114: Caroline and the Kept Man

Written by Jeff Abugov
Directed by Andrew Tsao

Guest Starring:
Ann Magnuson as Gina Pennetti Schmidt
Rose Marie as Stella Dawson
Gordon Jump as Himself
Don Perry as Mr. Douglas
Larry Thomas as Maitre d'
Scott Haven as Brent
Virginia Hamilton as Nurse Hutton
Alyson Kiperman as Alicia

ANNIE: You guys, it's just a commercial I happen to be in. It's no big deal.

DEL: Oh hey, guys, this is it! [he points to the TV]

[Commercial: Annie is walking past a construction site]

ANNIE: Ooh, I'm on fire down there... [several people give her a look] No, between my toes!

[cut to a product shot]

VOICE OVER: Doctor Furman's: fast cooling relief for athlete's foot and fungus. Available everywhere.

[cut back to the construction site. Annie is sitting down; a construction worker is putting Doctor Furman's on her feet]

ANNIE: Whoo! Thanks, Doctor Furman. You put out my fire. [she kisses the construction worker]

[cut to Caroline's apartment. Everyone cheers]

CHARLIE: Whoa, whoa, great commercial! Thank you so much for inviting me. [quietly, to Caroline] Do me a favor: lose my number.

RICHARD: Alright, I am out of here. Very nice fungus commercial, Annie.

ANNIE: Oh, thank you.

RICHARD: Call me when you book a yeast infection.

DEL: Hey, Richard! I almost forgot to tell you the big news!

RICHARD: Let me guess, Cindy Crawford wrote back.

DEL: [as if Richard is stupid] It's only been a week! I convinced my country club to display one of your paintings for two weeks.

RICHARD: [pleased] What?! [suspicious] Why?

CAROLINE: Okay, you're either trying to upset your father or impress a woman.

DEL: God, do you know me or what? [Caroline nods her head in agreement] Yeah, there's this girl, Alicia. Blond haired, blue-eyed, stacked, but uh, the thing is, she thinks I'm kind of shallow.

ANNIE & CAROLINE: [mocking] No!

DEL: So, I'm wracking my brains trying to think, how do I impress her, then it hits me! Tell her I know an artist! An unsuccessful one! A nothing! [he pats Richard's arm]

RICHARD: Thank you, Del. You know, actually, there will be a lot of rich people there and maybe one of them has taste.

ANNIE: And maybe one of the others will buy your painting.

[the phone rings, Caroline gets it]

CAROLINE: Hello?

[Del and Richard walk towards the door]

DEL: So Richard, look, let's go pick out one of your paintings. I'll bring it down to my club.

RICHARD: You know, actually, there's one that I just finished working on. I'm really proud of it. It's called "Cavalcade of Death".

DEL: Uh...got anything with boats? They like boats.

[they exit]

CAROLINE: [on phone] Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, Tuesday at seven would be great ... Yeah, see you then ... Okay, bye-bye.

ANNIE: Good! You're dating again. Good for you. Get back on that horse! Go girl!

CAROLINE: Annie, that's not it. I volunteered to read to the elderly. You know, I've been dating one guy after another for the last ten years. I want something more fulfilling in my life. I want something more meaningful.

ANNIE: Aw, that's really nice. Wanna go get drunk?

CAROLINE: Okay.

[they get up and walk towards the door]

DEL: Oh Richard, there you are.

RICHARD: Del, where is it?

DEL: Alicia, I'd like you to meet my starving artist friend-

RICHARD: Yeah, yeah, yeah, boola boola, whatever. Look Del, I have searched through every inch of this anti-semitic stronghold and I cannot find my painting. Where is "Cavalcade of Death"?

DEL: "Cavalcade of Boats"!

RICHARD: [sarcastically] "Cavalcade of Boats".

DEL: [to Alicia] Yeah, you see, I helped him name-

RICHARD: Hello, hello! I know I don't have breasts, but I'd like your attention!

DEL: Richard, I don't know where your painting is. It must be on a wall somewhere.

RICHARD: [sarcastically] On a wall! Gosh, I never would have thought to look there. [to Alicia] Make sure you get all your shots. [he exits]

ALICIA: What a horrible, contemptuous, little man! You really do know an artist!

[they exit. Annie and Caroline enter, followed soon by Richard]

CAROLINE: Richard, uh, look, we found your painting.

RICHARD: What? where?

CAROLINE: Before I tell you where, you have to promise to me that you'll look to the positive.

ANNIE: [bursting out] It's in the ladies room! [Caroline gives her a look] Sorry, I couldn't help it.

RICHARD: It's where?

