I'll Remember You

By: Becca

This is a fanfic that i wrote after seeing the two parter (innocence and surprise). It’s dedicated to Rebecca (Lady RHood) for giving me the idea of something that was written from Angel’s soul’s POV, and to all of my other Buffy friends for (somehow) making me believe that I CAN write a fanfic, and that it doesn’t have to win a B-Beta to be good. THANK YOU! Everything in Italics and bold are the lyrics to the song “I’ll Remember You” by Sophie Zelmani. It’s on her self-titled album (that i strongly reccomend you buy) it’s playing during the scene at the bronze in the episode Angel (it’s where they say good bye, and buffy scars him). There’s no real action here...just mush. The goal of this was to make you cry, so......get the tissues. everything that I put in CAPITAL LETTERS is meant for emphasise...so be warned.

Normal disclaimers : nothing belongs to me, except the actual fanfic. I don’t own any BTVS characters, or even keep anything of theirs. They all belong to the almighty Joss Whedon, who will soon lose my respect if he makes me wait until the season finale for angel to get his soul back!



It's daybreak
And you are asleep
I can hear you breathe now
Your breath is deep


I sort of floated into her room...it was where I spent most of my time now. It was near daybreak, and she was sleeping. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep, even the most oblivious person could tell that. I stood by her bed for some time, just watching over her. Wishing I could hold her and tell her it would all be ok. I drifted near her dresser. A funny thing, this drifting. I don’t remember how I learned it, or how I broke away from the clouds. I just did. My need to see her was so great, I guess nothing could keep me up there in ‘heaven’. Of course, it wasn’t really much of a heaven without her.

I looked at all the jewelry on her dresser. The cross I gave her, the rings she wore the first time we kissed. The rings she wore every other time we kissed...the ring that I gave her wasn’t there. I looked back over the bed, and saw it on her finger. Even in my ethereal state, I was confused. I was so happy that she still cared about me, but I wished that she wouldn’t. I wished that she would be angry at me, and that she would kill me. That way, I couldn’t cause her any more pain.

The sun was rising. Instinctively, I flinched. Then I remembered. It seemed that the only good thing that came of this state of mind was the sun. The fact that I could see it crown Buffy in all her glory. Feel the warmth, although it actually did me no good.

Buffy started tossing and turning, moaning. She reached out, and called my name. I was there in a flash. I gathered her in my arms...or tried to. I rocked her gently from side to side...or tried to. I caressed the side of her face, and told her everything would be alright...or tried to. I told her that I loved her, and that I would never let go of that love...but it was to no avail. She didn’t hear me. I tried to project my thoughts...I hoped that maybe her psyche could hear mine. I hoped that maybe in her nightmare I would come save her, that we could share one final kiss. Such was the link we had. I think it might have worked...I like to believe so.


But before I go
I look at you one last time
I can hear a heartbeat
Is it yours or is it mine?


She was waking up. That sleep she was in was drawing to a close, as her alarm clock made me watch the minutes tick by. I knew then it was time to leave. Time to go watch Spike and Drusilla...time to once again try to gain access to my body. Time to once again try to make Angelus care. I didn’t need to watch her during the day...Giles, Willow, and Xander would do that. I couldn’t bear to watch her during the evening, when the demon in my body caused her more pain than she could endure. This was my time...in the dead of the night when she slept. It was our time together.

As I drifted near the window, near the horizon, I turned around. She was stirring. I paused once again, for one more moment. I remembered our night together. I saw her body move, and recognized each move with familiarity. Each heartbeat was precious, and familiar. That heartbeat, that lust, that remembrance of passion, I knew not whose it was. I longed to hold her, to lay with her, to kiss her, to just touch her. To listen to her day as she related to it, to watch her care about me. I needed that. I needed her care, I needed her to tell me I was human enough to love.


I look at your lips
I know how soft they can be
Did they know what they wanted
The times they kissed me?

And your hands
That I held in mine
Now they're reposing on the pillow
Will they ever miss me sometime?


I reminisced. I looked at her face, it was so much farther away than I was used to seeing it. Her eyes were so much older, so much more worn. And her lips, that more times than I remember were on mine. Those lips, that I warmed with my own, and used to warm mine. Those lips that gave me so many dreams. Now they lay cold on an empty face. Lonely, they seemed to cry out to me. But I could not kiss the loneliness away...much as I wanted to; I couldn’t.

