by Judy
Recap of Chapter 4: Brenda had just given Jax her fullest dedication in makig love - this time it had been about his needs. When they finished, Brenda had been resolved to tears knowing how much she had missed, before. Jax misinterpreted her sobs as regret and began to leave. Brenda stopped him, forcefully, and he revealed his true frustration over his "letting" her out of his life to go to Sonny. Brenda knew this was the moment to make him understand.
"Calmly, quietly she gently stroked the tops of his powerful thighs, she could feel his muscles tighten beneath her touch. She didn't flinch from his resistance, but said, "Jax, you know the difference between wanting something and needing it. Now I do, too. All my life I have needed to be wanted by men. Now, I want to be needed by you.""
Chapter 5:
It was getting late and they both knew she would soon have to leave. The quiet that filled the room was disturbed only by the ticking of the alarm clock which served as a constant reminder that their time together was drawing to an end. It didn't matter. They knew they would be together again soon.
They had worked their way to the head of the bed and were nestled among the myriad of pillows that served as their cocoon, shielding them, at least for the moment, from the rest of the world. Brenda was still cuddled against Jax, her head resting on his strong, smooth chest. She had been listening to the beat of his heart. Its steady sound filled her head and soul with the comforting knowledge that he was back in her life. Never could she take that sound for granted.
It was Brenda who broke the silence. "Jax, do you remember the night we got home from our honeymoon, the night I heard about Lilly's death?" She was cautious in broaching the subject. She knew it would stir up as many bad memories as good ones.
"The night you went to see Sonny." It was a statement of fact, not a question nor accusation.
"Yeah, that night," she said, pausing between the affirmation and confirmation, the way she always did when the words were hard to get out.. She was saddened by the realization that she had hurt him so much right from the start. Knowing how he had kept all that pain to himself.
"I'll never forget it," he said. "I held the little yacht in my hands the whole time you were gone, praying it would bring you back to me."
"And it did," she smiled, turning to look up at him.
He returned the smile, but it was faint.
"Do you remember how I told you that what you had done that night took a lot of strength?"
He squeezed her gently and nodded. She could feel his chin resting on the top of her head just the way it had that night and so many times since.
"It killed me to watch you walk away," he said.
"I know," she stated simply, "yet you never let me see how much you hurt. You always tried to protect me . . Usually from myself."
"I was wrong," he said quietly. "You had to feel your pain. By protecting you from it, I kept you from dealing with it. It stayed bottled up inside you until it exploded. I know that, now. I'm sorry I didn't know it then."
"I know you wanted to spare me," she acknowledged, hoping to ease his guilt. "I wasn't strong enough to face it then. You knew that. Thanks to you, I am strong enough now. You taught me, showed me really, how to be strong, how to survive. It wasn't easy . . . and I am an incredibly slow learner," she glanced at his face to show him that she was teasing him, just a little. "But that's not exactly what I meant," she continued.
"What then?" he asked, playing along with her game. He knew exactly where she was leading and he definitely wanted to follow.
"You said, 'There's plenty more where that came from, if you're game.'"
"Are you?" he asked. But he didn't wait for her reply.
The time came for her to leave. It was all too soon, but it was also good
for them to have some time apart, to reflect on the giant strides they had
made toward one another.
"Do you need . . . correction, do you want me to come with you?" Jax asked. "I will if you want me to, you know."
"I would love for you to come, but it isn't necessary. I'll be fine. You must have a lot of work to do. The dock project pretty much consumed you for so long. There must be other things that need your attention, now. And you promised to meet with Jerry, today, right?" She added it as though it were an after thought even though it was foremost on her mind. She was more than a little bit leery of this meeting now that she knew its true significance.
"Yeah, I know. I'm not looking forward to it, though. I'm not sure what to expect. Jerry will keep a lid on things if it gets ugly. I want you to have some protection, Brenda. But only if you want it. I'm certainly not impartial on this subject. I know what I want; you know it, too. But I respect your right to be involved in the decisions that affect you. I need to know what you want from me on this." He could not bring himself to utter Corinthos' name but she knew exactly what he meant.
Brenda realized that, here he was again, treating her as an equal. She also knew this had to be the second most painful thing, regarding her at least, he ever had to face. His ability to let her be her own person in spite of his hatred for Sonny was amazing. It was no wonder she loved and trusted him so much.
