Tobias: You are quite the cupid aren't you? I'll tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.
Michael: Okay…you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder. Record yourself for a whole day.
Michael: We're not here to talk nonsense with Bob Loblaw.
Maeby: Let’s just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.
Michael: Tell me the truth because there's been a lot of lying in this family.
Lucille: And a lot of love.
Michael: More lies.
Lindsay: (referring to George Michael) I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the whole concept.
George Michael: (about GOB) Why would he do that? Why would GOB sleep with my Ethics teacher?
Michael: Probably just to get even with me.
George Michael: How would that be getting even with you? I’m the one that likes her.
Michael: Right. Right. No, I know. You and I know that, but GOB, you know, he’s not that exact of a target shooter. He just kind of sprays it everywhere.
Lucille: I have fallen in love with Oscar. And it's so nice not to have to worry about getting pregnant. The doctor said I couldn't be a mother now if I tried.
Michael: And that was without even interviewing me.
George Michael: Don't you always say "family first"?
Michael: Yes, I do. But they are not a family, okay? They are a bunch of greedy selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael: She's not my real aunt?
Michael: Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was fourteen in a swimming cap; she looks like a falcon.
George Sr.: You don’t fire crazy. You never fire crazy.
Lucille: ...and I’m putting Buster in charge.
Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?
Lucille: (about Lucille 2 & Buster dating) She's been a family friend for years. It's just...creepy.
Michael: Mom, I think you might be overreacting.
Lucille: She changed him as a baby!
Michael: Okay, that...that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Buster: That's why she didn't look surprised.
Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?
GOB: “Illusion,” Michael. A “trick” is something a whore does for money (children gasp)... or candy!
Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I deceived you, Mom. "Trick" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Michael: How’s your job search coming?
Tobias: It’s good.
Michael: Yeah?
Tobias: It’s going to be good. It’s going to be good. I’m hoping the universe provides a path for me.
Lucille: I prayed that God take anything he wanted from us so that Buster wouldn't have to go to war.
Michael: Oh, mom. After all these years, God's not gonna take a call from you.
Lindsay: I have the afternoon free.
Lucille: Really? Did "nothing" cancel?
Lucille: I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
Michael: You seem more villainous than usual. Are you sober?
Lucille: Michael, it's 8 am.
Michael: So it's not that.
Lucille: I don't know. Maybe it's because I went off my postpartum medication.
Michael: You were still taking that? You had Buster 32 years ago.
Lucille: And that's how long I've been depressed about him.
Lucille: I wanna cry so bad but I don't think I can spare the moisture.
Michael: I knew you wouldn't have the guts to go through with the divorce.
Lindsay: You're one to talk. You haven't had a serious relationship since your wife. And you guys weren't even speaking toward the end.
Michael: A lot of that was the coma.
Lindsay: Yeah, I've heard your side of it.
Lucille: (about Lucille 2) She's trying to prove she's closer to my children than I am, but the joke's on her, because she doesn't realize how little I care for GOB.
Michael: That means the joke is on GOB.
GOB: My gut is telling me no...but my gut is also very hungry.
(Michael admitted Lucille into rehab)
Michael: I know that you're upset with me because I brought you here under false pretenses but I really was worried about you.
Lucille: Oh please. I've been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol is the reason I'm here, I've got news for you, bub. It's the only reason you're here too.
Lucille: When’s the last time you went on a date?
Michael: I just haven’t met anybody who’s not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with.
Lucille: If that’s a veiled criticism about me, I won’t hear it and I won’t respond to it.
GOB: I've got this Christian girlfriend now and she's trying to get me to be a better man and reconnect with my son and I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me and I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.
Narrator: After a disappointing attempt at lovemaking...
Tobias: And this isn't going to happen. I just want you to be satisfied.
Lindsay: Oh, T. You're always thinking of others.
Tobias: I tried that. It didn't work either.
Michael: I worked it out so we could relocate the cabin but it is gonna be up in Tahoe for another couple of days. Maybe you can take a date up there.
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: (long pause) The cabin. Yes. That would be difficult too.
Detective: (to Michael) Are you willing to take a polygraph to that effect?
Barry: (leans over to whisper in Michael's ear but loudly says) Are you nuts?!
Michael: (to detective) Not without a better lawyer.
Michael: Well you know you're free to go, pal. It's not like you made a commitment to this woman.
Buster: Well, I didn't make a commitment. I did refer to it as OUR nausea. But you know, that's when we were going at it reeeally hot and heavy!
Michael: Well, now it's MY nausea.
GOB: Well, I will tell you this, Michael... I don’t have a son...
Narrator: He does.
