Black Adder II, Episode 5
Beer
[Edmund's house. Lords Percy Percy and Edmund Blackadder are eating breakfast.]
Percy: I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share
your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin. Edmund: Well, it is
said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company,
so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer
to God. Percy: Yes, I've heard that. Edmund: Personally, however, I like
to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best. Percy: Beshrew
me, Edmund! You're in good fooling this morning. Edmund: Don't say `beshrew
me', Percy -- only stupid actors say `beshrew me'. Percy: Oh, how I would
love to be an actor! I had a great talent for it in my youth -- I was the
man of a thousand faces. Edmund: How'd you come to choose the ugly mug
you've got now, then? [He begins reading a note.] Percy: Hah hah! Tush,
My Lord. Edmund: ...and don't say `tush', either! It's only a short step
from `tush' to `hey nonny nonny'; and then, I'm afraid, I'll shall have
to call the police. [Looks at the note once more.] Well! God pats me on
the head and says, "Good boy, Edmund!" Percy: My Lord...? Edmund: My aunt
and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, the two most fanatical puritans in
England, have invited themselves to dinner here tonight. Percy: But aren't
they the most frightful bores? Edmund: Yep, but they have one great redeeming
feature -- their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and
just as difficult to get your hands on...at least until now, for, tonight,
they wish to discuss my inheritance. [runs his fingers through his hair]
Percy: [stands quickly] Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news! [he holds
out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it] Edmund: [calls] Baldrick!
[Baldrick enters, wearing an apparatus on his head which is dangling a
piece of cheese from the end of his nose. Edmund begins to speak about
something, then notices.] Edmund: [calmly] Why have you got a piece of
cheese tied to the end of your nose? Baldrick: To catch mice, My Lord.
I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in. Edmund:
...and do they? Baldrick: Not yet, My Lord. Edmund: Well, I'm not surprised
-- your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Baldrick. The only sort
of mouse you're going to catch is one without a nose. Baldrick: That's
a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse. Edmund: Any bit of
a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight.
We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk, Balders; and that means no
meat. Baldrick: In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise. Edmund:
and the surprise is...? Baldrick: ...there's nothing else in it except
the turnip. Edmund: So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be...a
turnip. Baldrick: [realisation] Oh yeah... [There is a knock at the door.]
Edmund: Get the door, Baldrick, get the door... [Baldrick leaves.] Percy:
Well, now, if things go as planned tonight, it seems congratulations are
in order... [he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]
Edmund: Nice try, Percy, but forget it -- you're not getting a penny. [he
goes to sit in the chair at the doorway to the room] [A tremendous noise
of wood being bent and broken fills the room. Baldrick enters, carrying
a door.] Edmund: [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised;
speaks calmly] Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you
are about to give phenomenally good. Baldrick: You said, "Get the door."
Edmund: Not good enough. You're fired. Baldrick: But, My Lord, I've been
in your family since 1532! Edmund: So has syphilis. Now get out. Baldrick:
[obscured by laughter], My Lord. [starts to leave but returns] Oh, by the
way: there was a messenger outside when I got the door. He says the Queen
wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick. Edmund: [stands up excited]
Really...! Baldrick: Yeah -- he's at Death's door. Edmund: Well, my faithful
old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him, then! [Scene
changes to a large room. Melchett is lying on a bed with a hand on his
head. Queen Elizabeth is fanning his face with her hand. Nursie pushes
on Melchett's stomach. Edmund enters.] Queen: Edmund! Quick! Quick! Melchett's
dying! We must do something! Edmund: Well, yes, of course... er, some sort
of celebration... But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it, shall
we? Queen: Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working... Nursie: Come
on, little tummy... Queen: [goes across the room, to speak privately with
Edmund] It all started last night at about two o'clock. I was tucked into
bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when I was wakened
by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett. Edmund: [grins at the double
entendre] Well! I never knew he had it in him. Queen: It's true, I promise!
