Kids In The Hall
Prosecutor: You ate 112 of your fellow passengers. You could have eaten just one, but no you ate a little bit of each passenger. Why?
Guy on Trial: your honor, I am not an experienced cannibal. I did not get on that plane expecting to eat anyone. I simply tasted a little of each in the hopes that the next would taste better!
Scott: I was in the corner reading my lines...or maybe I was doing a line.
(Simon is under a truth spell)
Hecubus: Now, Master, tell me, do you like 16-year-old girls?
Simon: No, I do not... LIKE 16-year-old girls. That would be wrong.
Hecubus: Then let me rephrase the question...
Simon: Oh, you bastard!
Dave: I was born in that house. And you know what? I intend to die there. Oh, I don't live there any more, but that's where I'm going to die. Die in the house where I was born. Sort of a dream of mine. So, whenever I'm feeling a little bit sick, I just come down here. You know, just in case. Right now, I've got a bit of a cold, but it could escalate.
"Everytime I come to this city, some guy picks me up at the bus station, takes me to a Leaf game, gets me pissed, then tries to blow me. Why can't people like me for me?"
You smell that? That's the smell of spring, and I love it. You know what I love to do in spring? I love to come out into the woods, to walk amongst the budding trees, to smell and taste the hint of renewal that hovers in the air like a heady perfume, and to listen to the song of the birds who have returned from their long sojourn south. And bury the people I killed during the winter.
The Larry Sanders Show
Hank: How would you feel if I started dating Beverley?
Larry: I'd say it was your business, your life.
Hank: Well I'm not into interracial dating, it never works. Sex is good but, in the morning, cultural differences start to raise their ugly heads.
Larry: I believe the cultural differences would occur with you and any woman, Hank.
(There's a dog expert on the show)
Hank: My dog has a particular problem. He can never stop... licking himself.
Larry: I believe that's learned behavior. When you stop, the dog will stop.
Artie: [to a janitor] Dimitri, my man, you and I both clean up shit for a living. The only difference is my shit talks back.
Larry: You know in fact, Hank, what I was thinking was next year when we have the going away party, let me and Artie take care of the stripper because we can probably find one that doesn’t know ya.
Last Comic Standing
Rich Vos: There was a rumor going around that other people were gonna vote for Sean. I know nothing about this rumor, even though I started it and made it happen.
More from Last Comic Standing
Law & Order
Det. Logan: My mother used to hold a rosary in one hand while she beat me with the other. The next time I enter a church, six of my closest buddies will be carrying me.
Det. Briscoe: Love - a dangerous disease instantly cured by marriage.
Det. Briscoe: I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker's that means that they watch you commit suicide.
McCoy: Shelly Cates could convince a jury that Jeffrey Dahmer had an eating disorder.
Mrs. Ramos: Miss Virginia is very, very kind. In this house, she is a saint.
Det. Briscoe: Well, now it's official because somebody killed her.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
ADA Alex Cabot: Well, he wouldn't be a single parent if he hadn't killed his wife.
ADA Alex Cabot: Thank you. You've presented a provocative theory. What it lacks in substance, it makes up for in pretty colors.
Det. Munch: Do you know how many dogs die each year in locked cars?
Det. Fin: Do you know how many cops shoot their partners and get off on a justifiable?
Living Single
Max: You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Maxine Shaw.
Kyle: That's because evil never sleeps.
Max: [eyeing Kyle] But ugly gets plenty of rest!
Khadijah: Synclaire, this is a Queen-sized bed. That means it's for the QUEEN.
Looney Tunes
Bugs: I know this defies the law of gravity. But, you see, I never studied law.
Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Fate? Ha! That's what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over!
Married...with Children
Al: How am I gonna pay my bills?
Bud: Well, if Kelly ever graduates, we're gonna have a heck of a lawsuit against the Board of Education.
Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.
Al: This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week.
Al: If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you have to leave.
Al: Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map.
Al: Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.
Kelly: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.
Jefferson: I don't want to live with Marcy anymore. She wants sex all the time. I mean, sex with your pregnant wife is like putting gas in the tank of a car you already wrecked.
