But when it comes to matters of the heart, namely romance and love... Well, in that respect let's just suffice it to say I'm a little inept.
For the longest time I just figured it was because I didn't want to open my heart to all of the possibilities - good and bad - that falling in love entails. My purpose, my raison d'être, was to play the patsy in the never-ending global conspiracies that have plagued me for the past few years. Who needs more than that?
The truth is, my quest to find out the truth about my sister Samantha's 1973 disappearance has been the focus, and the bane, of my existence for literally all of my adult life. And I honestly believed that this, and only this, would continue to fuel my every action until my dying day.
The real truth, however, came to me in the midst of my dreams last night.
For nearly seven years, every day and every aspect of my work life has been shared. Shared with a woman so wonderful that it never really surprises me when she winds up being as present in my dreams as she is in my waking hours.
And it's quite frequently that Scully is in my dreams. Given that she's my partner, and the most loyal best friend a person could ever want for, it makes perfect sense that she should share my nighttime escapades as she does those in my real life. In fact, seeing her face in my mind's eye while I sleep has always been a great comfort to me.
But last night was different. Yes, last night Scully's presence in my dream ceased to soothe me and instead caused me to wake in the biggest cold sweat I think I've ever experienced.
I don't think I could even begin to piece together the dream in its entirety, nor do I believe I could explain in great detail what happened.
All I'd be able to tell you is that Scully was gone.
In our time together, Scully and I have been apart on a few occasions. The most significant was when, we suspect, she was abducted by aliens. She was gone for weeks and none of us, not even her mother, knew what could have happened to her.
My guilt during her absence was so great, it overshadowed nearly every facet of my life. Looking back now, I think I was definitely heartbroken without her, but my grief over my involvement in her disappearance was what was ripping my sanity from its foundations. At that point, while I would have mourned her had she never returned, I would have been able to go on with my life - after all, I'd lost merely a business partner.
When she disappeared in my dream, though, it became apparent what kind of a difference five years can make.
For my subconscious revealed to me on this occasion that yes, I had indeed lost my partner, but I had also lost my absolute best friend... my soulmate.
My awakening was a bittersweet one. On the one hand, I was relieved to be freed from the horrors of my sleep. But on the other, being awake gave me the opportunity to be conscious of the feelings my inner self had just decided to reveal.
I awoke feeling completely and utterly bereft. It took a few moments for me to realize that the overwhelming feeling of loss I had had been borne of a nightmare and not an actual experience.
What a relief it was to realize that Scully was OK, probably sleeping soundly in her Georgetown apartment.
But what a shock to begin to address, for the first time since she'd graced my life with her presence, the feelings I so clearly had for Miss Dana Scully.
I don't understand how it's possible for one to not even recognize his own feelings. Especially those that have manifested themselves so deeply in his soul that they turn him into an emotional wreck when they finally break through the surface of his consciousness.
Visions of her beautiful face, framed by that breathtaking fiery red hair, danced through my mind as my heart began to fill in the blanks my mind had drawn within it.
Fox, you're a fool if you can't grasp the notion that she's your other half, a voice within me said. Why else would she have stayed with you, knowing you, understanding you, and even loving you all the more for all of your idiosyncrasies?
I know this is true, and my heart begins to warm at the thought of all the times she's stuck by me, encouraged me... believed in me, even when no one else would.
How could I have been so blind as to not fall in love with her?
I have, though... I've done just that. And it took a dream to make me see it.
They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I know now how true that really is - I just thank God that I didn't have to lose her for real to figure it out.
"Mulder, it's 2 a.m.," Scully said to me groggily. "Is something wrong?"
I realized instantly that by calling her, I'd probably fallen prey to the characteristic bad judgement I have in personal situations. But there was no turning back at that point, not even if I wanted to.
In a strong, clear voice, I stated, "I need to see you. I'm coming over."
I knew I was being presumptuous, but I didn't care.
From the sound of things, she didn't either.
"All right, I'll see you shortly," she said, obviously becoming more awake by the moment.
Driving along the familiar route to her apartment, I realized I didn't want to show up at her door empty handed. I pulled into the parking lot of the 24-hour mini-mart on the corner by the gas station.
With a neon sign in the window, the store professed to have "All of Your 24 Hour Needs". I hoped that it wouldn't turn out to be a misrepresentation of the truth.
Luckily, I wasn't disappointed. I was able to walk out of there with a pretty bunch of wildflowers and a bottle of cheap wine. I wished I could have found a section of the store with something a little classier, but, as the old adage goes, beggars can't be choosers.
My heart was pounding by the time I reached her apartment and knocked softly on her door.
