Quark

Quark consisted of one half-hour pilot, one one-hour episode, one two-part episode, and five half-hour episodes (total of eight episodes), and has been re-run on HA! and as a comedy special on Comedy Central.

This episode guide is originally from Epi-Log issue #7, June 1991. Any additions or corrections should be mailed to Lisa Jenkins <jenkins@rrnet.com>

Check out The Quark Homepage.

DISCLAIMER

Quark, its characters and situations are copyright 1978 Columbia Pictures Television. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Columbia Pictures Television, David Gerber Productions, Inc. or its employees. The Episode Guide descriptions are copyright 1996 Lisa Jenkins.

CONTENTS

		Series Description
		Technical Credits
		Episode List
		Episode Guide

Series Description

Quark was a short-lived SF parody that aired on NBC. It starred Richard Benjamin as Quark, captain of a United Galactic Sanitation Patrol ship. His cohorts included Gene/Jean, a "transmute" with male and female characteristics; Ficus, a highly-evolved plant man; Andy the android; and Betty and Betty (they constantly bickered over which one was the clone). Supporting characters included Otto Palindrome and The Head (who was just that), both of which were based on Space Station Perma One. The villains were the Gorgons.

Buck Henry created the series, which was largely a spoof of Star Trek (with Star Wars and a few others thrown in). There were eight episodes total; seven half-hours, and one hour-long show.

Though Quark was supposed to stick to his sanitization patrols, he often met adventure with such colorful space denizens as the evil High Gorgon, Zoltar the Magnificent, and Zorgan the Malevolent. A strange mixture of sex, intellectual jokes, and basic slapstick comedy.

Technical Credits

* Listed as Tricia and Cibbie Barnett in the pilot episode.

GUEST STAR	AS:
Alan Caillou	The Head
CO-STARRING	AS:
Bobby Porter	Andy the Robot
UNCREDITED	AS:
[unknown]	Dink
CREATED BY	Buck Henry
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER	David Gerber
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER	Mace Neufeld
PRODUCED BY	Bruce Johnson
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR	Steve Zacharias
EXECUTIVE STORY CONSULTANT	Bruce Johnson
MUSIC BY	Perry Botkin, Jr.
FILMED AT	The Burbank Studios

Episode List

1. Quark (pilot)
2. May the Source Be with You
3. The Old and the Beautiful
4. The Good, the Bad and the Ficus
5. Goodbye, Polumbus
6. All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms (part one)
7. All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms (part two)
8. Vanessa 38-24-36

Episode Guide

Quark (pilot)

WRITTEN BY	Buck Henry
DIRECTED BY	Peter H. Hunt

As an introduction of its premise and the ensemble cast, it is apparent O.B. Mudd is no replacement for the Spock-like character to come on board later in the series. Also hit and miss -- the very long grueling scenes of the galactic Interface and her four arms. This episode parodies Star Trek's "The Immunity Syndrome" with a galaxy-eating enzyme which is only stopped by the antics of the United Galaxy Sanitation Patrol and O.B. Mudd's creation, Andy the Robot.

ALSO STARRING	AS:
Douglas V. Fowley	O.B. Mudd
GUEST STAR	AS:
Misty Rowe	Interface

May the Source Be with You

WRITTEN BY	Steve Zacharias
DIRECTED BY	Hy Averback

In this special one-hour length episode, Perma One is in a state of emergency as Gorgon has created the ultimate weapon to defeat the United Galaxy. However, Quark has what he believes to be the ultimate secret weapon -- the Source. Given to him by Palindrome, Quark holds the fate of the entire galaxy in his hands. Unless Quark believes completely in the Source, he will fail to defeat the Gorgons. Once Quark is blinded by a stray gamma gun blast, the real test of faith begins. If the title isn't enough to give it away that this episode is a parody of Star Wars then the massive Gorgon battle ship in the shape of Darth Vader's helmet should be more than enough to convince you.

Now that O.B. Mudd is gone, it seems Andy cites his creator as Quark himself. Henry Silva of Buck Rogers guest stars.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR APPEARANCE	AS:
Henry Silva	The High Gorgon
CO-STARRING	AS:
Joe Burke	Gorgon Guard II
Cris Capen	Gorgon Guard I
Rick Goldman	Worker One
Vernon E. Rowe	Worker Two
Paul Schumacher	Gorgon Man
Melissa Prophet	Gorgon Woman
Larry French	Gorgon Assistant
Hans Conried	Voice of the Source
UNCREDITED	AS:
[unknown]	Commander Walker
[unknown]	Commander Estrow

The Old and the Beautiful

WRITTEN BY	Bruce Kane
DIRECTED BY	Hy Averback

Expecting his usual garbage assignment, Quark is excited to hear that the Head has given an "extended romantic interlude" with Princess Carna of Kamamor. Troubles ensue when the crew encounters an unexpected space baggy along with a space virus which ages Quark two years every hour, spoofing Star Trek's "The Deadly Years". The Bettys are beside themselves with grief that they might lose their commander, but Quark's mission saves more than just a treaty between Kamamor and the United Galaxy.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR	AS:
Barbaba Rhoades	Princess Carna
CO-STARRING	AS:
Dana House	The Handmaiden
UNCREDITED	AS:
[unknown]	Commander Hailey
[unknown]	Commander Blanc

