122: Caroline and the Bridesmaids

Written by Wil Calhoun & Bill Masters
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Melora Hardin as Beth
Tia Riebling as Vicki
Christine Romeo as Linda
Tony Carlin as Greg
Pat Finn as Steve
Kenneth Alan Williams as Eddie
John Mariano as Johnny
Olivia V. White as Mrs. Simmons
Jarret Lennon as Elliot

ANNIE: Hey, what do you call that hot stuff you drink in the morning?

CAROLINE: Coffee?

ANNIE: Yeah, I'd love some. [she takes Caroline's coffee cup and starts drinking out of it]

CAROLINE: Help yourself. Hey Annie, where were you last night? You were supposed to be helping me with these wedding favours.

ANNIE: Oh, sorry. We went out after the show to celebrate. You know, "Cats" is the longest running show on Broadway.

CAROLINE: I thought you celebrated that last week.

ANNIE: Well, now we're a week longer! Look, it's just an excuse to get hammered!

[Richard enters, wearing a beret]

RICHARD: Morning.

CAROLINE: Morning, Richard. How very continental.

ANNIE: Yeah, Pepe le Pew, what's up with the hat?

RICHARD: I'll have you know this hat prevents the loss of seventy-four percent of my body heat.

ANNIE: Causes eighty-six percent of your nerdiness. [she gets up] Later.

CAROLINE: Hey, Maid of Honour, could you do me a favour and take those wedding invitations down to the big post office and get stamps for them? The one around the corner only has Nixon.

ANNIE: You got it. [she walks towards the door]

CAROLINE: Aren't you forgetting something?

ANNIE: Oh yeah! Thanks. [she picks up the coffee cup and exits]

RICHARD: Let's just hope she doesn't try to mail it.

CAROLINE: Richard, remember when I promised my wedding plans would never interfere with our work?

RICHARD: Oh no, you're not going to put on "Four Weddings and a Funeral" and make me talk about that hat again, are you?

CAROLINE: Hey, you loved the funeral. No really, I can't work until I get this done. Annie and I were supposed to finish these goofy little Jordan Almond wedding favours last night, but she sort of-

RICHARD: Passed out drunk?

CAROLINE: I was going to go with 'flaked'. Come on.

RICHARD: Oh, well, considering what my usual job is, I don't know if I've fallen to new lows or risen to new heights.

CAROLINE: Well, while you're sorting that out, here. [she puts a square of pink netting fabric in his hand] What you do is you put a bunch of almonds in here, [she does so] sinch it up, and you tie it with this satin ribbon.

RICHARD: Caroline, not that it's any of my business, but if you don't like this silly wedding nonsense then why do you want to make little pink bags of almonds?

CAROLINE: Because it's easier than having a six hour conversation with my mother explaining why I didn't.

RICHARD: So, you getting nervous?

CAROLINE: I was at first, but now I see you can tie a great bow.

RICHARD: Come on, I mean about the wedding. I mean, it's getting kind of close, huh?

CAROLINE: Yup. [she looks at the almond bag Richard is making] Wait, wait, wait...

RICHARD: What?

CAROLINE: That's too many almonds. [she leans over to fix it up; he stares longingly at her, but she doesn't notice. Del enters from upstairs]

DEL: Honey?

[Richard jumps up and scatters almonds everywhere]

RICHARD: Del! Caroline, Del's here. Uh, we were just making party favours.

DEL: [dubious] Morning, Richard.

RICHARD: Hi. Salty! Salty! [to Caroline] Will she die if she eats these almonds?

CAROLINE: No.

RICHARD: [mutters] Damn!

CAROLINE: Hey honey, have you nailed down best man and your ushers yet?

DEL: Done. Ushers: my cousin Norman, Jerry, and Charlie.

RICHARD: You made Charlie an usher?

DEL: What was I going to do? He cried. And, as usual, my best man's going to be Greg.

CAROLINE: What do mean, 'As usual'?

DEL: Well, Greg and I go a long way back. He was my best man at my other two weddings.