Do not believe that as a spirit I can not dream, for I do. I dream of the first time we met, the tension. The first true humanity I’d felt for a while. I dream of the first time we kissed. I dream of the first time we kissed, with her knowing what I was. I dream of the safety she felt as she fled to my apartment. I dream of the worry that she felt after her dream. I dream of the passion, the longing. I dream of our time together.

She raises her hand, the one with the ring on it; and looks at it. As I see a tear slide down her eye, I rush over to try and wipe it away. Those hands, that had helped me through so much. Those hands, that had often accompanied my own. Those hands, that saved my life. Those hands, that belonged to my love. Now they moved to remove the ring, that I had given her. The ring that symbolized our love. But they could not. They carressed the pillow, seeming to replace the carressing of my back. She smoothed the comforter, and looked at her hands. I knew what she was thinking. That those lonely hands belonged in mine.


I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that is all that I can do
But I'll remember


I will remember you, Buffy. I always will. When the time comes that you harden your heart, when the time comes that you end my ‘life’ I’ll remember you. Through death, through pain, through passion, through love. I’ll do all that I can do. I’ll remember. And should we both meet again, always know that I’m saving your seat. But right now, I do what I can. For all eternity, that one night, freeze frame...I’ll remember.


Your eyes
That always make me shiver
Now they are closed
They just sometimes twitch a little


Oh Angel. G-d, do you have any idea how much I miss you? No, you probably don’t. It’s the worst feeling in the world. When you were here, when you were alive. No, not when I saw you, when you were HERE, with me, always; the waiting wasn’t so bad. It just made the next time I saw you even more precious. But now....it’s hard to re-learn all that you know. It’s hard to try and re-teach my body, and my mind. Re-learn how to react when you’re around. It’s hard, learning that that jump, that excitement, that passion, that...that LOVE doesn’t belong to you.

I remember our night together....not a night goes by it doesn’t haunt my dreams. I remember the end....when you said you loved me. How sad, how terrible that I’ve only heard it come from your lips twice. I remember holding you, and being held by you. I remember watching you sleep, watching you rest. Our passion not exhausted, no, never that...just pushed to all our bodies could take. All our MORTAL bodies could take...for just when you woke up did you truly become a vampire.

But I remember your eyes most of all. I remember gazing into them....wishing to just drown in them, for all eternity. The last glimpse I had of YOUR eyes, were closed. The last time I saw the love there, the love that was mirrored in my own, was when they were closed. When I was just lying in your arms, feeling the safety that nothing could ever take away...or so I thought.


And your body
I could hold for an hour
It sent me to Heaven
With its heat and power


My sweet...I could have spent all eternity in your arms...and in some ways, I will. For that night....those moments, they’ll live forever in my heart. Which is part of the problem. How can you teach your body, to go against love?

I remember lying there, just running my hands over your chest....over your body...holding your hand. I looked at your ring, the one that mirrored my own. I can hear your voice haunt my dreams...

“The hands symbolize friendship, the crown represents devotion, and the heart...well, you know. Wear the ring with the heart facing towards you...like this...it means that you belong to somebody”

I still do, Angel. I belong to you. I will for the end of time. Maybe one day, I will go on...maybe one day, I’ll stop shedding tears. But I’ll never stop crying, Angel...and most importantly, I’ll never stop loving you.

But your body......it did to mine what I never thought could be possible....it made me feel safe. It made me feel loved, and protected. It’s been a long time since I trusted anyone that much...since I made myself so vulnerable, so dependent. It was nice, while it lasted. It was the first time I’d ever been so vulnerable....which is why it hurt so much being betrayed.

Yet that night...freeze-frame. Your body did to me what will last for all eternity. Kind of fitting, for an Angel to send me on my first trip to heaven. Who would have thought it would be the last?


I'll remember you
You will be there in my heart
I'll remember you
And that is all that I can do
But I'll remember


For all eternity, never to forget. I don’t think I’m capable of forgetting, and I wouldn’t even if I could. All the pain that’s following, all the hurt, all the tears...it really was worth it for a night spent in your arms.

I still want you back, and I never will stop wanting, but I’m glad that for one moment in time, I made you happy. I’m glad that you loved me so much, that you let yourself forget guilt in my arms. I’m glad that our love was, no IS, so strong it will be talked about through the ages.

All I have left now are memories. The ring, the necklace...they would mean nothing without the memories. Remembering is all that I can do, and I will. I’ll be waiting, Angel. I’ll be waiting for YOU to come in thru my window, and awake me with a kiss like you do every night in my dreams. I just pray that wherever YOU are, you don’t forget me.

The End

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