by Judy
Reunion Part 12: "Music Box"
Jax pushed all thoughts of last night's dream out of his mind for the ride home. He was committed to making their last night in Malibu as special as possible; as extraordinary as every other they'd spent together since their reunion at Brenda's cottage. Each new day had been better than the one before, each night teeming with fresh passion and novel ways of expressing it. Jax knew the intensity of their desire would eventually subside and leave them with the easy comfort of an untiring love that would carry them through the rest of their lives. But it was far too soon to think about that eventuality. Yet, even as he focussed on making "magic," he knew Brenda wasn't feeling well and concern clouded his happiness.
Brenda remained stoic but the nagging pain did little for her spirits. She moaned as Jax hit a pothole in the road. He pulled off to the side and came to a stop. He needed to be sure she was all right.
"Brenda, enough is enough. What's wrong? Tell me before I go crazy. Is it the flu? Your appendix? Food poisoning? I can't believe it's from too much champagne. You didn't have that much to drink. Maybe I should take you to the hospital. There's one in Ventura not too far away. I'd rather be safe than sorry." Jax's worry was obvious.
"I'll be okay, Jax. Really," Brenda said in her bravest voice. "I don't want to spoil our last night here. It's probably just an upset stomach or touch of the flu. I don't think it's my appendix, but I don't know. I mostly feel sick to my stomach, but now there's this twisting . . . It's hard to explain. Please, let's just go home. I'm sure I'll feel better after I get some rest. In fact, I'll take a nap while we drive. Then, by the time we get there, I'll be ready for whatever your heart desires." She smiled feebly in an attempt to keep up her courageous facade.
Still not convinced, Jax reluctantly pulled back onto the road. He had put up the car's convertible top so they wouldn't be cold, but Brenda shivered anyway, and he gave her his jacket before they drove off. In less than five minutes she was sound asleep.
Jax's thoughts returned to the man in the restaurant. Though he could hardly recall any details of the colorless figure, there was feeling of familiarity that made Jax uneasy. He tried in vein to place the face, connect it with an event. Eventually, they reached the final stretch of the road that led to their house, nestled among the bluffs and boulders lining the shore. He had mixed feelings about getting home; it felt like the beginning of the end.
Brenda woke up when the car stopped in the driveway. He carried her in and straight to the bedroom. She was hot with fever yet shivering fiercely. Jax asked Anna to bring him some aspirin, and Brenda took it without question. "I'm sorry, Jax," Brenda managed weakly.
"Sorry for what?" Jax almost sounded angry, but his ire was with himself. "It's my fault . . . I was crazy last night . . . It was far too cold at the beach to have . . ." He let the words trail off, unable to bring himself to state what he believed to be so obvious. He blamed himself for Brenda's being sick, for putting his desire before Brenda's safety. The chilling night air . . . the frigid tide that drenched them . . . how could he have ignored the danger? How could he have been so selfish? The overwhelming guilt controlled his thoughts and before he could push them away, he flashed back to other memories of the devastation he'd caused. Brenda's voice brought him back to the present.
"Don't you dare blame yourself," she criticized sharply. "I'm a big girl; I knew what I was doing. And I wouldn't trade one minute of last night for anything." Her voice softened, "So, if you really want to help, just make me some tea and keep me company. Okay?" She patted the spot on the bed next to her. "I'm afraid I'm not going to be much fun, but I'll make it up to you, I promise. See, I told you I didn't know if I could keep up with you . . ." The light in her eyes faded quickly with another wave of pain.
Jax could take no more. "That's it, Brenda," he said gathering her and the huge comforter that covered her. "I'm taking you to the hospital, now. We're too isolated to wait for an ambulance. It'll be quicker if I drive you myself." And with that, he carried her back down the stairs and out to the car. Thanks to Anna's quick thinking, his driver was waiting, the hospital called and put on alert.
********
By the time they arrived, Brenda's pain had worsened. The doctor's obvious
concern sent Jax into further panic. He'd spent far too much time in hospitals
of late. John's heart attack, Robin's pneumonia, Brenda's breakdown and gunshot
wound - those experiences heightened his current fear. He vowed to himself
that he wouldn't let anything happen to her; not after all they had been
through to find their way back . . . But he knew it was beyond his power
and control and he realized again, just how much he loved and needed her.
Just how vulnerable he was . . .
Though the doctors quickly ruled out appendicitis, they couldn't determine if the symptoms were due a bad case of the flu or something more serious. They needed more tests. To Jax the wait was intolerable. Around 10:30 they brought Brenda back to her room. She dozed off leaving him to wait for the results. It was close to midnight when the doctors brought them a tentative diagnosis.