RICHARD: Del, were you absent the day they taught 'Think it, don't say it'?

DEL: This...is a bad thing?

CAROLINE: I don't know, honey, it is your wedding too, but the whole idea of having the same best man three times in a row kind of has the air of...

RICHARD: I believe the word you're looking for is 'cooties'.

CAROLINE: Annie, that's the longest beep I've ever heard! Where are you? We're all here at the bridal shop, and you-

LINDA: [offscreen] Okay, we're ready!

CAROLINE: [on phone] Just get here as fast as you can. [she hangs up]

LINDA: Go, go!

BETH: Ow, that's my hair!

LINDA: Okay, okay, okay.

CAROLINE: Ready, you guys? [she starts humming the bridal march; Beth enters, carrying M&Ms, then Linda, talking on a cellphone, then Vicki, who is heavily pregnant. All of them are wearing pale pink bridesmaid's dresses] Wow. You guys look like...the Shirelles.

VICKI: I look like I ate the Shirelles.

CAROLINE: Hey, it could be worse. That could be your wedding gown.

LINDA: [to Beth] Could you be a dear and let me go first? I'm in the middle of a hostile takeover. Thanks!

[the bridal shop attendant starts working on her dress]

BETH: Well, Caroline, I love this dress. I tried it on for Steve - my new boyfriend - and he just thought it was the sexiest thing in the world. He practically ripped it off me.

LINDA: [looking at her dress] Caroline, aren't these a little pale?

CAROLINE: Yeah, I know, they're more like powder pink. I was thinking maybe salmon.

VICKI: Oh, don't say salmon. Just the thought of it.

BETH: So Vicki, you want a girl this time?

VICKI: I don't care, as long as it's shaped like a bullet. I cannot believe you are eating M&Ms. How do you stay so skinny?

BETH: Well, Steve - my new boyfriend - and I, we go to the gym every day, 'cause he has one in his building, and, well, I've been spending a lot of nights there!

LINDA: Okay Beth, we get it, you're having sex. Everyone, Beth is having sex with Steve.

BETH: So, I guess you guys don't want to see the pictures of us in Bermuda.

VICKI: Yeah, that's what I need to see - you in a bikini. Give me those. [she takes the M&Ms]

CAROLINE: Hey, that reminds me. Vicki, you were supposed to give me the name of your photographer.

VICKI: I gave it to Annie. Maybe if she ever shows up, she can pass it on to you.

CAROLINE: Hey you guys, go easy on Annie. She's been really busy lately.

LINDA: Doing what? She's in "Cats". She goes on stage, meows a couple of times, that's her day.

VICKI: Trust me, Caroline, you need a dependable maid of honour. Mine didn't know what she was doing.

[Linda turns around and gives her a look]

LINDA: [icily] Thank you.

CAROLINE: I'm sure that Annie has a really good reason for being late.

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Hi! Sorry I'm late, "General Hospital" was killer today. [she takes her dress and goes into the changing room]

CAROLINE: See? It was a medical emergency!

DEL: Now Greg, you understand, you still get to be an usher.

GREG: Usher? You want me to be an usher? Why don't you just stand me up in front of the other guys and rip the best man stripes off my tuxedo?

DEL: Greg, could you lower your voice?

GREG: This is so humiliating! I mean, what's your family going to think? 'Why isn't Greg the best man? He's always the best man!'

DEL: Actually, Greg, I think my family might be a little more focused on me.

GREG: Oh, it always comes back to you, doesn't it?

DEL: [on phone] No, Greg had to have an operation in...another country. So, I was thinking maybe you'd like to be my best man ... Great, yeah. Yeah, I'm really happy too, Norman ... Norman, don't cry ... Yeah, I love you too. [he hangs up] Jeez, you'd think I'd promoted him to bride. Honey, you almost ready?

CAROLINE: Yup. That makes a hundred and fifty.

RICHARD: [with a mouthful of almonds] Hundred and forty-nine.