Annie: [drawn out] In the ladies room. Ask me again, this is fun.

RICHARD: [mortified] Oh my god! [he runs off]

CAROLINE: Richard, it could be worse! I'd better think of how before he gets back.

[a man enters and looks at Annie]

MAN: Hey! I'm on fire down there.

ANNIE: Excuse me?

MAN: You're her, from the commercial. [into the other room] Hey guys, guess who I just saw. [he exits]

ANNIE: Wow! That's never happened to me before. I was recognized. You know, that's better than sex. [Caroline looks at her] Well, bad sex.

[cut to the ladies room. Richard enters and searches around for his painting. He breathes a sigh of relief as he spots it near the cubicles. He rushes into that area to get it; offscreen, a women screams]

RICHARD: I'm not looking, I'm not looking. Just go about your business. Well, not all your business. [he picks up the painting and notices something stuck to a corner] Oh, gum?! [he places it outside by the mirrors and proceeds to try and pull the gum off. Gina enters]

GINA: You know, even if you are in here with your mother, I think you're a little old.

RICHARD: I'm sorry, I'm just about to get this out of here.

GINA: That's quite powerful. If Van Gogh had been alive to be influenced by Picasso, this would have been his work as a virile young man.

[Richard looks at her]

RICHARD: I love you.

GINA: You must be the artist?

RICHARD: I'm Richard Karinsky.

GINA: Gina Penetti Schmidt.

RICHARD: Gina Penetti Schmidt, as in Gina on-loan-from-the-Collection-of-Gina-Penetti-Schmidt Schmidt? So, you really like it, huh?

GINA: I can't keep my eyes off of it. The brush strokes are so...so...what’s the word? [a toilet flushes] Fluid.

RICHARD: This is amazing. Gina Penetti Schmidt wants to buy one of my paintings.

GINA: Oh, I don't want to buy it.

RICHARD: Oh right, that would be a good thing. I almost forgot those things don't happen to me.

GINA: But the potential for greatness is astounding.

RICHARD: You think so? Here. [he moves the painting and picks up the box of tissues in front of it]

GINA: Richard, I like what I see. I want to see more. Where can I see your work?

RICHARD: Well um, I'm not exhibiting anywhere right now, except for being hung in a bathroom. [he realizes what he said and gives Gina a sheepish look as if to say, 'You know what I mean']

GINA: Maybe we should get together some time. I can help you, Richard. The same way I've helped a lot of young artists. Here's my card. [she gives it to him] Use it.

RICHARD: I will. Thank you. Thank you. [Gina exits; a lady comes out of the stalls, takes a tissue from his hand and gives him some change]

CAROLINE: Hi, I'm Caroline Duffy. I'm here to read.

NURSE: Oh, okay, lets see. [she looks at a clipboard] You're going to be reading to Stella Dawson. She's right over there by the space heater. [she hands Caroline a book]

CAROLINE: Thank you. [she walks over to the couch] Stella? Stella? [Stella doesn't wake up] ["Steetcar Named Desire" impression] STELLAAA!

[Stella jumps awake]

STELLA: Jeez! Like I haven't heard that my whole life.

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. [she realises who it is] Oh my g-

STELLA: You're the cartoonist! You found my husband's watch!

CAROLINE: That's right! You've got a great memory.

STELLA: Yeah. If only I had a great accountant, I wouldn't be living in this hole.

CAROLINE: No, no, no, it's nice. So, how is your husband?

STELLA: He passed away.

CAROLINE: Oh, I'm sorry. I know how that feels. I just lost my great aunt.

STELLA: What, you think because I'm old I want to hear about old people all the time? There's a black guy over there, why don't you go talk to him about Jackie Robinson?

CAROLINE: No, I-

[Stella stops her and points to a guy passing by]

STELLA: [whispers] Look at him. [she makes hungry growling sounds after he passes]

CAROLINE: Who is he?

STELLA: That's Wesley Douglas. What a catch! He's continent. Lords it over everyone.

CAROLINE: Well, if you got it, flaunt it. So, should we get started?

STELLA: Yeah, not this. [she takes book away from Caroline and gives her another one] This.

CAROLINE: Oh!

STELLA: It's a classic: "Tail of Two Cities".

CAROLINE: Gosh, I love this book.

STELLA: Yeah, and you're a doll for reading it to me.

CAROLINE: [reads] 'Rex slid his calloused hand down and liberated Raven from her underpants.' [she stops] You know, this isn't "Tale of Two Cities". [Stella shows her the front cover of the book] Oh! T-A-I-L!

STELLA: Just read the book.

