By: Becca
Disclaimer :
Hey all! I know you’re thinking “What’s she doing writing another vignette? WE WANT MORE OF ‘You’re Still the One”........or maybe not, but i DO like to think so! =)
In answer to that question, I’m having a bit of trouble with ‘You’re Still the One’....i have this HUGE case of writers block. So when you’re e-mailing me your feedback for THIS story....could u tell me what you want to happen in my other story?
On the subject of feedback.....there’s another story I'm thinking of writing, INSTEAD Of ‘You’re Still the One’, or any of my other plans i had before today....another silent reflecting, Buffy/Angel, to song lyrics piece....it’d be to ‘My All’ by Mariah Carey...whadda ya think?
Anyway, this is (another) Buffy/Angel silent reflection piece (I can’t help it.....they just all come out that way).....it’s to ‘Anytime’ by Brian McKnight from his (surprise) ‘Anytime’ album. It’s a great, and moving song. If you own the album/single, i HIGHLY reccomend playing it while you read this story....i get my inspiration (usually) from the song itself...not just the lyrics
This is dedicated to LOTS of people....who i won’t name. Mainly to Ivory, Rachelle, LadyRhood, and all the heartless, insensitive, and dense guys i go to school with, for being cruel and allowing me to feel a deep level of angst.
Finally......I own NOTHING relating to BtVS, except my stories and pics.....they all belong to whoever they belong to that ISN’T me.....but i think Joss should lend them out...we can make MUCH better uses of them, don't ya think? (come on.....admit to those dreams you’ve been having). Now before backing away, thinking I'm a mad women (and i never claimed to be different), read this story.
I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now more and more I wonder where you are
As the time grows by, the details grow no foggier in my mind. Although it feels like ages since those events happened, it also feels just like yesterday. In all honesty, it’s a lot closer to yesterday, than it is today. And lot closer to the day before, than it is to tomorrow. But the time since it happened has been short.
Maybe, a few months is considered a short time to a normal human. G-d only knows how little time it is to a vampire. But when you’re a Slayer with a very short life expectancy, experiencing the worst heart break of all time, the actual days are of no relevance.
Everyone knows how some days go by quickly, blending together with other memories in your mind. Everyone knows how some days go by slowly, minutes seeming like hours...and those days you don’t remember either. There is one other kind of day, and those are the ones you remember. It may not be happy memory, but it lives forever in your mind.
It seems like so long, since I last felt his touch. So long, since I saw the love in his eyes. An eternity, since I found myself lying content in his bed, my head resting on his chest. In all honesty, it has been only a short time.
Day and night, I lie in my bed asking what I could have done to deserve this. Asking what’s so terrible about falling in love. In my life, I find I can no longer really believe in G-d. I still pray for a miracle, I still ‘talk’ to him...but I find my faith growing less and less a part of me. It has nothing to do with my role in life as the Slayer. It has nothing to do with the guilt and responsibility laid on my shoulder day after day, night after night. It has everything to do with him. My Angel.
That night was the best night of my life. It was the one moment in my pitiful existence that I actually knew what I wanted...and got it. When I was a kid, I did wish for my parents to get back together. I have wished to get an ‘A’ on my exam, but there was always a little doubt. A little doubt asking “Maybe it would be cool to get more attention”. Or a little thing nagging “You don’t really deserve the ‘A’...you didn’t even open your book.” But that night, I knew that I wanted him to be mine forever. There was no doubt, no worry. Just him, me, and our love.
I still haven’t taken off the ring. It’s not my ring, just as it was never his...it will always be our ring. It was...no, it IS a symbol of our love. A symbol that no matter what, we would last for all eternity. A symbol that his heart belongs to me, and mine to him. A symbol that he’d stay forever by my side...but he didn’t.
He isn’t there, to watch over me. He isn’t there, to tell me everything’s ok. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning, knowing it brings yet another day without him. If there truly are Guardian Angels, then my Angel has become one. And although it kills me to say this, because I don’t want to cause him any pain...he’s not doing a very good job. Maybe if he came down from the heavens, just for a little while...it would ease the pain. Who am I kidding? It would be worse torture once he left....but the days he was here would be glorious.
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
I miss you
I always wonder where he REALLY is. Where Angel’s soul took his vacation to. And it is a vacation...because he will come back. I have to believe that. I couldn’t live not thinking so.
Wherever he is, I hope he’s thinking of me. I hope that he thinks of me, and that I make him happy. Only I can make him happy...in all the centuries, I’m the only one who’s been able to. No one else can take care of him like I can. No one else can make his face light up like it does when he see’s me. I know I’m probably wrong...that he’s trying to forget me. That he doesn’t want to remember me, because I’ve caused him too much pain...but he said he loved me!
The doubts play across in my head like actors do in the theatre. First, the leading man comes out singing that Angel is never coming back...then the leading lady comes out defiantly declaring that our love will find the way. Quickly following is the supporting actor, claiming that Angel will never want to see me again. Making sure that I can’t have closure and be sure of what I think; the supporting actress comes out prancing like an angel, singing of his love for me.
The questions that float through my head will never cease. Does he love me still? Does he think of me? Will he ever come back? Will I ever see him again? Does he regret that one night? Am I really to blame? Did I fail in my duty? Nagging me constantly, those questions and more of the same contribute to state of sleep deprivation that I’m in.