He was banging on the castle gate, falling over, and singing a strange
song about a girl who possessed something called a...dicky-di-do? Edmund:
Oh, yes, it's a lovely old hymn, isn't it... [returns to the bed] Well,
Ma'am, I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett, and, unfortunately,
it isn't fatal. Queen: Well, hurry up and cure the horrible man -- I'm
fed up with him lying there moaning and groaning... Nursie: ...and letting
off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs! One can scarcely...one
can't believe one's tiny nosy! Edmund: The truth is: Lord Melchett just
can't take his ale. Melchett: [sitting up] Madam, I protest! I may be a
little delicate this morning, but what I drank last night would have floored
a rhinocerous! Edmund: ...if it was allergic to lemonade... Melchett: It's
Blackadder here who can't take his ale -- he's famous for it! Edmund: Oh
yeah? Melchett: Yeah! Edmund: Yeah? Melchett: Yeah! Queen: Oh, [???] this
is so exciting -- the boys are getting tough! Melchett: Well, I'm sure
we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of the King of
Austria when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the corridors of
Hampton Court singing, "I'm Merlin, The Happy Pig!" Edmund: So, what did
you have last night, then? a whole half-pint of potato juice? Melchett:
On the contrary! I had two flagons of claret and a double helping of curried
turtle! I can assure you: it's no holds barred with us at the annual communion-wine
tasting. Edmund: Annual! Hah! For me and the wild boys, every night is
drinking night! Melchett: Says who? Edmund: Says me! Melchett: Says you?
Edmund: Yeah! Melchett: [expecting that Edmund is bragging] eeaaaahh...
Edmund: You ought to come around sometime and have a look at the underside
of >my< table! Melchett: Bah... Queen: ...tonight!!! Melchett: [suddenly
in his senses, speaks feebly] Er, tonight? Edmund: [not in his senses]
Yeah! Come on, Melchy -- what are you scared of? Queen: Perhaps you're
right. [in a child's taunt] Perhaps he's a [????]. Melchett: Oh, all right
then -- tonight. I'll be there. Queen: Hurray. and last one under the table
gets...ten thousand florins from the loser. Edmund: [shocked] Ma'am...?
Er... right... Well, I'll get the beer in, then. [bows, puts a thumb to
his nose and wiggles his fingers at Melchett. Leaves] Queen: [Stands at
the door] Nursie... Nursie: Hmm? [goes to speak privately with Queen] Queen:
[whispering] Do you know what I'm going to do? Nursie: What? Queen: I'm
going to go along and find out exactly what happens at these boys' nights.
Nursie: Good idea, poppet. Queen: ...and I'll wear a cloak with a cowl,
so no-one will recognise me. Nursie: Oh, that's another good idea. You're
so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off. Queen:
Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls
off? Nursie: It certainly does. My brother, he had this brilliant idea
of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off... [Scene
changes to Edmund's house. Percy has quill in hand, taking notes for Edmund,
who paces the room.] Edmund: Right, now; the sort of person we're looking
for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year
old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey. Percy: [thinks] Cardinal
Woolsey... [writes] Edmund: [calls] Baldrick! [Baldrick enters, but his
apparatus is dangling a mouse this time.] Baldrick: My Lord...? Edmund:
Why? Baldrick: I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, My Lord. I thought
I'd try cat for variety. Edmund: Good. Well done. and now, returning to
the real world: Do you have a knife? Baldrick: Yeah. Edmund: Good, because
I wish to quickly send off some party invitations, and, to make them look
particularly tough, I wish to write them in blood -- your blood, to be
precise. Baldrick: So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, My
Lord? Edmund: Oh, nothing much -- just a small puddle. Baldrick: Will you
want me to cut anything off? an arm or a leg, for instance? Edmund: Oh,
good lord, no -- a little prick should do. Baldrick: Very well, My Lord;
I am your bondsman and must obey. [sticks his knife down his trousers and
begins sawing] Edmund: For God's sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick
on your finger! Baldrick: [nearly crying] I haven't got one there! Edmund:
Forget it, forget it... [motions for Baldrick to leave] Baldrick: Thank
you, My Lord. [leaves] Edmund: Right, now; Perce... How's this list going?
Percy: Oh, very well indeed. I thought we could invite my girlfriend, Gwendoline...
Edmund: Sorry -- no chicks. Who else? Percy: Well, that's about as far
as I'd got, actually. Edmund: Right. I'll dictate. First: Simon Partridge.