CAROLINE: You know, Stella, this just kind of feels wrong...

STELLA: Well, if you want to take away the only joy that an old widow has from her sad and empty life...

CAROLINE: Okay, okay, okay. [reads] 'Raven soon found herself helpless as the Nordic blond pool boy revealed his powerful...monkey.'

STELLA: It doesn't say 'monkey'. Don't try to trick me. That's not what it says!

CAROLINE: Maybe not, but that's what I'm reading. 'His powerful monkey'... [she flips through the following pages] Okay, more monkeys...more monkeys...oh, a gorilla!

RICHARD: Here you see I've moved away from my blue period, into a more of a brown statement, because, um...brown was on sale.

GINA: [indicating the apartment] Maybe if you spent a little less on rent.

RICHARD: Oh, actually, I don't live in this apartment. I mean, I'd take you to my neighborhood, but you'd have trouble running in those shoes.

GINA: [looking at a painting] This one's very tentative. It's an earlier work than the others, right?

RICHARD: You can tell that just by looking at it?

GINA: Oh, yes. These are clearly the work of a man. This one, by a virgin boy. How old were you when you painted that?

RICHARD: Much older than I would have liked.

GINA: [looking at some other paintings] Yes...yes. Each piece grows more sensual than the last. Hmm, 'til you get to this period here, the one you say you began about a year ago?

RICHARD: Uh-huh.

GINA: Suddenly, your development comes to a crashing halt. What in your life changed in the past year?

RICHARD: Nothing, nothing. I got a job, but that certainly wouldn't have anything to do with it.

GINA: Tell me about the job.

RICHARD: Well, I work here. I work for a cartoonist, Caroline-

GINA: Caroline, ah. [she gives him a knowing smile]

RICHARD: What 'ah'? There's no 'ah', okay? Caroline is definitely not an 'ah'!

GINA: Good, then this is easy. Quit your job.

RICHARD: Quit? Oh, I get it. You think that my art will be worth more after I starve to death.

GINA: [writing a check] Richard, I love your sense of humor. Here, this should cover your rent for a month, plus a modest allowance. Now all you have to do is paint and grow.

RICHARD: This is incredible! Why would you do this for me?

GINA: Same reason I did it for Scharf and Herring. I'm a rich woman, with a good eye and nothing to contribute to the world except great artists such as yourself, Richard. Trust me. [she strokes his face] Your dreams will come true.

RICHARD: Wow, up until now my dreams have involved being tortured in a dungeon by my father and the Easter Bunny.

GINA: [pointing to one of his paintings] Then that would explain this.

LADY: Excuse me, aren't you that-

ANNIE: Yes, yes, that's me. I'm the 'I'm on fire down there' girl.

LADY No, I saw you steal my paper this morning. Do it again and I'll carve your heart out.

[Caroline and Annie walk out of the elevator]

ANNIE: [dismissing] Ah, fans.

[they go into their respective apartments]

[cut to Caroline's apartment. Richard and Gina are there]

CAROLINE: Oh, you guys are still here. I thought you were finished. I'll just go over to Annie's.

GINA: Hello, you must be Caroline.

RICHARD: Uh, yeah, Caroline Duffy, this is the Gina Penetti Schmidt.

GINA: [shaking Caroline's hand] My friends call me The.

CAROLINE: Well, it's such a privilege to meet you. [she looks at one of the paintings] Oh, Richard, is this a new one? It's so...so...what's the word? Really good.

GINA: [a little embarrassed] Thank you, Caroline.

CAROLINE: No, no, no, he is such an amazing artist-

RICHARD: Caroline...

CAROLINE: No, I mean, look at this. [she grabs one of the cartoon panels from the desk] He just colored this in this morning.

GINA: Caroline, you don't have to sell Richard's talent to me. I'm already sold. Well, I should be going.

RICHARD: Yes. [he runs to grab her coat]

GINA: [to Caroline] It's a pleasure to meet you.

CAROLINE: So nice to meet you.

[they shake hands]

GINA: Richard, we'll be in touch. [she blows him a kiss, then exits]

CAROLINE: Wow, she's one of those women who can get away with this... [she blows a kiss] I could never do that.

RICHARD: Caroline, you are not going to believe this. I can barely believe it myself!

CAROLINE: What?

RICHARD: Gina wants to sponsor me as an artist. She wants me to give up everything and paint full time!

CAROLINE: Oh, so um, you wouldn't have to...work. [she looks crestfallen]

RICHARD: Well...yeah, not here.

CAROLINE: [reluctantly] Wow, that’s a really great opportunity. Congratulations, Richard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I mean, I...I don't want to leave you in a bind. Of course I'll finish the last of these strips.

