119: Caroline and the Movie
Written by Bill Prady
Directed by Tom Cherones
Guest Starring:
Robby Benson as Himself
John Landis as Himself
Jeff Altman as Howie Bloom
Steven Banks as A.D.
Kathy Griffin as DMV Clerk
Rick Pasqualone as Blade
Sandra Purpuro as Maria Louise Fanego
Wendee Cole as Howie's Date
Nina Jane Barry as 2nd A.C.
RICHARD: Morning.
CAROLINE: Morning, Richard.
DEL: Hey hey! You forgot the 'good', good buddy.
RICHARD: 'Fraid I didn't, partner. They're filming a movie in front of the building, and I just had the delightful experience of being detained while they finished pushing Brian Dennehy in front of a bus.
[Caroline and Del look out the window]
DEL: Wow, they're making a movie. That's so cool!
RICHARD: Oh yeah, what's so cool about it? The crowds, the blocked off streets, the gridlock, or the temporary no parking signs?
DEL: I didn't see any no parking signs.
RICHARD: Oh yeah, I figured that when I saw them towing away your Porsche. [Del looks surprised, then runs towards the door] You have a good day now, good buddy!
CLERK: Next.
[Del and Charlie walk up to the counter]
DEL: Yeah, my car was towed and I'd like to pick it up.
CLERK: Okay, that'll be three hundred and forty-two dollars. Cash or credit card?
DEL: Credit card? Oh come on, wait a minute. The guy in the other line said I had to pay cash, so I had to get out of line, wait for a payphone, get him to bring me money [he points to Charlie], get back into line, wait three hours, and now you're telling me I could've paid with a credit card?
CLERK: Wow, was that like the really long, boring way of saying 'cash'? [Del pays her; she starts stamping forms] Okay, this is yours, this is mine, this is for the file, this we throw away. Alright, go outside, turn left, your car is in space G-7.
DEL: Is that it?
CLERK: Well, there's also a floor show at eight, but most people just take their car and go.
DEL: [sarcastic] Thank you so much for your help. See you out front, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Yeah.
[Del exits]
CLERK: [to the other clerk] Stu, I'm taking my fifteen. [she puts a 'lane closed' sign on the counter]
CHARLIE: So, uh... [he reads her name tag] Nan. Is that short for Nancy?
CLERK: [sarcastic] No, it's short for Nanook. I'm an Eskimo.
CHARLIE: You don't look it. So, is there a Mr Nan?
CLERK: Okay look, tiger, I've been through this a million times, so let me just cut to the chase. I chew my hair, I'm really clingy and needy, and the last guy who dumped me I threw down a flight of stairs - hard. You still interested?
CHARLIE: More than ever. You know...I'd love to chew your hair.
CLERK: Okay, you had me, and then you grossed me out.
[Del enters]
DEL: Yeah, hey, hi. Remember me?
CLERK: [annoyed] Oh man, the one day I wear my hair down. I'm a magnet!
DEL: I think you better check you little files, 'cause I went out to space G-7. My Porsche wasn't there, it's an old Gremlin.
CHARLIE: An MC Gremlin? America's dream car?
DEL: Where's my car?
CHARLIE: Icks-nay, Del, icks-nay. You could walk out of here a winner.
CLERK: Alright, look, I think I know what happened. Your car's probably in the other row G.
DEL: How can you have two row Gs?
CLERK: Funny story. When they were painting the letters, one guy starts here with A, right, the other guy starts here with Z, but it turns out there were twenty-seven rows, so we actually have two row Gs. Oh, we laugh about it.
DEL: Great, now how do I get my Porsche back?
CLERK: I guess you have to find the guy who owns the Gremlin and switch.
DEL: Alright, well, give me his name and number and I'll call him.
CLERK: I'm sorry, we are not allowed to give out that information!
CHARLIE: But it's okay to give out that overwhelming sexual essence? [he growls]
CLERK: Well, that I can tell you.
MAN: [from outside] Action!
[Richard picks up a pencil jar just as there is an explosion outside. He jumps and scatters pencils everywhere, then bends down under the desk to pick them up. Caroline enters]
CAROLINE: [yelling over the noise from outside] RICHARD!