CAROLINE: Thanks, Richard. [she throws an almond at him] So, you guys, how do I look?

DEL: You look fine. Hey, we're just going to check out a band.

CAROLINE: I know, but it's still somebody's wedding.

RICHARD: So they let you do that? You can just invade a wedding?

CAROLINE: Yeah, people do it all the time.

RICHARD: So, at any given reception, there are four or five people who are just auditing?

DEL: Wait a minute now, I got Norman all set for my best man, but I'm an usher short.

CAROLINE: Hey, why don't you ask Steve Milligan?

DEL: Steve Milligan. Oh, of Beth and Steve?

CAROLINE: Yeah. She's already one of my bridesmaids, I mean, they can walk down the aisle together. It'll be cute.

DEL: Yeah, I like Steve. He's a good-looking guy, he won't screw up the pictures. You know what? I'll ask him to jogging tomorrow, we'll talk about it then.

[they walk towards the door; the phone rings]

CAROLINE: Hey, Richard?

RICHARD: I got it last January.

[Caroline answers it]

CAROLINE: [on phone] Hello? ... Oh yeah, hi.

DEL: Honey, let's go.

CAROLINE: It's the bakery. [on phone] Wait wait, my friend was coming over with the deposit ... Spadaro. Annie Spadaro ... [disappointed] I see. Okay, I definitely want that cake. We'll be by in ten minutes ... Yeah, okay. Thank you. [she hangs up] Oh my god, you're not going to believe this, I mean-

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Hey, people. And Richard. Funniest thing, I went to the big post office, but I didn't have your invitations.

CAROLINE: Yeah I know, I mailed them. Is there anything else that I asked you to do that might've just slipped your mind?

[Del stands behind Caroline and pretends to mix cake batter]

ANNIE: Slipped my mind...no, no, I remembered. I picked up your shoes.

DEL: Shoes? How'd you get shoes from this?

RICHARD: Oh, please. How was she supposed to get cake from that?

DEL: I was mixing batter!

RICHARD: No no, cake is this. [he pretends to cut a slice and lift it up]

DEL: No... [he does his signal]

RICHARD: No, it's this...

[they argue in hand signals]

CAROLINE: Guys, guys, come on. [to Annie] You were supposed to bring the deposit to the bakery for the cake.

ANNIE: Well, it's no problem. I'll just do it tomorrow on my way to the theatre.

CAROLINE: No, don't bother. You're obviously too busy. Come on, Del, let's go. We're late.

DEL: See you later, guys. [he and Richard do their hand signals at each other, then he and Caroline exit]

ANNIE: Jeez, what crawled into her bouquet and died? She is so tense about all this stuff!

RICHARD: Yeah, you're right. I mean, what does it matter if they serve Ring Dings at her wedding reception? [he puts his coat and beret on]

ANNIE: I wish everybody would just relax. I do things at my own pace. The only thing that had to be done by a certain time was to take this cheque [she gets it out of her pocket] to the Plaza Hotel by five o'clock today.

RICHARD: [looking at his watch] Well, it's six fifteen. As they say in France, vous êtes screwed.

ANNIE: See, I did come here yesterday at five o'clock with the cheque. I didn't realise, however, that it was daylight savings time. I mean, I sprang backward, I fell forward, I'm...dyslexic! You're not buying any of this, are you?

MRS SIMMONS: Actually, it's creative enough that I'd like to, but when we didn't receive your deposit, we booked the Spellman bar mitzvah in the Blue Room.

ANNIE: You know, I don't think Caroline really cares what room she's in. Blue, green, plaid, any colour'll do.

MRS SIMMONS: If you'll excuse me-

[Annie turns around and shows Mrs Simmons her jacket]

ANNIE: I'm in the Broadway musical "Cats". I could get you house seats.

MRS SIMMONS: I work in the Plaza Hotel. I could get you house seats.

STEVE: An usher? Me? I can't believe you're asking me that, man. I'm flattered.

DEL: Steve, you're the first guy I thought of. So what do you say?

