"Voyager Spam"
By: Kailinn
email: kailinn at mindspring dot com
Disclaimers: Star Trek, Star Trek:Voyager and all thingies and characters associated with the show belong to the devil, better known as Paramount, and will be no worse for wear when I put them back on the shelf. Monty Python and the Spam sketch belong to the Python boys themselves...John Cleese is God.
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Scene: The mess hall. One table is occupied by a group of ensigns with
horned helmets on. Chakotay and the Captain enter.
Chakotay: You sit here, Captain.
Janeway: All right.
Chakotay (to Neelix): Morning!
Neelix: Morning, Mr. Commander!
Chakotay: Well, what've you got?
Neelix: Well, there's Eskarian egg and Brill cheese; Eskarian egg,
schplict and Brill cheese; Eskarian egg and leola-root; Eskarian egg,
Brill cheese and leola-root; Eskarian egg, Brill cheese, schplict and
leola-root; leola-root, Brill cheese, schplict and leola-root;
leola-root, Eskarian egg, leola-root, leola-root, Brill cheese and
leola-root; leola-root, schplict, leola-root, leola-root, Brill
cheese, leola-root, Talaxian tomato and leola-root...
Ensigns (starting to chant): leola-root, leola-root, leola-root,
leola-root...
Neelix: ...leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, Eskarian egg and
leola-root; leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, leola-root,
leola-root, leola-root, Oblissian cabbage, leola-root, leola-root,
leola-root...
Ensigns (singing): leola-root! Lovely leola-root! Lovely leola-root!
Neelix: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce
served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines
garnished with truffle pate, brandy, with a fried Eskarian egg on top
and leola-root.
Janeway: Have you got anything without leola-root?
Neelix: Well, there's leola-root, Eskarian egg, schplict and
leola-root, that's not got much leola-root in it.
Janeway: I don't want ANY leola-root!
Chakotay: Why can't she have Eskarian egg, Brill cheese, leola-root
and schplict?
Janeway: THAT'S got leola-root in it!
Chakotay: Hasn't got as much leola-root in it as leola-root, Eskarian
egg, schplict and leola-root, has it?
Ensigns: leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, leola-root... (crescendo
through next few lines)
Janeway: Could you do the Eskarian egg, Brill cheese, leola-root and
schplict without the leola-root then?
Neelix: Urgghh!!
Janeway: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like leola-root!
Ensigns: Lovely leola-root! Wonderful leola-root!
Neelix: Please stop!
Ensigns: Lovely leola-root! Wonderful leola-root!
Neelix: Shhhhhhh! (Ensigns stop) Darn ensigns! You can't have Eskarian
egg, Brill cheese, leola-root and schplict without the leola-root.
Janeway (shrieks): I don't like leola-root!
Chakotay: Sshh, Captain, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your
leola-root. I love it. I'm having leola-root, leola-root, leola-root,
leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, Oblissian cabbages,
leola-root, leola-root, leola-root and leola-root!
Ensigns (singing): leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, leola-root.
Lovely leola-root! Wonderful leola-root!
Neelix: Shut up!! Oblissian cabbages are off.
Chakotay: Well could I have her leola-root instead of the Oblissian
cabbage then?
Neelix: You mean leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, leola-root,
leola-root, leola-root...
Ensigns (singing): leola-root, leola-root, leola-root, leola-root.
Lovely leola-root! Wonderful leola-root! leola-root
leeeeooollllaaa-rroooot, leola-root, leeeeooollllaaa-roooot,
leola-root. Lovely leola-root! Lovely leola-root! Lovely leola-root!
Lovely leola-root! Lovely leola-root! leola-root leola-root leola-root
leola-root!
end
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