If I could tell Angel one message, it would be one of the two that I think of constantly. I would either try to ease his pain, by telling him three simple words “I love you”. If it isn’t that, I would try to prod him to come back by uttering an even simpler phrase...”I miss you”.
Still have your picture in the frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice driving me insane
How I wish that you would call to say
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
I miss you, I miss you
I try to do what would make you happy. I try to move on, and end yours and my suffering. One quick jab of the hand, one little piece of wood, and it would be over. I know you’d want me to be happy. Different scenarios where I kill you play over and over in my head...but I can’t.
Maybe you’re disappointed in me, maybe you’re happy that I love you so much...I’m not quite sure. At this point, I’m selfishly thinking only of myself. But I have the right to, every once and a while. Killing you means there’s no hope. Killing you means that you’ll never come back to me, never again will I feel your lips on mine. Never again will I be able to let my problems melt away, in the protective circle of your arms. And that’s just too depressing for me to bear.
Every night it’s the same. Either a dream of impending doom, a dream where you kill me, or a dream where YOU come to me. A dream where none of the bad things ever happened, where it’s just you and me...like the old times. Sometimes, if I’m lucky... it’s nothing but good dreams of you all night. Dreams that I don’t have a memory of in the morning to leave me depressed, but one’s that ensure a good night’s sleep. Sometimes when my night is filled with good dreams, I imagine you standing at the entrance of my head. I can just see you, battling off the evil for me; giving me rest for one night. I pray that it’s true.
Once in a while I awake from a dream so realistic I could swear it’s true. Often, I awake calling out your name, reaching out for you. But you’re never there. Sometimes when I awake, I see my mom standing in the doorway. Embarrassed, I try to fall back asleep. She tries to help me...they all do. Giles, Willow, Xander, even Cordelia tries to ease my pain; but they can’t. There’s a hole in my heart, and it won’t go away until you fill it with your love.
The dreams aren’t that bad, at least I have you then. School isn’t so terrible, at least it distracts me. It’s that instant between the dream and reality that kills me. That instant when my first reaction is to call out for you, to reach out for a hug. That instant where I’m denied, rejected, and betrayed. That instant when I realize with a shock...you’re not there.
On becoming the Slayer, I had to give up my dreams of becoming old, and dying with the man I love. I had to give up my dreams of having children, and a successful career. I had to give up my dreams of every truly living, without being in fear of my life. Upon meeting you, that all changed. If I couldn’t grow old and die with my love, at least I could love. At least I could die defending my love. And I did love, and I did die defending our love. For although I may function, I’m dead inside. I still feel, but it’s all shadows of the emotions I used to feel. When you were with me, all my senses were heightened. Everything around you was alive, and so was I. When will you bring me back from death???
No more loneliness and heartache
No more crying myself to sleep
No more wondering about tomorrow
I keep telling myself “Tomorrow, you’ll move on”. Then I look at the cross you gave me the first time we met. I think of you just a little and change the goal slightly. “Tomorrow, you’ll begin to move on”. I think of the night you kissed me, and the magic I felt. The goal gets changed to “Tomorrow, you won’t cry, you won’t think of him, and you’ll flirt”. Then I think of how protected I felt in your arms, all the love. “Tomorrow, you won’t cry yourself to sleep. Tomorrow, you’ll live without wondering what the night will bring”. At this point, all I have to do is look at the ring you gave me, look at my ice skates, think about that night spent in your arms...and the message gets changed for the last time to “You are so pathetically, and hopelessly in love. You are so pathetic. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll try to think about getting over him”. But even that’s a useless goal.
Won't you come back to me?
Come back to me
Oh, ho, oh
You know, my question still isn’t answered. Why can’t you come back to me? I’m not trying to lay any more guilt on you, I’m not trying to pressure you into trying to do something impossible...but won’t you come back? Please? Fight the demon, master it...you’ve done it before. Because the truth of the matter is, I need you.
What Angelus said to my mother that night is true...I’ll die without you, and I already am. Although he may have been thinking about ‘die’ in the physical sense, what's happening to me is much worse. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I was happy, and content? It was that fateful night....when you made love to me. That’s how long it’s been.
It may be true that only I can make you happy, but you hold that privilege as well. No matter how happy I may seem with my friends, it’s a mere shadow of the ecstasy I feel when you’re around.
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
I miss you
It’s sad to think that Angelus will win. No matter how defiantly I may stare him in the eye, no matter how confidently I tell my friends and myself that I am strong, he’s already won. He’s already infected me with this disease, and you are the cure. I’m broken inside....the amount of time I spend crying can tell you that. My only wish before I die is that I can see you one last time.
Maybe he won’t win. Maybe the light will defeat the dark, the vampires will lose, and the ‘good guys’ will win. Maybe. Hopefully...but it’s all up to me. No one seems to understand that, how much pressure is laid upon me day after day. You did. You knew what it was like, and you used to comfort me. What I wouldn’t give for another one of your reassuring hugs, your loving kisses. You wonderful back massages, that eased the tension from not only my muscles, but my mind. What I wouldn’t give for you!
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind - anytime?
I miss you