Rebecca's Favorite Kramer Quotes
Quotes by Kramer




Listen to: Kramer freak out when Jerry gets engaged.

When Kramer had a "misunderstanding" with a monkey at the zoo.

Kramer wearing boxers.

Kramer in the sauna.

When Kramer thought he saw a Pigman.

Kramer's famous "Yo yo ma"

Part of Kramer's loogie story.

Kramer getting excited about a surgery he's going to watch.

Kramer's appearance is ruined by his smokers' lounge

  • "Jerry stick a fork in me...I'm done."
  • "So I'm filk? Oh momma!"
  • "If you know the movie you want to see dial the first three letters of the title.........you picked.......why don't you just tell me what you want to see?"
  • "I can't get into the zone!"
  • "I told the driver step on it buddy! I've got a toe here!"
  • "I'm like ice buddy. If you get on my bad side; you've got problems!"
  • *honking horn* Hey Mr Double Parker come out and move your car!"
  • "I'm NOT a pimp!"
  • "My face is my livelihood everything I have I owe to this face!"
  • "Jerry turn away......I'm hideous!"
  • "I punched Mickey Mantel in the mouth and it was eating my up inside!"
  • "I love The Drake! I can't wait to meet The Drakette."
  • "I saw a Pigman! Pigman!"
  • "Just because you are a has been doesn't give you the right to make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never was!"
  • "I talk the talk and walk the walk baby!"
  • "You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully!"
  • "I feel completely at peace with the world.....I hate you too!"
  • "I could raise enough money to cure Polio."
  • "You gave a shot at this comedy thing, but it's over, now this Bloomingdales thing could be the next wave."
  • "Hello Mr and Mrs Seineld. I need Jerry's shoe shine kit....he always hides it from me."
  • ""My boys" need a house!"
  • "With boxers I'm flipping and flopping!"
  • "I feel like a naked innocent boy roaming the countryside."
  • "I'm Cosmo Kramer, The Assman."
  • (saying to Jerry) "God knows I don't ask you for much!"
  • "My blood is in you! Just listen to your pulse! *takes Jerry's wrist* Hey buddy..Hey buddy..Hey buddy..Hey buddy...."
  • "This isn't my fault! Your Nana is in trouble because she went around town passing bad checks and pissed off the wrong person!"
  • "I was promised a tote bag and a tote bag I shall have!"
  • "Well I guess I got a little confused!"
  • "I can't chop, I can't dice, I can't MINCE! I obviously have no sense of flavor!"
  • "Newman you magnificent bastard you did it!"
  • "Jerry we lost the fat man and we're back in the league!"
  • "I've got the body of a taut pre-teen Sweedish boy."
  • "I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel fell in some mud ruining my pants! The very pants I was returning."-Kramer "What were you going to wear on the way home?"-Elaine "Elaine were you following the story?"-Kramer
  • "I'm getting to a point in my life where I need more....than a good time!"
  • (giggling) "Those kids with the spray paint! Gotta love 'em!"
  • "I'm making a difference Jerry"-Kramer "Don't doubt that"-Jerry
  • (walks up to Susan) "Hi Lilly"-Kramer "It's Susan"-Susan "I don't think so"-Kramer "I think I know my own name!"-Susan "Well you look like a Lilly"-Kramer
  • "Would you stop it man! You're FREAKING me out!"
  • "That's the way it's going to be."-Jerry "WELL GOD HELP US!"-Kramer
  • "I'm making my special sauce."-Kramer "Are you wearing a shirt?"-Jerry "Yes..."-Kramer "What color is it?"-Jerry ".......damnit!"-Kramer
  • "When there is no work and the people get restless who do you think they come to? EL PRESIDENTE!"
  • "Jerry my rods and cones are all screwed up! That's it I've gotta move in with you Jerry!"
  • "You are a sound sleeper why don't we switch apartments?"-Kramer "Why don't I sleep in the park? Or we could take these walls down and make it an eight room luxary suite?"-Jerry "These are load bearing walls! These walls aren't coming down!"-Kramer
  • "If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back with the red menace!"
  • "I need the chicken Jerry! You can't shut down the chicken place! Kenny never hurt nobody!"
