116: Caroline and the Proposal

Written by Fred Barron & Marco Pennette & Ian Praiser
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Sharon Lawrence as Maddie
Tom La Grua as Remo
Cathy Ladman as Woman in Elevator
Joe Ochman as Mailman

CAROLINE: So.

DEL: So.

[Annie enters from her apartment, dragging a dried-out Christmas tree]

ANNIE: February twenty-second. I guess Santa's not coming. [she looks at Del] Clothes from last night, [she looks at Caroline] and a hickey. He's ba-ack.

CAROLINE: I can explain.

ANNIE: Ah, save it for lunch. I'm buying, you're talking. [she drags the Christmas tree down the hallway]

CAROLINE: Annie, you're never going to fit that Christmas tree down that garbage chute.

ANNIE: Please! The La-Z-Boy went down like butter. [she exits]

DEL: Listen, Caroline, I meant what I said last night.

CAROLINE: You mean, 'Untie me, joke's over'?

DEL: No. I want to marry you.

CAROLINE: Oh come on, Del, you didn't really mean that. You weren't thinking straight. All the blood was rushing away from your head to other places.

DEL: Come on, Caroline, do you think I'd propose marriage just to get you into bed?

CAROLINE: Isn't that how you ended up with your second wife?

DEL: Well okay, but I like to think I've grown since then. [the elevator door opens; Del steps in] Listen, Caroline, we love each other, and no matter what happens we keep ending up together. Now, we can keep saying 'I wonder what else is out there?', or we can look at each other and say 'Yeah, but look what I've got right here'.

CAROLINE: Honey, that's so sweet!

DEL: Really? Phew, because the way it was coming out I thought 'Boy, does this sound stupid!'

CAROLINE: No, believe me, it didn't sound stupid.

[the camera cuts to show a woman standing in the elevator]

WOMAN: Look, I know this is the most important decision of your life, but I'm late for work and it's my turn to bring the donuts, so...

DEL: Okay, just a second. Caroline...

CAROLINE: Look, I just don't know what to say.

WOMAN: Oh man, fat Evelyn from accounting is going to yell at me!

DEL: Look, just don't say no. Say...

WOMAN: I'll think about it.

DEL: I'll think about it.

CAROLINE: Okay, I'll think about it.

[they kiss]

DEL: We'll talk at dinner tonight. [Caroline exits] So how do you think I came off?

WOMAN: A little needy.

RICHARD: Okay, I finished the Father's Day cards, and I... [he sees the look on Caroline's face] What? What's wrong with you? Oh, you and Del have been together a whole eight minutes, you must've broken up again.

CAROLINE: No, not quite. He wants to get married.

[Richard looks shocked]

RICHARD: To you?

CAROLINE: No, to you. Of course to me!

RICHARD: Caroline, that's ridiculous!

CAROLINE: What do you mean, that's ridiculous?

RICHARD: Because you...you are my boss, and this is none of my business and if you want to marry Del, it's your life. Now, what'd I do with the cerulean blue?

CAROLINE: 'It's your life'? That's a lousy thing to say!

RICHARD: Why? What's wrong with 'It's your life'?

CAROLINE: Well, no-one says that when they approve of what you're doing. I mean, no-one ever says 'So, you're going to Princeton and Harvard Business School. Hey, it's your life!'

RICHARD: Okay, you're right, it was a lousy thing to say. Now, how am I going to colour the sky without cerulean blue?

CAROLINE: Would you forget the cerulean blue?

RICHARD: Okay, okay, if you don't mind settling for a less dense colour.

CAROLINE: Hey, I am not settling. Del and I happen to have a lot of chemistry, and I assume we're talking about Del and me and not some stupid colour, otherwise I'm going to be really embarrassed.

RICHARD: Look, I have nothing against Del, it's just that I happen to think there are a lot of other options out there.

CAROLINE: Options?

RICHARD: Yeah, options.

CAROLINE: Really? I don't see any options. [she looks in the desk drawers] Nope, no options in here! [she lifts the desktop up and takes out a pen] None in here either, although there is cerulean blue.

[Richard takes the pen and looks at it]

RICHARD: This is cadmium red.

CAROLINE: I know, but it would've made such a cool point if it had been cerulean blue.

RICHARD: Let's just get back to work, okay?

CAROLINE: You're right. Let's get back to work. [pause] I can't work today, I've got so much to think about!

RICHARD: And of course...you love him?

CAROLINE: Of course I do.

RICHARD: Well, look at that. A free day. [he walks towards the door] Well, not a free day, I mean, I do get paid for today, right?

CAROLINE: I don't know, Richard, that 'It's your life' shot's going to cost you.

[cut to the hallway. Richard shuts the door and leans against it with his eyes closed. Annie enters, dragging the Christmas tree]

ANNIE: They were right, I could not get this down the shoot. [Richard walks down the hallway] See you later, Richard.

