by Joan R.
Brenda slowly rose, but hought better about approaching Jax. Instead she walked to the small dining table, pulled out a chair and sat down. She played absentmindedly with the salt shaker left from breakfast.
"I'm not blaming you Jax. I'm trying to tell you how I thought and felt back
then. The difference now is that when Sonny left me at the altar, I decided
not to run to anyone. I still felt just as alone as the day I left you,even
more so, but I realized through all of it that running to another man wouldn't
solve anything."
"You seemed pretty out of it, Brenda. Everyone was worried about you."
"I know. I needed some time to think. I didn't need to be rescued."
"So, are you saying I charged right in again to take over, without caring
about your feelings ? I can assure that wasn't my intention !" There was
that wall going up again !
"No, no Jax, I'm only saying that you wanted to pick up the pieces for me
and I was finally beginning to understand I had to do that for myself. I
had to accept the conseqences of my choices, not have you smooth them over.
I had walked so willingly into the idea of severing all my ties in Port Charles
to follow Sonny. That's not unlike walking away from marriage with you and
back into Sonny's waiting arms. Life isn't a serious of choices whittled
down to 'If I can't have this...then I'll go do that....'. I had to figure
out what I was really willing to fight for."
She looked to Jax for some reaction. He was still staring out the window,
but seemed to soften his stance. He reached up and leaned on the crossframe
of the window. Brenda decided to continue.
"I think I figured out pretty quickly that I didn't want to fight for Sonny.
Fight with him maybe for leaving me at the church in the most humiliating
way.....but not for him. I was really angry and really hurt. But after
those first couple days, I never thought about trying to find him. He should
have told me he was leaving. You told me why you had to let go...you didn't
ever leave me wondering."
"Brenda, you continued to spiral downhill...it didn't seem on the outside
like you were making these breakthroughs. "
"Well, excuse me for being depressed Jax !" It was Brenda's turn to be
annoyed.
"That's right. You stayed depressed. We were all worried about you."
"I didn't mean to imply these revelations came in giant steps. At first they
were the tiny ones you helped me through, like leaving the bridal suite and
then finding this house. Then I started to celebrate small steps like choosing
a couch or renovating this room. Things that had nothing to do with Sonny.
They didn't have anything to do with you either. I got to ask for your opinion,
not request your permisssion."
"I've never treated you like a little girl who needed to ask my permission.
I've always valued your opinion on just about any subject."
"That's right Jax." Brenda rose and walked up behind Jax. She slid her
arms around his waist and hugged him. "That's why you are a part
of my life now. That's why I want you here. I could've gone to London
with Julia. I'm sure there are a million other places I could have gone to
start over. Lots of places where no one knew me and I could pretend to be
anyone I wanted to be. But I chose to stay here. I'm building my life
here and I want you to be an important part of that life. I hope you want
that, too."
Jax placed his arm over hers and gently stroked her hand. The he slowly
turned around to face her.
"Brenda it was very hard for me to get to the point where I was comfortable
just being your friend. I'm not sure I want to cross that line again. I can't
watch you leave again. I won't."
"You won't have to Jax. I told Sonny goodbye, yesterday, and threw him out
today. I don't know what else I can do to convince you. You told me once
that you were the only man who would ever really make me happy. I know that
for a fact, now. I want to be the only woman who'll ever make you really
happy."
The phone once again intruded. Brenda answered and handed the phone to
Jax. It was his dad. They had new information about the shooting. The pieces
were falling into place.
"I have a few more things to deal with here, Dad, then I'll meet you and
Mum at the penthouse. Send my driver to Brenda's to pick us up. How does
an hour sound ? "
He hung up the phone and turned his attention back to Brenda.
"I have to meet them. Do you want to come along?"
"Of course, Jax." Brenda looked down and realized she was still in her
robe. "Just give me a few minutes to change....I'll be quick !"
She disappeared up the steps, leaving Jax alone with his thoughts. The
last two days were such a blur and fatigue was taking over again. Every instinct
he had was telling him to take Brenda in his arms and tell her they'd work
it all out. How could he promise that now with the events at the docks taking
over. Until they had answers how could he promise forever...he had no idea
how long that would be.
Brenda re-emerged in blue jeans and a black cropped top. She was carring
a silver embossed gift box in her hands. She gently layed it on the coffee
table and began to open it. Jax's curiosity got the best of him and he moved
over to sit beside her. Brenda peeled back each layer of tissue, treating
it as if the slightest touch would tear it. Jax let out a slight sigh when
he saw the contents. It was the satin slip dress that she'd worn during their
wedding on the yacht. The memories came flooding back. He'd never seen her
look more beautiful. Would she ever understand how nervous he had been that
night, how much he wanted everything to be perfect. Brenda unfolded the dress
to reveal another smaller parcel protected by the layers of satin. She quickly
glanced at Jax to note his expression. He softly motioned for her to continue.