Al: Thank God my wife pulls into self-serve.
Al: Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
Al: People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.
Al: Let me tell you something about sharing. Don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of that.
Al: Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.
Al: Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Bud: Luscious hooters?
Al: No. That's what I should have been thinking about, but no.
Peg: Did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet so far.
M*A*S*H*
Potter: When you love somebody, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it: either stop loving 'em, or love 'em a whole lot more.
Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
Over Loudspeaker: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
Over Loudspeaker: Attention. A jeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double.
Over Loudspeaker: Attention. Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at oh-nine hundred hours. Any nurse wishing to be the bride please contact the captain. No experience necessary.
Over Loudspeaker: Attention all personnel. Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone knows the whereabouts of tonight's entree. In the meantime, please be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. He is reported to be unarmed and considered to be delicious.
Burns: May I join you for some pleasant conversation?
Houlihan: Sure, why don't you sit down and keep your mouth shut.
Hawkeye (to Burns): How would you like to be the first kamikaze surgeon?
Honeycutt: Do a lobotomy on yourself.
Honeycutt: Tell the General I would offer him dinner, but, as a doctor, it's not for me to endanger his health.
Hawkeye: I always feel patriotic after OR. My whites are covered with red and it gives me the blues.
Potter: I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.
Burns: I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot?
Burns: Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.
Burns: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place, sir.
Hawkeye: I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades.
Trapper: What happens in the event that figure A is attracted to figure B and wants to get married, but figure A is already married to figure C and figure B is engaged to figure D, but figure A can't keep his hands of figure B because she's got such a great figure?
Flagg: Don't play dumb with me. I'm better at it than you are!
Radar: (typing a letter) As usual, I am writing slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
Father Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen!
Burns: Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?
Trapper: It saves time, Frank.
Flagg: Who is your second in command?
Trapper: Frank Burns, M.D.
Hawkeye: Maniac Depressive, it's an honorary title.
Hawkeye: Frank, hold still. (smacks Frank with a magazine)
Frank: Did you get it?
Hawkeye: Get what?
[Reading a letter that Hawkeye threatens to send to Frank's wife.]
Radar: Dear Mrs. Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who.
Blake: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.
Winchester: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool. East wind, latrine.
Winchester: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
Flagg: I've got to nip this guy in the bud! This sort of behavior is contagious, you know! One guy decides he's not gonna fight anymore, it catches on, and pretty soon you know what we've got?
Honeycutt: Peace?
Winchester: (about Hawkeye) Why this constant preoccupation with sex?
Honeycutt: Lack of occupation with sex.
Winchester: It can't be a good idea if you had it. Now, if a good idea ever does present itself, you will be the last to know about it, and I will be the first to exploit it.
Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Father Mulcahy: Why do you say that, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Simple, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is full of them.
Melrose Place
Matt: How can you stay with a woman who tried to kill you?
Michael: Do I judge your lifestyle, Matt?
Sydney: Kill Michael? Why should we kill him?
Kimberly: Sydney, you are looking at human garbage who would have run you over as soon as look at you. When Michael's dead, God's going to do a jig.
Kimberly: Broken ribs, hmmm, I'm surprised. I told those guys to break your arm.
Matt: Don't try to take credit for this. You had nothing to do with this. It was a hate crime.
Kimberly: You bet your butt it was. I hate you.
Sydney: (about Kimberly) What's happening in her world is not exactly happening in ours.
Jake: Why is it that every time a girl doesn't show up at night, people think she's at my apartment?
Michael: When I buy a woman a closet full of clothes, it's because I want to see her naked.
The Monkees
Mike: Welcome to Swineville, Peter, a happy, sleepy, little hillbilly town where seemingly innocent, nice, naive people turn just like that [snaps fingers] to a vengeful, hateful mob!
Peter: How do you know that?
Mike: Because these are my people.
Peter: Don't worry, Natasha. I won't let them take you away. I'll fight to the death to protect you!
Davy: But Peter, she's a big star! This could lead to an international incident... maybe war! The whole world could be destroyed!
Peter: Don't worry. If the whole world is destroyed, I'll take the responsibility.
