by oceangirl
Hope you find this chapter better then the last. Please let me know what
you think.
I don't know how I am doing unless I get feedback.
**Previously in Starting Over: Jax brought Kayleigh home from the hospital. After lunch Jax walked Kayleigh upstairs and got her shower ready. It was the first time that Kayleigh and Jax both saw the physical results of her attack. Needless to say they were both shocked at the many bruises all over her body.
Kayleigh woke up to find the room dark. She sat up and looked at the clock on her nightstand. 10:02pm, she had been asleep for more then 8 hours. She climbed out of bed and walked over to the door. When she opened it she immediately noticed the rest of the house was as dark and quiet as the bedroom. She turned on the hall light and made her way downstairs. The glow of the fireplace and the sparkle of the Christmas tree lights were the only illumination downstairs. She stepped down into the living room and looked around. Kayleigh thought the room was empty until she noticed Jax’s silhouette beside the Christmas tree, looking out the window.
"Jax?"
Jax was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Kayleigh’s voice.
"I’m sorry sweetheart I didn’t hear you come down."
Jax made his way over to Kayleigh and took her into his arms. "Did you have a good sleep?"
"Yes thanks. Why are you standing down here in the dark?"
Jax shrugged his shoulders. "It just seemed to fit my mood. Plus you can watch the moon sparkle on the snow better." Jax put his arm around Kayleigh’s waist and led her toward the sofa. "Come on let’s sit down. Can I get you anything?"
"Fit your mood? Would that be reflective or dark?"
"Reflective. I tend to get this way on New Years eve."
"Oh my gosh! I forgot it was New Years. Is that why your folks aren’t here? They went to the mayors ball?"
"Yes. And believe me it took some finagling to get them to leave."
"Well I’m glad you did. There was no reason for them to stay home tonight. Why didn’t you go? I would have understood."
"You can’t be serious Kayleigh."
"I am. You still have time to get ready and go if you’d like."
Jax pulled Kayleigh into his arms, her back resting upon his chest. "Sweetheart I was in no mood to go to a party without you."
"Well you could have gone."
"I appreciate your offer, but I didn’t want to go. Are you sure you don’t want anything? How about some hot chocolate?"
"Mmmm. That sounds good."
Kayleigh tried to stand up. Jax stopped her. "You sit right here. I’ll get it." He kissed the top of her head and started off for the kitchen. "How about some cookies? I think dad and Jerry left some for us." Jax called over his shoulder.
"Sure baby that sounds great."
Kayleigh leaned back against the pillows on the couch and closed her eyes. She wanted to finally open up and talk about what had happened, the loss she and Jax had just suffered. She had done a lot of thinking about it and she wanted to get it out so that they could move on.
"I found some real whipped cream. Mum must have picked it up today." Jax set the tray of hot chocolate and cookies down on the coffee table. He handed Kayleigh her hot chocolate and sat down.
Kayleigh took a sip. "Mmmmm. This is even better then you mothers. Is it a special talent of the Jacks family or something?"
"It’s a secret family recipe. I can’t share it with you until we are married. Sorry."
"That’s ok. I don’t even know if I’ll want it then. If you don’t give it to me you will always have to make it."
Jax laughed. Kayleigh noticed it was the first uninhibited laugh she had heard from him since before the attack. She smiled and said a silent thank you to the heavens. He took a drink of his hot chocolate, set the cup down and then leaned back against the couch. Kayleigh set her cup down and snuggled against Jax, pulling his arms tightly around her.
"Jax."
"Yeah sweetheart?" Jax replied, already knowing what Kayleigh wanted. "You want to talk about the baby?"
"Yeah."
Jax pulled Kayleigh into a tighter embrace.
"I couldn’t talk about it at the hospital. It just didn’t seem to be the right place."
"I understand sweetheart."
Kayleigh sighed softly, took Jax’s hand in hers and began.
"Losing this baby was and is really painful. I won’t ever forget the possibilities of what could have been. The kind of life we would have given our baby and the love we would have given and gotten in return, but since it happened, I’m glad we didn’t know about it before. That would have been worse. Does that make any sense?"
"Yes." Jax said softly. He had been thinking that very thing all along.
"When I found out we lost our baby a piece of my heart died. We won’t ever be able to replace this baby, but in time I know the pain is going to lessen. It’s how I, we handle it until then that is important. It’s not that I want to forget about the loss of our baby, I just don’t want it to be the focal point of my whole existence. It’s something that we have to deal with and that is going to take time. I just can’t let it take over my life, and I’m afraid that it might if I’m not careful."