As she unfolded this set of tissue Jax saw the rest of her treasure. It was
the stationery on which he'd written out his second wedding vows. Brenda
carefully opened the paper, glanced at the words, then held it to her lips.
Under the two sheets rested her wedding rings, the gold wedding band he gave
her on the yacht and the diamond from Jane. Beside them was the amulet he'd
given to her, first in Malibu and again just before her wedding to Sonny.
It was the only way he knew to offer her protection once she left with Sonny.
Brenda put down the stationery and lifted the amulet, cradling it in her
hands.
"I think it's time this found it's way home to you, Jax. I think you're going
to need it's good luck now as you go about solving the mystery of the events
of the other night. I never want anything bad to happen to you !"
She kissed the amulet and placed it in Jax's hand, closing his fingers
around it.
"Brenda, I meant for you always to have this." Jax looked deeply into
her eyes. He wanted it to provide an unspoken connection between them. She
smiled back at him.
"I've finished my walkabout Jax. I know who I am now and I like her. You're the one who needs it's good luck now. Besides, I know where to find it if I have a rough patch and need to borrow it, right?!"
She thought back to the christmas tree and how Jax hung it as her guardian angel. She was hoping now that it would always stay their guardian angel.
She then reached down and picked up Jane's ring. She had never returned it
because she had never really wanted to let go of her life with Jax. Everytime
she looked at it she remembered his face when he gave it to her, asking her
again to marry him....giving her the milestones all couples treasure. She
hadn't hesitated to give Mike back the ring and bracelet from Sonny. Severing
the ties to Sonny had been painful, but necessary. She needed to grow up
and embrace her whole life...not just live in someone else's. She slowly
began to speak....
"I don't want to keep confusing you Jax, about how I feel and where we stand.
While I was upstairs, I was thinking about everything we've said here today.
If friendship is what you want, I'll have to settle for that, for now. You
told me a year ago that ' if we were ever going to be together in the future,
we both had to choose it freely '. I am choosing freely, but if you need
more time and space to make your choice, I have to accept that. I'd like
you to return this to your Mom, because I know how much it meant to her.
It should stay in your family."
They both looked at each other without speaking. Jax looked from the ring
to Brenda and back to the ring. He too remembered giving it to her. He thought
she would always wear it. He'd thought about it once or twice over the year
she'd been gone...but not for long. He knew she would value it and she had.
He glanced down at the solitary gold band. He thought back to the moment
in the Q's bedroom where they'd removed their wedding bands right before
the ill-fated wedding. He'd promised that he would put it back on her finger
forever. Miranda had prevented that, not Sonny. Sure, Sonny arranged for
her to be there, but the secret had been Jax's. He slipped his hand into
his pocket and retreived the gold ring he had kept in his bureau drawer.
He wasn't sure why he'd pocketed it yesterday after dressing. He'd thought
Brenda might be leaving with Sonny and it would be time to rid himself of
his ties to her. Life sure had a funny way of throwing him curves ! He took
the diamond ring from Brenda's hand and placed it together with his next
to her band on the bed of satin fabric. He leaned over and kissed Brenda
on the cheek.
"I'll take the amulet for now, but I'd like you to take of these." He
gestured toward the rings. "You've given me alot to think about today.
Yesterday, I had every expectation that you'd be gone with Sonny. But, as
usual you keep surprising me. Everytime I think I've got you figured out,
you amaze me once again. Can we take some time to think things out? In the
meantime, I'd like the rings to stay together and I can't think of a better
place." He smiled at Brenda, then tucked the amulet into his pocket. Brenda
nodded in agreement and folded the dress over the rings and vows and replaced
the top of the box. They both stood and hugged.
"I've got to meet my parents at the penthouse. Do you want to put the box
away and we can get going ? ! "
"No, I think you'd better go on ahead. I'm sure your folks would like to see you alone. I'll come over in a little while." Brenda reached down, picked up the box and motioned toward the door.
"Are you sure ? Jax asked. "Your more than welcome to come."
"I know Jax, and I will come... later."
She took his arm in hers and walked him to the door. Jax hesitated as
she opened it. She just leaned up and kissed him goodby and gently pushed
him out. Jax waited on the porch while she shut the door behind him. What
was going on in her mind? He shook off the thought. He was done trying to
read her mind. That was one lesson he'd definitely learned today ! But
still..........oh forget it ! He hurried to the waiting
limo.....................................