A young woman doctor approached. She smiled at Jax, who was sitting close to Brenda on the side of the bed. He was gently stroking her left hand, mindlessly tracing the shape of a heart across the smooth skin above her knuckles. He gently roused her when the doctor entered.
The smiling physician calmly reached for Brenda's free hand in a gesture of comfort. Brenda immediately stiffened and Jax felt his heart begin to race. "Ms. Barrett, we actually do believe you have the flu. There's been a lot going around. That would account for the nausea and fever. But during one of the tests to rule out appendicitis, we saw something that made us want to investigate a bit further. We wouldn't normally have been so concerned, but this time," she paused, then continued, "I'm glad we were extra careful."
Brenda was holding her breath in fear of the worst. Jax's heart was pounding in his ears. His grip on Brenda's hand had tightened so much that the blood wasn't reaching her fingers; her hand turned white and her fingers tingled. It was the only sense of feeling she would later remember. Her body was numb with terror.
"The twisting feeling you described is unusual," the woman continued. Her voice was calm, but her tone was serious. "We can't be sure, but you may have developed a cyst that is blocking a part of your reproductive system. Is it possible that you could be pregnant?"
Brenda flashed back to the night at the cottage. It had happened so unexpectedly
. . . She looked at Jax who knew what she was thinking without her saying
a word
.
Brenda nodded. "About a week ago? Maybe less." The time frame was muddled
and she tried to process the meaning of the doctor's words.
"That sounds about right," the young woman said cautiously. Her voice trailed off in disbelief as she ever so slightly shook her head. "I'm afraid there could be a problem."
Resolutely, she explained that the tests indicated Brenda was probably experiencing symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy caused by the cyst. They couldn't be sure, but the ultrasound seemed to point in that direction.
Brenda and Jax were shocked - the thought that she was pregnant had never even entered their minds. Their disbelief soon turned to despair when the doctor explained the danger of the situation and what, in all likelihood, would have to be done. Jax tried to comfort Brenda but he found it hard to be brave, himself. The doctor gave them little time to absorb the news before a cadre of people came to take Brenda to the operating room.
From somewhere within Brenda found the strength to stop the orderlies. She turned to Jax, with tears in her eyes and said, "Hold onto this. I love you. I'm so sorry." Into his hand, she placed the ring he'd given her the night before. She pressed her small hands around his big one, closing it tightly around the band, watching as the red heart was absorbed in his trembling fist until it vanished from sight. It reminded her of another time and a tear dropped from her cheek and disappeared into the void between his fingers. She closed her eyes and was gone.
Jax stood there alone. He watched the brigade of nurses and orderlies roll Brenda down the hall to a place beyond his reach. He remembered the night of her breakdown when the doctors wouldn't let him see her. This time was even worse, there were no friends to support them. And for the first time, Jax realized how much Port Charles had become his home. He went to the phone to make some calls: one to his parents, one to Julia, others to Lois and Robin. How he wished they were here with him, now. He tightly clutched the ring in his fist.
********
The procedure went smoothly and the doctor assured them Brenda would be fine
in a few days. They had caught it early - surprisingly early, and were optimistic
there would be no permanent damage. If they hadn't, the results could have
been far worse.
Jax was a constant by Brenda's side throughout her hospital stay. They shared their sadness but there was some pain each faced alone.
Privately, Brenda remembered another time - her fear of being pregnant and
relief when she knew she wasn't. This time was so different and through her
sadness she realized that it was her love for Jax that made the loss so painful.
If she had ever had a doubt about her commitment to him, it was gone forever.
Losing his child was nearly unbearable; losing his love was unthinkable.
Why had it take her so long to recognize it? Was this her punishment for
being so stupid? Why did Jax have to be punished, too?
Why hadn't she been more careful? The thought of getting pregnant had never
entered her mind. They'd been so responsible in the past. This time they'd
thrown all caution to the wind.
Gail Baldwin called to offer support; Brenda was glad for the help. They made an appointment to meet when she and Jax returned to Port Charles. Brenda worried about how they would weather this disappointment. She continued to be as brave as she could in front of Jax. She knew he was also taking it hard.
Jax's sadness was intensified by his unrelenting feelings of guilt. Though Brenda refused to allow him to take responsibility, he wouldn't stop blaming himself. He focussed on the pattern his life was following - his needs, his urgencies continued to hurt the people he loved. Maybe Mac was right - maybe he was too dangerous. He couldn't shake the feelings but he hid them from Brenda.
********
Upon her release, they went back to Malibu for one last night. It was not
the celebration they had hoped it would be.
Anna did her best to make them comfortable. In her motherly way, she took care of the downtrodden couple of whom she was so fond. The air in the house was heavy with sadness. Their private fears forced a wedge between them. Jax did his best to distract Brenda from dwelling on the grief, but it was useless - his own despair was just as great. So they forced themselves to make small talk and ignored the distance they couldn't bridge with their silence.