Micky: With a little more ego, he can be President!
Philo: I want you to meet Luthor Kramm. Mr. Kramm gave you "Beach Party Honeymoon".
Peter: You didn't give it to us! We had to PAY for it!
Mike: Yeah! It cost us eighty cents at the drive-in!
Kramm: Well it was worth it, wasn't it?
Mike: Um... you owe us sixty cents.
Muppet Babies
Scooter: What happened, Fozzie?
Fozzie: Rowlf went into the closet to think about my joke. He'll probably come out when he thinks it's funny.
Skeeter: Boy, we'll never see him again.
Fozzie: Yeah...Huh?
My So-Called Life
Rayanne: People throwing themselves at people is, like, the basis of civilization.
Angela (Voice Over): Love is when you look into someone's eyes and suddenly you go all the way inside, to their soul, and you both know instantly. I always imagined I'd fall in love nursing a blind soldier who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought at least by the age of 15 I'd have a love life, but I don't even have a like life.
Rayanne: Let's ignore Angela. She can't help herself. She's the product of a two-parent household.
Rickie: If you were about to do it, okay, what would you want the other person to say, like, right before?
Rayanne: "This won't take long."
Rickie: No, seriously.
Rayanne: "Do I know you?"
Rickie: No, like, for real. Like, romantic.
Angela: "You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you."
Rayanne: "It hurts to look at you"?
Rickie: How'd you think of that?
Rayanne: Where would it hurt?
Angela (VO)- I just can't bring myself to eat a well-balanced meal in front of my mother. It just means too much to her.
--submitted by Robert--
Danielle (VO)- My life is different people kicking me out of different rooms.
--submitted by Robert--
Angela (VO): My parents keep asking "How was school?" It's like saying "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was - you're lucky to get out alive.
Angela (VO): This life has been a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received actual instructions on where to go and what to do.
Brian: Let's say you're deciding between two particular patterns, and one of them you definitely know that you really like. And the other one is nice wallpaper and all, but you're not sure if it's really...
Graham: For you.
Brian: Exactly. But the really great wallpaper, let's say, is like totally out of your price range. So, do you take the other wallpaper, even though you don't, let's say, desire it that much? Or do you wait until the really great wallpaper is cheaper.
Graham: Well, I guess it depends on how badly you need wallpaper.
Brian: I would say pretty badly.
Angela: (VO) Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy she might be better at actually being happy.
Angela: (VO) My dad thinks every person in the world is having more fun than him. Which could be true.
Rayanne: "Potential slut"? Now where do people get an idea like that about me?
Rickie: Research.
NewsRadio
Bill: Don't try to confuse me with the facts.
Jimmy: Say, Dave, is your mom still married to that guy? What's his name?
Dave: My dad? Yes.
Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
Dave: Once again, I'll have to ask you to ignore Bill. Looking around, I see you're two steps ahead of me.
Bill: There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, I never liked you - get lost.
Bill: It's like my father used to say... when I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child... and when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot.
Lisa: Something's wrong with Bill. (Dave gives her a weird look) Well, I know, obviously.
Beth: My mother always said I had a pretty singing voice
Bill: Well, my mother made me wear a dress until I was 9. They make mistakes.
Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then I still don't care.
Beth (to Joe): You can be stupid
Lisa (overhearing): This is the saddest afterschool special I've ever seen.
Jimmy: Getting millions out of a corporation is nothing. Getting almost 50 dollars from a secretary who's gonna be brown-bagging for the rest of the month - now that's something to write home about.
Joe: One of the reasons we encouraged you to go to therapy is so you wouldn't talk to us about your stupid problems.
(Dave gives nicotine patch to Bill)
Lisa: Don't you need a prescription for those?
Dave: Yeah, I went to my doctor this morning and had him prescribe them for me.
Lisa: But you don't smoke.
Dave: Yeah, but I told him that I was thinking about starting. You know, I don't think he's a very good doctor.
Dave: I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does.
Bill: A complaint about the complaint box? Delicious!
(reading from the complaint box)
Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe: Hey!
Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I like it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave: Oh. Refrigem---oh, then that one's legitimate. [continues reading the complaint cards] Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
All: SHAFT!
Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.
Lisa: Where did everybody get the idea that I’m some sort of office supply whore?
Beth: This is like that episode of Star Trek where they enter a parallel universe where everything's the same except the whole crew is on heroin.
Dave: (to an unconscious Jimmy) Lisa has decided that she wants to have a baby but that she doesn't want to get married. Now I know that if you were awake you'd probably say something like, "Well son, why milk the cow when you've got a fridge full of steaks." And I would probably say, "That makes absolutely no sense, sir." And then I'm sure you would say, "Well it sure sounded like it made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie China Town." And I of course would say, "Well sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in the movie China Town." And I'm sure you would come back with, "Well Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job." And I would say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two guys." And I'm sure you would then come back with, "Dave, just 'cause the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."
(translating from English to Japanese to English)
- Jimmy: I had a small house of brokerage on Wall Street. Many days no business comes to my hut. Jimmy has fear? A thousand times no! I never
doubted myself for a minute, for I knew that my monkey-strong bowels were girded with strength like the loins of a dragon ribboned with fat and the
opulence of buffalo... [pauses while turning page] dung.
Jimmy: Cuz Jimmy's got great plans, and pants to match.
Lisa: Okay-
Jimmy: What's the constitution of the United States?
Lisa: Uh, documents -
Jimmy: No! It is an advertisement! An advertisement for liberty! I mean that's right up there with 'Put a Tiger in Your Tank' and 'Where's the Beef?', don't you understand?! I'm sorry, I gotta go get some air.(when he finishes getting some air) Heck, if it wasn't for advertising, do you know what you two would be doing?! You two would be giving out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledges, except they wouldn't say 'Sesame Street' on them, oh no they wouldn't say that, that would be...
Lisa: Ad -
Jimmy: Advertising! That's right, hell, if you two had your way, there probably wouldn't be any Sesame Street, would there?! Would there?!
Lisa: Dave -
Dave: Just reading some ads, not involved at all.
Jimmy: Yeah, that's right, there'd be no Ernie would there? No no, there'd be no Bert, bye-bye, bye-bye to Grover, bye-bye to Cookie Monster, no there'd be no Snuffelupagus, and there ain't no Oscar the Grouch! (leaves room, then returns again)Not to mention Kermit the Damn Frog!!
Matthew: Wait a minute! Big Bird's not on our side?
Dave: You know, I don't know what caffeine does for you but I'm pretty sure without it, your head caves in.
Dave: Why would you ask for a raise so big it would cripple the station?
Bill: Greed.
Dave: And what has that greed gotten you?
Bill: Money.
Dave: And what can that money ultimately buy?
Bill: Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!
Matthew: Hey, what part of Africa are you from?
Catherine: Shut up.
Matthew: No, seriously, say something in African.
Catherine: Shut the fu-
Dave: According to these figures, it seems that when Bill's show comes on, people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather then risk hearing another second.
Bill: Is Matthew superior to me?
Dave: You mean genetically?
Bill: No, in the office.
Dave: No.
Bill: What about genetically?
Dave: Well, he is ambidextrous.
Bill: Freak.
Bill: My essential position is the same.
Dave: No, in fact it's the complete opposite.
Bill: Yes, and opposites attract, don't they?
Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd probably just get together and push me.
Jimmy: I got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants.
(How to throw an election)
Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that and any other questions you have in almost pornographic detail.
Dave: Have you ever heard the expression that when life gives you lemons, you should just make lemonade?
Bill: Great. I knew it. Four days in the mid-west and you've already reverted right back to what you were.
Dave: No, this is who I am, Bill. I'm...I'm a polite, reasonable, friendly person.
Bill: You're like one of those trained police attack dogs they set loose in the wild and it goes all soft and gets eaten by a deer or something.
Dave: What?
Bill: Have you ever heard the expression: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place.
Dave: I just, I wish you could be here long enough to get the full mid-western experience.
Bill: Maybe another time.
Dave: That would be great because I think...I think a good hunting accident would really open up your mind.
Bill: Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically-correct bra?