"Jax, I appreciate your concern, I really do. I know you hate Sonny," she said it for him to confirm her understanding. "I can't say I don't feel the same way, but he wouldn't hurt me. I hate the idea of a guard. It's one of the reasons I am so glad not to be involved in that life anymore. But," she smiled, looking up at him in the coy little way that made his heart pound, "it is not the main reason." And with that, she gathered her coat and kissed him gently on the mouth, taking care to wipe away any trace of her lipstick. "Can't have you looking like a sissy in front of your business associates," she teased. "How about meeting me after work? We should be done by 5:00. We could meet at the Grille for dinner, or whatever else you'd like."
"Five is good," Jax responded giving her a parting hug. He was already flipping through some documents Jerry had left the night before. "I do have some business to take care of. The Grille is fine as long as we can also have dessert afterwards." He couldn't resist the making sure she knew he still wanted more of her.
"Not a problem!" she tossed back. And with that and a short wave, she was gone, leaving him to imagine the possibilities.
Jax did have work to do, but he had not been totally forthcoming about its
nature. He was not just meeting with Jerry. He didn't trust Corinthos nor
did he totally trust Jerry. He knew Jerry didn't like his relationship with
Brenda. Oh, he was cordial enough in her presence, but he trusted her less
that he let on. Jax knew that no matter how hard he tried, how old he was,
he would always be the "little brother," the "fair-haired boy." He resented
his family's lack of trust in the decisions he made about his personal life.
He doubted that would ever change, however, so he resigned himself to it.
Brenda was not the only one with a family script to overcome.
He had been right to be keeping an eye on Sonny. His own sources had given him the same information Jerry had. He confirmed even more with a few phone calls, now. Sonny was due in Port Charles this evening. He could not resist having someone watch over Brenda. He was glad she wanted to meet for dinner so he could watch over her, himself.
In the back of his mind he acknowledged, at least to himself, that he had chosen this moment to yield to Brenda's relentless pursuit of their reunion for two reasons connected to Sonny's imminent return. First, he knew it was one way he might be close enough to her to protect her. He also knew that he had to take another chance on their relationship. Win or lose, it was now or never. If Sonny returned and Brenda had any reason to doubt his feelings for her, she might be more easily persuaded to run off with that demon. It was one last risk he had to take.
He also knew he was running the risk of losing her trust because he was breaking his word about the guard. None-the-less, he felt it was better to be safe than sorry. Given the chance, he was afraid Corinthos could abduct Brenda. In spite of her vow of hatred toward the man, Jax knew Brenda would go to Sonny if he presented himself. She might do it just to lash out and tell him off - a risky proposition at best. He did not want to think about the other reason. But this time, Jax would be prepared. He was not going to lose her again for lack of making his feelings toward her abundantly clear.
He only made any mistake once.
Jax's meeting with Jerry was nothing less than he'd predicated. Jerry tried,
once again, to convince him to resist Brenda's advances. Jerry wasn't stupid.
He obviously recognized what he had stumbled into last night. Jax stopped
himself before it reached blows. There was no point in alienating Jerry;
he knew he might soon need his brother's help. He cut the meeting short to
check back with his own sources and the guard watching Brenda from a distance.
The man had been instructed to alert Jax immediately if Corinthos made any
attempt to contact her. In his heart as well as in his head, he knew it was
only a matter of time.
Brenda made her way to the photo shoot without incident. She could not resist calling Robin and Lois from her cell phone, however. She was maturing, but she was certainly not above sharing her happiness, and victory, with her friends. She filled them in on the important progress of the night before, but she did not say anything about Sonny. She did not want to worry them.
It was 3:30. Jax rushed to the gym for a quick work out. His stress level
was high and a work out always helped him gain some perspective. He ran into
Robin and they exchanged pleasantries. She was doing better. He didn't tell
her about Sonny. She had been through enough. The guard he'd had watching
her since the incident with Tony was also on alert. Robin didn't mention
her talk with Brenda. The conversation set him back a bit, and by the time
he was leaving the gym it was later than he wanted. He had planned to surprise
Brenda at the shoot location and escort her to dinner, but since he was late,
he would have to make due with meeting her here. Good thing the gym was located
in the hotel.
