Black Adder II, Episode 4
Money
[In Edmund's bedroom, Edmund is asleep. Beside his head is a pair of feet.
The owner of the feet is named Mollie.] [knock at door] Edmund: Go away.
Baldrick: (standing at open doorway) My Lord, there is someone at the door
to see you. Edmund: (wearily) Oh god. What time is it? Baldrick: Four o'clock.
Edmund: Baldrick, I've told you before: you mustn't let me sleep all day;
this woman charges by the hour. Baldrick: No, My Lord, it's four o'clock
in the morning. Edmund: Someone wants to see me at four in the morning?
What is he, a giant lark? Baldrick: No, he's a priest. Edmund: Tell him
I'm jewish. Mollie: (pushing herself out from beneath the covers at the
foot of the bed) Aren't you going to introduce me, then? Edmund: What?
Mollie: Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? Edmund: Oh very
well, but I think you're making a terrible mistake. Baldrick, I'm delighted
to introduce you to ... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name. Mollie: Mollie!
Edmund: Of course, Mollie. Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.
Mollie: I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick. Most girls
would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants to
do. Edmund: Alright, alright. Baldrick, this is Mollie, an inexpensive
prostitute. Mollie, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now let me get
some sleep. Baldrick: Well, what about this priest? Edmund: Tell him to
take his sacred backside out of here, and what's more, if he comes begging
again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who
drowns babies at their christening and eats them in the vestry afterwards.
Baldrick: Yes, My Lord. Mollie: (sweetly) Bye, Baldrick! Baldrick: (just
as so) Bye bye, Mollie! Edmund: Get out; go on! (Baldrick leaves) You're
a one, aren't you? When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings
like "Goodness me, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just
hoved into view between the sheets," you don't say a word, but enter the
Creature From The Black Latrine and you won't stop jabbering. Mollie: He
was treating me like a human being. Edmund: Look, if I had wanted a lecture
on the rights of Man, I would have gone to bed with Martin Luther. [Baldrick
flies through the door, literally, and remains lying on the floor with
door fragments.] Edmund: (he had just put his head down, and remains so
with his eyes closed) Yes, what is it, Baldrick? Baldrick: It's that priest.
He says he still wants to see you. Edmund: And did you mention the baby-eating
Bishop of Bath and Wells? Baldrick: I did, My Lord. Edmund: And what did
he say? Bishop: (enters; shouts) He said, "I *am* the baby-eating Bishop
of Bath and Wells!" Edmund: (sits up with a start) Good lord! Bishop: You
haven't any children, have you, Blackadder. Edmund: No, no, I'm not married.
Bishop: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business.
Do you know what day it is today? Edmund: Er... Bishop: It was exactly
one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod --
"Banking with a smile and a stab" -- of which I am the assistant manager,
lent you one thousand pounds. (kneels down to be face-to-face with Edmund,
who begins cowering) Our motto is "Repayment or Revenge." Edmund: Of course,
and naturally I'd have paid you back, but -- and this is the real bugger
-- I've gone and lost my wallet. Has that ever happened to you? Disasterous!
It had all my things in it: all those little notes saying "Forget ye not"
and, of course, all my money! Bishop: That's no concern of mine. The debt
is now due. Failure to pay back a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we
HATE SIN! [Bishop lifts up the sheets, revealing that Edmund -- dressed
in a brief black loincloth -- is in bed with Mollie.] Edmund: Ah. Erm,
Your Grace, may introduce my mother ... Mother, this is-- Bishop: (recognises
Mollie) Good morning, my dear! (sits on the bed) I hope you haven't forgotten
our appointment. Mollie: (sweetly) Of course not, Pumpy! Bishop: You know,
I have a mind, my pretty, to play "Nuns and Novices," so don't forget your
wimple. Mollie: OK! Bishop: (to Edmund) And, as for you, you come with
me. Edmund: (stands) Where? Bishop: To visit the last poor fool who (draws
his sword) LOST HIS WALLET! (hits Edmund's bare buttocks with sword; Edmund
runs out) [at graveyard; a mad beggar is dancing around (the same one whom
Edmund chases in the final credits of each episode).] Edmund: (reading
over a tombstone) "William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood with the love
of Christ; died 1563 in ... agony with a spike up his bottom." Beggar:
(comes behind Edmund) Ah! 'Tis ever (in sown uncle?) with the Black Monks!