The Good, the Bad and the Ficus

WRITTEN BY	Stuart Gillard
DIRECTED BY	Hy Averback

On a routine garbage patrol mission, the ship is pulled into a black hole. They survive, but a la Star Trek's "The Enemy Within," the crew is split into their good and evil counterselves. Instead of picking up garbage, the evil crew destroys unsuspecting starships which ignites an all-out war against Quark with shades of the McCarthy Trials. Accepting his anti-self, the good Quark manages to capture the evil crew and trap them back in the black hole. But the evil Quark's last works echo on the telescreen, "Keep your deflectors up, do-gooder! You haven't seen the last of this face!"

SPECIAL GUEST STARS	AS:
Geoffrey Lewis	Admiral Flint
Sean Fallon Walsh	Commander Kroll
Lee Travis	Commander Stark

Goodbye, Polumbus

WRITTEN BY	Bruce Kane
DIRECTED BY	Hy Averback

Quark and crew are sent on a suicidal mission to Polumbus to discover why no one else has returned from Polumbus...alive. Once on the planet, one by one the crew, like Star Trek's crew in "Shore Leave," falls prey to their fantasies as part of a fiendish plot by the dreaded Gorgons to drain the minds of the United Galaxy's most brilliant scientists. Quark sacrifices his dream girl to save the galaxy and the Polumbians -- the Clay People.

GUEST STARS	AS:
Denny Miller	Zoltar the Magnificent
Mindi Miller	Diane / Queen Lestera
Richard Devon	The Captain
Maggie Sullivan	The Teacher
UNCREDITED	AS:
[unknown]	Commander Freddie Estrow
[unknown]	Commander Walker
[unknown]	Woman with the Captain

All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms (part one)

WRITTEN BY	Jonathan Kaufer
DIRECTED BY	Bruce Bilson

On a typical mission to pick up garbage, Quark's crew encounters a Gorgon battle ship which captures them and holds them hostage while the Gorgon leader, Zargon the Malevolent (Wild Wild West's Ross Martin), tries to discover the secret of "it" and where "it" is located. Even Zargon's costume is reminiscent of Flash Gordon, but no one steals the show like special guest star Joan Van Ark as Zargon's daughter Libido who wants Ficus for her own. Their only hope rests on Ficus' ability to pollinate, er, seduce Princess Libido. Although Gene/Jean and Andy escape by disguising themselves as Gordon scientists, the Bettys are held hostage to force Quark to reveal the secret of "it". Quark makes a wild guess that "it" is on Planet Lumbar to save his crew.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR	AS:
Joan Van Ark	Princess Libido
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE	AS:
Ross Martin	Emperor Zargon
CO-STARRING	AS:
Ned York	Bar-Tel
Jerrold Ziman	Professor Dinsmore
Susan Backline	Guard #1
Keigh Atkinson	Guard #2

All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms (part two)

WRITTEN BY	Jonathan Kaufer
DIRECTED BY	Bruce Bilson

A continuation of part one, Ficus sacrifices himself to Princess Libido in order save Quark. However, Quark and the Bettys have already been sent down to the planet to be eatten by a lizard god. Fortunately, they are saved by the Baron of the Forest People. Not only that, but the Baron's people see Quark as "The Stranger" who was meant to defeat the Forest People's oppressors. For a brief time, it seems the legends are coming true, and by wearing "it" Quark has become invincible. However, "it" is just a peice of quartz, but thanks to Ficus, Quark survives.

GUEST STAR	AS:
Bruce M. Fisher	The Baron of the Forest People
SPECIAL GUEST STAR	AS:
Joan Van Ark	Princess Libido
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE	AS:
Ross Martin	Emperor Zargon
CO-STARRING	AS:
Ned York	Bar-Tel
Jerrold Ziman	Professor Dinsmore
Gary Casedollar	Guard #3
Barry Hostetler	Guard #4
Ron Burke	Guard #5

Vanessa 38-24-36

WRITTEN BY	Robert A. Keats
DIRECTED BY	Hy Averback

The United Galaxy celebrates the Number 11 holiday (reminiscent of Christmas), and as his present, Quark is given a new computer for his ship. His present, it turns out, will have complete control of his ship, much like Star Trek's "The Ultimate Computer." Venessa is as mad as HAL 9000 out of 2001: A Space Odyssey, and like the computer in that film, tries to destroy the crew to demonstrate her dominance.

GUEST STAR	AS:
Marianne Bunch	Dr. Cheryl Evans / Voice of Venessa
UNCREDITED	AS:
[unknown]	Commander Estrow
[unknown]	Commander Walker

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