The shoot, on the other hand, was over earlier than Brenda expected. She found she was happy to have a little bit of time to herself. She decided to ride to the Quartermaine's and surprise Lila and Emily. She had not seen them for quite a while. She knew they would be excited to learn she was seeing Jax, again. Lila had been disappointed when she and Jax had broken off. While always respectful and polite to Sonny, Lila never really approved of him as a lifemate for Brenda.
She drove to the mansion at full speed, not wanting to waste too much time and be late to meet Jax.. She realized she was still driving the car she bought when she and Sonny began their relationship. "It is time to get rid of this," she told herself, sternly.
From the rearview mirror, she noticed the car that was following her in the distance. She gripped the steering wheel more tightly, her palms beginning to sweat. Could it be Sonny? She didn't want to know. She would not let him terrorize her life any more. Could she throw the car off her trail? She floored the accelerator and made a sharp turn down a private drive she knew would take her a back way to the mansion. If the car followed, she'd know it was Sonny.
She panicked, however, and miscalculated the turn. The car ended up in a ditch that ran along the dirt roadway. "Shit," she muttered. She was in trouble and she knew it.
Brenda had no way of knowing that the car following her belonged to the guard Jax had hired, but Sonny did. He was following behind the guard's car and took this opportunity to make his move.
The guard was no match for the mobster's resources. Sonny had three more
cars at his disposal, each driven by one of his soldiers. They easily overtook
the lone man. Before he was completely surrounded, the guard managed to put
a call through to Jax . . . and Jerry. He got Brenda's location off to them,
but it would be tough for them to find this place in the dimming light.
Brenda was scared. She had not felt this threatened since the incident in the cave with Harry. She realized that she was afraid of being with Sonny. She was not worried about slipping back under his power, but of how her anger toward him might make him react. He could never tolerate not getting his way, and this was one time when she knew, no matter what, she would remain steadfast in her dealings with him. She realized she did not want to see him again and now wished she had taken Jax up on his offer of protection. He always did know what she needed.
She tried to call Jax on her cell phone, but the line was busy. She left a message for him and one for Ned. If Ned was home, he could be here in a matter of minutes.
She gasped when she saw Sonny's face. He had aged and looked even harder,
colder than she remembered. His life on the run had not agreed with him.
She showed him no surprise at his being there. He was not taken back by the hatred he saw in her eyes, after all, she didn't know the real reason he left. He was surprised by the fact that she seemed to be expecting him. This momentary edge was all the advantage Brenda needed to compose herself.
"What do you want, Sonny?" her voice was cold and matter-of-fact.
"I need to talk to you, to explain what happened. I know you're angry. It was supposed to be that way. I left to protect you. I never stopped wanting you." He was blunt and to the point. In this way he had changed somewhat. The glimmer in his eyes was still there, but dimmer, duller.
"I don't care . . ." she began. He cut her off.
"Don't say that, Brenda. You don't mean it. I know I hurt you. I had to in order to make it real, to keep you safe. The threat is over and now we can be together. I know you still love me. I can see it in your eyes."
He hadn't changed. It was the same song in a different key. "You're wrong, Sonny. You never knew me. You saw what you wanted to see; you're still doing that. It doesn't matter what you want any more. It's what I want that counts, and I don't want you any more."
Her tone was so cold, so hard that it took Sonny a moment to regroup. He
was a charmer, always had been. And he knew could count on Brenda's need
for approval keep her tied to him. All he had to do was withhold it and she
would come running. It was a game they played. Only now, he was the only
one playing.
He immediately turned on the charm. He would win her back the way he always
did, through her vulnerability. He knew what she'd been through - Jason had
kept him informed. He could use this knowledge as power over her. She'd been
without a man in her bed for a long while, and counted on it to make her
weak. He began to fondle her hair and recount the way her eyes sparkled when
they made love. "They haven't sparkled like that since I left, have they?"
he chided.
His words infuriated her. What a fool she had been. It was so clear to her, now. He had been gone for months and yet he expected her back the moment he snapped his fingers. He hadn't changed except to grow even more arrogant. She hated him intensely. But she needed to keep her wits about her. Sonny was not a man you could slight without repercussions. She wasn't worried for herself, but for Jax. Sonny would not hesitate to kill him in a moment if he knew Jax was standing in the way of what he wanted. But did he know? Jax knew Sonny was coming, clearly Sonny's sources were just as powerful.