(fondles the tombstone) Oh! Screamed, did he -- scream and gurgle as they
skewered his catflap for once of a farthing! Bishop: I think you get my
message. Edmund: (stands; the beggar grabs onto his leg; he tries to shake
him off as he speaks) Erm, yes, yes indeed. But, tell me, Bishop, let me
just test the water here, so to speak. Erm, supposing I was to say to you
something like, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she'd be
very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so why don't
we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?" Bishop: I would say, firstly, "The Queen
would not believe you," and, secondly, (draws a hot poker) "You'll regret
calling me `Fatso', later today!" Edmund: Ah. Bishop: I will have my money
by Evensong tonight or ... YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!
(exits) Beggar: (letting go of Edmund's leg finally, stands) Oh! Poor Tom's
cold! Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he does shiver, and HE'S
MAD! (waving his arms quite dramatically) Edmund: Oh shut up! (pushes the
beggar into an open grave) (at Edmund's home) Edmund: So, lads, I'm up
a certain creek without a certain instrument. Either I raise a thousand
pounds by this evening, or I get murdered. What should I do? Baldrick:
It's obvious. Edmund: What? Baldrick: You'll have to get murdered. You'll
never raise that sort of money. Percy: (looks up from his book, waves his
handkerchief about, chuckling) Oh, come now, Baldrick. A piffling thousand?
Pay the fellow, Edmund, and damn his impudence. Edmund: I haven't got a
thousand, dunghead! I've got 85 quid in the whole world! (holds up a small
bag) Percy: But you're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you
are. Edmund: Ah, a cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to
improve my standing, unfortunately. Percy: (stands) What, do you mean you've
been ... fibbing? Edmund: (sits in chair by the door) Yep. My whole life
has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself one of England's finest
liars. (looks out the door) Oh, my god, Percy! A giant hummingbird is about
to eat your hat and cloak! Percy: Oh no! (runs out) Edmund: (to Baldrick)
You see? I'm terrific at it. Percy: (comes back) It seems to have gone
now. Well, couldn't you just dip into the family fortune? Edmund: There
isn't one. My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics.
At the end, he was eking out of a living doing humourous impressions of
Anne of Cleeves. Percy: (sympathetic) Oh, Edmund, I am sorry -- I had no
idea. But do not despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested
from my weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky
haps, it is just over a thousand, methinks, and has for years has been
hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock... Edmund and Percy:
...under the squeaky floorboard... Baldrick, Edmund and Percy: ...behind
the kitchen dresser. Percy: (smiles, slightly warily) You've seen it! Edmund:
Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And same goes for the two farthings Baldrick
thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato. Baldrick: Oh, bloody
hell! Percy: Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon
the carpet (sits on the floor) and tell sad stories. Edmund: Certainly
not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about. Baldrick:
You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom. Edmund: Well,
exactly. (sits at his desk) But still, I've got 85 quid and that's a start.
I'm sure I'll think of something, as long as I'm not disturbed. [a messenger
enters] Messenger: My Lord, the Queen dost demand your urget presence on
pain of death. Edmund: Oh god! The path of my life is strewn with cowpats
from the Devil's own Satanic herd! [Edmund walks briskly up the hall and
enters court.] Edmund: Madam, you sent for me... Queen: (playing chess
with Melchett) Did I? I don't remember. What a naughty scatterbrain I am!
(makes a move on the chess board) Zap! (takes off one of Melchett's pieces)
Edmund: Well, perhaps, Ma'am, if I might be allowed to withdraw, I have
one or two tiny matters to attend to. Queen: Certainly. [Edmund bows, turns,
and opens the doors. Melchett, Queen and Nursie break into laughter. Edmund
turns back.] Queen: That was a terrific joke, wasn't it? Melchett: Oh,
magnificent! Nursie: And so naughty! Edmund: What, My Lady? Queen: I do
know why I wanted to see you, and I just pretended I didn't, and I fooled
you. And it worked brilliantly, didn't it! Edmund: It was terrific, Madam.