RICHARD: Yeah, maybe. [he exits]

[the elevator door opens; Annie checks to see that no-one is watching and then throws the Christmas tree in]

ANNIE: Well, well, well! Caroline and Del. Doing the old slap and tickle again, huh?

CAROLINE: It just happened, and oh boy, it gets so much better. You ready for this?

ANNIE: Yeah.

CAROLINE: He asked me to marry him.

[Annie screams; Remo rushes over to the table]

REMO: Oh, it's okay, it's okay! The occasional cockroach is a sign that the food is fresh. [he starts checking the table] They don't come if the food is not fresh.

ANNIE: No, Remo, not a cockroach, and by the way, gross! Del proposed to Caroline.

REMO: Oh, Carolina! [he kisses her on both cheeks] Carolina, Carolina! [pause] There's no bambino on the way?

CAROLINE: No bambino. Del proposed to me because, believe it or not, he actually wanted to.

REMO: I knew it. You and Signor Del are made for each other. That night you two broke up right at this very table, what did I tell you?

CAROLINE: That I could do better, and if I had two hundred bucks, you knew somebody who could hurt him.

REMO: [uncomfortable] You never let me finish. [he exits]

ANNIE: Okay, we have so much to do. Now, you do want me to be your maid of honour? Done. And when are we planning on doing this, because the fall doesn't look great for me. I do have the last week in October open, maybe-

CAROLINE: Annie, I didn't accept Del's proposal.

ANNIE: Excuse me?

CAROLINE: I know, I know, I know, but there Del was asking me to marry him, and all of a sudden I had this picture of us in our house in Connecticut, and me driving the three kids to soccer practice, and I didn't know if it was my dream come true, or, you know...hell.

ANNIE: Let me get this straight. You finally get your one and only marriage proposal, and instead of jumping right at it you picture yourself trapped in a Volvo commercial?

CAROLINE: Annie, for your information, it was not my one and only marriage proposal. Allan Etherton in the second grade proposed marriage to me, and if not for the fact that he ate paste, he was quite a catch.

ANNIE: Caroline, Del loves you. You love him. For once in your life, don't overanalyse everything. Don't think of it as this life-long commitment to the man that one day you will bury. Think of it as your first marriage!

[Remo enters, carrying a bottle of champagne]

REMO: Carolina, to celebrate your upcoming nuptials, a bottle of our finest champagne on the house.

ANNIE: She didn't say yes.

REMO: That's okay, this isn't our finest champagne.

CAROLINE: Look, it's not like I turned him down, although I did get the feeling that Richard thought the whole thing was a big mistake.

ANNIE: Well, of course Big Chief Black Cloud is going to dump all over it. You know, he's got a thing for you.

CAROLINE: Richard?

ANNIE: Yes, Richard!

CAROLINE: Oh, please!

ANNIE: Remo.

REMO: Carolina, I have to agree with Annie on this one. You are definitely the cream in his canoli. [he takes a wine glass out of his pocket] Oh look, a glass! I will join you. [he sits down]

CAROLINE: Guys, come on. We're talking Richard here! This is the man who charged me double time for attending my birthday party.

ANNIE: I can't believe you can't see it. I mean, he's always acting like he doesn't care how you feel, and he's always acting like he's better than you...

REMO: Or how he acts like he doesn't like your little comic strip.

ANNIE: Well actually, I don't think he does like her comic strip.

REMO: Of course he likes it.

[they start arguing]

CAROLINE: Guys, guys, come on. Give me some credit for having some awareness here. I mean, I work with the man every day. I think I'd know if he had feelings for me. I mean, Richard. Pah! [she makes several disbelieving noises; Annie and Remo imitate her. Someone at another table screams; Remo jumps up]

REMO: I think there's another marriage proposal on table two. [he takes the champagne] I need to borrow this. [he walks over to the table] Congratulations!

MADDIE: Why am I calling? I'll tell you why I'm calling, you pot-bellied, skirt-chasing, toupee-wearing cliché! When you ran off with my secretary, I forgot to ask her where she keeps the 'While you were out' pads ... Well, wake the forty-word-per-minute slut up! And while you're at it, please, would you let her know that since you paid for those breast implants out of our joint account, that one of those puppies is legally mine! ... Who cares what I'm going to do with it? I will use it as a tub toy! ... No, Michael, I am not bitter! Do I sound bitter? What makes you think I'm bitter? [she bangs the receiver on the desk] THAT'S bitter! ... Oh, listen, you- ... I can still attract plenty of guys, yes! Plenty of guys! ... Oh really? Well, for your information, I'm going to do it with the next guy who walks in that door.

[an overweight mailman enters]

MAILMAN: Mail. [he puts a bunch of letters on Maddie's desk]

MADDIE: [on phone] Okay, the guy after him.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Uh, I'd like to speak to somebody about finding a new position.