CAROLINE: No, no, I'll be fine. Go. Go get famous. [she puts her hand on his cheek and looks into his eyes]

RICHARD: Thanks. [he smiles ruefully] Uh, I'm going to stop by tomorrow because I have something for you.

CAROLINE: Oh, Richard, you don't have to give me anything.

RICHARD: Oh no, I do. It's all the art supplies I've taken from you since I've started working here.

CAROLINE: That's okay, I've been taking it out of your paycheck every week.

CAROLINE: 'Raven held the pool boy's head down in the deep end. He stayed down as long as he could hold his breath. When he came up for air, he smiled at Raven and said, "Well ma'am, that should clean the dead leaves out of your drain!" [they all laugh] "You're nothing but a cheap stud," she cried. Wounded, Rex shot back, "In that case, you can clean your own pool, baby. I quit!"' You know, I don't think Rex really wanted to leave Raven. I think he just quit because, you know, cleaning pools was something he did for money. It wasn't his dream.

STELLA: Is that in the book? 'Cause I'm bored.

[the dinner bell sounds]

NURSE: [from across the room] Dinner!

[everyone starts leaving the room; Wesley approaches Caroline and Stella]

WESLEY: You coming to dinner? 'Cause there's a place at my table.

STELLA: Why? Who died?

WESLEY: We'll find out at dinner.

STELLA: [laughing] Maybe next time.

WESLEY: Okay, more creamed corn for me! [he exits]

CAROLINE: Why don't you go with him? I thought you liked him.

STELLA: I do, but I couldn't. You know when my last first date was? The opening of Oklahoma.

CAROLINE: Wow, the movie or the play?

STELLA: The state.

ANNIE: 'Here's to putting your fire out. Best wishes, Annie Spadaro.' You're welcome. Don't linger, it's annoying.

[the man walks away]

CAROLINE: Hey, that's kind of cool. You're signing autographs.

ANNIE: Yeah, that's true. In "Cats" nobody ever recognizes me because of all that makeup. But now everybody knows me. Yesterday, an off-duty cab stopped for me in the rain. That guy asked me out at the country club. Get this: this morning I'm at the bank, I'm in line behind like fifteen people. A teller opens up a window, gives me one of these. [she illustrates by doing a 'come hither' signal with her index finger and winking]

CHARLIE: Wow, I usually get the other finger.

CAROLINE: Well, what about all the other people waiting in line?

ANNIE: They saw a celebrity. I brightened their day.

REMO: Are you okay here, or should we get another table for your head?

[Richard enters in a tux, with a bow-tie in his hand. Everyone oohs and aahs and whistles]

RICHARD: Hey, Caroline.

CAROLINE: You look great.

RICHARD: Yeah, so do you.

CAROLINE: How are things going with Gina?

ANNIE: Obviously great, she made him her butler.

RICHARD: We happen to be going to the Met tonight.

CHARLIE: Fashion 'no', tuxedos at a baseball game. [he shakes his head]

RICHARD: Not Mets, Charlie, Met.

CHARLIE: I don't think so, there's nine of 'em.

REMO: Richardo, can I get something for you?

RICHARD: No, Remo. Look, I just came by to see if you could tie my tie.

[Remo pulls his bow-tie out and snaps it back to indicate that it's on elastic]

REMO: Sorry. So, Richardo, I hear you're being kept by a very rich woman. You know, we have a word for that in Italy: lucky.

RICHARD: No one is lucky, okay? Nothing is going on. My relationship with Gina is purely about my art and my talent.

ANNIE: Richard, we've all seen you're art.

DEL: She wants to see your talent.

[Richard makes a move to leave the restaurant in disgust; Caroline chases after him]

CAROLINE: Richard, Richard, come back here. [she pulls him back, takes the tie and proceeds to tie it for him] You know what? I have met Gina and she really does appreciate his talent.

DEL: Oh yeah? Hey Richard, when she talks to you, does she turn her head like this? [he does a flirtatious head turn]

CAROLINE: No.

RICHARD: Well...yeah, actually she does, sometimes.

ANNIE: Does she kind of touch your arm or touch your shoulder when she doesn't really need to?

CAROLINE: No.

RICHARD: Well, no she does, but that's just the way she is.

CHARLIE: Has she offered you a great deal of money?

[collective groans and oohs]

ANNIE: You know, if you don't make your move soon, she's going to find another young artist who will.

DEL: She's right, Richard. Between you and me, if you don't - pardon my French - keep up your end of the bargain...