I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split. So why
*did* you want to see me? Queen: To crack the lovely joke. Melchett: Or
perhaps, Blackadder, you don't think the Queen's jokes are funny enough
for you to be troubled with. Edmund: Au contraire. I'm ecstatic about the
whole incident. I only didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid if I
did, my head would've fallen off. Queen: If you don't start soon, your
head *will* fall off! (all laugh) Now pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run
along. [Melchett, sitting on the floor, his back to Edmund, holds out his
hand.] Edmund: 85 pounds? Queen: We had a bet. I said that you wouldn't
fall for my trick, and Melchy said you would because I'm so super and you're
so stupid. So you owe him 85 pounds. Edmund: Fine, fine. I mean, it's only
money, isn't it! (gives it to Melchett) [Edmund's house, in hallway. Baldrick
is sweeping the floor. Edmund enters.] Edmund: I can *not* believe it!
She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to Richmond to play about the
weakest practical joke since Cardinal Woolsey got his knob out at Hampton
Court and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door. [Baldrick
giggles] Edmund: Oh, shut up, Baldrick -- you'd laugh at a Shakespeare
comedy. Percy: (rushes out of the living room) Edmund, oh Edmund, I've
awaited your return! (hugs him) Edmund: And thank God you did, for I was
just thinking, "My god! I die in 12 hours. What I really need now is a
hug from a complete prat!" (enters the living room) Percy: But fear not,
for I have a plan to save the life of my dear dear friend. Edmund: Look,
I'm not interested in your bloody friends! What about me? Percy: (giggles)
Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one. Edmund: Oh, alright, then. (sits) What's
your big plan, blockhead? Percy: I intend to discover, this very afternoon,
the secret of alchemy -- the hidden art of turning base things into gold.
Edmund: I see, and the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent
people since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits at all. Percy:
Oh no; I like a challenge! (exits, as Baldrick pours a drink) Edmund: Well,
Balders, I lost the 85 quid. The grave opens up before me like a ... big
hole in the ground. Baldrick: (gives the cup to Edmund) Well, I did have
one idea, My Lord, but ... nah, it's stupid, you wouldn't... (turns to
leave) Edmund: What is it? Baldrick: (turns back) Well, I have heard there's
good money to be made down the docks, doing favours for sailors. Edmund:
Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons -- that
kind of thing? Baldrick: Erm, not quite. Edmund: (starts to stand) Baldrick!
Baldrick: My Lord? Edmund: Are you suggesting that I become a rent boy?
Baldrick: Well, good-looking bloke like you, posh accent, nice legs --
you can make a (bomb?). Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and, er,
make the old sign. Edmund: I'd rather die. Baldrick: Oh, fair enough, that's
all right, then. I'll just put the kettle on while we wait, shall I? (turns
to leave) Edmund: (reaches out and grabs Baldrick's shoulder, turning him
round) On second thought, with a slight alteration, your sick and sordid
plan might just work. [at docks, Baldrick is dressed in Edmund's clothes.
His hat has a pink carnation in it, and he holds a sign reading "GET -IT-
HERE." He bounces seductively as a burly sailor named Arthur strides up.]
Arthur: Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny. Edmund: (comes from round
the corner) A penny?! Arthur: Well, alright then -- tuppence! Edmund: Oh,
all right, go on. (disappears behind the corner) Arthur: Nothing fancy.
Just a peck. I miss my mum, you see. When I a little kid, my mother always
used to come up-- Edmund: (appears) Look, get a move on! He's a prostitute,
not an agony aunt! Arthur: Go on, please! Just a little peck on the cheek,
and say, "There there, Arthur -- Mummy'll kiss it better, and you shall
have a story." Edmund: Well, I don't know. Do you do requests, Baldrick?
Baldrick: What, kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game. Arthur: Oh, go on, please!
(crying) I miss my mother so much. I mean, she was like a mother to me!