GOB: But if I ever do, I’m either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I’m going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I’m taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!
Narrator: GOB was growing up.
George, Sr.: Look, you got carried away. Hell, I-I’ve been, I’ve been so corrupted by my power that I even enjoyed firing my own twin brother. You should have seen his face when he was begging me not to. Well, he’s my twin brother. I can show you.
Michael: (into phone) Really? And all the guys like her, huh? That is, that is, that is great. Uh, you mean “away,” though, right? Because otherwise it sounds a little different, but, uh, that’s, uh, that’s outstanding. You forgot to say “away” again. But listen, let me call you back in a bit, okay? Bye. (hangs up) Nellie has blown them all away.
Beavis and Butt-head
Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.
Butt-head: Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!
Butt-head: If you, like, make out with a frog, then you turn into Prince.
The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard: We tried kissing but the earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles it was gonna move anyway.
Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Those would be men who just had sex.
Sheldon: [on studying in Germany] The local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
Leonard: I don't celebrate my birthday.
Penny: Shut up. Yeah you do.
Leonard: It's no big deal. It's the way I was raised. My family focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Wolowitz: I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Wolowitz: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
Sheldon: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
Wolowitz: When it comes to sexual harassment law, you could say I'm a self-taught expert.
Boy Meets World
Eric: What are you doing?
Morgan: Filling out college applications.
Eric: But, you're only in the third grade! You can't go to college.
Morgan: Cory said that if you can go to college, anyone can go to college.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
Burn Notice
Michael: [voice-over] Know what it's like being a spy? Like sitting in your dentist's reception area twenty-four hours a day. Read magazines, have coffee, and every so often, someone tries to kill you.
Caroline in the City
Richard: So, you're jealous of this guy.
Del: No, I just don't like the idea of a good-looking guy out with my girlfriend.
Richard: I know someone who's getting a dictionary for Christmas.
Joe: What are you working on?
Richard: Not throwing you out the window.
Joe: How's it going?
Richard: Not so good.
Annie: Richard can't drive.
Richard: This is true, but if you lay down in the street, I'll give it a try.
Caroline: And for my next trick, I'm going to make my boyfriend disappear. I say the magic word: Opera.
Chappelle Show
Wayne Brady: Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
Audience Member: Negrodamus, why is President Bush convinced there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
Negrodamus: Because he has the receipt.
Cheers
Norm: Once trust is out of a relationship, it's not so much fun lying any more.
(Norm coming in from the rain)
Cast: Norm!!
Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That's funny. I was just about to ask you the same thing.
Norm: Cliff, that's ridiculous. Dust is not 90% dead skin!
Cliff: Hey Frasier. What do you think happens to dead skin?
Frasier: Well, apparently, it sits on bar stools and drinks beer all day.
Rebecca: You slept with her?!
Sam: Oh C'mon...Who could sleep with all that sex going on?
Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
Diane's mother: (to Sam) ...you're almost as good looking as Diane says you think you are!
Lilith: I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you. In Hell!
Rebecca: Until I began eating clean, I never realized how a good a nice, dry ricecake could taste.
Woody: How can you eat those, Miss Howe? They don't have any flavor.
Rebecca: Oh, if I eat these, I will live longer.
Woody: Well, I have a question. You know how you're always talking about how you hate your life? How come you wanna make it longer?
Rebecca: Shut up, Woody.
Woody: Jack Frost nipping at your toes, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Yeah, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.
Woody: Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know. If she calls, I'm not here.
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody.
Sam: I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.
Diane: On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew!
Cliff: I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla: I don't think God's doin' a lot of bragging about it either.
Clerks - The Animated Series
(Police chief is dressed as a Big Mac sandwich at press conference)
Reporter: Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?
Police Chief: No - Yes. Look, does anyone have a question about the deadly virus that could kill all of us?
Reporter: Could the virus kill the Grimace?
Police Chief: Nothing can kill the Grimace!
Jay: I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.
Dante: What? Caitlin has a kissing booth, like for charity?
Jay: Yeah, only it don't cost nothing... and it's not for charity... and there's no booth... and it's more than just kissing... and you don't have to be a guy... Dude, she's cheating on you.
Walt: You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are going to have a sleepover after the fair at my mom's house.
Randal: Would you two stop it with the sleepovers already? You're in your mid-twenties, for God's sake.
Walt: You're just jealous that me and Steve-Dave are going to do bodypainting at the sleepover too, and play naked robber.
Steve-Dave, Randal, and Dante's eyes bug out.
Walt: Uh, I'll have you know that naked robber was one of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite party games.
(in courtroom)
Randal: Do you think Phantom Menace is as good of a movie as Empire?