[Richard hits his head on the underside of the desk]
RICHARD: Ow!
CAROLINE: I got the best news. Glen and Bob, the two guys from the fourth floor with the Pomeranian, they said that anybody from the building can be extras in the movie, so I went down there and I signed us up.
RICHARD: [fake happiness] Oh my god, oh my god! You and me, extras in a movie? It's like a dream come true! Are you out of your mind?
CAROLINE: Come on, Richard. It's a big Hollywood movie. John Landis is directing.
RICHARD: Who?
CAROLINE: You know, the guy who directed "Animal House", "Blues Brothers", "Trading Places"...it pays eighty-five bucks...
RICHARD: Oh, that John Landis.
[outside there is a crash, then a wimpy scream]
CAROLINE: [looking out the window] Wow! For a big guy, that Brian Dennehy sure screams like a girl.
[Annie enters, wearing a bathrobe]
ANNIE: Jeez! It's three o'clock in the afternoon, don't they know I'm trying to sleep?
CAROLINE: They're making a movie.
ANNIE: I know. Can't they do it in the middle of the night when I am out?
CAROLINE: Richard and I are going to be extras. You want to come down with us?
ANNIE: [laughing] You are so cute. No, I don't want to be an extra in a movie. [she walks over and closes the window] It's boring, it's tiring, it's...IT'S ROBBY BENSON! OH MY GOD! Why didn't you tell me Robby Benson was in this movie? Richard, turn around so I can flash him!
CAROLINE: Okay, let me get this straight. You told your high school that you had a date with Robby Benson?
ANNIE: No no no, I told Maria Louise Fanego, 'cause she kept shoving that stupid autographed picture of David Cassidy in my face. I had to top her, so I told her Robby Benson was taking me to a Kiss concert.
CAROLINE: Good lie for a fourteen-year-old. Specific, plausible...
ANNIE: So I thought, until Maria Louise shows up with her friends, and I'm there with my brother Petey. And the next day she runs around school calling me a big fat liar.
RICHARD: Excuse me, but technically, wasn't it a big fat lie?
ANNIE: (A) - shut up, I'm telling a story, and (B) - shut up!
A.D.: [through megaphone] Okay extras, listen up! Now, we're going to place you for the next scene. Listen very carefully. I am the assistant director. Pay attention to me. Speak only to me. Do not speak to Mr Landis. Do not speak to any of the actors. Basically, you are human scenery. Got it?
[everyone nods]
CAROLINE: [to Richard] I know, you're focusing on the negative.
RICHARD: [sarcastic] Nah!
A.D.: [to Annie and a nerdy-looking guy] Okay, I'll take you and you up in this doorway. [he places them]
ANNIE: Um, excuse me. I know you're busy, but don't you think I'd be with someone a little better looking? [the A.D. rolls his eyes] Okay, okay, I'm in a slump, it's a blind date, I'll make it work. [to the nerdy guy] Hi, I'm Annie Spadaro. It's going to be so great working with you.
A.D.: [to a woman] Okay, you with the hat, let's put you over here, but you should be holding a baby. Props! [someone throws him a fake baby; he gives it to the woman] Okay, and let's lose the hat. [he takes it off her and throws it away] Okay, we need another couple on that doorway. [he points to the doorway next to the one Annie is standing in] Uh... [to Caroline] You, cute red-head girl, and uh... [he looks at Richard and Blade, then chooses Blade] You, swarthy-type guy. [he puts him with Caroline; she and Blade walk to the other doorway]
CAROLINE: Hi, I'm Caroline Duffy.
BLADE: Blade Cannon.
CAROLINE: Wow! With a name like that I guess you had to be an actor. Or a superhero.
BLADE: Actually, I'm trying to break into soft porn.
CAROLINE: [dubious] Nice.
A.D.: Okay, uh... [to Richard] You, Blondie. You're going to sell hot dogs. [he puts Richard beside a hot dog cart] Let's get an apron and some tongs. [someone gives him these; he gives them to Richard] And the rest of you we'll set in the wide shot. Alright, Mr Landis, we're ready to go.