  • "Sounds like they're screwing with your head."-Kramer "Now why would a junior high want to screw with my head?"-Jerry "Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know."-Kramer
  • "I was doing my laps had the pool to myself. Then the water aerobics class started. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine! Then the diving class started and that got a little messy!"
  • "You know what you are? You're an anti-dentite! It starts with a few jokes and slurs "HEY DENTY!" then you will say that dentists should have their own schools!"
  • "Will people use napkins in the year 2000 or is this mouth vaccum thing for real?"
  • "You knew I was having a Millenium party and you just HAD to have yours on the same day!"
  • "My party is coming together! Will be people be able to breathe under water in the year 2000?"-Kramer "Some."-Jerry "I don't want to exclude anybody."-Kramer
  • (putting butter on his face) "Wait a minute I have to ask."-Jerry "I ran out of butter so I am borrowing yours. Anything else Mr Nosey?"-Kramer
  • "I don't wanna go to the circus! I'm afraid of clowns!"
  • "Take a cold shower."-Kramer "Those are for psychotics!"-George "Well I take one!"-Kramer
  • "You shouldn't brush your teeth 24 hours before the dentist."-Kramer "Isn't it you aren't supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery?"-Jerry "No you have to eat! You need your strength!"-Kramer
  • "You drugged a woman just to take advantage of her toy collection? Jerry your personal life is your business but when you are on my set you clean it up mister!"
  • "These eggs are disgusting! This chicken should be ashamed of himself!"
  • "Look at the size of his bird!"-Jerry "Looks like a dog with a glove on its head!"-Kramer
  • "George it's 5:00 in the morning! What's the matter with you?"-Kramer "It's only 4:00"-George
  • "Did the K-Man do it or did the K-Man do it?"
  • "I have airbrushed photos before. You know that picture of me and Gerald Ford? I took it to the photo place and got that Ford right out!"
  • "I've cut slices so thin I couldn't even see them"-Kramer "How did you know you cut a slice?"-Elaine "Well I guess I just assumed..."-Kramer
  • "You can't handle this slicer. You don't even know where the meat goes."-Kramer "Right there"-Elaine "Where do you turn it on?"-Kramer "Right there."-Elaine "But where does the meat go?!"-Kramer
  • "Moles...freckle's ugly cousin."
  • "I've seen moles so big they have their own moles."
  • "Why would I a JULLIARD trained dermatologist tell him to see another doctor?"
  • "Let's face it, without rules there's chaos."
  • "I'm looking right at YOU Big Daddy!"
  • "so what a lot of old men have breasts."-Jerry "No these were real hooters!"-Kramer
  • "If you ever see a proctologist at a party don't walk away! PLANT yourself next to them all night because you will hear the funniest stories you ever heard! No one wants to admit they actually stuck something up there so every story ends with "It was a million to one shot doc...million to one.""
  • "So you're the Assman!"
  • "If I see one piece of dark meat it's your ass mister!"
  • "Who's going to turn down a junior mint? It's chocolate and peppermint...it's delicious!"
  • "I'm out! I'm outta the contest!"
  • "You are as pretty as any woman in New York you just need a nosejob."
  • "He's an innocent primate."-man at zoo "So am I! Do I not have feelings? All you care about is the poor little monkey! The poor little monkey's feelings are hurt!"
  • "I keep seeing that giant red sun in the shape of a CHICKEN!"
  • "It's the 90's! It's Hammer Time!"
  • "Shut up and spread 'em! Make love to the wall you perv!"
  • "Listen for the bell Grossbar for it tolls for thee."
  • "George pick up your knees! You run like a girl!"
  • "Jerry I didn't want you to know I was out of work! It's embarressing!"
  • "The library investigator is named Bookman? That's like an icecream man named Cone!"
  • "These pretzels are making me thirsty!"
  • "Did you hear he is in a coma? He has my vacuum cleaner now my floors are all dirty!"