STEVE: Sorry man, can't.

DEL: What do you mean you can't? Your girlfriend Beth's already a bridesmaid.

STEVE: Well, that's the problem. I'm breaking up with Beth.

DEL: What?

STEVE: Yeah. Basically...I can't stand her. So you see how this whole walking down the aisle thing might be a bit uncomfortable.

DEL: I suppose there's no chance of you guys working it out?

STEVE: 'Fraid not. I wish I was over there right now, breaking up with her.

ANNIE: Alright Elliot, do we have a deal?

ELLIOT: Yeah. I suddenly had a little trouble learning my torrah portion, and my parents pushed my bar mitzvah back a week to the twenty-ninth.

ANNIE: That's a good bar mitzvah boy.

ELLIOT: Now, don't you have a little something for me? [Annie sneaks a Playboy magazine under the table to him; he looks through it] Alright! Today I am a man. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to my cello lesson by two.

[Annie grabs his watch and looks at it]

ANNIE: Oh my god, the bridal shower! [she exits]

ELLIOT: Excellent! What page?

ANNIE: Don't go in there, I didn't get Caroline out of the apartment yet. Just give me two seconds.

LINDA: You know, I told the other girls that you weren't going to be able to handle this.

ANNIE: Yeah yeah yeah, put it in a memo. [she pushes Linda into her apartment, then goes into Caroline's apartment. Richard and Caroline are there, working] Okay, sorry I'm late. Want to go to lunch?

CAROLINE: Annie, you were supposed to be here by one. I couldn't wait.

ANNIE: Well, don't eat this crap! [she picks up a box of Chinese food from the desk and throws it in the trash]

RICHARD: That was my crap.

ANNIE: In that case, bon appetite. [she picks it up and throws it back to him]

CAROLINE: Annie, look, I'm swamped. Why don't we just go out for coffee later?

ANNIE: No, no, we have to go now.

CAROLINE: Why?

ANNIE: I didn't want to tell you this, but I had a surprise planned for us after lunch. You know that thing you've been dying to try?

CAROLINE: Oh my god, don't tell me you got us into Alana's For Facials.

ANNIE: Yes! Alana's For Facials. Surprise!

CAROLINE: How did you do that? They're booked months in advance.

ANNIE: Well, someone died and then their really good friend had to go identify the body, so there were two openings.

RICHARD: Wait a minute, you're leaving me with all this work while you go off to get exfoliated?

CAROLINE: Oh, you're right, you're right. I'm really sorry, Annie, I can't go. I've got to work.

ANNIE: You know what, Richard? I feel really bad about ruining your lunch. [she tries to drag him outside]

RICHARD: No, that's okay.

ANNIE: So there's some lasagne outside.

RICHARD: What?

ANNIE: It's my mom's! She's famous for her lasagne. She makes it with noodles, and sauce...

[they go into the hall]

RICHARD: There's not any sausage in it, is there? Because-

ANNIE: Shut up, there is no lasagne! I am trying to get Caroline out of the apartment so that her surprise bridal shower can be set up in there.

[Beth enters from the elevator, holding a huge bunch of balloons]

BETH: [teary] Steve broke up with me!

ANNIE: Get over it! [she pushes Beth back into the elevator] Are you going to help me get her out of there, or is this just one more thing I screw up?

RICHARD: Hmm... [Annie hits him on the arm; they go back into the apartment] Mmm, that was good. I'll have to drop your mother a thank-you card.

[Annie pushes him over to the desk]

ANNIE: [to Caroline] Okay, let's get this coat on you, let's go let's go let's go!

CAROLINE: Annie, I can't. I have to get these cards to Del by five.

ANNIE: [looking hopefully at Richard] Richard will do it.

RICHARD: Uh, yeah, I can do it. I didn't want to say anything, but lately your pores have been looking a little gapey.

CAROLINE: Thank you, Richard, and have you ever heard of nose hair clippers?

ANNIE: Alana's warming up those mud masks.