Edmund: Well, alright, go on, Baldrick. (disappears) Baldrick: (starts
to reach up to Arthur's cheek, but pauses) I've forgotten what I'm supposed
to say. [Arthur cries] Edmund: (appears, fed up) Get out of the way; I'll
do it. (takes the sign) There there, Arthur (*smooch*). Mummy kiss it better,
and you shall have a story. Arthur: (excited) What kind of a story? Edmund:
Well, I don't know ... one about a squirrel, I suppose. [some time later]
Edmund: ...and then Squirry the Squirrel went... Arthur and Baldrick: (everyone
has their arms around each other) ..."Neep neep neep!"... Edmund: ...and
they all went home for tea. Arthur: Ah, thanks very much, me ol' shivering
mateys! That was wonderful. (turns to Edmund) Now then, how much do you
charge for a good hard shag? Edmund: (nervous) A thousand pounds. Arthur:
A thousand pounds? You've got to be joking! Edmund: Well, I'm sure we could
negotiate. (tosses the sign to Baldrick) [Arthur smiles at Baldrick] [back
at Edmund's house] Edmund: Right, so we've got sixpence. Baldrick: Yeah,
now all we need to do, My Lord, is to go down the cockfights and put it
on a bird that's a dead cert but has got odds of forty thousand to one.
Edmund: Know you of such a bird? Baldrick: No. But we could make one. Edmund:
No we couldn't, Baldrick. Oh god, I suppose you have to be told sometime.
Sit down. What happens is: a mummy bird and a daddy bird who love each
other very much get certain urges... Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. What I
mean is: we could get a mad wild killer bull, and disguise it as a bird,
but it'll be such a strange-looking bird that no-one will back it, but
we'll know it's a killer bull so we'll put money on it. Edmund: Only we
will know. Baldrick: Yeah -- if we stick enough feathers on it and hang
an egg between its legs. Edmund: Yes, alright, alright, Baldrick. A chat
with you and somehow death loses its sting. Messenger: (enters) My Lord,
the Queen dost demand your presence on pain of death. Edmund: You're not
making any friends here, you do know that, don't you, messenger! [Edmund
runs up the hall and enters court.] Edmund: Madam, you sent for me again.
Queen: Yes, Edmund. I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played
on you. Edmund: Ah. Queen: It was naughty and bad of me. Nursie: It was,
my little rosebud. If you weren't quite so big, it'd be time for Mr. and
Mrs. Spank to pay a short sharp trip to Bottyland. Queen: Thank you, Nursie.
And thank you, Edmund. Edmund: That's all... Queen: Yes. Thanks for coming.
(extends her hand to him vertically (to shake)) [Edmund quickly turns and
opens the doors; court party cracks up as before.] Queen: That was very
funny too, wasn't it? Edmund: My Lady? Queen: Dragging you all the way
across town again just to say sorry for dragging you all the way across
town the first time! (stops laughing) It was Melchett's idea. I think it's
wonderful, don't you? Edmund: It's fantastic. Melchett, I prostrate myself
at the feet of the world's greatest living comedian. (bows) Queen: Oh,
you are super, Edmund. Oh, Edmund, erm, I promised Lord Melchett that I
would play [Sharp?] Halfpenny with him, but we have no coin. Do you have
a halfpenny? Edmund: Unfortunately, only a sixpence, Ma'am. What a shame!
Queen: Oh, no -- a sixpence will do just as well. (holds out her hand)
Edmund: Oh, good! (hands it over) [back home, Edmund enters the hallway,
which is full of smoke] Edmund: Oh god, this place stinks like a pair of
armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War! Baldrick, have you been
eating dung again? Percy: (rushes out the living room, dirtied) My Lord!
Success! Edmund: What? Percy: (drags Edmund into the living room) After
literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold.
PURE GOLD! Edmund: Are you sure? Percy: Yes, My Lord! Behold! (uncovers
the top; their faces get bathed in green light) Edmund: Percy, it's green.
Percy: That's right, My Lord. Edmund: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic
or anything, but the colour of gold is gold -- that's why it's called gold.
What you have dis- covered, if it has a name, is some green. Percy: (stupefied;
picks up the green) Oh, Edmund, can it be true? that I hold here, in my
mortal hand, a nugget of purest green? Edmund: Indeed you do, Percy, except,
of course, it's not only a nugget as it is more of a splat. Percy: Well,
yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows? or dares to dream! Edmund:
So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will.