Jimmy: Don't you want to know why I came through the window?
Dave: I'm trying to let my curiosity take a backseat to my sanity.
Dave: It's just lunch, you and I go out to lunch all the time.
Lisa: Yeah at my apartment...and we don't even eat!
Dave: Well, at least we're staying trim.
Jimmy: I didn't think motivation was important either until I got involved with some motivational seminars that really...really changed my life.
Dave: Really? That surprises me. I didn't think you were the sort of person who would attend one of those.
Jimmy: I don't. I put them together. Pack a few hundred suckers into a hotel ballroom, hire an out-of-work actor to paraphrase the opening scene from Patton, charge them 500 bucks a pop and BOOM!
Jimmy: Dave, don't mess with a man with a Wayback Machine. I can make it so you were never born.
Mr. James: Be careful, Beth, because the stock market can be a cruel mistress.
Beth: Well, so can I, but that's not how I want to make my money anymore.
Night Court
Dan: Objection!
Harry: Overruled.
Dan: Exception!
Harry: Noted.
Dan; Frustration!
Harry: Vented.
The O.C.
Sandy: Since the minute you were born, I knew that I would never take another easy breath without knowing you were all right.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?
Seth: I thought that you didn't do girlfriends. I mean, you did 'em...
Anna: So, this is your crib. This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by Magic, you're referring to the card game, then sadly, yes.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Sometimes I do.
Seth: The only thing more fun than a raffle is...anything, really.
(Luke is singing loudly and off-key at a concert)
Seth: Hey Luke, who sings this song?
Luke: ROONEY!!!
Seth: Why don't we keep it that way?
Kirsten: Julie, we are smart, sophisticated women. We don't need strange men dancing in front of us to be entertained.
Julie: I'm not as smart as you.
Julie: It's Vegas! You get strippers as a side with your entree.
Julie: Pleeeeease? Just one little stripper, who never hurt anyone, just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
Julie [to Kirsten and Sandy regarding lunch]: You guys want to join us? We're celebrating my new position.
Sandy: Oh, I'm not going to touch that one.
Ryan: Do you snore?
Marissa: No. Well, I don't think so. I've never actually slept with someone before.
Ryan: Me either. I'm usually climbing out the back window or back into the front seat.
Seth: I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I want to marry the hotel and have little alcoholic, gambling-addicted kids with it. Is that wrong?
Seth: How much vomit? Like the little girl in 'Sixth Sense' or the fat guy in 'Monty Python'?
Ryan: How'd you make it all the way to Portland from Newport on that tiny catamaran?
Seth: Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. It was a long and torturous journey, and I'm not gonna share the gory details with you—
Ryan: Please don't.
Seth: —'cause we're friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.
Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No. That would have required you to speak to me. Or anyone to speak to me.
Jimmy: (reminiscing) My parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't break up with you.
Julie: You never told me that.
Jimmy: Why hurt your feelings?
Julie: What did you tell them?
Jimmy: I told them to go to hell. I told them I was in love with you. I was.
Julie: Well, I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.
Jimmy: Jules, come on, you're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.
Jimmy: Your mother has to wake up every morning and be Julie Cooper. That's punishment enough.
Ryan: Drinking, crying, cops, well it must be Christmas.
Kirsten: He's a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it! That was more vague.
Julie: I think it's time you left. This town's only really big enough for one manipulative bitch.
Seth: Not now, Mom, I'm studying naked.
Summer: Ew!
Seth: Summer? Come in!
Summer: No way!
Summer: Go away, I'm studying... naked!
Seth: That's supposed to keep me away?
Summer: Cohen? You're at my house!
Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.
Sandy: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.
Summer: Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain?
Marissa: Lord of the Rings?
Summer: Yeah.
Taylor: Summer, getting a man is like capturing a wily silverback gorilla in the Ugandan highlands. You see, nature is telling that gorilla to stay in the wild. But you and I know that that gorilla would be much happier back in the zoo on a normal feeding schedule. But sometimes he's just got to roar and beat his chest before you shoot him with a tranq dart.
Summer: We're not having sex, by the way.