Anger and fear are a bad combination. For the first time in months she wished she had a magic pill to make it all go away. She banished the thought. She had to. That kind of thinking had gotten her here in the first place. Now she needed to be strong. "What would Jax do?" she thought to herself.
"Sonny, look," she said quietly, deciding to take a calmer tact with him to catch him off guard, diffuse his anger and buy some time. She was sure that Jax or Ned would find her soon. "Whatever the reason you needed to leave, I am sure it was a good one. We had some great times together, but I needed to move on with my life and I have. You will always be special to me, my first love. But it is time we set each other free. You need a woman like Lilly, someone who doesn't ask questions, who doesn't need answers. That could never be me. I've grown a lot since you left. I had to. I had to grow or die. I didn't want to die. I've made peace with us, Sonny. I know you will do the same."
He was not going to be put off so easily. In his own, broken way, he believed he loved her and she would always love him. His arrogance made him grab for her. He believed she would succumb to the passion that was once theirs.
Unknown to Brenda, Jax had arrived along with Ned. The two met up a mile down the road, found the car and approached on foot. Although there was no love lost between them, their common feelings for Brenda gave them a bond. As they got closer, they could see, but not hear, the interchange between Sonny and Brenda. It frightened them both. Ned restrained Jax from rushing to her. Even in the darkness, Ned could see the pain in Jax's face. He, too, was terrified that Sonny would win Brenda back. The kiss sent them both to the edge of their sanity.
They watched the sordid embrace, Ned straining against Jax's size and strength to keep him from going to her. Whatever happened, Jax knew he had to let it be. If he undermined Brenda now, there was no future for them. He could only hope.
In the quiet of the night, Brenda heard a twig snap in the distance. She knew it was Jax by her willing it to be so, if nothing else. She knew she had to protect him from Sonny's anger. She was fearful that Sonny's men would intervene if they knew Jax was there. She wanted to scream out and tell him to run. But she couldn't. She did muster up every ounce of strength her small body could manage. She slapped Sonny hard. She didn't know if it would do any good or make matters worse. She recognized now, perhaps too late, that what she had always taken in his eyes as passion was nothing less than rage.
Just when she thought she had run out of options, a man stepped out of the darkness. He grabbed Sonny and pointed a gun to his head. In an instant, guns surrounded them. It was Jerry.
Brenda pushed through the crowd of faces and ran toward the sound she knew was Jax. She could see him running hard and fast in her direction. He grabbed her and held her with more strength than all of Jerry's men put together. The tears were streaming down her face, and his. They held onto each other not speaking a word.
In a few moments, Ned joined them, cautiously, not wanting to intrude. Jax found the means to shake his hand - a momentary truce at best, but one centered on the dedication they both felt for her. It was Jerry who provided the biggest surprise. Jax hadn't asked him to come; yet he wasn't surprised to see him.
"Brenda," it was Jerry's voice in the darkness. "Are you alright?" His concern was genuine. "You must've scared the kid to death. Next time, you decide to play rough, let me know first. And for God's sake, do it where a person can find you. I'm getting too old for this out-in-the-woods hero stuff." He gave her a brotherly kiss on the cheek and disappeared into the night his men having taken Sonny away while they spoke.
While they all knew it was not likely to be the end of Sonny's presence in their lives, Brenda was thankful for Jerry's connections. She didn't want to think about what might have been if he hadn't found them. Didn't care what he would do with Sonny. For now, she was just glad that Jerry was who he was. There was nothing more she needed or wanted to know. No questions to be asked or answered. She felt free of Sonny, at last.
Jax refused to let her walk one step of the way to his car. Between Ned and
Jax, the fuss they made was almost unbearable. Ned let them go after she
promised to call him in the morning and reassure him that she was all right.
"I promise," she tossed in his direction, "but not too early."
Only Jax was left.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"What are you apologizing for?" His words were only too familiar.
"For everything and for nothing," she shouted, like the weight of the world had been lifted from her small shoulders. "I never wanted you to see me with him, again. I promised myself that would never happen. I can't do anything right, Jax. Even when I try my best not to, I always seem to end up hurting you. I wanted to run to you; I knew you were there, my guardian angel. Even when I couldn't see you I knew you were there. I didn't want him to hurt you. For the first time, I got to protect you. But I hurt you just the same."
"It doesn't matter," he said holding her close to him. "I love you."