CAROLINE: Okay Richard, I'll be back as soon as I can.

ANNIE: Come on, LET'S GO!

CAROLINE: Annie, what is wrong with you? I thought we were on the same cycle.

ANNIE: We are going to have so much fun! [she looks out into the hall and sees Vicki there] You crazy nut, you! [she grabs Caroline's head and pulls her down the hall so she won't see Vicki] I can't believe you're getting married!

DEL: So, Eddie, you've been at Cassidy Greeting Cards now for five years, and I consider us friends, and there's something I'd like to discuss-

EDDIE: Okay Del, I can't take it anymore. I can't sleep at night. I did it. I've been taking the petty cash. It's the damn ponies, Del. I can't catch a break!

DEL: I was an usher short for my wedding, I was going to ask you to fill in.

EDDIE: Oh. Sure, I'd be honoured!

[Del picks up the phone]

DEL: Security?

ANNIE: Nice talk, Alana. You kiss your mother with that mouth? [they start walking away] I can't believe she didn't have our appointment down. So, you want to go to Starbucks?

CAROLINE: Annie, that woman didn't know what you were talking about.

ANNIE: Yeah well, I guess I made the mistake of making the appointment in English. Hey, if you're not in the mood for Starbucks, we could go see a movie...as long as it doesn't take more than half an hour.

CAROLINE: Half an hour?

ANNIE: Yeah, we'll just see the previews, and then we'll get our money back. It's really fun, I do it all the time.

CAROLINE: I don't think so. I got to go.

ANNIE: Okay, I got one: let's go to the bakery and put a deposit down on the cake, 'cause I haven't done that yet.

CAROLINE: I already did that.

ANNIE: But why? I told you I would do it.

CAROLINE: Oh yeah, right, sure.

ANNIE: What do you mean 'Oh yeah, right, sure'?

CAROLINE: Like you said you were going to mail the wedding invitations, like you said you were going to help me with those Jordan almond thingys. Look Annie, I'm trying to work, and I'm trying to do all this wedding stuff, and you said you were going to help.

ANNIE: Well, if I'm screwing up your wedding, why don't you call Vicki or Linda, one of your other very perfect friends to be your maid of honour?

CAROLINE: I didn't say that!

ANNIE: In your repressed Wisconsin way, that's exactly what you said.

CAROLINE: Hey, don't put words in my mouth.

ANNIE: Okay, I'll put them in mine. I quit.

CAROLINE: Fine.

ANNIE: Fine. Fine, fine, fine. Hey, you know what? Fine! [she walks away]

LINDA: [into the bathroom] Vicki, when you're done throwing up, I could use a hand out here.

[Vicki groans]

BETH: [teary, to Richard] I mean, you're a man, so tell me, how could he love me one day and the next day he needs space? Doesn't he understand that I have feelings too? Did he take any of that into consideration?

RICHARD: If I give you all the answers, will you stop asking me questions?

LINDA: Listen, I really need you to hurry up and finish your little...'job', because under no circumstances will you be around when Caroline gets here.

RICHARD: Oh darn, I wanted to be here when blare the music and blow up the rubber doll. [he walks towards the door]

[Vicki enters from the bathroom]

LINDA: Oh, Vicki! Listen, the mulligatawny soup is cold. Could you zap it in the micro? Thanks. [she hands Vicki the bowl; Vicki gets a whiff of it, groans, hands it to someone else and goes back into the bathroom]

[cut to Richard and Beth, over by the door. Richard is putting his coat on]

BETH: [teary] I just don't understand Steve, I just don't understand!

RICHARD: That's funny. I don't even know Steve, and I understand. [he exits]

CHARLIE: Hey boss. Can I get you to sign off on this? [he hands Del a piece of paper]

DEL: Yeah, sure. What is it?

CHARLIE: It's a list of people I want to invite to your wedding.

DEL: Wait a minute. Charlie, I don't know any of these people.

CHARLIE: I know, I know, you'll meet them at the reception. They're friends of mine, and they're all very excited about seeing moi in a tux.