JOHN: Okay, let's do one.
A.D.: [through megaphone] Okay, let's do one. [to Annie and the nerdy guy] You're coming down the stairs, [to the hat woman] you're walking the baby, [to Richard] and you are selling hot dogs, not looking directly into the camera. [he turns Richard around] Thank you very much. On a bell! [a buzzer sounds] Roll!
2ND A.C.: Scene twenty-four, take one.
JOHN: And...action.
[Robby and a policewoman start walking down the street]
ROBBY: We'll never get a search warrant.
[Annie screams as they walk past her]
JOHN: Cut!
ANNIE: Oh my god, I'm sorry, it's just that I've never seen him up close before. [to Robby] Your eyes are so gorgeous! And the beard, it's new?
ROBBY: [confused] John?
JOHN: [to the A.D.] Steve?
A.D.: [to Annie] Okay, when I said 'Do not speak to the actors', I didn't mean 'Except if you feel like it'. [through megaphone] Everybody back to one!
[everyone gets back to their places except for Caroline, who runs up to Annie]
CAROLINE: This is so much fun!
ANNIE: I know!
[Caroline runs back to her place]
A.D.: On a bell! [a buzzer sounds] Roll!
2ND A.C.: Scene twenty-four, take two.
JOHN: This is the one, Benson. Action!
[Robby and the policewoman start walking again]
ROBBY: We're never going to get a search warrant.
[they walk past Annie]
ANNIE: Oh wait, no no, Robby... [she starts straightening his collar]
JOHN: CUT!
ANNIE: His collar was up in this take and it wasn't in the other take. Continuity! I'm in the business.
A.D.: What did I tell you?
JOHN: Do we have a problem here?
[Caroline walks over to them]
CAROLINE: Mr Landis, I'm sorry about my friend. I try to mash up her medication and put it in her food, but um...she can taste it.
A.D.: I'm sorry Mr Landis, we're just a bit confused.
JOHN: Let me help. We're making a movie. [to Caroline] You, please go back on the stoop. [to Annie] You, please...go home.
A.D.: Everybody back to one!
[everyone gets back to their places]
ANNIE: Wait wait wait, wait a minute, what do you mean 'Go home'?
A.D.: He meant you're fired.
CAROLINE: You're firing her?
A.D.: Mm-hmm.
[Caroline looks apologetic to Annie]
ANNIE: That's okay, Caroline. I don't need to be in any stupid movie, I am in "Cats".
CAROLINE: You want me to quit with you?
ANNIE: No.
CAROLINE: Good, 'cause I already told my mom I'm in a movie! [she goes back to her place]
[Annie exits]
JOHN: Let's go again, and let's have some more romantic atmosphere. Um... [to Caroline and Blade] You, couple on the stairs, kiss this time.
A.D.: Excellent idea, sir. What kind of kiss?
JOHN: Passionate. Maybe some tongue.
A.D.: [through megaphone] Okay, you on the stairs, when we have action I want a big passionate kiss.
RICHARD: [to the A.D.] Kiss? You mean Cute Red-head Girl and Swarthy-type Guy?
A.D.: Yes. And Hot Dog Guy sells hot dogs.
2ND A.C.: Scene twenty-four, take three.
JOHN: Action!
[Caroline and Blade start kissing]
ROBBY: We're never going to get a search warrant.
[Richard throws a hot dog at Caroline and Blade; it hits them on the head and Caroline shrieks]
JOHN: Cut!
RICHARD: I'm sorry, I can't work with these tongs.
ROBBY: Uh, excuse me.
ANNIE: [angrily, with a donut in her mouth] What? [she realises who it is and drops the donut in surprise] Hi! Oh my god, do you know who you are?!
ROBBY: Yeah. Um, listen, I'm really sorry about what happened over there.
ANNIE: Did you come over here to talk to me?
ROBBY: Yeah.
ANNIE: [under her breath] Oh my god, Robby Benson is talking to ME! [to Robby] So...it looks like it's going to be a great movie. Are you still married?
