by JUDY
Note: I tried to set this to music but no luck. The Celine Dion "Falling Into You" CD was my first choice. So, if you have it, play the first three cuts as you read this. I did. LOL Judy
Brenda stirred, joining the day in her usual, leisurely fashion. She never woke quickly - one of the many things Jax so loved about her. It gave him time to study every detail of her without her knowing, without her becoming self-conscious. He always felt like he could see straight to her soul through her partially closed, nearly transparent eyelids. He sensed her every thought and dream at these moments, sometimes what he saw had been painful, but not today. Not now. She looked serene and happy. It reminded him of their magic night in New Orleans. The night when time stood still and the world was theirs.
But this day, he did not have time to wait for her to become fully conscious. As much as he wanted to drink in the very essence of her being, there was work to be done. He quietly got up and began the preparations.
**********
Brenda continued her journey toward consciousness. She realized the peacefulness she was feeling was not from a dream; the magic had been real. But just as instantly, she knew something was wrong. Jax was not there beside her. She remembered the feel of waking next to Jax; the way their bodies curved together. The way her head rested on the silkiness of his back. How had he put it? She remembered, he could "feel her breath on his back in the morning."
She panicked but tried to steady herself. Had he had second thoughts? Did he regret their making love last night?
"Jax????" she called out cautiously. There was no reply, and at that same moment she realized it was late, much later than it should be. She looked at the small, white alarm clock ticking monotonously on her night table. What time was it? Why hadn't the alarm gone off? Had she forgotten to set it? That she could understand; her thoughts had definitely been elsewhere last night. She smiled faintly at the vision of what had been.
In the ten seconds it had taken to process these thoughts, Jax had silently slipped back into bed - no small feat for a man who is 6 foot 2. She had been so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed that he had taken his place beside her, but she felt his presence there now. The warmth of his skin and the security of his arm as it snaked around her body, drawing her close to him. Tightly he held her as he whispered, "Good morning, sleepy head."
"I thought you were gone," she said quietly, turning toward him, burying her face in his chest. "I was afraid you had changed your mind, were sorry about . . .
"Never," he said before she could finish. He took her chin in his hand, tilting her face upward so he could gaze into her eyes, into her soul. "I have never regretted one moment with you. It isn't possible." Then, to reassure her and satisfy himself, he kissed her hard and long. She melted into him.
Barely breathing she managed to mumble, "It's late, Jax. I have a shoot in an hour. . . " Her voice trailed off. "I love you, but I do have to go to work." Then, more playfully, a smile spreading across her face, "You are NOT a cheap date, you know."
"You don't have to leave yet. The photographer called and left a message on your machine. Something about an unavoidable emergency . . . I hope you don't mind that I checked the messages - I thought it might be Jerry."
Brenda, looking skeptical yet pleasantly relieved, replied, "Of course I don't mind. You didn't somehow cause that little delay, did you?"
"Maybe, " he teased. "Anyway, you aren't due until 1:00 which gives us plenty of time . . .
"I love you. You believe that, don't you?" She said with conviction and she kissed the nape of his neck, running the tip of her tongue along the spot she knew so well. It tasted so very sweet to her.
"Brenda," his tone was serious, again.
Here it comes, she thought, the good-bye. No regrets, but no future. She knew he had not returned her vow of love. She understood. She had hurt him far too much for him to give so much this soon. She could accept that - for now - she would have to prove her love with more than words, more than passion. All she needed was to have him in her life. Last night had been so much more, so much sooner, than she had ever dreamed was possible. Maybe he wanted to slow it down.
"There is something I need to tell you, something serious," he continued.
She could feel her body stiffen at his words, at the tone in his voice. It was a tone she remembered from the night he tried to tell her about Miranda. His reaction was to hold onto her even tighter. She couldn't breathe but wasn't sure if it was from her fear or his hold on her.
"I'm listening," she held her voice steady but she could not bring herself to look at his face, at those eyes that always spoke the truth.
"No more secrets, no more unspoken lies between us," he promised. It's Sonny. Jerry came here last night to warn you that his men spotted Corinthos in Florida. He's on his way back to Port Charles. He's coming for you."