DEL: Charlie, you don't get to invite people.

CHARLIE: Wow. I thought as one of your ushers, I'd at least get a couple of comps.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Uh, Del?

DEL: Richard, what are you doing here?

RICHARD: I've got the Valentine's Day cards ready.

DEL: Oh, you didn't have to do that. I could've sent Charlie.

CHARLIE: On my way, boss. [he exits]

RICHARD: Charlie, Charlie...

DEL: No, Richard, let him go. Once he's locked into something, it's easier to just let him play it out.

RICHARD: Here you go. [he hands a pile of drawings to Del] These are a little late, I was caught in the middle of "Bridesmaids Revisited".

DEL: Hey listen, Richard. [he closes the door] Look, um, I know Caroline really appreciates you working so hard, getting all this done for her.

RICHARD: Well, it's my job.

DEL: Yeah, but usually you bitch a lot. Caroline's been pretty stressed out lately, and you really came through for her, and uh, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I really appreciate that.

RICHARD: Thank you.

[pause]

DEL: Wow, that was really...creepy. Look, what would you say if I asked you to be an usher at our wedding?

RICHARD: I'd say it was the pathetic last attempt of a...desperate man.

DEL: Fair enough. What if I told you it'd be a big favour to Caroline?

RICHARD: Del, being in a wedding party involves a lot of smiling, I don't think I'm your guy.

DEL: We'd both really appreciate it.

RICHARD: I'll think about it. But, if I say yes, we don't have to hug, right?

DEL: Tell you what: if you do this, you can have first choice of which bridesmaid you walk down the aisle with.

RICHARD: Oh, now there's a lovely option. Lethal injection, firing squad, or electric chair. [he exits]

VICKI: [looking out the window] Hey everybody, I just saw Caroline. She's on her way up.

CHARLIE: Caroline's coming too? Man, this is the best surprise party anyone's ever thrown for me!

LINDA: Hey, listen...crazy little man, for the last time, this party is not for you. Now will you leave?

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, this was just a coincidence. My birthday was seven and a half weeks ago today, Del sends me to pick up a package, it's not here, I arrive and discover a fiesta. No way, come on, I'm not an idiot!

VICKI: [listening at the door] Shh! Shh! I just heard the elevator. She's getting off.

[Caroline enters]

ALL: SURPRISE!

CAROLINE: Oh my god, you guys, this is so great!

LINDA: Hey, where's Annie?

[Caroline gets a sad look on her face]

CHARLIE: [holding up a lacey teddy he just unwrapped] Oh, thanks! You guys are nuts! Whoa!

JOHNNY: Poverina, you look so upset. You look just like that girl I saw in the movie last night.

ANNIE: Which movie?

JOHNNY: The one with the upset-looking girl in it. But she only had one finger. It starts off in a sawmill-

ANNIE: No, stop. Don't ruin it for me.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: Annie.

ANNIE: Howcome you're not at your bridal shower?

CAROLINE: Well, I'm not going to my bridal shower without my maid of honour.

ANNIE: Well, I don't know why you made me your maid of honour anyway. I've never been able to handle responsibility. When I was younger, it was always 'Oh, that Annie! You never know with her!' Now it's 'Ugh, that Annie. You never know with her'.

CAROLINE: Look, if you were this responsible person, you just wouldn't be Annie. Wait, I can say that better.

ANNIE: It's true, Caroline. Think about it. What if I want to have a life like yours, and meet the man of my dreams, get married, have kids, then I don't know, leave one of them at Jimboree for three days.

CAROLINE: First of all, the Jimboree lady would call you. Second of all, you didn't screw up everything, and third of all, we've got to get back to my apartment before Charlie opens all my presents.

ANNIE: Hey Caroline, sorry about all that stuff I forgot to do.

CAROLINE: Shut up. Come on.

[they walk towards the door. Annie grabs a cake off the counter; Caroline and Johnny look at her]

ANNIE: I forgot, I'm supposed to bring dessert.

[they exit]