Cast:
Nelson-Sam the Eagle
Crane- Kermit the Frog
Morton- Skeeter
Sharkey- Miss Piggy
Kowalski- Fozzie Bear
Patterson- Rizzo the Rat
Doc- Rowlf
Cookie- The Swedish Chef
Guest Monster- Animal
Ambassador to Koosbane-Gonzo
Song-sung to (what else) the Muppet Show Theme
It’s time to cue the monsters,
Put on our scuba gear,
Let’s go to General Quarters
‘Cause aliens could be near.
Plant creatures, spies and phantoms,
Mad scientist galore.
Sparks flying from the bulkhead
As we tumble to the floor.
We’ll get the Flying Sub ready
And be prepared to soar
When Seaview hits that rock again
We’ll be on the ocean floor!
Torpedo tubes are loaded.
The hull is fully charged.
It’s time to get things rocking
Why don’t you get things rolling?
We’ll get things rock and rolling
On the most incredible, inconceivable,
Highly questionable, unbelievable,
This is what we call a Muppet Voyage!!!
The Curtain rises to reveal the Control Room of the Seaview. A red jump suited bear wearing headphones sits at the sonar station. A blue suited rat sits to his right. Other rats wearing blue and red jumpsuits man the remaining stations in the room. A khaki clad muppet with glasses is intently looking through the periscope. The familiar sonar ping can be heard in the background. A frog wearing a khaki uniform enters from stage left.
Kermit: Hi ho, and welcome to the Seaview. I am your Captain, Kermit Crane. We have a wonderful voyage for you tonight. And here to explain this mission is our fearless leader, Admiral Sam Nelson! Yeaa!!! (Kermit's arms flail and canned applause is heard)
(Sam the Eagle descends the spiral staircase. He wears the navy blue dress uniform jacket, complete with medals. He pauses briefly to polish his medals with his wing before continuing across the room. He ends up standing in front of the plotting table next to Kermit.)
Sam: Ahem...I have just opened our sealed orders from the President. We are to proceed to the island of Koosbane. Intelligence reports that there is an evil plot to kidnap internationally renowned Koosbanian Chicken Dancers. If this were to happen, the world would be plunged into complete chaos. Captain Kermit, set a course for Koosbane at once. I will be in my cabin. Let me know when we have reached our destination.( Sam pauses) And remember you promised this would be a tasteful skit.
Kermit: Aye aye Sir!
Sam: Good. Carry on.
Kermit (mumbling under his breath): Carry on? Oh yeah, not a problem.
(Sam strides across the room to the staircase and goes up to his cabin. Kermit turns to the Skeeter.)
Kermit: Commander Skeeter. Dive the boat.
Skeeter: Yes sir! (picking up mike) Dive, dive! Flood main ballast tanks. All ahead flank! Two degrees down bubble! Watch your trim! Steady as she goes!
(All control room personnel stop what they are doing and stare at Skeeter. Kermit pulls Skeeter aside with script in hand.)
Kermit: Skeeter! What are you doing? Your line is 'dive, dive!'
Skeeter: Sorry Kermit. I was just adding some depth to my character.
Kermit: The only depth in this script is how far under water we go. And you still only have one line.
Skeeter: Gee Kermit, my uncle, who owns this theater, is here tonight. I told him that I had an important part. He sure would be disappointed if I only had one line. (Skeeter looks out into the audience and waves.) By the way, he told me to remind you that the rent is due.
Kermit (cringes, then looks around the control room. All eyes are still on Skeeter. Well, what are you waiting for? You heard the Exec. Full speed ahead! Everyone busily goes back to work Skeeter, why don’t you stand by the plotting table so your Uncle can see you better?
Skeeter: Gee, thanks Kermit. (Skeeter scoots to plotting table and assumes a Napoleonic pose by sticking his hand between the buttons on his shirt. Kermit just shakes his head.)
Fozzie: Captain Kermit! I have something really big on sonar!
(Entire crew turns to Fozzie) All: How big is it?
Fozzie: It is so big that a two-car garage could fit in it.
(Everyone in the control room moans loudly.)