A small sob escaped Kayleigh but she continued. "I can’t talk about this all the time or I am going to go nuts. I can’t have everyone swarming over me, wanting to help. I know they mean well but it isn’t what I need. And I don’t want you treating me like I am a some fragile porcelain doll that has been broken and needs to be repaired. I want you with me because I love you and I need you. Not because I need you to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. I don’t need to be fixed Jax. I need to heal and there is a difference."
Kayleigh leaned up and took a sip of her now cold hot chocolate. She leaned back against Jax and again he wrapped his arms around her tightly.
"I know that your first instinct is to try and fix everything for me, to put me in our bedroom and protect me from the cold cruel world. I love you dearly for it but that isn’t how we are going to get through this. We have to get back to our normal life as soon as we can." The last words were barely above a whisper.
"Are you ok sweetheart?" Jax asked softly.
"Yes. Are you?" Kayleigh hoped that by asking that simple question she had opened the door for Jax to share his feelings.
It worked. Jax began to speak in a soft voice.
"I would give anything to go back two days and get back what we lost. When I was told that you had miscarried it felt as if an ice cold poker went through me, but I am so unbelievably thankful that I didn’t lose you as well. When I got to the hospital and saw you laying there, I was terrified that I was going to. That is something that I don’t ever want to face again. We’ll do whatever it takes to get through this, and we will do it together. Whatever you need or want I’ll make sure you get."
"But what about you Jax? What do you need to get through this? This isn’t just about me."
Jax put his cheek against Kayleigh’s and rested his chin on her shoulder. " I’ve got what I need right here." He hugged Kayleigh to him. "As long as you love me and we do this together, we’ll be ok."
"We’ll be ok as long as you promise me one thing."
"Anything luv, anything."
"Promise me that you aren’t planning on taking care of the people that did this to me."
Kayleigh immediately felt Jax tense up. She pulled away from him and turned to face him. "Jax please don’t tell me you were honestly thinking about taking this into your own hands."
Jax looked down at his hands.
"Jax please. Let the police handle this one."
Jax slowly looked at Kayleigh.
"Jax dammit don’t do this!"
"Kayleigh I don’t know if I can promise you that."
"Fine if you can’t promise me that you won’t go after them, then I will just have to call Detective Garcia and tell him what you are planning."
Jax’s eyes flew open wide and he looked at Kayleigh. "You wouldn’t."
"I most certainly would. I don’t need to worry about you getting hurt or getting into trouble for becoming a vigilante. This isn’t agency business Jax. Please stay out of it."
Jax didn’t speak. His silence worried Kayleigh more then any protestations would have.
"Jax. Please. It is completely understandable for you to want to lash out at those bastards, believe me the thought even crossed my mind. But I…."
"You WHAT?" Jax asked surprised.
"You heard me Jax. I know I could find them and take care of them, leaving no trace of having been there, but I realized how ridiculous that would be. Just as ridiculous as you going after them."
"I’m glad you had a change of heart."
"It wasn’t really a change of heart Jax. I just realized it would be to big of a risk. Luckily the police don’t think it to strange that I managed to kill one of them. But I know if the other two turned up dead or missing the first person they would be onto would be you. I wasn’t willing to take that risk. And I don’t want or need you to either. So first thing tomorrow you can call Jerry and tell him that you are going to let the proper authorities handle this."
Jax shook his head. "I’ll make the call in the morning."
"Thank you."
"Kayleigh what made you so sure that I was thinking about it and that Jerry was involved?"
"Because I know you and I know your brother."
"Well not that I had any doubts about it, but if I had, that would have erased them."
"It isn’t that hard to figure out Jax. If someone hurt you my first instinct would be to take care of them. So why would I think it would be any different for you?"
"It wouldn’t be any different and I see your point. You feel a little better now don’t you?"
"Yes. I needed for us to talk about it. I’m not going to lie and say it still doesn’t hurt like hell, but I do feel better. Do you?"
"Yes."
Kayleigh stood up. "I’m starving Jax. Let’s go make some sandwiches."
"Sweetheart let me…"
"Jax no we’ll do it together."
Jax stood up and together he and Kayleigh walked into the kitchen. Once in the kitchen Kayleigh turned on the stereo, hoping to catch the countdown to New Years.
"Ok lets see. What do you feel up to eating?" Jax asked as he looked into the fridge.
"What do we have?" Kayleigh sat down on a stool at the counter. "Is there any more of that fried chicken from today?"
"Nope." Jax called over his shoulder. "Jerry took care of that this afternoon. How about some Sesame Shrimp? Mum and dad had it for dinner last night and ordered extra."
"That sounds great."
"Sesame shrimp it is then." Jax picked up the containers and was placing them on the counter in front of Kayleigh when the phone rang. He looked at Kayleigh with raised eyebrows.