Percy: Thus so! (whispers) I'm not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
Edmund: Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you,
Percy. Percy: (smiles) Perhaps, My Lord. Edmund: That you, Percy -- Lord
Percy -- are an utter berk! Baldrick! Baldrick: My Lord? Edmund: Pack my
bags; I'm going to sell the house. Baldrick and Percy: (shocked) What?
Edmund: There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place,
I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out.
But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth
into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell
his house. Percy, just go forth into the street. [Later, Edmund shows his
place to a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Pants] Edmund: (coming in) ...and this
is the den. Mrs: (looks around) Ooh, dear. Edmund: But I have to tell you,
Mr. Pants, that I've had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client,
and I think you know me well enough to know that I'm not the sort of man
to ignore a nibble for long. Mrs: I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms,
Timothy. Edmund: Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is what dry rot does. (to Mr.
Pants) Stop me if I'm getting too technical. [Mr. Pants starts to speak,
but is interrupted.] Mrs: And the floor (??) is a little uneven. Edmund:
Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost! Mrs: Strange smell. Edmund: Yes,
that's the servant; he'll be gone. Mr: You've really worked out your banter,
haven't you? Edmund: No, not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous
and it's called `wit'. Mrs: What about the privies? Edmund: When the master
craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage, he said to himself,
"Romeo," -- for 'twas his name -- "Romeo, let's make them functional, and
comfortable." Mr: Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, Dear! Edmund:
I think we understand each other, sir. So it's sold, then. (goes to a pot
and pours into a cup) Drink? Mrs: (insistent for a real answer) What about
the privies? Edmund: (doesn't give away either of the two cups he holds)
Well, what we're talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest
in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter
installation below. Mrs: You mean you crap out of the window. Edmund: Yes!
Mrs: Well! In that case, we'll *definitely* take it! (takes a cup from
Edmund) I can't stand those dirty indoor things. [later, Edmund counts
the money] Edmund: There, that's the lot. He only wanted to pay a thousand,
but I managed to beat him up to eleven hundred. Percy: Oh, Edmund, you
wily old trickster, you! Edmund: Oh, credit where credit's due -- I just
named the price; it was Baldrick who actually beat him up. [Percy nods]
Edmund: Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic? Percy: Ah! 'tis
a brooch, My Lord -- a brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green. Edmund:
It looks like you've sneezed. Percy: It is with trinkets such as this brooch,
and here, a ring, that I intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your
house! Edmund: You think there's a big market for jewelry that looks like
snot, then? Percy: (upset) My Lord! Edmund: The eyes are open, the mouth
moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Perce. Messenger:
(enters) My Lord-- Edmund: Ah, messenger, thank God you came. Percy and
I could not have waited another second without you. [Edmund sprints up
the hall and enters court, where the trio is hunched over a war map] Edmund:
Majesty! Queen: Thank God you've arrived -- terrible news! Edmund: What?
Melchett: The French intend to invade, Blackadder. Edmund: My god! Queen:
So I need some money. [Edmund, fearing the worst, falls down into the throne]
Melchett: Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds towards the upkeep of
the navies. Queen: But we've decided to make you a special case. Edmund:
(sitting up a bit) Oh, thank you, Ma'am! Queen: Melchy here hasn't got
a bean, so we thought, as you're so fabulously wealthy, you could pay for
both! Melchett: It would be awfully sweet of you. Edmund: Yes, well, unfortunately,
Ma'am, I'm in the middle of a cash-flow crisis and I just haven't got any
money on me! Queen: (looking down at him) But, Edmund... Edmund: (realises
that he's in the throne, expecting that this is what she is addressing
him about) Sorry. (stands and moves across to his proper place) Queen:
...what's that in your tights? (points her figurine-moving stick at his
groin) Edmund: Oh, good lord. (he takes out a pouch) Queen: It looks like
... just over a thousand pounds! Edmund: So it is. Queen: I thought you
said you didn't have any. Edmund: Oh, I thought you meant *real* money.