What was I going to say to her? I realized I hadn't really thought about this part of my journey to Scully's place - my journey to the truth, to her heart.
Before I even had a chance to formulate a plan, she opened the door, and smiled that beautiful smile of hers... the smile she reserves only for me.
Without a word, she motioned for me to come in.
Stepping inside, with the flowers and wine tucked discreetly behind my back, I waited for her to close the door behind me.
God, she's stunning, I thought to myself as I took in the vision of utter loveliness that was Dana Scully. She was wearing a small, form fitting white T-shirt and flannel plaid pajama pants. She'd quite clearly tried to brush her hair before my arrival, but still had a very endearing case of "bed head".
But she couldn't have looked more beautiful in my eyes.
I couldn't think, much less speak coherently. I saw that she was waiting expectantly for me to say something, and since any measure of intelligence and verbosity I possess had obviously escaped me, I ended up just blurting it out.
"I'm in love with you, Scully," I stated matter-of-factly, holding the flowers out to her.
She was clearly taken aback by my announcement of my feelings.
"Mulder, I don't know what to say," she stammered, her cheeks flushed as she took the flowers from me and placed them on the table by the door.
"I don't want you to say anything, Scully," I said, "I just want you to listen."
She nodded silently and motioned towards the couch, offering me a seat.
She sat, but I paced the room.
"Scully," I began, "I dreamt tonight that you were gone. I don't know how, I don't know where or why... All I know is that you were gone, and I woke up with the greatest feeling of loss I've ever felt in my life.
"I realized as I was lying there, on my couch, that I felt as though a piece of my soul had been ripped away from me. And that this feeling came about because you have been such a prominent presence in my life for such a long time that you, and the very thought of you, are embedded, branded, into my heart and soul."
I stopped pacing and stared out her window. Anything to avoid making eye contact...
"And it's not just that you're my partner and my best friend, Scully. You are those things, true, but you're also my soulmate.
"I've thought for the longest time that the reason I go to work every day is to put more of the pieces together, to try and uncover what happened to Samantha. And while that's still as important to me as ever, it occurred to me that it's not my motivation anymore for getting up every morning and dragging my ass into that hole of an office of ours.
"You are the reason I get up every morning. You are the one who makes me take the elevator down to the dungeon of that building and stride purposefully into our office. Knowing before I even walk into the room that you're there because I can smell your perfume, recognizing the sound of your shoes on the floor as you approach the door... The way you smile and say my name... I realized tonight exactly what those things do to me - the way they make my heart skip a beat.
"You keep me grounded in reality, Scully, and you've give me back the faith in human beings that I've gradually lost over time. Scully, I've said it before, but only now am I truly beginning to understand the reality of this statement - you complete me. You make me a whole person."
I stopped to take a breath, still looking out the window. I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt her presence beside me. She was standing so close to me, I could feel her heart pounding against my arm.
"Mulder," she said softly, her gaze penetrating my own when I turned to look at her. "I have no words..."
I half-smiled at her and, this time, looked straight into her breathtaking blue eyes as I continued to bare my soul.
"I have never before in my life felt as close to a person," I whispered. "I've lived my entire life in fear of letting anyone get too close, of letting them get inside of me. But Scully, somehow, somewhere along the way, I dropped my guard with you. You broke through the walls, and you are such a part of who I am now that it almost frightens me.
"I've worked for years having my famous mantra to back me up and defend any decisions I make or actions I take - the truth is out there. Maybe that's right, but the truth I've been so desperately trying to uncover isn't the truth that should ultimately decide how I live my life."
I cupped her chin with my hand, tilting her face upwards ever so slightly. "You are my truth, Scully," I whispered. "Having you in my life makes it worth living, and loving you helps me to see beauty in even the most ordinary things. And I know that as long as I've got you, this world will hold infinite possibilities for me... for us."
I was unsure what to make of the tears that were rolling down her cheeks. I didn't know if I'd hurt her or touched her with my uninhibited and admittedly selfish monologue. But it only took a second for my uncertainty to be abated.
"Oh God, Mulder," she whispered. "What the hell took you so long?"
And then she laughed - and it was like music to my ears, a cascading glissando of that infectious giggle that I've only been blessed enough to hear on a few occasions. Her tears continued to fall through her laughter, though, and I stunned both Scully and myself when I gently kissed her tears away.
"Scully, you are without a doubt the most important thing that's ever happened to me. I hope you know that," I said softly, looking deep into her eyes.
She smiled. It took her a moment to say anything, but when she did, it ended up being worth the wait.