Percy: Oh, not Farter's Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich...! Edmund: Even
he... Percy: But he's a fearful oik! Edmund: Takes one to know one, Perce.
Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle. Percy: Here's-To-The-Health-Of-Cardinal-Chunder
Piddle? Edmund: The very same... and, thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent
Hermit of Lindisfarne. Percy: [holds his nose] Oh, paugh paugh! Edmund:
Right. That should do the trick. Percy: Oh! and, of course, Lord and Lady
Whiteadder, who'll be coming anyway... Edmund: Oh y-- ...oh, no... [Scene
changes to the throne room. Queen is on the throne, Nursie is in her normal
chair to the left (she is knitting), and Edmund is kneeled on one knee
before Queen.] Queen: I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like
trying to get out of it. Edmund: [frantic] Quite the wrong impression,
Ma'am. I just want to make it another night, that's all. Nursie: Certainly
not! Queen: I beg your pardon...? Nursie: Well, it's just one excuse after
another, isn't it? Next thing, he'll be trying to get out of having his
bath altogether. [Edmund is quite confused.] Queen: He isn't talking about
baths, Nursie. Nursie: Well, he should be! How else is he going to keep
clean? Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want his nappy changed! Queen: Lord
Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy. Nursie: Well, in that case, it's even
more important that he has a bath! Queen: [tired of the interruptions]
Oh, shut up, Nursie. [to Edmund] I know why you want to get out of it,
because I remember the last time you had a party -- I found you face-down
in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins. Edmund:
[stands] Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is. Queen: [smiles, a bit
turned on] Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think
about having you executed just to see the expression on your face. [Edmund
grins uneasily.] [Scene changes to the room in Edmund's house to the right
after entering through the main door. Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter.
Baldrick no longer wears his apparatus.] Edmund: Right, now; let's make
sure you've got this. We are having two parties here tonight... Baldrick:
Right. Percy: Right. Edmund: ...and they must be kept completely separate.
Baldrick & Percy: Right. Edmund: Firstly, a total piss-up -- involving
beer throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting -- to be held
here in Baldrick's bedroom. Baldrick: Oh, thank you very much, My Lord!
[Percy pats him on the shoulder in congratulations] [Edmund goes to the
main living room of the house (where the previous house scenes have taken
place).] Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip
eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready? [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]
Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord. Edmund: Then what is so funny? Percy: Well,
My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, >we<
had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as
a thingy! [Percy and Baldrick laugh.] Edmund: [not amused] ...a thingy...
Baldrick: ...a great big thingy! It was terrific. Edmund: Size is no guarantee
of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does
not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this
hilarious item...? Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord. Edmund: Good, because
there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped
turnip. Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. ...but it was jolly funny! [laughs more]
Edmund: Yes, yes, yes... Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord,
because I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip! Edmund: Yes, all
right... Baldrick: I'm quite [?] at parties... Edmund: [not interested]
are you... Baldrick: Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten
the children. Edmund: What fun... Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant
to be having a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and
ten thousand florins are at stake! Baldrick: Oh dear... Edmund: What do
you mean? Baldrick: Well, firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins;
and, thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and start
singing that song about the goblin. Edmund: That's nonsense. ... ... ...
but just in case it's true-- Baldrick: [to Percy] It is true -- I saw it!
Edmund: Yes, all right, all right, it's true, it's true... So, the plan
is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale, you must pass me water in
an ale bottle. Have you got that? Baldrick: Yeah -- when you call for ale,
I pass water. Edmund: Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my
aunt. Percy: [tries to act suave] Ah, I think you can trust me to know
how to handle a woman. Edmund: Oh god... [There is a knock at the door.]
Edmund: Right, here goes... [Edmund goes to the front door. Baldrick brushes
Edmund's clothing for a moment.] Edmund: [motioning for Baldrick to stop]
It's all right... [Baldrick opens the closet door and tosses the brush
in. Edmund opens the front door. Aunt and Uncle's clothing is all white,
with a large cross around the neck, a cross sticking out of each shoulder,
and a white helmet with a cross sticking out the top.] Edmund: Uncle! Aunt!