Rizzo: Man, that isn’t even funny.
Fozzie: Who asked you anyhow?
Kermit: Fozzie, how close is it?
Fozzie: Well, it is so close that....
Kermit: Fozzie!
Fozzie: Sorry Kermit.
Kermit: Let’s try this again. Fozzie, can you tell how far away the object is?
Fozzie: No.
Kermit: What does sonar tell you?
Fozzie: Kermit don’t be silly. The sonar can’t talk.
Kermit (cringing again): I mean, what does the screen look like?
Fozzie (scratches his head, almost knocking off his headphones): Gee Kermit, it looks like a round piece of glass with a flashing light inside.
Kermit: I know what it looks like! I mean what does it... (Kermit notices the blank look on Fozzie’s face.) Oh never mind.
Skeeter (who is still stately manning his post at the plotting table suddenly sees something though the observation nose. His eyes widen and his mouth drops open.): Captain Kermit! You better come here quick!
Kermit (leaves Fozzie and joins Skeeter): What is it Skeeter?
Skeeter (pointing): Look at that!
(At the windows a large form appears. It is a head with large bulging eyes and stringy red hair. The face peers through the window with wonderment at the crew.)
Fozzie: What is it Kermit?
Kermit: It’s...it’s a giant Animal! (Turning to Skeeter) All back full! Take evasive action!
(From outside the sub Animal’s voice can be heard): Toy Boat. Play! (Animal grabs the sub and begins to toss it back and forth. Inside sparks and Muppets fly about.)
Kermit (screaming): Quick, send a charge through the hull. Send a charge through the hull! (Suddenly there is a bright light and the sound of static. The sub stops rocking.)
Animal (releasing the sub): Ouch! Bad boat! (Animal turns and swims away)
Kermit (picking himself off the floor): Skeeter, get me a damage report.
Skeeter (who staggers as he tries to stand): I bumped my head.
Kermit: Not you. I meant a damage report on the boat!
Skeeter: Oh yeah, right. (Skeeter turns and leaves.)
Kermit (Looking around control room): Anyone else hurt?
Fozzie (Rubbing his arm): I think I hurt my arm.
Kermit (Picking up mike): Sickbay, this is the Control Room. Get someone down here on the double!
(Suddenly Rowlf appears in green surgery garb.) : Someone called for a doctor?
Kermit: Would you take a look at Fozzie, Doc? He’s hurt his arm.
(Rowlf begins to examine Fozzie's arm)
Rowlf: Does this tickle?
Fozzie: No.
Rowlf: Ok, let‘s try this. Do you know why ambassadors never get sick?
Fozzie: No.
Rowlf: Because they have diplomatic immunity! (The crew laughs, except for Fozzie.)
Fozzie: Ah... I don’t get it.
Rowlf: How about this? Why can‘t doctors have a temper?
Fozzie: Why?
Rowlf: Because they might loose their patients! (Very loud moan from everyone in the Control Room except for Fozzie.) Didn’t you think that was funny?
Fozzie: Nope, not a bit.
Rowlf: This is serious. I think you have fractured you funny bone. I’m afraid you won’t be able to tell any jokes for two weeks. (A small cheer goes up from the back of the control room).
Fozzie: But I will be back to normal after it heals?
Rizzo: That is a matter of opinion. Define normal.
Fozzie: I heard that!
Rizzo: Whatever.
Rowlf: You better come with me to sickbay. Corpsmen, bring a stretcher! (Twelve rats wearing white lab coats enter carrying a stretcher. Fozzie lays down on it and the rats begin to carry him out. Skeeter returns.)
Kermit: Give me you report.
Skeeter: There is damage to the engines. It will take a couple of hours to repair.
Kermit: Oh RATS!!
(All of the rats that were carrying Fozzie drop the stretcher and run back to Kermit. Fozzie screams.)
Rats (saluting Kermit): Yes sir?
Kermit: ‘No, no, I didn’t want you. Go take care of Fozzie. (The rats grumble as they return to Fozzie, who is still moaning, and carry him out of the control room.)
(Sam descends the spiral staircase.)
Sam: Captain Kermit. What is going on here?