This is just a bit of loose change. I must have left it in my codpiece
when I sent these tights to the laundry. Queen: Gosh, a thousand pounds
just loose in your tights... That *is* flash! OK, hand it over. (he does)
Thanks. 'bye. (turns back to the map, making whistles and `boom' noises
as she plays with the figurines) Edmund: Well, goodbye indeed. (backs out
of the room slowly) 'bye, Ma'am. Goodbye, Melchett. Goodbye, Nursie. Byeee...
(shuts the doors) [Melchett peeks between doors to make sure he's gone;
all crack up once more; Melchett falls to the floor; Nursie claps her hands;
Queen falls onto Melchett; Nursie goes to her knees] Queen: Silly old Edmund!
He was completely fooled! That was a brilliant joke, Melchy! Melchett:
Brilliant, Ma'am! Queen: (serious suddenly) And now I'm going to have you
executed. (stands) Melchett: (stammering) Majesty? Queen: It's for taking
the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly. I'm gonna knock your block
off. Melchett: (begging) But, Majesty, I only intended to please! Oh, please!
I so want to live!!! [Queen slowly breaks into laughter] Nursie: Ooh! (slaps
Queen's hand) Melchett: Ah! (laughs forcedly) [Nursie falls over; Queen
falls onto her] Melchett: (still faking a laugh, but obviously rather frightened
and angry) Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter! [Edmund rushes into
his living room] Edmund: Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going
to have to run away. Baldrick: Why, My Lord? Edmund: To avoid these monks,
of course! Baldrick: No point -- the Black Bank's got branches everywhere.
Edmund: Oh damn! (falls to the floor) If I die, Baldrick, do you think
people would remember me? Baldrick: (stepping over Edmund as he continues
packing) Yeah, of course they would. Edmund: Yes, I suppose so. Baldrick:
Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing,
and saying "Do you remember old Privy-breath?" Edmund: Do people call me
`Privy-breath'? Baldrick: Yeah, the ones who like you. Edmund: Am I then
not popular? Baldrick: Erm, well, put it this way: when people slip in
what dogs have left in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod
on an Edmund." Edmund: (stands) Bloody cheek! I'll show them. Baldrick:
What, have you got a plan, My Lord? Edmund: Yes I have, and it's so cunning
you could brush your teeth with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress,
some oil, an easel, some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute
and the best portrait painter in England. Baldrick: I'll get them right
away, My Lord! (rushes out) [later, enter Baldrick and painter] Baldrick:
My Lord, the most famous painter in England: Mr. Leonardo Acropolis. Edmund:
Right, are you any good? Leonardo: (turns away, speaks in silly Italian
accent) No! I am ... a genius! Edmund: Well, you'd better be, or you're
dead! [Leonardo sticks out his tongue; there's pounding on the front door]
Edmund: Right, in the bedroom, Beardface. Baldrick, get the door. Baldrick:
My Lord. [Baldrick and Leonardo leave; Edmund shuts the door behind them
and then sits down, puts his feet up, and begins reading a book. Baldrick
flies through the door, again quite literally, and lies on the floor with
the shrapnel.] Baldrick: My Lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells. Bishop:
(enters) The time has come, Blackadder! Edmund: Oh, hello, Bish. Bishop:
The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun. Edmund: You
enjoy your work, don't you? Bishop: Bits of it, yeah. Edmund: The violent
bits. Bishop: Yes. (begins massaging Edmund's shoulders) You see, I am
a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal,
vegetable or mineral -- I'll do anything to anything. Edmund: Fine words
for a Bishop. It's nice to hear the Church speaking out for a change on
social issues. Bishop: Have you got the money? Edmund: Nope. Bishop: Good.