Greetings! How nice it is to see you. [He leans over and kisses Aunt on
each cheek.] Aunt: [slaps Edmund twice] Wicked child!!! Don't lie! Everyone
hates us, and you know it! Edmund: Oh yes. Er, may I introduce my friend
Lord Percy...? Percy: [suave] Well well well, Eddy! You didn't tell me
you had such a good-looking aunt! [Edmund waves at him to shut up. Aunt
is shocked.] Percy: Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness! I know what I like,
and I like what I see! Aunt: [slaps Percy] Be gone, Satan! [heads to the
main room] Edmund: Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...
Did I say `inheritance'? I meant `journey'. [motions around the table]
If you'd just like to help yourself to a legacy -- er, a chair... Aunt:
`Chair'? You have chairs in your house? Edmund: Oh, yes. Aunt: [slaps him
twice] Wicked child!!! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house,
Nathaniel sits on a spike! Edmund: ...and yourself...? Aunt: I sit on Nathaniel
-- two spikes would be an extravagance. Edmund: Well, quite. Aunt: I will
suffer comfort this once -- we shall just have to stick forks in our legs
between courses. [sits] I trust you remember we eat no meat...? [Uncle,
off-camera, has sat too.] Edmund: Heaven forbid, no! [Goes to sit at the
end of the table; Percy sits at the other end] Here, we feast only on God's
lovely turnip -- mashed. Aunt: [stands suddenly] Mashed?! Edmund: Yes...
Aunt: [slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub
-- for Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to
spoil its sacred shape. Edmund: Ah. Aunt: I shall have my turnip as God
intended. [sits] Edmund: Fine. [calls] Baldrick! [Baldrick enters.] Baldrick:
My Lord...? Edmund: Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please? Baldrick:
Well, we've only got the one that-- Edmund: [Interrupts, wanting to show
authority in front of his servant to Aunt and Uncle] Just do it, thank
you. [Baldrick leaves.] Edmund: [to Uncle] So, Uncle, will you have your
turnip mashed, or as God intended? Aunt: He will not answer you; he has
taken a vow of silence. [Uncle looks quite unhappy] I believe that silence
is golden. [Edmund begins to say something like "Oh, I see" but decides
it's better to be golden. Aunt gives him an approving look.] [Pause] [Edmund,
still not wanting to speak, but also wanting to get to the topic he wants
to talk about, clears his thoat, making the word `inheritance' as he does
so.] [There is a noisy knock on the front door.] Aunt: Edmund! I trust
you have invited no other guests...? Edmund: Oh, certainly not! Aunt: Good
-- for where there are other guests there are people to fornicate with!
Edmund: Well, quite. [More knocking on the front door.] Edmund: I'll just
go and tell them to fornicate off. [motions over to Percy] Lord Percy...
[leaves] Percy: Erm, er, yes, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence...
Now, that's quite an interesting thing... Tell me about it. [In the hall,
Edmund leaves his bedroom wearing a pair of false breasts over his clothing,
then goes to the front door and opens it. Monk, Partridge (holding an ostrich
feather) and Piddle enter, also wearing false breasts over their clothing.
Monk wears a hat with a chicken on it; Partridge wears a hat with a model
of a ship on it, and Piddle wears a hat with bells and something I can't
describe -- like a May pole. They sing.] "Happy Birthday to you! Happy
Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Eddy-baby! Happy Birthday to you!" [In
the main room, Aunt can hear, and doesn't know what to make of it; Percy
is unable to think of an explanation.] Edmund: [loudly so Aunt can hear]
But it's not my birthday, Arch Deacon! [In the main room, Aunt nods and
smiles. Percy is relieved.] [Edmund leads the group into Baldrick's bedroom.]
Edmund: Well, well, get stuck in, boys. Partridge: `Stuck in'! Way-hey!