MADDIE: [on phone] This is too easy. [she hangs up]

RICHARD: [on answering machine] Hello.

CAROLINE: Hi Richard, it's Caroline-

RICHARD: Actually it's just a machine, but then again, aren't we all?

[Caroline hangs up]

CAROLINE: He picks now to get a sense of humour.

MADDIE: This is a very impressive résumé, Mr Karinsky. Thirty years old, and you've spent the last eight months...colouring in things.

RICHARD: Yes, my mother's very proud too.

MADDIE: So, do you find it a little bright in here?

RICHARD: No, actually it seems fine to me.

[Maddie pulls the blinds down]

MADDIE: Yes, that's much better. Please, make yourself comfortable.

RICHARD: Oh, alright. [he takes his coat off and walks over to hang it up]

MADDIE: NO! [Richard looks surprised] No, not 'no' you, 'no' me. My therapist says whenever I feel the need for a cigarette just to yell NO!

RICHARD: Oh, I see. You've quit smoking, right?

MADDIE: Yeah, cigarettes were just making me tense. So, I finally broke down and got the patch!

RICHARD: I see. Perhaps you should've gotten a bigger one.

MADDIE: Humour. Good for you. You're going to need it, out there in that cold, heartless, one-varicose-vein-and-you're-dead world. [she gets a bottle of whiskey out of a drawer and pours some into a glass] Would you care for a scotch?

RICHARD: No, no thank you.

MADDIE: [brightly] I'm going to have one! Special occasion - today is the first damn day of my sorry little life.

RICHARD: Ah, so that's falling on a Thursday this year.

[Maddie laughs]

MADDIE: You are so funny.

RICHARD: [uncomfortable] Uh, look uh, Miss uh...

MADDIE: Call me Maddie. [she locks the door]

RICHARD: Uh, listen, Miss Maddie, uh, you know what? Maybe I should just come back another time.

MADDIE: Oh no, please stay. Tell me, why did you leave your last employer? [she sits down at the desk]

RICHARD: Well, I'm considering leaving because, well, she's made some changes and I'm not so sure there'll be room for me any more.

MADDIE: Yes, down-sizing.

RICHARD: Intellectually, yes.

[Maddie starts rubbing her foot against the leg of the desk]

MADDIE: Oh, I'm sorry about your foot!

RICHARD: [confused] No.

MADDIE: What type of job were you looking for? [she slouches further down in her chair]

RICHARD: [distracted] Well, you know, I...uh...as you can probably see, as you can see on my résumé...are you alright?

MADDIE: Yes, why?

RICHARD: Well, [whispers] you're sliding under the desk!

MADDIE: Well, uh...we just waxed the chairs! [she demonstrates] Slide up, slide down, slide up, slide... [she gives up, embarrassed]

RICHARD: No really, you seem just a little distracted. [he stands up] I'll just come back a little later...when the thorozene kicks in. [he puts his coat on]

MADDIE: I am so pathetic! I can't even seduce a miserable, uptight, out of work artist!

RICHARD: Hey! I am not out of work!

MADDIE: Michael was right. God, I am such a loser. [she takes the lampshade off the lamp and gets a packet of cigarettes out of it] I should just give up, go home, and eat chocolate macaroons until I'm huge. [she lights a cigarette with a lighter concealed in the 'No Smoking' sign on her desk] I got to get out there again. I've got to get down to dating weight, and I don't even know what dating weight is, it's all metric now! [she starts to cry]

RICHARD: Oh boy, oh boy, no no no, please, please don't cry. I don't respond well to people crying.

MADDIE: Well, thank you for sharing, but this really isn't about you.

RICHARD: Look, is there someone I should call, like a sponsor or someone?

MADDIE: No, she's dead. I'm all alone. No man is ever going to find me attractive again.

RICHARD: Oh come on, you're just fishing for compliments.

MADDIE: Is it working?

RICHARD: You're a very attractive woman. [he walks over and gives her a tissue] Even with the puffy eyes and the runny nose.

MADDIE: Yeah?

RICHARD: Yeah.

MADDIE: Thank you, I really needed to hear that today.

RICHARD: Okay, take care. [he turns around to leave; Maddie grabs him by the back of the coat, pulls him into her lap and kisses him]

CAROLINE: Yeah, Salty? I know how you feel. [she picks up the phone and starts dialling, but then hangs up, grabs her coat and exits]

MADDIE: Well, that was one of the better mistakes I've made in my life.

RICHARD: Thank you, I think. Although I'll admit I was a little concerned when you yelled 'no' right in the middle of it.

MADDIE: Well, I was done! It's usually when I think about having a smoke.

[knock at door]

RICHARD: Who is it?

CAROLINE: [from outside] It's Caroline.