Her trembling was obvious to both of them. Jax said nothing more, but held her as though his heart would break if she moved even a muscle. How could she make him trust in her love? She could not imagine any words that would calm his fears. She knew that nothing Sonny said or did could change the love she knew for Jax. The love that had taken her whole life to understand, to realize, for her to believe she deserved. The love he had allowed her to know. It belonged only to him because only he had given her the strength to feel it. She realized it was Jax who was shaking.
Part 4
Brenda comforted him the only way she knew how. The way a man can understand that the woman who loves him is there for him. A way to ease the pain when words would be meaningless. Because he was so vulnerable to her, so vulnerable to his own guilt and fear, he let her show him.
It was different for both of them this time. Brenda was the giver, Jax the receiver. She realized that their lovemaking had always been so much about him wanting to please her. This time it was about her pleasing him, comforting him, being strong for him. In her giving, she realized how much she had been absent from him all those months they had spent as man and wife. The drugs had done more than eased the pain - they had dulled her ability to feel and to give pleasure, too. It made her sad to realize that there was yet another way she had let him down, hurt him, cheated him.
When they had both been fulfilled, she found herself holding his head to her heart. He could feel it beating and hear her sobbing and he assumed it was because of Sonny.
"I'm sorry, Brenda." he said full of sadness and regret. "This wasn't fair to you. I've put you in the middle again. Asked you to lie with your actions and betray your heart. I should have told you about Sonny before spending the night, before this . . ." His voice trailed off.
"Damn it," he said loudly sitting up next to her, staring straight into her tear filled eyes. I'm not sorry. I don't want to lose this time. I don't want to get hurt. I need you to know that I am willing to risk it all to be with you. Maybe that was my mistake the first time. Maybe I shouldn't have been so damn willing to let you go. I should have told you, then, that I needed you and wanted you, held on to you tighter so you would have known how much you mattered to me. Showed you that I wasn't going to LET you go without a fight. Maybe if I had fought harder and forced you to see how much I needed you . . . maybe you would have chosen me. Maybe I should have hurt you to keep you. I'm sorry, that's a terrible thing to say, to feel. I know that's what I'm doing now. That I'm no better than he is. But I am not letting you go this time, not without a fight."
Brenda was stunned by his words. And touched beyond measure. How could he ever think it had been his fault? Yet, maybe he was right. Maybe it would have made a difference. She had felt so unworthy of his love after the cave. She had been unable to show him how much he meant to her and she knew that by her actions, or lack of them, had hurt him. So, he had cut his losses and let her go. She had let him release her so she wouldn't have to deal with the pain she'd caused. It was she who had taken the coward's way out. And Sonny, he had used her guilt and shame to manipulate her back to him. He always knew just how to take her weak spot and turn it to his own advantage. That was his definition of "love."
Jax got up quickly and started to dress. His back was to her. Now was the time - she had to make him understand that she would not hurt him again.
She gathered every ounce of strength and courage she had - all he had given her over these many months. She had to be strong enough for both of them, now. And she was. She reached out and grabbed his arms to keep him from picking up the shirt he had dropped to the floor the night before. She took it from him with such force that he stopped struggling and sank back to the bed, sitting on the side of it, his head falling into his hands. She knelt on the floor in front of him and cradled his large strong hands in hers. They suddenly looked larger than they ever had before. The pain on his face made her even more determined to take charge - to give back some of the strength he had given her.
Calmly, quietly she gently stroked the tops of his powerful thighs, she could feel his muscles tighten beneath her touch. She didn't flinch from his resistance, but said, "Jax, you know the difference between wanting something and needing it. Now I do, too. All my life I have needed to be wanted by men. Now, I want to be needed by you."
In an instant, the tension went out of his body. He reached down and gently, lovingly drew her to him. She found herself sitting on his knee like a little girl. He was cradling her in his arms, stroking her hair, her face. She looked through his clear blue eyes into his soul and she knew that he understood. They sat there in silence, holding each other. Both felt the power of the connection. Both felt equally strong and equally vulnerable to the other. They had come so far. They knew they still had so much further to go to heal the wounds and become whole, together. There was danger in front of them, but this time, they would be facing it together.