At sunset, they walked down to the beach and lit a bonfire in the sand. As the sun set over the calming water, the monotonous lapping of the waves helped to wash away some of their anguish. Brenda was still without her engagement ring. Jax had kept it with him, close to him, the entire time she was in the hospital, but now he wanted desperately for her to have it. He needed to be sure that she didn't blame him, that she hadn't changed her mind.
Brenda's pensiveness also centered on the ring and the commitment it symbolized. Jax hadn't mentioned it and she took his silence to mean he was having second thoughts. She'd broken his heart again. Would he ever be able to forgive her? She was too frightened to speak of it; her heart felt close to breaking.
As the sun went down, the wind came up and they left the beach for the heated terrace of the house. Neither was ready to go inside and begin the chore of packing - or face the bedroom where tonight they knew they would not make love.
Finally, Jax could tolerate the silence no longer. Gathering every ounce of courage he had, he knew he needed to face his fears. "Brenda, come sit here with me for awhile. Dinner should be ready soon, but it'll keep. I'm not that hungry . . ." He stopped mid-sentence, remembering how ravenous she'd been the last time they'd eaten by the pool.
They sat on the bench next to the dark, quiet pool. A spot that meant so much to them. Brenda couldn't bring herself to look into the water; fearful she'd see only empty blackness where once there were sparks of fire and colors of passion.
Jax refused to let her drift into that darkness. Knowing how fragile she really was, he held her close to him. To soothe himself, he hungrily took in her scent and the warmth of her skin on his cheek as she rested cautiously against him. He longed for the easy way their bodies had connected whenever she was near, and he drew her to him in an effort to show her just how much he needed her now. Her sigh of relief told him she understood the meaning of his action.
Brenda relaxed, easing her body into Jax's strong embrace, finally allowing herself to be comforted by his presence. The distance their unspoken shames had created crumbled with the strength of the love they shared. Jax could contain his need for her no longer and kissed her with such sweet tenderness that tears flooded her eyes. As they embraced, she could feel his tears merging with hers. All of the fears and sadness she'd been keeping inside broke lose and she cried as though her heart would never be whole again.
Jax held her for what seemed like hours. When her tears would come no more, he took the ring from his pocket and wordlessly slipped it onto her finger. Then he kissed her, again, and they knew it would be all right.
********
They ate their final supper by the side of the pool, staring into the water
until their reflections faded into the night. Though the moon was full, it
was barely visible through the layer of clouds covering the dark marine sky.
In spite of the damp night air, they lingered on the patio, not wanting the
night to be done. Cradled in Jax's loving arms, Brenda had just begun to
drift off to sleep, when a flicker of light in the water startled her and
she reclaimed consciousness. The small gasp that escaped her lips alerted
him and he joined her in viewing the miraculous sight.
The moon had broken free of the clouds and created an image they would remember always. Their bodies, united as one, were barely visible in the darkness of the water. But an unmistakable light shone from within the semblance they formed. While their minds knew it was the reflection of the moon high in the sky overhead, their hearts believed it was the soul of the child they had lost. For a moment it grew brighter, a beacon of light showing them the way, reassuring them that they would have another change to make it right.
********
A gentle rain began to fall, and as they could no longer fight off exhaustion,
Jax led Brenda to the room that forever would be theirs alone. She curled
up in his arms like a child taking refuge from a storm. He held her tightly,
taking equal comfort in the significance of her body entwined with his.
Jax reached over to set the alarm that would wake them in time for their next day's journey. As he was about to turn off the radio and join Brenda in slumber, a gentle tune caught his attention and he drifted to sleep wrapped in the inspiration of its message.
"When I am lost
You shine a light for me and set me free
When I am low
You wash away my tears
And take me through
The loneliness
And emptiness
Through the darkest night
Somehow I survive
Through it all
When you tell me I'm the only one you need
Sweet and tenderly
And your love
Breaks away the clouds surrounding me
All I have I want to give to thee
If I should fall
Your love is strong enough to lift me up
If I'm afraid
You chase away my fears
And take me to
A brighter place
Beyond the rain
And I feel alright
Because you're by my side
Through it all
When you tell me I'm the only one you need
Sweet and tenderly
And your love
Breaks away the clouds surrounding me
All I have I want to give to thee
You take me through
The loneliness and emptiness
And I feel alright
'Cause you're by my side
Through it all
You tell me I'm the only one you need
Sweet and tenderly
And your love
Just breaks away the clouds surrounding me
And baby all I have I want to give to thee
Want to give you all of my love
Now and forever my love
All I have I want to give to thee"*
*"Music Box," Performed and written by Mariah Carey,
Music by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff