From yvonne@xtra.co.nz Wed Oct 27 20:17:52 1999
Synopsis: The Muse of Silliness is fading away, promising to go off
and annoy other people. I think this may be the last one but not before I
remember that she forgot to remind me about the Doc and Kes! The little
minx. I *knew* she was up to no good...
Rated: PG-13 for more stupidity, silliness and general all around
dorkiness. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: Dear Paramount and Hallmark, this is a parody. Honestly.
It might not look it, but it is and it's all done with love... Truly.
Apparently you can't sue over a parody, I've been told, which is a good
thing. If you did however, I am poor so you wouldn't get any money anyway.
YET MORE VOYAGER HALLMARK CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS FOR 1999
yvonne@xtra.co.nz
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Hallmark (tm) apologised to Star Trek fans
today for their oversight in forgetting to make an EMH and Kes Christmas
tree decoration. "Todd Toddy Toddman no longer works in design," said an
unnamed source in the company today. "He's been replaced by some guy who
once got a pitch meeting at Deep Space Nine in 1993."
BLOW-UP EMH WITH PUNCTURE REPAIR KIT
Using the latest in toy technology, the EMH Christmas decoration
features an built-in air pump and an on-off voice recognition chip. On the
command "Computer activate EMH", the decoration inflates itself. On the
command "Computer deactivate EMH" the decoration deflates itself. Flicking
off the realistic mobile emitter on the side of the decoration results in
the decoration rupturing itself with a pin and deflating in half a second,
so mimicking a genuine emitter problem. This decoration features the
highest quality welding available for latex seams. A bulb in the head means
that the decoration can also double as a flashlight when activated (please
note: flashlight can only be used for a maximum of five minutes before
melting occurs). Takes two double D batteries. The puncture repair kit
allows you to repair any self induced punctures. Bonus feature: vibrates.
EVOLVING KES
In her role as the resident ship's pixie and medical assistant, Kes
could be relied upon for her many unique personality features, which ranged
from being a gentle loving humanoid one minute to melting Tuvok's face the
next. The humanoid version of Kes comes dressed in her standard short tunic
and leggings with a voice chip that generates a genuine Kes shriek rated at
120 decibels. This decoration not only looks good on your tree but doubles
as a panic alarm that is guaranteed to temporarily deafen any potential
attacker. Pushing the top of her head causes pepper spray to gush out of
her mouth. Activating the one-off Evolving Kes button on the back of the
decoration causes her head to explode, projecting glitter and tiny foil
stars that twinkle into the room. The body then automatically sets itself
on fire. (Note: no refunds are offered to customers who activate the
Evolving Kes option despite warnings. Once activated another Kes decoration
will need to be purchased.)
FIN.
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