Get it? Monk: No... [Piddle doesn't, either] Partridge: Well, it sounds
a bit rude, doesn't it! `Stuck >in<'! [The boozers laugh, as there's
a knock at the front door.] Edmund: Er, sorry -- back in a tick. [leaves]
Partridge: Way-hey! `Tick', eh, lads? Now; that sounds a bit rude, doesn't
it... That sounds a bit like `bum'. [They laugh.] [Edmund, in the hallway,
opens the front door. Melchett enters.] Edmund: Ah, Melchett -- late, I
see, to avoid the early drinking. Oh, Melchy, you really are a beginner
-- you're not even wearing a pair of comedy breasts! Melchett: [opens his
coat to reveal gold false breasts] Au contraire, Blackadder... Edmund:
Yes, well, well, let's wait until we get down to the really serious drinking,
shall we? Melchett: [has moved to the door of the main room] In here? Edmund:
Er, no, no, it's this way. [shows Melchett to Baldrick's bedroom] Here
we are. [As they enter, the three boozers are bent over, shaking their
backsides and saying "Whoa!" rising in pitch.] Melchett: Good evening,
er... Edmund: Lads, this is Lord Melchett. [They cheer.] Edmund: Er, give
him a large one, will you? Partridge: `Large one'! Way-hey! Get it? Piddle:
No... Partridge: Yes you do! `Large one'! Sounds a bit rude! Piddle: Oh
yes! `Large one'! [The boozers laugh.] Edmund: You may find the conversation
a bit above your head at first, Melchy, but you'll soon get used to it.
Well, er, [taking a mug and raising it] down the hatch! [The boozers cheer,
as Edmund leaves and tosses the drink in the closet. He goes to the door
of the main room, about to remove the breasts, when there is a rhythmic
knock on the door. In the main room, Percy knocks an answering rhythm on
the table. Edmund opens the front door. Queen is wrapped in a cowled cloak,
and tries to disguise her voice.] Queen: I heard there was a party on.
Edmund: [not knowing who it is] No. Yes, there are two, and you are invited
to neither. [begins to close the door, but Queen speaks] Queen: I'm a friend
of Lord Percy. Edmund: Oh, you must be Gwendoline! You were invited anyway.
Come in, do. Queen: Thank you very much. [enters] Edmund: It's in here...
[opens the closet door, pushes Queen in, closes the closet door and locks
it] [Edmund enters the main room again at last, but has forgotten about
his false breasts.] Edmund: I'm sorry about that. [obscured by laughter]
[sits] Percy: [with his hand over his mouth, tries to warn Edmund] agh...
agh...aaagh! Edmund: [to Uncle] Sorry, he's sick -- leprosy...of the brain.
Aunt: That, or what he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing
a pair of devil's dumplings! Edmund: [looks down at the breasts, double-takes]
Oh my god -- my earmuffs have fallen down! [puts the breasts over his head
so they cover his ears] It's getting, er, would you like a pair? It is
getting rather cold... [??] Aunt: No thank you! Cold is God's way of telling
us to burn more catholics! Edmund: Well, quite -- which reminds me, Aunty--
Aunt: [stands up] Don't call me `Aunty'!!! [slaps him twice] `Aunt' is
a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex, and sex is hardly a fitting
subject for the dinner table. [sits] Edmund: ...or, indeed, any table.
Percy: ...except, perhaps, a table in a brothel. Edmund: [kicks Percy off
his chair] Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have fallen off your chair. [Baldrick
enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped turnip] Edmund:
Now then, what was I saying? [sees the turnip and speaks without a pause]
Oh my god... Baldrick: [to Aunt] Your turnip, My Lady... Aunt: [picks up
the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide] Very good! Very good!
[bites into it, then points it at Uncle, and speaks to him] You know, Nathaniel,
it takes me right back to our wedding night. [Uncle's eyes open wide, in
surprise. Baldrick has left.] Aunt: [to Edmund] We had raw turnips that
night. [Drunken cheering is heard.] Aunt: What was that? Edmund: What was
what? Aunt: That noise. Edmund: Noise? [turns his head and lifts a breast
off an ear] Did you hear a noise, Percy? Percy: No... Edmund: Good. Percy:
...apart from that colossal drunken roar. Edmund: [kicks Percy off his
chair] Oh, >that< noise -- it's the catholics next door, I'm afraid.