ROBBY: Yeah, very happily. Children, wife, the whole nine yards.
ANNIE: Mmm, that's great, that's great. [she looks disappointed, then starts helping him make a sandwich] Listen, I don't want to seem like some crazed, freaky fan or anything, but I feel like I've grown up with you. I saw "Ice Castles" twenty-eight times.
ROBBY: Wow, that's more than my mother.
ANNIE: Do you do the meat thing?
ROBBY: Yeah.
[she puts meat on the sandwich]
ANNIE: Well, when I was fourteen I was this tall, gangly girl, you know? And when you ended up with the blind skater...
ROBBY: Uh-huh.
ANNIE: And then Melissa Manchester sang, I just, I felt there was hope for me.
ROBBY: Yeah, that's really sweet. Um, do you want me to talk to John about getting you back in the movie?
ANNIE: Oh no, I just did it to see you.
ROBBY: Thanks. Well, if there's anything I can do, just-
ANNIE: Well actually, if you're up for doing me a favour, let me tell you a story about a Kiss concert, a little white lie and a bitch named Maria Louise Fanego.
[cut to Richard and Blade, who are drinking coffee and talking]
BLADE: You know, this isn't the first time I've worked with John. You might recognise me from "Beverly Hills Cop 3". I was the guy on the park bench who got up so Eddie Murphy could sit down.
RICHARD: You look different in person.
BLADE: Yeah, this is great. My second John Landis movie, and I get to make out with a babe like her. You know, I'm thinking it's R-rated - I could probably even cop a feel.
[Richard absently starts snapping the tongs]
[cut to Caroline and the 2nd A.C. standing in the doorway]
CAROLINE: ...and we got back together, then we broke up, and then we got back together again, and then out of the blue he asks me to marry him.
2ND A.C.: [bored] Look, I just asked if you had a boyfriend. [she walks away]
BLADE: [offscreen] Oh, you idiot! [he and Richard enter; Blade has ketchup all over his shirt]
RICHARD: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it was an accident.
A.D: Oh great, now we need someone else to kiss the cute red-head girl.
RICHARD: You know, I suppose I could do it.
A.D.: Terrific. Go kiss the cute red-head girl. [Richard takes off his apron and gives it to him] And lose the Clark Kents.
RICHARD: Oh, right. [he takes his glasses off and walks over to Caroline]
A.D.: [to a man] You, grunge guy. A star is born. [he gives him the apron] Go work the hot dog cart.
[cut to Richard and Caroline]
RICHARD: Hi.
CAROLINE: Hi, how're you doing?
RICHARD: Good. There's been a change - looks like we're going to be paired together.
CAROLINE: Oh, really? We're going to...that's, that's good. What happened to the other guy?
RICHARD: Uh, I don't think the lasagne agreed with him.
CHARLIE: God, look at this baby. Elegance on wheels. Factory eight-track, and the limited-edition Levi Strauss denim interior, oh! Del, are you sure you want to give up this beautiful Gremlin and go back to your Porsche?
DEL: Call me crazy - yes. Is there an office address in those papers?
[Charlie goes through the glove box]
CHARLIE: Uh...no, but here's the house, [he gives Del a piece of paper] and I did find this. [he holds up a magic troll] [in a high-pitched voice] Hi Del, nice tie!
DEL: Great. Well, I guess we could go back to the house.
CHARLIE: Isn't it great how it won't be raining in Manhattan, but go over the bridge, and boom!
DEL: Yes. Another delightful feature of New Jersey.
CHARLIE: [looking out the window] Look, look, look, your car!
DEL: My car!
[they pull in to a service station and get out of the car]
DEL: [to Howie, who is standing beside the Porsche] Hey! Excuse me, can I talk to you?
CHARLIE: Yeah, you!
HOWIE: Yeah, sure! [to the woman in the Porsche] This'll just take a second. [he walks over to them]
DEL: Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing? That's my car!
HOWIE: Oh.
DEL: 'Oh'? Hey look, pal, I could have you arrested! What gives you the right to drive off in someone else's car?
