At Long Last
By: Becca
You guessed it, all those Buffy fanfic readers who have heard of me....another tearjerking, angst filled Buffy story (I REALLY hope). I’m sorry, no real plot...I’m just so angst-ridden!!! Joss is really playing with my mind with all this Buffy/Angel stuff......as is my own life (minus the Buffy/Angel bit). I apologize to those of you who wrote begging “No more angst.....PLEASE!”. Be warned.
Taking Rebecca Carefoot’s lead, this is a re-hash of a scene in a Buffy episode....this one is a take of the final scene between James/Grace and Buffy/Angel in the episode...umm....well, if you haven’t seen it, just enjoy it and try to follow along. From Angel’s soul’s point of view. Thanx to Rebecca for the lead, and all of my friendly beta-readers.....without whom, I would be SO lost!
Blah blah blah, I own nothing Buffy related (except pics, and souvenier stuff). No infringement necessary, and I promise not to harm the characters. But I take that back if Angel doesn’t get his soul back.....onward, my faithful Order of Taraka!! (if you didn’t get that, thats cool).
I have a plan for what I’m gonna do with “You’re Still the One”.....so it’s coming. sorta. If you care, (PLEASE), write me with suggestions, comments....offers to listen...u get the pic. Now, for our feature presentation.
At long last. Finally. I was in control...sort of. At least I was there, and that demon wasn’t. I can’t decide whether or not to thank the ghost, for vanquishing the demon for a little while, or curse it for hurting Buffy even more.
At first, I didn’t know what was going on. I was wandering around, and I knew something was going to happen. So I watched over my body for a little while. I watched while the demon flirted with Dru, and angered Spike. But joyfully, I watched Spike take his first tentative steps. And I saw him grin, and I knew the end was near.
But when Angelus stepped foot into that building, and confronted Buffy...I had no idea what was going to happen. I actually feared the worst. I was afraid that she would die, but I refused to believe it. So I shut my eyes for a brief second, hoping not to get a glimpse of the love in her eyes. I could never live with myself if I saw how much she loved me still, deepening the guilt of my betrayal.
When I opened my eyes, it was all different. I was allowed access. I was there, watching through my eyes. I really can’t tell if the conversation was all predetermined...G-d, it felt so real. The pain, the grief....even the situation seemed familiar.
I wish with all my heart that I could have made Buffy disappear once the demon betrayed our love. I could have saved her the pain. She’s the brightest light during the night, and she shouldn’t be allowed to experience darkness.
Everything I said was true. I did want her to have a normal life. I still do. I want her to move on, to stop dwelling on me. Although I wish I could return, it would be better if she believed I was gone. Maybe then she’d stop caring.
If she asked me the same thing, if she asked me to tell her that I didn’t love her anymore, I would. I would break my heart into pieces, and scatter them to the four corners of another earth...but I would tell her. If it would ease her pain. And I did. I told her...and I saw the hurt in her eyes. Those tears slowly dripping down her face didn’t belong to ‘James’, and the grief in my heart didn’t belong to ‘Grace’. Those emotions were ours. And I would still take a burning stake through the heart, rather than have her get a scratch.
The pain of the bullet ripping through my body, didn’t even compare to the pain that was ripping my heart to shreds. The pain of losing her once again, for the final time. Although I would die before hurting her...I still wanted to live. I still want to return, sweep her up off her feet, and carry her to a secluded hill. I still want to take her in my arms, and lean her head against my chest. I still want to bury my head in her hair and just breathe in her scent. I still want to sit with her, and watch the sunrise. I still want to tell her that I love her.
When my eyes opened, and the pain subsided, I knew what I had to do. I knew how the story ended, and I knew I had to change it. I knew that if it was in my power to do so, I should at least give happiness to one couple in love, even if I could not have it myself.
I tore through the building, running to find her. As I neared the entrance to the music room, I feared it was too late. I rushed to her as swiftly and silently as I could, and pulled the gun away from her hands. Above all else, I could not let her die. I could not let her flame be extinguished. I had to help her burn bright.
That was when I took over. James was still there, making sure the words came out correctly...but the words were mine. I was telling Buffy everything I’d thought of telling her since that dreadful awakening. Everything was said...I just hope that she listened.
No more tears, I said, as I wiped them away from her eyes. Please don’t cry, I thought silently, I can’t stand to see you upset. If only it had come out that way, so that she would have known it was from me. But it was still satisfying, to just hold her in my arms.
Everything was true. It was an accident that she “killed me”...although the events that led up to it were not accidental. They were the most satisfying, wonderful, and passionate moments in all of my 200 plus years. It’s ironic that it was she that took my soul away....it was always hers to keep, and to love, forever and always.
I hope she knows that I forgive her. I hope she knows that I love her still. I pray that she does. No matter what Angelus said to her, no matter what he’ll say in times to come....I did love Buffy with my last dying breath, just as Grace loved James. I still do love her, in the semblance of consciousness that I have.
And when I leaned in to kiss her, and we were of one soul...it was everything I’ve ever wanted. The kiss meant forgiveness, it meant love. For all eternity, it meant that we would be joined. It was a pledge.
When James and Grace ‘left’, I knew that my time left was limited. I fought harder than I’ve ever fought before to stay in control. To spend forever in her arms. I won, for a few brief seconds. The kiss lasted on, and I think she knew I was there. We broke for breath, and her nose nuzzled mine. She whispered hopefully
“Angel??”
I opened my mouth to respond, to tell her it was me. And all was black. I’d lost again.
The End