Aunt: [stands angrily, makes a very disapproving noise] Edmund: Er, but,
I'll, I'll just go and burn them. Back in a minute. [stands] Percy... [leaves]
[In the hall, Baldrick replaces Edmund's false breasts, and fits a false
nose to Edmund's forehead, then dusts him off a bit. As Edmund goes down
the hall, he hears pounding from inside the closet. He opens the closet
door.] Edmund: Yes? Queen: I'm suffocating! Edmund: [still not knowing
who it is] Well, thank God you knocked. [takes her out of the closet] Come
on, now, now, take a deep breath. [she does] ...and another... [she does]
Better? Queen: Yes. Edmund: Good. [pushes her back into the closet, and
closes the door again] [Back in the main room, Percy still tries to be
good company.] Percy: Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics: they
do have natural rhythm! [Aunt leans toward him menacingly; he leans away]
[In Baldrick's bedroom, Edmund has returned; they're all wearing false
noses on their foreheads now, although Partridge's is coming out the side
of his head.] Melchett: I notice you're not drinking, Blackadder... Edmund:
Oh, don't you worry about me, Melchers -- I'm holding my own here. Partridge:
Way-hey! `Holding my own'! Now, that sounds >incredibly< rude! [The
boozers laugh.] Edmund: Yes, well, I never went to university, of course.
Melchett: [standing] Er, Blackadder, it doesn't explain why you're not
drinking with us. Edmund: Ah yes, no, that's what I actually came to talk
to you about, you see. What do you say about the idea of ten minutes absolute
silence to get some really serious drinking in? [The boozers cheer, then
realise that that's noisy, so they all go `shh!' rather messily.] Edmund:
Yes... I said, "Please give me silence" -- not "drench me with dribble."
Melchett: [hands Edmund a silver goblet] Well, now, here's a nice glass
of cider. Edmund: Oh, only cider? I'm going to go and put some brandy in
it! [The boozers cheer and go `shh!' again, as Edmund leaves.] [Edmund
enters the hallway, briefly opens the closet door and tosses the cider
in. Queen shrieks upon getting wet. Edmund removes his false nose and breasts,
heading for the main room. In Baldrick's bedroom, meanwhile, the boozers
and Melchett are sitting down like in a rowboat. A barrel of something
bursts open. Edmund enters the main room once again.] Edmund: So, how are
we all going, then? Aunt: Not well. Let us discuss your inheritance. Edmund:
[has sat] Ah, yes, good. Erm, a little drink, first? Aunt: [stands] Drink?!
[slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Drink is urine for the last leper in
Hell! Edmund: Oh, no, no -- this is only water. This is a house of simple
purity. [Monk enters, breasts and all, in convulsions. He rushes to the
fireplace and vomits, then turns and begins to leave.] Monk: Great booze-up,
Edmund! [farts, leaves] [pause] Aunt: Do you know that man? Edmund: [looks
behind himself as though he didn't really see] No... Aunt: He called you
`Edmund'... Edmund: Oh, >know< >him<...oh, yes, I do. Aunt: Then
can you explain what he meant by `great booze-up'? Edmund: [thinks ...
... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks
... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks
... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks] Yes, I can... My friend...is...a
missionary...and...on his last visit abroad...brought back with him...the
chief of a famous tribe... >His< name is Great Bu... He's been suffering
from sleeping sickness...and he has obviously just woken...because, as
you heard, "Great Bu's up"... Percy: [almost passing out from holding his
breath] Well done, Edmund... Edmund: ...and I think I'd better just go
and visit him... [stands] Perce, over to you... [leaves] Percy: Yes...
How about some sort of game? Er, how about a couple of frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove?
[he gets frightened at Aunt's reaction, which is not seen on camera] [Edmund
re-enters Baldrick's bedroom. Piddle has a cardinal's hat in his hand (for
the aformentioned Cardinal Chunder routine).] Melchett: [climbing off the
floor] Blackadder! You challenged me to a drinking competition earlier
today, and I haven't seen you touch a drop! Edmund: Nonsense! Melchett:
It's true! You, you twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing. I say you're
a weedy pigeon, and you can call me `Susan' if it isn't so. Edmund: Fine,
all right. [opens the door, calls out] Baldrick, fetch my Incredibly Strong
Ale...! Monk: Good god! Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema...? Edmund: Pah! --
a drink for schoolgirls... Partridge: Surely not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy...?
