Greg Brady owes his existence to the hysteria created from the Cold War. Americans feared that the Soviets would spread communism to the rest of the world, and freedom would perish. Most American government officials believed that a stong military and a deadly supply of nuclear weapons would prevent Soviet aggression, and the Soviets countered with similar measures. A few enlightened leaders on both sides realized that huge armies and silly little weapons of unbelievable destruction would not determine which side would survive. These people believed that success depended upon which side had the groovier swingers. What better way to promote your way of life than through the examples of a beloved groove man? A nuclear warhead is no match for a perfect groove man!! The United States set up groove man training camps in southern California, but the results were not encoraging. Meanwhile, the Soviets were having success at acquiring decent groove men through selective breeding. To counter the threat of communist groove men, the United States consulted renowned psychic Jeane Dixon to select groove men from the past, present, and future and to obtain their groovy essence. The government combined the essences from the several groove men and used highly sophisticated techniques to genetically engineer the groovemeister that we know as Greg Brady. I obtained this information from classified government files and have endangered my life by sharing this information. Since there was sampling going on, I have a strong suspicion that Puff Daddy was involved in the project. Nevertheless, I feel that it was necessary because the truth is out there! I have listed below the people from whom Greg Brady was engineered and the traits that he received from each. Of course, the government denies all of this, but who are you going to believe: them or me?
Danny
Zuko
From this 1950s groove man,
the genetically-engineered Greg Brady inherited his far-out looks and overall
groovy aura that attracts chicks like manure attracts flies. In addition,
Greg received Danny's dangerous driving tendencies. Danny risked his life
to race Grease Lightning on Thunder Road for pinks, and Greg almost got
into a wreck on the freeway because he was looking at a new record. Also,
Greg's aggressive driving caused him to knock the egg off the pylon and
thereby lose his driving contest with Marcia. The behavior similarities
are eerie.
Fonzie,
a.k.a. Arthur FonzarelliAnother 1950s groove man.
Greg inherited his outstanding mechanical skill from the Fonz. Greg could
turn a lemon of a car into a hot groovemobile (sort of), fix the girls'
radio, and rig a contraption to make Peter and Bobby think that they saw
a UFO. What a genius! Greg also owes his groovy hair to Happy Days'
groove man. Fonzie sported a perfect Elvis hair-do that never needed to
be combed, and Greg had a thick mess of curls that made all of the chicks
swoon. Coincidence? I think not.
Vinny
Barbarino (the sweathog on the far left)The leader of the sweathogs.
Accordingly, Greg received his deft leadership ability from this 1970s
groove man. Greg could conduct an important kid meeting with a military
cool. Greg also demonstrated his leadership skill when he bravely led the
expedition to return Bobby's tabu idol to the burial cave when the family
was vacationing in Hawaii. Also, Greg inherited Vinny's quick wit. Greg
could always tease his siblings with a hysterical and sharp quip. After
all, if you want to defeat Communist groove men, you've got to be able
to think on your feet.
Steven
SpielbergProbably the most accomplished
and versatile director of all time. His movies have thrilled, frightened,
delighted, and saddened audiences. Everyone, including sensitive ole me,
wept when E.T. had to return home and when we saw the atrocities of the
holocaust in Schindler's List. Greg Brady inherited Spielberg's
ability to deeply move audiences. In his famous documentary about the Pilgrims,
a young Greg Brady showed the acute suffering of the Pilgrims as they tried
to eke out a living in the New World. The viewer felt the Pilgrms' pain.
And just as Spielberg used cutting-edge special effects to create a sense
of realism in Jurassic Park , Greg also used advanced movie tricks
in his Pilgrims documentary. It's almost impossible to tell that he used
a toy ship floating in some colored bathtub water to simulate the Pilgrims'
crossing the ocean. It takes some good ole American know-how to
come up with an idea like that.
Richard
Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein IIYou're probably wondering
why the government used DNA from a couple of musical geeks to build the
perfect groove man. The reason is obvious if you consider the musical side
of Greg Brady. Rodgers and Hammerstein collaborated to write unforgettable
musicals like Oklahoma!, South Pacific, and The Sound
of Music. Thanks to this dynamic duo, everyone has songs like "My Favorite
Things" etched into their minds. Greg also displayed a knack for memorable
tunes. He could write a feel-good song like "Keep On," yet he could also
write deep songs like "We Can Make the World a Whole Lot Brighter" and
"Time to Change." I can still recall Greg's catchy musical wisdom: "When
it's time to change, you've got to rearrange who you are and what you're
gonna be." Now that's deep.
Martha
StewartOK, so she's not very groovy,
and she's not a man (at least I don't think so). Nevertheless, the time-traveling
genetic engineers on the top secret government groove man project felt
it was necessary to include some genetic material from Martha Stewart in
the perfect American groove man. Part of being the perfect groove man is
being able to decorate the world with an impeccable groove motif. Everyone
has seen Martha Stewart decorate a house with Nazi-like zeal and perfectionism,
and Greg also displayed a flair for interior decoration. Who could forget
the way he transformed Mike's bland den into a groovy bachelor pad? Let's
see one of those stupid commie groove men do that.
Although I am running from the government for
stealing this top secret information, I have no regrets. The public has
a right to know, and the government must learn that it cannot continue
to engage in secret conspiracies. Spread this information so that everybody
will know the truth. Then the government might back down, and I could come
out of hiding. PUT BRADYGATE INTO THE SPOTLIGHT!
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