[Richard sits up, shocked]

RICHARD: Get in the closet, quick! [he gets up and starts putting his trousers on]

MADDIE: Oh, you're married? Oh, you SUCK! Oh, MEN SUCK!

RICHARD: No, she's not my wife, she's my boss.

MADDIE: Oh, well then you are just pathetic!

RICHARD: Come on, hurry, hurry, come on...

[Maddie stands up, wrapped in Richard's duvet]

CAROLINE: Richard?

RICHARD: Yeah, I'm coming, Caroline, I'm just...I'm cleaning my brush.

MADDIE: Now that's one I've never heard!

[Richard pushes her into the closet, then opens the door]

RICHARD: Caroline, hi.

CAROLINE: Hi.

[he gets uncomfortable about having no shirt on and crosses his arms]

RICHARD: Hi, uh, what are you doing here?

CAROLINE: Uh, me? I just found myself in your neighbourhood.

RICHARD: Caroline, nobody just finds themselves in my neighbourhood unless they're dropping off ransom.

CAROLINE: Look, I was thinking maybe we could just get a bite to eat.

RICHARD: Yeah, sure, sure. Hey, there's this Turkish restaurant I've been dying to try but I've been afraid to go in there by myself.

CAROLINE: Oh, yum!

RICHARD: Come on, let's go. [he tries to shut the door]

CAROLINE: Richard, aren't you going to get dressed? It's starting to rain out there.

RICHARD: No, I'll just buy some clothes on the way. [he tries to shut the door again] Okay, just stay right there, I'll be right there... [he quickly opens the closet door, takes out a shirt and starts getting dressed. Cigarette smoke wafts out of the closet]

CAROLINE: Look, I was thinking about what you were saying this morning about Del and me, and...I think something's burning!

RICHARD: No, nothing's burning.

CAROLINE: No, I think it's coming from here.

RICHARD: No, Caroline-

[Caroline opens the closet door; Maddie is sitting there in a cloud of smoke with a cigarette in her mouth]

RICHARD: [to Caroline] I am as shocked as you are!

MADDIE: Don't worry, I took the patch off.

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, I'm obviously interrupting something.

RICHARD: Caroline look, it's-

CAROLINE: No really, I'm late. I have to go kill Annie and Remo. [she starts to leave]

RICHARD: Caroline, Caroline wait-

CAROLINE: No. Richard, you don't have to explain. We're both adults, we're free to do whoever...whatever...we want. [she gets a hurt expression on her face] Um...I'll see you tomorrow at work. [to Maddie] Nice to meet you.

MADDIE: Same here.

[Caroline exits]

CAROLINE: I am so stupid. Stupid! [she exits]

[cut to Richard's apartment]

MADDIE: Aren't you going to go after her?

RICHARD: [quietly] What do you mean?

MADDIE: Don't be so dense. Didn't you see the look on her face when she found us together? The same look I had when I found my husband collating my secretary in the xerox room. Oh my god, I'm the other woman! [happily] Oh my god, I'm the other woman!

RICHARD: Look, you've got it all wrong, okay?

MADDIE: Don't burst my bubble.

RICHARD: No, Caroline is marrying someone else.

MADDIE: Well, she's not married yet. Go after her!

RICHARD: Right. Look, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a people person. I don't do too well with love. Every relationship that's ever meant anything to me, I've...destroyed, singlehandedly. I have driven them all away. I just don't want that to happen with Caroline. I am not going to take that risk again.

[pause]

MADDIE: Oh, boo hoo hoo! So you're just going to do nothing? You're going to sit here feeling sorry for yourself, grow old and die?

RICHARD: You're not a real cuddler after sex, are you?

MADDIE: Well, I just watched a ten year marriage go down the crapper, and you don't see me crying, do you?

RICHARD: Yes, I do.

MADDIE: And do you blame me? Yes, it is scary out there, but at least I'm giving it another shot! Come on, you can't let the fear always win.

RICHARD: [sadly] Right.

MADDIE: And another thing.

RICHARD: What?

MADDIE: Get some friggin' chairs in here!

CAROLINE: Taxi!

[Richard enters, carrying an umbrella]

RICHARD: Caroline! Caroline, Caroline, here. [he gives her the umbrella]

CAROLINE: Richard!

RICHARD: I thought you might need this.

CAROLINE: You came all the way out here just to give me an umbrella?

RICHARD: No, there's something else, I... [they look at each other for a moment] You should go over to second, it'll be easier to get a cab.

CAROLINE: Thanks.

RICHARD: See you tomorrow.

CAROLINE: Bye. [Richard exits; Caroline watches him for a moment, then turns back to the street] Taxi!

DEL: I couldn't wait 'til dinner.

CAROLINE: Oh, this is so amazing!

DEL: So...?

CAROLINE: Of course I'll marry you.

[they kiss]