Edmund: No -- it is Blackadder's Bowel Basher! [Baldrick enters with a
pitcher and glass.] Edmund: ...a brew guaranteed to knock the backside
off a concrete elephant! ...is it not, Baldrick? Baldrick: Nah, it's water.
Melchett: WHAT? [Partridge growls] Edmund: Eh, heh heh... No, but seriously,
Baldrick -- and presuming you wish to see another dawn... Baldrick: You
did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord...? Edmund: [trying to
show off] Yes, that's right. Baldrick: Oh, that's a relief; I thought I'd
made a mistake. Edmund: Ah. [Baldrick begins to pour the water in the glass.
Being a glass and not a metal mug like all the others have, everyone can
see that the liquid is water -- particularly when Baldrick spills some.]
Piddle: [standing, shouts] My god! He's right! It >is< water! [Edmund
kicks Baldrick in the shin.] Monk: Come on, lads -- let's give him a >real<
drink! [he gives a pitcher to Edmund] Edmund: Well, fine... Monk: Bums
up! Partridge: Way-hey! `Bums'! Sounds a bit like `bum', doesn't it? Melchett:
Drink, Blackadder! Drink! [Edmund begins to drink...] [42 Seconds Later]
[In the main room, Percy is hit by Aunt. Edmund enters, with the cardinal
hat on his head and the ostrich feather sticking out of the back of his
tights. His speech is slurred.] Edmund: Percy, I've lost the bet. Aunt:
Edmund! Explain yourself! Edmund: I can't -- not just like that. I'm a
complicated person, you see, Aunty... Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes
I'm nasty -- hee hee! ...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs,
like: "See the little goblin, see his little-- Aunt: I mean explain why
you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are grinning inanely, and [sees
the feather as Edmund turns around and falls to his knees, leaning against
the chair to the side of the door] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking
out of your britches! Edmund: I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm
Cardinal Chunder; I have an ostrich feather up my bottom [Percy nods and
mouths Edmund's words, having heard this before] because Mr Ostrich put
it there to keep in the little pixies -- hah hah! -- and I'm grinning inanely
because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft
husband out of a whopping great inheritance -- hee hee hee hee hee! Aunt:
[shouting] Is that right? May I remind you, cursed creature [raises her
hand to slap him, but he's too far away, so slaps Percy instead], that
your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling. Edmund:
Oh, yes -- damn. Percy, the devil farts in my face once more. Aunt: Not
mentioning farts was also a condition. Edmund: Shove off, you old trout!
Aunt: How dare you speak to my husband like that! [Uncle is surprised at
this remark] Nathaniel, we're leaving! [Uncle stands and walks out.] Aunt:
[turns to Percy] and you... Percy: [frightened] Yes? Aunt: Has anyone ever
told you you're a giggling imbecile? Percy: [as though it goes without
saying] Oh, yes... Aunt: Good. [stands, leaves, slamming the door] Edmund:
Good riddance, you old witch! [There's a knock on the room door.] Edmund:
Whoops -- she's forgotten her broomstick. [The door opens, and Uncle leans
in.] Uncle: Look, er... [checks to see that Aunt doesn't hear him] I just
wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening. Yes, first rate, all round...
[looks toward Percy] ...particularly your jester. [Percy looks behind himself,
confused, trying to find this jester.] Uncle: Oh, and, by the way, I loved
the turnip -- very funny! >Exactly< the same shape...as a thingy! [leaves]
[Aunt enters Baldrick's bedroom by accident.] Aunt: Good god!!! [raises
the large cross that she wears around her neck] Partridge: Well, look who
it is!!! Piddle: Who is it? Partridge: Well, it's a boys' party; she's
a girl, so she must be the stripper! [The boozers and Melchett cheer. Aunt
raises the cross even higher.] [Meanwhile, back in the main room...] Percy:
Oh, no... Don't get too depressed, Edmund... I mean, money isn't everything...
Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely smiles on little babies' faces...