George Lucas: Well, certainly! I think it's the best movie I've made yet.
Randal: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars, Obi-Wan tells Luke when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy?
George Lucas: Well, my kids thought...
Randal: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trains him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains him?
George Lucas: Um, well, the power of myth...
Randal: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but told people you had it written for years?
Lawyer: Objection! The pod race was pretty cool.
Randal: (after he fails to throw a can in the trashcan) That's weird, I could have sworn I got game.
Clone High
Gandhi to Abe: Numbers don't lie, man.
The number 4: (walks by) I'm number five!
--submitted by Alaina--
Voiceover at end of episode: Next time, on a very special Clone High - Will Abe and Joan's student films reveal their true emotions to each other? How will Scudworth get out of this dangerous pickle? What will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you, but I haven't seen the episode yet. They were supposed to send it to me, but this guy at work totally hates me. If he gets me fired, I'm going to kill his dog.
JFK: I'm trying to nail Catherine the Great, or should I say, Catherine the So-So.
Mr. Butlertron: Shouldn't you be saving some of this money for your secret plan instead of having me gold-plated and lowered?
Principal Scudworth: Don't get all up in my business, my hydraulically-outfitted friend. Why, I saw the first two-thirds of the MC Hammer Behind the Music and if there's one thing I learned about money, it's that it never runs out!
Principal Scudworth: If the world gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons!
JFK: Ask not what your student body president can do for you. Ask what you can do to your student body president's body.
Abe: I want to date Cleopatra. She's attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she's hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I admire her commitment to community service.
Joan of Arc: Ugh! Why do guys always go for giggly, vapid sluts?
JFK: Hark! I just heard a word that starts with an S, ends with an S, and has a "lut" inside. A "lut" of me!
The Closer
Brenda: If I liked being called a bitch to my face, I'd still be married.
Coupling (UK version)
Sally: But is it love or just the other thing?
Jane: Definitely love.
Sally: How'd you know it's not great sex?
Jane: You're here!
Susan: Is that Jeff?
Steve: Of course it's Jeff!
Susan: What do you mean, "of course"? He's with a woman! That's practically a disguise!
Jane: I thought you said your boyfriend was a surgeon!
Sally: He works in that general area, yes.
Jane: He works in my street! He's a butcher!
Patrick: What kind of illness was I supposed to have?
Sally: I don't know - whatever it is that connects a limp dick with a limp brain.
Patrick: There is no connection between my dick and my brain!
Harry: I'm so sorry. May I just apologize from the very depths of my being for thinking you would have even the slightest interest in anything I have to say.
Jane: Don't be silly! It was an honest mistake.
Jeff: There's a supermodel who shags total prats and I don't know where she lives.
Patrick: A volkswagen right through my front door!
Steve: What does a volkswagen got to do with relationships, exactly?
Patrick: My girlfriend, she was driving it, right into my living room. Could've killed someone.
Jeff: Is she all right?
Patrick: She was furious! I was upstairs.
Patrick: Generally, I don't like to use the word "girlfriend" in case it's mistaken for affection. But Jennifer is different.
Steve: Different how?
Patrick: She doesn't like me that much. She even sees other people. For once in my life, I'm in a relationship and I don't have to worry about my exit strategy. Isn't that great?
Steve: Your DNA must cry itself to sleep at night.
Jeff: It's funny watching you putting your clothes...on. It's like the opposite of...good.
Wilma: How can you say it wasn't a serious illness if she died of it?
Jeff: It was an unsuccessful recovery!
Susan: I never really thought of Patrick as dreamy. It's not like his mind is that active during the day.
Jeff: Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray? Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads, they would kill us all on the spot.
Jeff: Maybe you've fallen into a relationship thing.
Steve: Thing? Yet you have 8000 words for breasts.
Jeff: And counting.
Steve: Look, it is not physically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. Which is very unfair. Because you always know what we want.
Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the common decency to only ever want one thing. And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Never!
Criminal Minds
Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do.
Morgan: When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Hotch: This morning at breakfast.
Gideon: Yesterday, when he beat you at cards.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Nick: Most people don't admit when they're wrong.
Grissom: I'm wrong all the time. That's how I eventually get to right.
Hodges: How old were you when you first got drunk?
Nick: Oh, 16.. 17..
Hodges: Amortized over a generation, 12's about right?
Nick: So you're saying, two generations from now, four-year-olds are just gonna be getting trashed?
Hodges: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Donald: You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew!
Larry: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish!
TV quotes: A-C // D-J // K-P // Q-Z
Last Comic Standing // Title List
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Last Updated: February 15, 2009