CHARLIE: Right, that's not cool.
HOWIE: Look, I know I shouldn't have taken your car, but when I saw it parked in the other G-7 and I found the hide-a-key the same place I hide mine, it was like the Force was talking to me. It was like saying, 'Get in. Drive me'.
DEL: Yeah, that's how they sell them.
HOWIE: I was just going to take it round the block once, just to see how it feels, and this woman practically jumped into it!
DEL: Yeah well, that's another selling point. Can you just get her out of there?
HOWIE: Look, Del-
DEL: Hey, hey, how do you know my name?
HOWIE: The little brass plate on the dash. By the way, if she gets out of the car, my name is Del too. Look, I'm a ninth-grade science teacher in Newark.
DEL & CHARLIE: Oh, jeez.
HOWIE: I've never had a shot at a woman like this, or really any woman for that matter. I took her to dinner and now she wants to come back to my place.
DEL: Well, she can get there in your car.
HOWIE: [disappointed] Yeah. Look, you're a Porsche guy, and I'm a Gremlin guy, and tomorrow I've got to go back to being a Gremlin guy, but tonight...I need to be a Porsche guy. Maybe I can just keep the car a little longer, huh? Please? Guy to guy?
DEL: 'Guy to guy'?
CHARLIE: Can't turn down 'Guy to guy', Del.
DEL: Alright look, what's your name?
HOWIE: Howie.
DEL & CHARLIE: Oh, jeez.
DEL: Okay, look. I can't believe we're doing this. Here's the plan: we follow you to your place, okay, you get her inside, we leave your car, we take my car, you can tell her in the morning it was stolen.
CHARLIE: Yeah good, it was stolen.
HOWIE: Tell her in the morning, huh? I like the sound of that! [he walks over to the Porsche]
DEL: Alright, now look, then you and I are zipping back to New York.
CHARLIE: I thought we could hang out in New Jersey for a while.
DEL: What the hell for?
CHARLIE: Three words, my friend: mini-ature golf.
DEL: Charlie, it's raining.
CHARLIE: I know, but the windmills look pretty when it's raining.
RICHARD: So, we're going to kiss.
CAROLINE: It's kind of funny, we're always working so close.
RICHARD: Yeah, close.
A.D.: [through megaphone] On a bell! [a buzzer sounds] Rolling!
2ND A.C.: Scene twenty-four, take four.
JOHN: And...action.
[Caroline and Richard close their eyes but neither of them lean into one another]
ROBBY: We're never going to get a search warrant.
CAROLINE: Aren't you going to come in close?
RICHARD: I thought you were going to lean in to me.
CAROLINE: No, but you're the guy. You're supposed to-
RICHARD: Caroline, that's a very old-fashioned attitude.
CAROLINE: Yeah, well-
RICHARD: Come on, you're the one that's always talking about equality between-
[the A.D. walks over to them]
A.D.: Hi. Excuse me, we're rolling film here.
CAROLINE: Oh, I'm sorry!
RICHARD: Yes, of course, we're sorry.
A.D.: Well, if Brent and Fontaine are ready, we'll begin. [through megaphone] Rolling, back to one!
JOHN: Hurry up, people. Come on! [everyone gets back to their places] Okay...now, action.
ROBBY: We'll never get a search warrant.
[Richard and Caroline both lean in close but then Richard pulls away]
RICHARD: Cut!
ROBBY: Oh, no!
JOHN: I'm sorry, Robby. [to Richard] Excuse me, I believe I'm the one that says 'cut'.
RICHARD: I know that, sir, but don't you think that kissing in the movies is a little...overdone?
CAROLINE: Yeah, it is, it's done a lot, it's overdone.
RICHARD: Yeah. Did you ever see "Shoot the Piano Player"? Truffaut? He was a French film-maker. [John rolls his eyes and looks away] It's alright. Everything in that movie was said with just a touch.
CAROLINE: Yeah! Maybe he could just touch my hair.
RICHARD: Yeah, I could touch her hair, I could do that-
JOHN: [to the A.D.] Why are these people still speaking to me?