[he tries to make such a smile] Edmund: Be quiet, Percy... [In the hallway,
Uncle opens the closet door, and motions to Aunt.] Uncle: This way! [Aunt
and Uncle enter the closet; Queen comes out. The boozers enter the hallway
from Baldrick's bedroom.] Partridge: Whoa! Another stripper! [Uncle comes
out.] Piddle: ...and a male stripper! [The boozers cheer. Uncle goes back
into the closet.] Monk: [removing Queen's cloak] Oh, yes, this is much
more like it! [There's a pause while they see Queen in her royal dress]
Partridge: ...and she's come dressed as the Queen! Piddle: Oh!! Sex-y!!!
[does a little pelvic dance in front on Queen] Queen: Do you know who I
am! [Edmund comes out from the main room. Percy is behind him.] Edmund:
Yes! >I< know who you are! [Piddle?]: Who? Edmund: You're Merlin, The
Happy Pig!!! [The boozers cheer.] Queen: Wrong, I'm afraid. I >am< the
Queen of England. [Everyone slowly and clumsily (save Percy) falls to their
knees.] Queen: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have
the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant! Partridge: Prove it! Queen:
I certainly will...! [she grabs a mug] First I'm going to have a little
drinky, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you. [drinks]
[Dawn The Next Day] Edmund: [singing] "See the little goblin, see his little
feet / And his little nosy-wose -- isn't the goblin sweet?" [Everyone --
even Uncle, Percy and Baldrick are here -- shouts "Yes!" Some of them aren't
wearing their own hats any more. Percy has Uncle's helmet on, for instance.
Others have hats previously unseen.] Edmund: "See the little goblin-- Queen:
Er, wait a minute... I'm sure there was something very important I had
to do to all of you this morning. [Everyone -- including Queen -- giggles
at the possibilities.] Melchett: I remember something about ten thousand
florins...? was it...? or...? Uncle: I think it was something about an
inheritance. Edmund: Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or
not? [Everyone cheers "Yes!"] Edmund: Right! Well, perhaps this time I
might be allowed to continue, and perhaps finish, with any luck... [Suddenly,
from under Queen's dress, Aunt emerges.] Aunt: `Luck'? Hah hah hah! Way-hey!
Get it? [Everyone says, "No..."] Aunt: Oh, come on! `Luck'! Sounds almost
exactly like `f-- [Ending music and credits. Edmund comes into view with
a stick. He stabs and slashes into the bushes as he walks down the lane,
hoping to hit the balladeer. He goes far beyond the fountain. On the last
line of the theme song, the balladeer is seen close to the camera view,
then goes off-shot again. Edmund sees him, and runs down the lane as fast
as he can, stick raised in the air...] ` ` B l a c k - a d d e r I I '
' Edmund Blackadder Blackadder couldn't hold his beer ROWAN ATKINSON The
art of boozing he'd not mastered And I, your merry balladeer Lord Percy
Am also well and truly plastered TIM McINNERNY Blackadder! Blackadder!
Baldrick A bit like Robin Hood TONY ROBINSON Blackadder! Blackadder! But
nothing like as good Queen Elizabeth I MIRANDA RICHARDSON Blackadd*hic*!
Blackadd*hic*! I thought that he had died Lord Melchett Blackadder! Blackadder!
STEPHEN FRY Our writers must have lied Nursie PATSY BYRNE Lady Whiteadder
MIRIAM MARGOLYES Simon Partridge HUGH LAURIE Geoffrey Piddle ROGER BLAKE
Monk WILLIAM HOOTKINS Lord Whiteadder DANIEL THORNDIKE Music by HOWARD
GOODALL Graphic Designer GRAHAM KERN Properties Buyer MONICA BOGGUST Costume
Designer ANNIE HARDINGE Make-up Designer VICKY POCOCK Production Assistant
AMITA LOCHAB Assistant Floor Manager SARAH GOWERS Vision Mixer HEATHER
GILDER Senior Camerman RON GREEN Videotape Editor CHRIS WADSWORTH Studio
Lighting DON BABBAGE Studio Sound NEIL SADWICK Technical Co-Ordinator RAY
HIDER Production Manager PRUE SAENGER Designer ANTONY THORPE Director MANDIE
FLETCHER Producer JOHN LLOYD (C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D. T h e E n d