CHARLIE: Your French accent is terrible.

ANNIE: Look Richard, this woman wants you! She obviously has severe mental problems, but she wants you!

CAROLINE: No, no no no. [to Richard] Sit down, sit down. [she pushes him into a chair and attempts to finish putting on the tie] It doesn't matter what this woman wants. Richard is a man of integrity. He's not going to sleep with someone just because it might make him rich and famous and world-renowned. Even if she is beautiful and sexy, [she tightens the tie a little too much; Richard winces] Richard is simply above having any part of her sweaty little, tawdry love-fest, right Richard? [she does the up tie really tight, then walks off]

RICHARD: [gagging] I can't breathe!

CAROLINE: I'm back.

NURSE: Well, looks like you've been replaced.

[Caroline looks at Stella and Wesley on the couch]

WESLEY: [reading] 'And then Rex touched her soft pansy.' [he stops, confused]

STELLA: Put your glasses on.

[he does so, then re-reads the line to himself]

WESLEY: Oh...oh! [Stella shoos Caroline away; they give each other the thumbs up] 'She writhed in ecstasy as he rubbed coconut oil on her angry buttocks.'

[they laugh; Caroline exits]

RICHARD: Professor Brisson? You know how you said I'll never amount to anything and that I was a derivative hack? Well, I am at this moment riding in that back of a limousine with Gina Penetti Schmidt. [to Gina] Say hi.

GINA: [on phone] Hi.

RICHARD: So there. [he hangs up] Well, I guess I showed him.

GINA: You sure did, except you forgot to tell him your name. [Richard reaches for the phone; Gina stops him] Richard, you don't have to do that now. One day, riding in limousines will be second nature to you.

RICHARD: You really think so?

GINA: In just the two days we've been together, I've seen your growth returning. I look at your new work and I'm swept away by the passion and the sensuality of it. It makes me want to know you, Richard. [she puts her hand on his knee] Really know you. Do you understand what I'm saying?

RICHARD: [nervously] I think I do.

GINA: Good.

[Richard grabs her and begins kissing her; she struggles away and slaps him]

GINA: My God! What are you doing? Are you crazy!?

RICHARD: [holding his slapped cheek] Oh my God! Oh my God!

GINA: I didn't take this from Basciot, and I'm not taking it from you! Driver, stop the car. [she opens the door on his side of the car] Get out! [he does so; she throws his scarf after him. The limo drives off]

RICHARD: [mumbling to himself as he walks] Pain is good for art, pain is good for art. God, I hate my life. Pain is good for art, pain is good for art, pain is good...

BRENT: I'm sorry, they don't have our reservation. It's going to be a hour wait. You want to go somewhere else?

ANNIE: Hmm. I'll handle this, Brent. [to the maitre d'] Excuse me, I hate doing this, but do you know who I am?

MAITRE D': Oh, of course! You're the 'I'm on fire down there' girl. I love your commercial, and I haven't enjoyed one since 'Plop, plop, fizz, fizz'.

ANNIE: Could you see about getting us a table?

MAITRE D': I'm sorry, we have nothing.

ANNIE: [pointing] What about that table they're setting up right there?

MAITRE D': That's being saved for someone else.

ANNIE: But I'm the 'I'm on fire down there' girl'!

MAITRE D': [pointing to Gordon Jump, who has just entered] Yes, but he's the Maytag Repair Man.

MAYTAG GUY: [to the Maitre d'] Hey John, thanks for squeezing me in. [he walks over and sits at the table]

BRENT: Wow, I love him. I'm going to ask for his autograph. [he walks away]

ANNIE: Aw man, there's always someone bigger.

MAITRE D': Well, if it makes you feel better, I'd seat you before Mr Wipple.

CAROLINE: [surprised] Oh hi, Richard. What are you doing here?

RICHARD: I was uh, just wondering if I could have my old job back.

CAROLINE: Well, what happened to your benefactress?

RICHARD: Benefactress?

CAROLINE: I've been reading. What happened?

RICHARD: Well uh, we were sitting in the back of the limo, and uh...well, let's just say that woman could not keep her hands off of me, and as you said, I have way too much integrity to be a party to that sort of thing.

CAROLINE: Well, good for you, Richard.

RICHARD: Thank you. Let's get back to work, shall we?

[they both sit at the desk in silence for a bit]

CAROLINE: You came on to her and she tossed you out, huh?

RICHARD: Butt still hurts from hitting the pavement.

CAROLINE: Good to have you back, Richard.

RICHARD: Good to be back, Caroline. Oh, and by the way, I love that book.

[Caroline smiles in surprise]