Kayleigh reached over and picked it up.
"Hello."
Kayleigh covered the receiver. "It’s Garcia."
"Yes, ok. Hang on let me get a piece of paper and pencil."
Jax handed Kayleigh a pad and pencil. Kayleigh scribbled a number down.
"I’ll call you right back."
"What was that about?" Jax asked curiously.
"It seems like they found my attackers."
"Great. They have them in custody?"
"Sort of."
"What do you mean sort of? Either they do or they don’t."
"They are in the custody of the Port Charles medical examiner."
"Really?"
"Garcia want’s to fax over their pictures for me to identify."
"Are you up to that tonight?"
"I’m not sure. That is why I said I would call him back."
Jax walked around the counter and turned Kayleigh’s stool so that she was facing him. He took her hands into his.
"Sweetheart if you don’t feel up to it tonight, Garcia will understand, if he doesn’t that’s just to damn bad. Do you want to do it tonight or do you want to wait?"
Jax watched Kayleigh’s face. Her brows furrowed and she got a look of deep concentration in her eyes. He stood silently watching her. Finally the furrowed brow disappeared and an almost peaceful look took over.
"I want to do it. If it is them then we can really start the New Year off almost right. Oh GOD does that make me sound like a monster?"
"No it makes you human."
Kayleigh picked up the phone and called Garcia. She gave him the fax number and hung up. She got off the stool and took Jax’s hand. They silently walked into their office and waited for the fax. A few minutes later the familiar sound of a fax coming through filled the office. Kayleigh squeezed Jax’s hand and waited for it to stop.
"Do you want me to get it?"
Kayleigh shook her head and walked with Jax over to the fax machine. Jax leaned over and turned on the light. Kayleigh picked up the piece of paper and looked at the pictures that had been faxed to her. She looked at Jax and then back at the pictures. She started to shake.
Jax reached over and took the paper out of her hands. Kayleigh turned to Jax and buried her face in his chest, her body wracked with sobs. Jax dropped the paper and wrapped his arms around her. He wanted desperately to know whether or not it was Kayleigh’s attackers on the paper that now lay at their feet, but right now Kayleigh was more important. He stood holding Kayleigh while she cried. Willing her pain away. After a few minutes Kayleigh stopped crying and pulled away from Jax.
"It’s them."
"Good." Jax replied coldly. He felt no remorse for the deaths of the men that had killed the baby that he and Kayleigh had created, that had nearly killed the woman he so desperately loved. He felt relief.
"I want to call Garcia now. I want to get this over with and put it behind me."
Jax bent over and picked up the picture. He was about to rip it up when Kayleigh stopped him.
"Jax wait don’t do that."
"Are you sure sweetheart?"
"Yes." Kayleigh took Jax’s hand and headed for the kitchen. She took the picture and laid it on the counter next to the phone. She dialed Garcia’s number, never once letting go of Jax’s hand. She squeezed it as Garcia picked up.
"Detective Garcia, it’s them. Yes I’m sure. Thank you for everything." Kayleigh hung up the phone and sighed.
"Are you ok?"
Kayleigh nodded. "But I am not really hungry anymore."
"Neither am I." Jax put the food back in the refrigerator. "You want to head up to bed?"
Kayleigh looked at the clock. "Not just yet. Can we watch the ball drop first? Do you mind?"
"Of course not."
Kayleigh grabbed the picture of her assailants off the counter, turned off the stereo and headed into the living room with Jax. Jax turned on the television just as the countdown was about to begin. Kayleigh walked over to the fireplace.
"Jax there is something we have to do before the new year."
"What luv?" Jax asked as he walked over to where Kayleigh stood by the fireplace.
Without saying a word Kayleigh ripped the paper in half and handed a piece to Jax. She smiled a sad smile and tossed her half into the fire. Jax followed suit. He held his arms out to Kayleigh, she gladly welcomed his embrace. They stood looking at the fire until there was nothing left of the picture but ashes. Kayleigh pulled away from Jax, took his hand and walked over to where they had a better view of the television. As the ball hit bottom and the new year began, Kayleigh felt a calmness wash over her. It was the first time since her attack that she felt really ok. She turned to Jax.
"Happy New Year Jax. I love you."
"Happy New Year sweetheart." Jax put his hand under Kayleigh’s chin and tilted her head up to look into her eyes. "And I love you." He leaned down and put his lips gently to hers and kissed her. He pulled away and smiled. "Ready to go to bed?"
Kayleigh nodded and put her hand into Jax’s. "Jax, we’re going to get through this together, we’re going to be ok."
"Yes we are Kayleigh, yes we are."