The Bunch Says: Work
it, Grooveman!
Everywhere I go, people ask, "Grooveman, what
is the secret to your grooviness?" The secret is a simple 5-step program
divulged to me by Mike Brady himself. OK, I confess that I made it up,
but it works! In the Brady spirit of fairness, I've chosen not to make
it available only through a cheesy infomercial or a 1-900 number that costs
$9.99 per minute. IT'S FREE!!! However, I do ask that you use it
for good purposes only. In the wrong hands, this information could be dangerous.
But you don't have to take my word for it:
Fitness
guru Richard Simmons Says:
"It's a must for anyone seeking a path to grooviness! Sweating to the
Oldies makes you look pretty, but Grooveman's 5-step program makes
you feel pretty." Who can argue with that expert testimony? (OK, he didn't
really say it, but he would have said it if he had seen it.)
Grooveman's 5-step plan to grooviness
New
and Improved!!! Now with Olean, NutraSweet, and other junk!!!
Step 1: Watch groovy TV shows
The best way to learn the essence of a groovy existence
is to watch a groovy TV show. Small children and groove novices
can begin their journey to a groovy life by watching any of the psychedelic
and sometimes confusing children's shows created by Sid and Marty Kroft.
Of course, you should also intensely study the profound insights of Rocky
& Bullwinkle. Having mastered the groove concepts of these
shows, you can move to more advanced TV shows. Naturally, The
Brady Bunch represents the epitome of a groovy life. By watching this
show, you will learn how to live a clean life, how to deal with the opposite
sex, and how to make a really groovy documentary about the Pilgrims. The
Brady Bunch should be the main dish of your groovy TV diet, but you also
need some generous helpings of other groovy TV shows to give you a complete
meal. Happy Days, a 1970s show set in the 1950s, provides
a model of coolness in the Fonz and gives you a history of grooviness.
Watching Welcome Back Kotter will sharpen your wits so that you
can deal with the Bobby Hintons of the world with clever remarks such as
"Up your nose with a rubber hose." Any crime-drama with a pair of
cops with flashy clothes, big hair, even bigger cars, and funky theme music
rounds out your TV training.
Step 2: Listen to groovy music
In addition to watching groovy TV shows, you must
also listen to groovy music. Today's music just doesn't have much grooviness.
Sure, some bands clothe themselves in 70s garb and try to be retro, but,
thanks to the lessons in Step 1, you know that true grooviness isn't just
on the outside. It's largely on the inside. Therefore, an infusion
of authentic 1970s music is necessary. You can concentrate on one
specific 1970s music genre, but you should listen to several to develop
a well-rounded groovy music ear. Below are just a few examples of
groovy music genres and suggested artists:
*General Rock: KISS,
Creedence Clerwater Revival, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix
*Southern Rock: Lynyrd
Skynyrd (even though they hated that label)
*Soft Rock: Fleetwood
Mac
*British Rock: late
Beatles, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones
*Pop: Elton
John
*Disco: ABBA,
Bee Gees
*Novelty Songs: "The
Streak," "Disco Duck," "Convoy"
*Other: Any
neat-o tune by the Brady Six or The Silver Platters
Having listened to these artists and cultivated
a sophisticated groovy musical taste, you can take pity on those lost souls
who think that Puff Daddy's stuff is original.
Step 3: Eat groovy food
A groovy spirit also depends on a groovy tummy filled
with groovy food. Greg couldn't be the Cassanova of Clinton Avenue
if he didn't eat 3 square meals (each with probably 100,000 calories and
100 fat grams) prepared by Alice. Likewise, Marcia wouldn't have
the energy to be in almost every school committee, group, and organization
without food. Of course, the basis for any groovy diet is pork chops
and applesauce. But any cholesterol- and fat-filled dish prepared
by Alice will do (e.g. spaghetti, unless you have braces because it will
taste like metal). Drinking Yoo-Hoo is a must. Nothing shouts
groovy like Yoo-Hoo. The groovy carbonated beverage of choice is Tab (or
NuGrape if you want a fruity taste), and Twinkies are the snack to give
you a groove-me-up whenever you need one. Ice cream (preferably strawberry)
can always lift your groove spirit, unless you've just eaten a lot of it
quickly in a contest. Other groovy foods can be summed up with simple equations:
gummy=groovy, fried=far out, and Taco Bell=out of sight+quickly out of
body.
Step 4: Assume a groovy image
Now that you've acquired inner grooviness, the next
step is to attain outer grooviness. I know that I said in step 2 that true
grooviness is on the inside (so don't bother pointing it out), but groovy
clothes are an essential. If you look groovy, you'll feel groovy.
According to The Brady Bunch, the standard attire for a groovy young
man is long sideburns, badly permed hair, a shirt with a wierd print and
butterfly collar, and tight bell bottoms that leave nothing to the imagination.
For those daring young men who want to make an even groovier statement,
consult the episode "Our Son, The Man" for ideas. The appearance of a groovy
young woman consists of long cascading hair that is brushed 1000 times
per day, a very short psychedelic dress that also leaves nothing to the
imagination, platform shoes, and a mood ring. In both cases, tight-fitting
clothes are a must. Baggy is out. Young women who think that
this Marcia style is too risque can go the more conservative (i.e., nerdier)
route by dressing like Jan. Both men and women can easily augment
their groovy wardrobes with the popular 1970s practice of wearing T-shirts
with iron-on images, like Star Wars, or slogans, like "Keep on truckin."
If you have any questions about the proper groovy image, please refer to
any episode of The BradyBunch.
Step 5:
Groovy Cars (submitted by jgaffney@cvn.net)
In order to be really groovy, you need an out of
sight set of wheels. Greg and Marcia could only look cool on their
bicycles for so many years. As usual, we must follow the examples
set by the Bradys, so here is a list of cars worthy of their cruising:
*The Fort LTD Country Squire Wagon
It's just like the Brady's-avocado
green with real wood panneling. Fits as many as needed, including
your housekeeper. Hook your trailor on and you're ready for the Grand
Canyon!
*Ford Thunderbird, Mercury, Lincoln, Buick,
and Cadillac
Extra-long cars that you'll
look and feel groovy in while driving. Real far-out cars require
an 8-track player, chrome hubcaps and bumpers, bucket seats, and leather
interior that you're sure to be stuck to through the hot summer months.
A sunroof is a neat-o feature, and it might even impress that chick or
dreamy guy you dig.
*Chevy Nova, Gremlin, Pinto, Mustang, and
VW Bug
The pinnacle of late 60's
and early 70's groove-mobiles. Their tackiness is feared by some,
and revered by those of us who dare to be far-out. Smaller than a
Thunderbird, but bigger than a bread box, these
two-door coupes accomodate a less-than Brady
Bunch. Perfect for cruising, or a date to the drive-in. Have to bring little
bro? No sweat, the trunks are big enough.
The above mentioned cars are
best viewed in cherry red, blue, burnt orange, goldenrod, and the green
color that matches the shag carpeting in your family room.
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