for some clues... and ever since that
night... when you were at my place... I-- I... don't think I didn't
want you there again", he looks up at me pleadingly now, his eyes
begging me to understand him.
His voice again is so soft. "I just couldn't stand it... the
absolute certainty that I couldn't do anything to prevent...
that you will eventually be... be *gone*..." He is sobbing again,
and I reach out for him, feel him snuggling into my embrace, sobbing
quietly. "I can't think of what it will be like when you're gone",
he whispers, "I don't know what to do without you, how to go on...
I can't continue without you, I need you by my side, I love you, I--"
I draw away from him and look at him. I cannot believe my ears.
But he really has said the last words because he is becoming
aware of it too, gazing at the floor, then lifting his head,
looking at me, his eyes so wide with emotion, his hand searching
mine, not really taking hold of it, though, his mouth hanging
open at a loss of words, begging silently, asking me to understand,
and oh Mulder, I do understand, I do know how hard it is to hide
your feelings for years, to build up a wall around your deepest
emotions... what I cannot get myself to understand is why I didn't
notice earlier... I don't know what to believe right now, if I can
believe your words, if they are true, spoken out of genuine feeling
for me or just some stupid act of sympathy... and I am confused from
not knowing, so very confused... I am so tired of all this
I want the truth... oh please...
Now I feel tears of my own building up under my eyelashes,
slowly making their way down my cheeks.
I still try to look at him, but my vision turns blurry through
the moisture and I look away, avoiding his gaze which I know is
still focused on me.
Then it is his turn to comfort me as I feel him drawing me into
his embrace, but before I realize it I have pushed him away. Not
looking up to see the confused hurt in his eyes, I endure his
slow movement towards me, his looks gliding over me as I hug myself
tightly and try to avoid seeing him, then his voice again...
"Scully... please..."
I shake my head rapidly, not accepting his attempts to soothe me,
not before I learn about his sincerity.
I exhale sharply then speak, not sure if I will actually produce
a sound.
"Mulder... I..." I interrupt myself and start over. Trying to
figure out how to phrase this. Then I decide to go straight ahead
and ask him.
"Mulder, I need to know... what you just said..." Okay, that much
is out. The only thing that stops me from saying the rest is my
voice that is about to crack. When I speak again, I think he has
trouble understanding me.
"I need to know if you... if you're serious, if you're not just
saying this..."
After the last words are out I look at him again and see that now
he is the one struggling for the right words.
It seems he has found them when his gaze on me becomes pleading,
searching for acceptance. And then the words come out, in that
soft voice.
"How... just how could I ever lie to you?"
Oh, my...
The next few seconds, I don't really know what's happening. I can
feel my body swaying, falling, but being caught by two strong arms
before I reach the ground. I am being lifted, then being held. I try
to look him in the eye, but the tears are there again, and I am just
at a loss... don't know what to do, what to say... I'm...
I am just overwhelmed by all that happened, all that has been
revealed in the last... hell, I don't know how long. Certainly long
enough to make everything I was so sure about in those last four
years shatter with a loud crash, all the barriers I've built around
what are called emotions, all the certainty that he would never love
me...
"Scully..."
His voice slowly distracts me from my miserable thoughts.
"Scully..."
Again, one single word between us, claiming one another's attention,
explaining so much in two syllables.
I try not to choke on my own two syllables as hot tears burn my
cheeks.
"Mulder."
I close my eyes and lean into him now, simply letting him hold me,
a gesture of trust, confidence, friendship and... so much more.
At this moment, I am just glad to be held like this by him, in his
warm embrace, surrounded by the scent of him, breathing him in.
So I barely notice at first when he moves away slightly and then
lowers his head to mine.
I only feel the soft pressure on my cheeks, on my nose, the warmth
and the very slight suckling as he starts kissing my tears away.
Softly, his lips move across my face as they collect the salty
moisture from my stained skin, an even more intimate gesture with
so much promise behind it. My eyes stay closed as I revel in the
feeling.
Then I start at the loss of contact as his mouth moves away as gently
as it has invaded me.
I wait for him to do something, anything, but nothing happens.
Then I realize his eyes are searching mine, and I look at him,
shyly, regarding what there just was and what there soon might be.
And his gaze on mine is asking, tempting but not daring, and I
lay all my permission and promise into mine, hoping to give him
the confidence he needs.
And then, seconds later, it happens. His neck bows, his breath
comes against me, and his lips finally descend on mine, so lightly
at first, barely touching, his soft skin against mine.
Then I respond, pressing my mouth against his more insistently,
opening, inviting him in, feeling him suck my lips with his, feeling
his tongue probing then entering, and I accept it gladly, letting
him ravish my mouth, letting our tongues duel, releasing all the
unspoken feelings that I can now be sure of.
How long that first kiss of ours lasts, I don't know. I have no
sense of the pasage of time, I can only respond to Mulder's tender
ministrations on me, only dare to imagine what will follow, what
lies behind all this. What more there is to come. Literally.
I chuckle softly into Mulder's mouth. He notices and withdraws,
somewhat irritated.
"What?" he asks, uncertainty and loss of self esteem obvious in
his features and in his voice.
I shake my head, a wide smile still displaying on my face, and
take his hand in mine, my fingers starting to caress his long
elegant ones.
"Nothing", I reply, "I'm just..." I don't know how long it's been
since I last said the word, "happy."
Happy. The sound of the tiny word sends jolts of joy through me,
my body being fulfilled with contentment, love, love for this man
and arousal, sharp arousal overwhelming me.
I can see the same emotions passing through him, being reflected
in his eyes, and as he pulls me closer to him, I also can feel his
own arousal pressing against me, so hard, so insistent, so awake...
so good.
The warm feeling of moisture pooling between my legs grips me as
I press myself against him, feeling his hardness through his pants,
and he feels so good that I rub my body against him a little more.
The hoarse groan he makes is enough for me to lift myself on tiptoe
and take control, becoming the one to kiss him furiously, my mouth
drawing everything from him I can get, evoking more of those gorgeous
aroused sounds, leaving us both breathless, until I withdraw and look
at him, seeing my own passion, my own lust mirrored in his darkened,
half closed eyes, and god, he's beautiful, so very beautiful, looking
at me, his breath coming in sharp pants, his lips slightly parted.
The view of him, so very aroused, so passionate for me, for *me*,
makes me sure, tells me that there is only one thing for me to say.
"Make love to me."
XXX