I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder. (holds out
the hot poker) IT'S POKER TIME!!! Edmund: Fine. (closes the book and sets
it down, then stands) Are you ever concerned that people might find you
out? Bishop: No. No, no, I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my
flock is concerned my only vice is a little tibble before Evensong. (Baldrick
hands him a drink) Oh, thank you. (drinks) BEND OVER, BLACKADDER! [Edmund
complies] Bishop: THIS IS WHERE YOU GET-- (staggers backward, choking)
DRUGGED BY GOD! Edmund: No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much
the same. [in bedroom; Edmund pulls open a curtain, behind which Bishop
lies in bed] Edmund: Wakey, wakey, Bish. Dear me, you clerics really are
sluggerbeds. Bishop: (groggy) Where am I? I remember...drugged... Edmund:
That's right. Bishop: You should have killed me while you had the chance.
(sits up) You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder! Edmund:
Well, I'm not sure about that. I did wonder, though, what people who saw
this might think. [Baldrick stands nearby, holding a portrait] Bishop:
Heavens above, what creatures from Hell are those? Edmund: They make an
interesting couple, don't they? I think you probably recognise this huge,
sweating mound of blubber here, eh, Fatso? [Bishop charges toward the portrait,
but Edmund pushes him back to the bed] Edmund: There's no point, anyway;
we have the peliminary sketches. We'll soon bang off a couple of copies.
Let's see, one for the Queen, one for the Archbishop, a couple kept aside,
perhaps, to form the basis of an exciting exhibition of a challenging young
artist's work. Bishop: By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into
that position? Edmund: It's beautifully framed, don't you think? which
is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you. Bishop:
You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity!
Have you ever considered a career in the Church? Edmund: No, I could never
get used to the underwear. [Bishop nods in apprehension] Edmund: What I
could use, though, is, let's say eleven hundred pounds to buy back my house,
four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses, ten shillings for the
two doors, and let's say throppence for a celebratory slapper binge at
Mrs. Miggins' pie shop... (last bit said to Baldrick) [Baldrick smiles
and nods] Bishop: Yes, yes, but first, one question: Who is this second
figure? Who could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have gone
lower than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation
just in order to save your filthy life?!!! [From beneath the covers, Percy
wakes and sits up. He is dressed in red leather with chains and assorted
items.] Edmund: Ah, Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath
and Wells. Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, Heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.
Percy: (speaks weakly) Hello. (shakes Bishop's hand) It was lovely working
with you. [As the theme music plays, the bard dances down the path. Edmund
walks a short distance behind, and puts his hands on his hips as he looks
back at the camera. Edmund then walks again toward the bard, who then continues
moving down the path. Edmund motions for him to stop, but he doesn't. Edmund
begins to trot as the bard dances around to behind the fountain. Edmund
begins to jog as the bard dances down the path further. Edmund runs, but
the bard still eludes him as he half dances, half runs down the path, into
the distance.] Edmund Blackadder Take heed the moral of this tale ROWAN
ATKINSON Be not a borrower or lender Lord Percy And if your finances do
fail TIM McINNERNY Make sure your banker's not a bender Baldrick Blackadder,
Blackadder TONY ROBINSON He trusted in the Church Queen Elizabeth I Blackadder,
Blackadder MIRANDA RICHARDSON It left him in the lurch Lord Melchett Blackadder,
Blackadder STEPHEN FRY His life was almost done Nursie Blackadder, Blackadder
PATSY BYRNE Who gives a toss? No-one. Bishop of Bath & Wells RONALD
LACEY Mollie CASSIE STUART Mrs. Pants LESLEY NICOL Arthur the Sailor JOHN
PIERCE JONES Mad Beggar TONY AITKEN Leonardo Acropolis PHILIP POPE Messenger
PIERS IBBOTSON Mr. Pants BARRY CRAINE Music by HOWARD GOODALL Graphic Designer
GRAHAM KERN Properties Buyer MONICA BOGGUST Costume Designer ANNIE HARDINGE
Make-Up Designer VICKY POCOCK Production Assistant AMITA LOCHAB Assistant
Floor Manager SARAH GOWERS Vision Mixer HEATHER GILDER Senior Camerman
JOHN DAILLEY Videotape Editor CHRIS WADSWORTH Studio Lighting DON BABBAGE
Studio Sound NEIL SADWICK Technical Co-Ordinator RAY HIDER Production Manager
PRUE SAENGER Designer ANTONY THORPE Director MANDIE FLETCHER Producer JOHN
LLOYD (C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D. T h e E n d