A.D.: Why are you people still speaking to Mr Landis?
RICHARD: Sorry.
JOHN: Let's keep the kiss, let's go again.
A.D.: [through megaphone] Keeping the kiss, let's go again!
[Richard and Caroline go back to their places]
CAROLINE: Oh, I don't know why this is so hard!
RICHARD: I know. It's just tougher than I thought, I mean, when you have to pretend to kiss somebody, it feels like you're actually going to...kiss them.
[pause]
CAROLINE: It's just a movie, it's make-believe, it's...
RICHARD: Right.
CAROLINE: It's not a real kiss, it's not real.
RICHARD: You're exactly right, you're exactly right. On a bell!
A.D.: On a bell! [a buzzer sounds] Rolling!
2ND A.C.: Scene twenty-four, take five.
JOHN: Action.
ROBBY: We'll never get a search warrant.
[Richard and Caroline lean in close but Caroline keeps turning her head from side to side]
JOHN: [really annoyed] CUT!
2ND A.C.: Now what's wrong?
JOHN: Sorry, Robby.
CAROLINE: I'm sorry, I just didn't know which side of the nose to go on.
JOHN: It really doesn't matter!
CAROLINE: Okay, um, I'll make a choice.
JOHN: You do that.
RICHARD: You see, we're not really professional actors.
JOHN: [sarcastic] Really?
CHARLIE: Del, tonight you've not just loaned your car to one loser. In a sense, you've loaned your car to all losers.
DEL: Charlie, our work here is done.
[they get in the car]
CHARLIE: Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed...
[they drive away]
DATE: Hey, someone's stealing your car!
HOWIE: It doesn't matter. Hey, is this a button or a snap here?
DATE: Well, if you're not going to call the police, I am!
HOWIE: Hey, wait a minute. Hold on, hey!
ANNIE: See that guy over there pulling the cable? He's called the...cable puller.
MARIA LOUISE: So, look Annie, thanks for calling. It was fun watching them make a movie, but I really got to pee, and then I got to get home, so I'll just-
ANNIE: Wait, Maria Louise, you have to stick around 'cause they're going to do the scene again.
[Robby enters]
ROBBY: Annie? Annie Spadaro, is that you?
ANNIE: Robby?
ROBBY: Oh...
MARIA LOUISE: He's Robby Benson! You really do know Robby Benson! [she shakes his hand] Hi, I'm Maria Louise Fanego.
ROBBY: Hi. Annie, I am so sorry about that Kiss concert thing. [Annie sighs and looks annoyed] I was working in Mexico, I was making a movie, and there was this freak rainstorm and it just washed out the roads. I was trapped for days.
ANNIE: Really.
ROBBY: Yeah.
ANNIE: Well listen, Rob, there are helicopters. You broke my heart! [she slaps him] [to Maria Louise] Let's go.
[they start to walk away]
ROBBY: Excuse me.
[Annie walks back up to him]
ANNIE: That was good for me, was it good for you?
ROBBY: No. You slapped me.
ANNIE: I'm sorry! I was acting, I was caught up in the moment... [Robby looks at her] You should keep that beard, it really works for you, it's great. [she exits, fast]
CHARLIE: Del...
DEL: What's his problem? I'm not speeding!
ROBBY: We'll never get a search warrant with evidence like this. Face it, it's all she wrote.
[they walk past the doorway; there are two people that look like Richard and Caroline standing there, kissing]
JOHN: Perfect! Cut, print. That's a rap!
[a buzzer sounds]
[cut to Richard and Caroline, who are watching the scene]
CAROLINE: Are they kidding? They thought that was a good kiss? She had her eyes open!
RICHARD: Did you sense any sexual tension at all?
[they look at each other]
CAROLINE: No. No, none at all.
RICHARD: Yeah, I mean...I didn't feel anything either. So...um, I should get the train.
CAROLINE: Yeah, I got to...go home.
RICHARD: Right. Goodnight.
CAROLINE: Goodnight.
RICHARD: Uh, on the bell! [Caroline laughs] Bye. [he exits; Caroline watches him for a moment, then walks away]