by Tyra
Left On The Cutting Room Floor - Episode #5B
Monday - April 13th - Brenda
~ I'm Wishing On A Star ~
The moonlight streamed through the windows casting a multitude of eerie shadows around the room. The last embers in the unattended fireplace dimmed as the door opened with rush of cool night air.
Brenda floats in and leans back against the door, shutting out the cold, both hands filled with a bulky shaped object. She places it on the table and reaches for the switch. The lights glowed bright and the shadows disappeared to reveal a room in total disarray. Brenda's belongings were strewn everywhere!
What a pit! Now that I have a steady income, I really should start using that cleaning service again. Brenda touched the orchid's soft petals and smiled. 'Lady Jane's orchids are like one of her children' That's what Jax had told her tonight! She just had to get him back. She had hit the 'Jaxpot' with John and Lady Jane as in-laws and she so wanted to be a member of their family again.
What a day it had been! She had gone to see Jax, and found John and Lady Jane there, welcoming her with open arms. Surprisingly, Ashley had been there too, but she knew that she was no real threat. The real threat was his reluctance to trust her with his heart.
What a mess she had made of her life. "What a mess I have made of my cottage!", Brenda cries as she focused on the appearance of her living room. The Jacks' were coming over tomorrow and she didn't want them to see her cottage looking like this! Brenda puts her hair up in a ponytail and turns on the TV scanning for a channel to get her jazzed for cleaning. Recognizing the video she had made with Miguel she stops. She laughs aloud at seeing that old video again. Switching off the light to better absorb the sights and sounds passing before her eyes, Brenda was transported back, "I was so confused about myself then. Caught between child, and woman, rushing toward one, reluctant to leave the other behind. With all the fanciful delusions that comes with being a child."
Her idea of love had been warped by her family or lack there of, as a child. She had actually cast Sonny as the prince in her 'Fairy Tale'. The man of her dreams who would give her the love she always hungered for. She had thought earning his love meant that her life had value. But in reality he had been a man, who censored her desire to grow, to learn, to be. Sonny had magnified her feelings of fear, anxiety, suspicion.
Brenda shivered with a sudden chill. She walked over to the fireplace to coax the logs back to a warming flame. As she rose, her eyes rested on the mantelpiece. Her eyes misted with visions of their yacht on their mantelpiece, their home. She distractedly begins to dust, managing only to kick up thoughts, images, of better times. Happier times, when she and Jax had been two souls with one heart, one mind. Even on opposite sides of the world, they had maintained this special bond. When one hurt, the other ached, when one laughed, the other smiled. Could they ever exist in perfect synchronicity again?
While gathering her clothes into a pile, a flash of light at the window draws her attention. A shooting star! A childhood poem comes to mind.......
Star light star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Get the wish I wish tonight
"It's foolish to place your dreams in the hands of the stars..." She sighed.
Why hadn't she recognized the treasure she had in hand, when Jax had given her his heart? Why hadn't she fought to keep it, when Jax had let her go? He had given up on her, on them. Her face clouds over with thoughts of that day, their final hug, their last kiss. Brenda touched her forehead still feeling the gentle pressure of his lips, and the abject misery that had washed throughout her body as he had released her, saying goodbye. She had blown him a kiss in return and had seen him close his eyes, as if to shut her out of his life, out of his heart..... He had decided to end their story, and she had not been strong enough, healthy enough, to fight for a happy ending.
Brenda turns off the TV and walks over to the window seat. She hugged her legs to her body as she gently rocked. As much as she loved this view, it didn't compare with their penthouse window. That was her most favorite place, her sweetest memories.....
~ The feel of being enveloped by Jax's arms as they sat together watching
the setting sun
~ The feel of his fingers massaging her hair as they told each other their
deepest wishes, dreams, fantasies....
~ Jax silhouetted against the backdrop of the city, as he stood there each
morning trying to shake the sleep from his eyes,
~ How she loved the feel of his chin nestling against the top of her head
whenever he blanketed her with his arms.
Jax had always been her champion, her 'Ned Kelly', but he also knew when to let go, to let her fly on her own, to soar. She loved him for that too. Through therapy Brenda had discovered that she liked herself, her life, her choices. Having a man's love was no longer the measure of her self worth. Having said that, loving Jax, enriched her life, added depth and dimension. That was how she knew with all her heart, that she truly loved Jax. She did not need his love, she had chosen to love him. He was the man who filled her with fire.... desire..... to make her own dreams come true. He had always been the better man. Hopefully she had not discovered this too late.....
She had been trying to entrench her way back into his heart again. He seemed to be enjoying their little fencing matches. Two steps forward, one step back. Their repartee had been fast and furious, but she had been making slow and steady progress. They had not really discussed their relationship seriously yet, it never seemed to be the right time. But she would approach him soon, she was gaining confidence that she would regain his trust, and with that, his heart would be hers.
It's getting late, I'll have to get up early tomorrow. It's going to be a busy day! I'll see if I can convince that cleaning service to get here at dawn, I need to order brunch for four from Ruby, I'll have a home full of Jacks', and the next move in our game is mine!
Brenda had become a woman who looked forward to savoring each new day with the knowledge that she had finally taken control of her own life, leaving behind wishes and fantasies for the truly young.
As Brenda rises and heads for the stairs, another star shoot across the glistening night skies.
Star light star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Get the wish I wish tonight
Brenda closes her eyes, and speaks in a low throaty whisper, "I wish.......Jax would entrust his heart to me again. I promise it would be cherished, as the greatest gift ever bestowed. Give me the chance to show him each and every day, that my love is as sure as the sun."
Brenda turned towards the steps leading to her bedroom. Her spirits soaring with the lightness of being, she turns one last time to the window.
Her eyes glittering brightly with renewed hopes and dreams, "Who says growing
up means losing your faith in the magic of stars?.........."