Seth: Excellent. There's not enough pain and suffering around us already.
Kirsten: How was your date?
Julie: Oh, it was awful. We totally didn't click, we had nothing to talk about, his tongue was like sandpaper.
Julie: Oh no. I don't do oysters. If I'm going to swallow something that disgusting, there better be something in it for me.
Kirsten: Dr. Woodruff said I should confront my fears and mine is my cooking.
Sandy: Mine too. So we'll confront your cooking together.
Seth: I think one day, pretty soon, we're all gonna have a good laugh about this. Ha ha ha. I know that day feels far off, but comedy is just tragedy plus time.
Ryan: There's some guy who wants to meet you in the master bathroom. Something about getting a thong off.
Alt-Julie: Ooh! That's charity talk. Thong is an acronym for The Homeless of Newport... Go. Or something
The Office (UK version)
Gareth: (attempting to convince Rachel to dump Tim) He's a weird little bloke! Look at his cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. His rubbish clothes! It makes me think there must be something wrong with you for a start, but yet in my head I'd still do you so I'm confused.
Tim: No, I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don't have one. Which is very good news for the ladies - I am still available. I'm a heck of a catch, cos, er, well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I've had since, yep, since I was born. That's seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue, ladies.
David Brent: Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel.
Tim: We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?
Gareth: If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.
Tim: What if he was coming, really hard?
Gareth: Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.
Dawn: And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind?
Gareth: Either way's easy.
Dawn: So you could take a man from behind?
Gareth: Yeah.
Dawn: Lovely.
David Brent: I'm angry, and not because I'm in it, but because it degrades women. Which I hate.
The Office (US version)
(TH) is Talking Head, or when the character is speaking directly to the camera.
Pam (TH): I suggested we flip a coin but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
Jim (TH): Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well if this were my career? I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Michael (TH): I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.
Dwight (TH): I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Dwight (TH): Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Michael (TH): Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth."
Michael: "Hug it out, bitch." That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, in doing so they just let it go, and walk away, and they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I've found. Doesn't translate.
Creed (TH): I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties, I made love to many, many women - often outdoors, in the mud and the rain...and it's possible a man slipped in. There'd be no way of knowing.
Jim: Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's... did you see it?
Pam: No, I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Michael (TH): Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's not really a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's not really part of his family.
Dwight (TH): A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. Now, if I were buying my coffin, I would buy one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.
Pam (TH): When Jim gets excited about something, he puts a lot into it and does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is, he works here so that hardly ever happens.
Dwight: Michael always says 'K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
Michael (TH): There are five stages to grief, which are (reading off computer) denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they’re all denying the fact that they’re sad. And that’s… hard. And it’s making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.
Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
(side effects of having a forced group grief counseling session)
- Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did
another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had re-sorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No.
I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Pam: I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Anyway, she was injured in a fight and she was paralyzed. So you can imagine how upset I was... when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Ryan: Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin...Mufasa...he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeasts. And, um, we all took it really hard. All of us in the audience...of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and half to tell that whole story.
If it's bugging you why the second and third are familiar...movie spoilers... #2 - Million Dollar Baby, #3 - The Lion King
Michael (TH): Yes, I've heard "women and children first", but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace, by law, so if I let them out first... I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Michael (TH): Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
Michael: And Craig, you saw him. He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, although he is a tool.
Angela: The date should be right justified. Right justified, not left justified. Do you know what justified means?
Kevin: Yeah, as in justifiable homicide.
Phyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael: That's great. Congratulations. That is great and frankly... kinda amazing. See... everybody has a chance.
Michael: People learn by watching others. That's why porn is a trillion-dollar industry.
Jim: When I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were...and then he spoke.
Dwight (TH): Don't be fooled by the phrase "dust bunnies". They are vicious little bitches. And if they get inside your disk drive, God help you, they will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners - hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boatload. Especially Creed.
Andy (TH): I'm always one step ahead. Like a carpenter...that makes stairs.
Michael (TH): Bros before hos! Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho. And you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. [getting emotional] Then suddenly... she's not your ho no mo'.