"I do know that, Mulder," she whispered. "And I could say the same thing about you. I can count on one hand the number of people I've allowed into my life on an intimate level, those I've let see me at my most vulnerable. My family, of course - and then you. That's it, Mulder, only you. You've given me something to believe in, someone to turn to when I need a laugh or when I need a sounding board... I don't know where I'd be without you," she sighed, tilting her head to the side and furrowing her brow.
I put my hand on the side of her head, cradling it in my palm. Shivers went down my spine when she closed her eyes and nestled in to my touch, as though she couldn't possibly get close enough. It amazed me to no end to be feeling these feelings, feelings that I thought my life would be forever devoid of. She did things to me that I don't think I've ever felt before, both physically and emotionally.
"I don't plan on going anywhere," I told her. "You'll never have to find that out, I swear."
"I'm counting on that," she said. "I count on you for a lot of things, you know."
I smiled. "I know you do, because it's totally a mutual thing."
"It's not the only mutual thing between us, Mulder," she stated. "I'm in love with you too. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but I do know that I feel it more strongly than I've ever felt anything else in my life."
My hands were shaking, and my breathing shallow... it was hard to control all of the pent-up emotions that were finally breaking through to the surface. I didn't know whether to just hold her in my arms or to throw her onto the couch and completely ravage her.
I opted for a happy medium.
Gently taking her delicately beautiful face in my hands, I placed my lips onto hers. Another mutual feeling happened at that point, because I could feel her melt at exactly the moment I did, as the warmth of the passion between us escalated to a level we both never dreamed possible.
We fell asleep in each other's arms in Scully's bed after a few hours of whispered revelations and promises and the entire bottle of the wine I'd brought with me. Well, in actuality, Scully fell asleep and I just watched her, fascinated by the sensation of serenity I felt being so close to her.
The events of the night had been so perfect that even the rain outside and the humidity it brought couldn't dampen my spirits. The rhythm of the rain as it tapped against the window matched the steady beat of both Scully and my hearts. They beat in unison, concerted by the love that we'd finally allowed ourselves to feel for each other.
Music was playing softly in the background, from the radio Scully had turned on when we entered her bedroom. The song playing as she languidly woke up at 6 a.m. couldn't have been more perfect if I'd selected it myself. We laid there in silence and took in the lyrics to Edwin McCain's song "I Could Not Ask For More".
When the song was over, I smiled at the angel who had given me her heart and the opportunity to open my own to the possibilities that had once so terribly frightened me.
"Scully, that song is perfect," I said sleepily. "Did you hear it? He said 'Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need. Everything you are, is everything to me.' That's it. It just sums up everything that I'm feeling right now..."
She grinned at me, and replied with a giggle, "Yeah, I guess we've got ourselves a song then, huh?"
I nodded. "You know it," I told her with all the conviction I could muster. "That's the song we'll dance to at our wedding."
Scully's jaw dropped, and her eyes widened as she said, "Our what? Mulder, is that a proposal?"
I shrugged playfully, and ran my fingers through her soft hair. "Depends on what your answer would be," I replied wryly.
"What do you think my answer would be?" she said, arching an eyebrow at me. "I know you're an intelligent and intuitive man, Mulder. What does your gut tell you?"
I kissed her gently, and whispered, "My gut tells me that I should've looked for a jewelry section at that mini-mart I stopped at on the way here. I think I'm in need of a diamond..."
"I don't need a ring, Mulder," she told me. "All I need is your heart, and your word that what we've got will go on forever."
I laced my fingers through hers and looked into her eyes searchingly as I responded, "I can't imagine anything stopping me from spending eternity with you, Scully. You've got my heart, my soul... my everything. I love you so much..."
"I love you too, Mulder," she said quietly. I kissed her eyes as she fought to keep them open. She obviously doesn't do well with midnight interruptions to her sleep. I made a mental note to keep that in mind in the future - our future.
Thank you, I thought to myself, caressing her cheek as she gave in to her fatigue and fell asleep again. I felt so blessed, so completely humbled, to have been given this amazing gift. I don't deserve her, I know I don't... but thank you, God, for giving me Scully and this incredible love we share. Thank you for my awakening...
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Here are the lyrics for the song I quoted in the story. It's "I Could Not Ask For More" by Edwin McCain, and you can find the song on the "Message in a Bottle" soundtrack
Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see
The smile upon your face
These are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments
I'll remember all my life
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are
Is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
And these are the moments
I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this love together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
And every dream I had's come true
Yeah, and right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, you with me
And these are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive
And these are the moments
I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than this love together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
And every dream I had's come true
Yeah, and right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you, you with me
I could not ask for more than this love you give me
'Cause it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
And I could not ask for more