Kermit: Well sir, we ran into a monster and suffered engine damage. It will take a couple of hours to fix.
Sam: Oh, rats! (Twenty rats dressed in blue and red jumpsuits immediately encircle Sam.)
Rats (saluting Sam): Yes sir! You called sir?
(Sam looks at the rats and then at Kermit.)
Sam: I thought you said this would be a tasteful skit?
Kermit: I’m doing my best.
Sam: Hurry with repairs. We must get to Koosbane as soon as possible.
(Sam turns and ascends the spiral staircase, again. The rats disperse to different stations in the Control Room.)
Kermit: (turning to Skeeter): Skeeter, call the Chief and have him come down here on the double.
Skeeter (picking up mike): Chief to the Control Room on the double!
(From the rear of the Control Room Piggy enters. She is wearing a khaki safari dress, pearl necklace, bracelet and earrings. )
Piggy: Oh Captain Kermie! Did you send for moi?
(Skeeter goes to Kermit’s side and whispers): Piggy can’t be the Chief.
Kermit: Why not?
Skeeter: Because it’s bad luck to have a female on board.
(Piggy stands behind Kermit and Skeeter.)
Piggy (in her gruff voice): You got a problem with that Shorty?
Skeeter: Ah, no sir..I mean ma’mm. (Skeeter quickly scampers away.)
Kermit: Chief Piggy, I need you to get a work detail together and start repairing the sub. We have major engine damage and must get if fixed as soon as possible.
Piggy (smiles and tosses her hair over her shoulder.) You want moi to go fix those dirty, oily engines?
Kermit: Yes.
Piggy: But my dear Cap-e-tan...then I would ruin my new dress. It’s a Gucci Original. Why don’t you get someone else to fix it?
Kermit: Because Piggy, that’s what the Chief is supposed to do.
Piggy (in gruff voice again): Not this Chief!
Kermit (seeing that Piggy means business, swallows hard and turns to Rizzo): Crewman Rizzo. Take your damage control party and fix those engines!
Rizzo: Ok guys. Everyone follow me. We got take up the slack for the pig again!
Piggy: I heard that!
Rizzo: Yeah yeah, whatever! (All of the red and blue suited rats follow Rizzo out of the Control Room.)
Piggy: Now, is there anything else I could do for you, Kermie dear?
Kermit: I suppose washing the observation windows would be out of the question then?
Piggy: (wrinkles nose and growls) Don’t push your luck Frog!
Kermit: Piggy, why don’t you go to the computer and get a read out on our position.
(Kermit watches Piggy go to the computer and begins pushing buttons. He turns, heaves a sigh of relief and returns to the plotting table. Skeeter returns to his side.)
Skeeter (in a hushed voice): Man, did she get out of the wrong side of the sty this morning or what?
(Both Kermit and Skeeter share a muffled laugh together. Piggy is still pushing button but nothing happens. She becomes frustrated and delivers a karate chop to the computer. The computer responds by spewing out paper all over the place. Everyone in the Control room turns to see what all the commotion is about. Piggy tries to stop the paper with her hands without success. She notices that she is now the center of attention. She smiles at the crew and gives a little laugh, tiring to cover up the problem at hand. Finally she gives the computer another karate blow. Paper ceases to fly. The familiar sound of the computer computing is heard and one single piece of paper comes out. Piggy grabs this paper and brings it to Kermit.)
Piggy: I seemed to have had just a teensy weensy problem with the computer, but it’s fixed now. Here is the information you wanted.
Kermit: Thank you Piggy. (Kermit read paper) This is good news. We are almost to Koosbane. Once the engines are fixed we will be there in no time.
Rizzo (enters from back doorway of the Control Room. He slips on some papers and goes towards the front of the ship, landing beside Kermit): The engines are fixed now Captain.
Kermit: Wow. That was fast.
Rizzo (picking himself off the floor and returning to the sonar station): Yeah, you know what they say...never send a pig to do a rat’s job.
(Piggy glares at Rizzo and prepares for a fight when Sam descends the stairs again. Piggy controls her temper for the moment.)
Sam: Captain, what it our status?