Michael (TH): I don't want someone to suck up to me because they think I'll help their career. I want someone to suck up to me because they love me.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: You really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Dwight (TH): Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
(They're on a farm and Dwight's teaching sales)
Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.
Dwight: It smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
Ryan: Uh-huh.
Dwight: It's bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how double jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. What is "we're fine"?
Toby (TH): HR nightmares here at Dunder-Mifflin? I wouldn't... I don't know if you can call them that, you know. "Nightmare" implies it's something you wake up from. You know, this is more of an unrelenting daymare. Kind of this neverending dreamscape of horror.
Dwight: Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.
Pam (TH): Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who are already prone to unpleasantness.
Creed: I blogged the whole thing.
Creed (TH): www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out.
Ryan (TH): Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's pretty shocking.
Darryl (TH): It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.
Jim (TH): I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers. Or muffins. Or mittens. And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.
Michael (TH): Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild.
Michael (TH): You expect to get screwed by the company but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.
Michael: You give me a good raise or no more sex! (Jan is stunned silent, so he turns to Toby) What are you writing, perv-ball?
Toby: Just preparing for the deposition.
Toby (TH): This may be the first time a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
Jan: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it says to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax Not Yours Incorporated."
Jim (TH): It's great to have a boss you can respect, you know? As opposed to one that sings "Respect" by Aretha Franklin every time he meets a black person.
Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.
Michael: Punctuality is something I demand from my employees. I need them to show up on time, so when I finally show up we can get started right away.
Michael: (regarding Toby) Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David Wallace: Not without cause.
Michael: I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him!
Michael: It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.
The Osbournes
Ozzy to son Jack: I love you all. I love you more than life itself. But you're all fucking mad.
Kelly: You are the only person who hasn't heard a single word I've said!
Ozzy: Can I explain something? You haven't been standing in front of 50 billion decibels for the past thirty years! Leave me a note!
Ozzy: You don't need to hire a dog therapist. You just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door!
Kelly: You don't go to someone's father, "I don't like the redness in your hair". It's fucking rude. I would never go to her father, "Oh, I don't like the baldness, maybe you should get a fucking toupee".
Ozzy (about wife Sharon): She's the best lover I ever had. She's the best friend I ever had. She's the worst friend I ever had.
Ozzy: (regarding their son) He's up in his room planning his future.
Sharon: The only thing he's planning is his next wank; whether he's going to use his left hand or his right hand.
Kelly: I know, I can't say "Fuck". I have to behave myself.
Ozzy: You can't say what? Terrible isn't it how children speak these days.
Kelly: I learned from you, Dad.
Ozzy: You learned from the best, baby.
Ozzy: I'm not proud of everything I've done. I'm not proud of having a poor education. I'm not proud of being dyslexic. I'm not proud of being an alcoholic drug addict. I'm not proud of biting the head off a bat. I'm not proud of having attention deficit disorder. But I'm a real guy. To be Ozzy Osbourne, it could be worse. I could be Sting.
Police Squad
Lt. Drebin: Sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier but your husband wasn't dead then.
Popular
Brooke: I think if you're really lucky, it is possible to find someone who's outgrown the stinky T-shirts and bad B.O. Unfortunately, most guys just cover it up with nice clothes and aftershave.
Mary Cherry: Nic, I am tryin' so hard to feel sorry for you, but you're just so pathetic that it's making me double over with cruel internal silent laughter.
The Powers That Be
Sophie: I think he has finally reached his peak. He can't suck up any more than he is right now. I mean, there is literally no more up to which he could suck!
Bill: We're going to have a nice family dinner.
Sophie: Don't you think we should find a nice family first?
Theodore: Why do we have to be here?
Caitlyn: It's our anniversary. Where would you rather be?
Theodore: Hurdling through a windshield.
Margaret: Have you come to gloat or just admire the cutlery in my back?
Bill: Theodore, tell us about your day.
Theodore: Well, thank God, it's almost over.
Psych
Gus: Some people are just born evil. The kid from The Omen, the children of the corn, Chad Michael Murray.
TV quotes: A-C // D-J // K-P // Q-Z
Last Comic Standing // Title List
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Last Updated: February 15, 2009