  • "Having the keys to Jerry's apartment kept me in a fantasy world."
  • "Do you yearn?"-Kramer "Do I yearn?"-George "I sit and yearn."-Kramer
  • *pointing to head* "Up here I'm already gone."
  • "Nothing's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a big rhig."
  • "Kramer dude have you ever killed a man?"-hippie "Do you think these hands have always soaked in Ivory soap?"-Kramer
  • "Yo yo ma!"
  • "I thought you said people dress up at the opera!"-Jerry "People do...I don't."-Kramer
  • "Newman and I are comfortable with our bodies. If somone wants a peek we say "enjoy the show!""
  • "Wallets went out with powdered wigs!"
  • "If you do this I'll give you my Walkman!"-Kramer "It's mine anyway!"-Jerry "Well then you'll get it back! By the way it was broken when I borrowed it."-Kramer
  • "She's lucky I was in a good mood it could have been worse!"
  • "Today is not my birthday!"-Jerry "I beg to differ!"-Kramer
  • "Am I a hipster dufus?"
  • "If the Pigman had a car he would give you a ride!"-Kramer "What if he had a two-seater?"-George "George be realistic here!"-Kramer
  • "The military is creating a whole army of Pigmen to take over!"
  • "The bird was stupid! He shouldn't have eaten the key!"
  • "The apples are small, the oranges are dry, and I don't know what is going on with the papayas!"
  • "May I have one madamm?"-Kramer "Madamm?!"-George "Those are ladies' glasses!"-Kramer
  • "I'm mossy Jerry. My brain is mossy."
  • "You're getting a little heavy. You look like you've gained 5...10 pounds! You're getting a little chunky too buddy!"
  • "It is so tubby!"
  • "I am looser than cream corn."
  • "Adoption leads to serial killing."
  • "Take a look at me! How can you say I'm not Kramer?"
  • "I'm great with sick people. When Bob Sacameno got sick I moved in with him. The doctors were amazed because he recovered in three days!"
  • "Paella is an orgy for the senses!"
  • "You know who you are? You're Even Steven."
  • "So you asked yourself if there is more to life? Let me clue you in on something; there isn't!"
  • "There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man afraid of a woman."
  • "Why are you calling my parents?"-Jerry "If you called more often I wouldn't have to!"-Kramer
  • "Well I've got gonnorhea."
  • "If we are going to switch apartments you have to take some of this stuff out! "This thing is really freaking me out! I keep thinking it's going to come alive and kill me in the middle of the night!"-Jerry "Mr Marbles? He's harmless!"-Kramer
  • "Just because a person's a smoker doesn't mean they're not a human being!"-Kramer "It doesn't?"-Jerry "Sure you can put them in the ash bin of society! You can confine them, you can punish them, but they're not going away Jerry!"-Kramer "Yeah whatever. So how's the smokers' lounge going?"-Jerry "Once they come they keep coming back...it's almost as if they're addicted."-Kramer
  • "You're face looks like an old catcher's mit! You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours! What did you expect?"-Jerry "Cancer, emphysema, birth defects, but nothing like this!"-Kramer
  • "I just took a bath Jerry...a bath. I was sitting in a pool of my own filth and germs. All the micro-organisms were having sex all around me!"
  • "Why didn't you just take your car?"-George "The steering wheel fell off; I don't know where it is."-Kramer
  • "We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey!"
  • "George relax! Just because she looks like Jerry doesn't mean you're in love with him! It doesn't mean that you can have everything you have with Jerry except have sex with him."
  • "Who the Soup Nazi?"-Elaine "He's not a Nazi. He tends to be a little eccentric like I am...most geniuses are."-Kramer
  • "It's funny the bird died. I hid the key in his food dish....what a WEIRD coincedence!"
  • MY FAVORITE KRAMER QUOTE-(when Jerry shaves his whole body) *mimicking Jerry* ""WELL WOMEN DO IT!" I'll tell you what I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just sache your pretty little self around the town square!"
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