Kermit: The engines are fixed and we are about to get underway again. (turning to Skeeter) Resume course, all ahead full.
Skeeter (nods and picks up mike): Resume course. All ahead full. (He goes to the periscopes island, raises the periscope and begins looking through it.)
Kermit (turning attention back to Sam): We should be approaching Koosbane any time now sir.
Sam: That is great news! I think I will just wait here. Chief Piggy, would you mind getting me a cup of coffee?
Piggy (glares slightly at Sam): "Do I look like a waitress?
Kermit: Piggy! He’s the Admiral!
Piggy: Whatever. (Piggy turns, tosses her hair over her shoulder and goes for a hot cup of coffee.)
Skeeter (still at periscope): Captain! I think I see it. Yes...yes! It’s the island of Koosbane. And there is something on the beach. I can’t quit make it out...Wait! Could it be? Yes, it’s the Koosbanian Chicken Dancers! Wow! Would you look at those chicks dance!
Kermit: Rizzo, head up a landing party and bring the dancers back to the sub. (Rizzo leaves and Kermit jumps on the periscope island, pushing Skeeter out of the way. Piggy is returning with the Admiral’s steaming cup of coffee.) Get out of the way Skeeter! Wow. You’re right. Those chickens can dance! Man, you should see this. They are dancing the can-can on the beach. Talk about your hot chicken legs! (Kermit laughs at his own joke not realizing that Piggy has heard his comments. She gets very angry.)
Piggy: Hot Chicken Legs? I’ll give you some hot legs! How ‘bout some hot frog legs! (Piggy takes the steaming cup of coffee and pours it down Kermit's pants. Kermit screams and begins hopping around the Control Room, trying to cool himself off.)
Skeeter: Hey Piggy! You can’t do that! He’s the captain!
Piggy: OH YEAH? Watch this! EEEEYaaa!" (Piggy sends Skeeter flying into the control panel with her patented karate chop. Sparks fly as the muppets do the Seaview rock and roll, except for Piggy, who tosses her hair over her shoulder and calmly leaves the set. Sam, who is also not affected by the rock and roll, just shakes his head.)
Sam: I think I’ll wait in my cabin. I am soooo embarrassed.
(Sam slowly ascends the staircase. The sub finally settles and Muppets pick themselves off the floor.)
Kermit: Skeeter, you better go check for damage again.
Skeeter: Right! (Skeeter leaves room wobbling from side to side)
(Rizzo enters control room with Gonzo. Gonzo is dressed in topcoat and hat and carries a cane.)
Rizzo (looking at mess in the room): Let me guess, the pig strikes again.
(Kermit nods affirmatively.) This is the Koosbanian ambassador.
Kermit: Welcome aboard Ambassador.
Gonzo: I can’t begin to express my gratitude Captain. The citizens of Koosbane can now rest at ease knowing that their treasured Chicken Dancers are safe and sound.
Kermit: I’m glad we could help sir.
Skeeter (runs to Kermit and tugs on his arm) Kermit, Kermit!
Kermit: Not now Skeeter! Can’t you see I’m talking to the Ambassador?
Skeeter: But Kermit, we’ve got a big problem.
Kermit (sighs): Now what?
Skeeter: Well, it’s Cookie, I think he’s.....
(At this point three panic-stricken chickens run into the control room and hide behind Kermit and Skeeter. Cookie (the Swedish Chef) enters the room, butcher knife behind back.)
Chef: Heer birdy, birdy. I vant you to come vor supper. Heer chicky.
(The Chickens run for their lives. They run towards the radio shack and begin circling the control room. The Chef chases after them, cleaver in hand. Gonzo’s eyes bug out, more than normal, and chases after the Chef. Kermit and Skeeter bring up the rear. Each time around they slip and fall in the pile of papers left by Piggy.)
Gonzo: Don’t you hurt my Carmella! Stay away from those chickens! I‘m coming Carmella! I‘m coming!
(Sam begins to come down the staircase. Hearing the commotion below him, he stops and looks at the room below. Shaking his head, he turns around and goes back up the stairs. The curtain falls to the sound screaming and clucking.)