John was thinking about his life and the bits and pieces of things he'd learned since that fateful night when the DNA results came back, sealing his fate. It was seven years ago that he learned he wasn't Roman Brady and he still knew very little about his own life, his childhood, his upbringing... who influenced him, how he came to be a Priest... And now there was the picture he held in his hands... the one that made him believe it was likely that even all those years ago Stefano was controlling his mind, that he spent most of his life forced to do the evil man's bidding. John was his "Pawn" treated as if he were some play thing to be manipulated in any way the monster wanted to use him. Was I ever my own person? Did I ever have a choice in what I did with my life? What did he make me do? Who *am* I? The questions swirled around in his head until he thought he might explode......

Pieces of a life... that's all it was.. a bunch of puzzle pieces that didn't fit... The Pawn... John Black... Roman Brady... Forrest Alamain... Father Black.. Mystery man.. fighter, lover, Father, son, brother, Priest..... so many names, so many roles to play... so many memories of an existence he couldn't recapture.......

Marlena looked over at him worriedly. He had become so quiet again, and he kept staring at the picture over and over, as if he were willing to give up the secrets of his past, secrets she knew he longed to recover. He hadn't said it but she sensed that he was feeling lost and alone, even with her by his side. Her heart was aching for him, wishing there were something she could do to help him. It seemed that every time he got a little piece of his history back and had a chance to feel secure with that knowledge, something came along to shake him up again. The picture had done that, sparking a whole new round of anguished self-doubt and helpless frustration. Stefano held the keys to his past. Stefano was the gatekeeper and it was maddening for John to wonder just how long that twisted version of a human being had been manipulating and controlling his destiny.

Marlena approached him without uttering a sound, sat down next to him and began to massage the taut muscles of his neck and shoulders, a move which elicited a contented moan, "Ah... Oh.. Doc... that feels so good.."

She smiled, satisfied with that result. "I'm glad... I was hoping it would. You're so tense honey... and you've been awfully quiet. Do you want to let me know what's going on inside that head of yours? They tell me I'm a pretty good listener?"

He laughed lightly, something he hadn't done all day, "Yea... you are.. you're good at that.. and SO many other things too. "

"Yes... actually, I am... would you like a demonstration?" she asked with a playfully sexy wink as she scooted around to face him. Marlena touched his face and he knew what she had in mind the second their eyes met.

He wanted to let her love him... to lose himself in her arms, in her tender healing touch, in the smell and feel of her body next to his... but somehow.. he couldn't, and he didn't even know why......

For some unexplainable reason... he thought of some of the worst moments of his life... times he could hardly go on... Like that night when the tests results came in and he was devastated to learn that the life he'd lived for almost seven years was never his to lead. He felt so empty inside... adrift on an endless dark and stormy sea... but she was there.. Marlena was always there.. A true Godsend in his darkest hours.....

Another image came to mind... it was just after Isabella died. He was all alone at the Loft, trying to force down the grief, denying the gutwrenching, soul penetrating fear, the crippling lonliness and loss... and she came to see him... to check on him. He tried to deny the pain, even to her.... scurrying around the room while she sat... She pushed him, she made him feel it. She was there.... again... when he didn't have the strength or even the will to go on, to keep fighting... Marlena was there... looking behind the false front.....

Marlena could see him drawing inside himself, pulling away from her out of some misguided idea that she would be hurt by what he learned. Her hands went to his cheeks. Gently, she tipped his head up so their eyes met, saying passionately, "Honey... I'm here.. I'm always going to be here for you... I love you... the man you are with me... I *know* you... You are good and kind and loving and I'm not worried about what we'll find. We'll face it together and that is all that matters to me, being with you..."

His voice cracked as he tried to tell her what hearing her say that with such utter conviction meant to him, how she touched him emotionally, "Do you know... how much... I love you? Do you have any idea what you do for me?"

"I make horrible coffee and give you runny omelets?" she teased, wanting to help him lighten up a little bit.

Smiling as his thoughts returned to the day they spent in the Loft after she was healed from her horrible ordeal, "Yea.... that too..... I love you and I *need* you so much... I don't know what I ever did without you, Marlena." Pausing to think about what his life was like without her, wondering what he would find if he kept following the fragments of a life... wondering what could make her let him go... "Doc... what if....." he started to say hesitantly, not even certain what he was going to ask.

Putting her right forefinger over his lips she cut him off, saying softly, but with conviction, "Hush.... we're soulmates... remember? There is nothing you can find out that is going to make me stop loving you... and nothing that will *ever* make me leave you.. NOTHING, John... "

"Oh...Marlena... I want to believe that... more than anything.. but.. I'm.. scared that I'm going to find out that I did some horrible things... things that hurt people..."

Marlena understood why he was questioning himself, but she desperately wanted to reach inside, to find a way to make him believe that no matter what they discovered, it wouldn't change how she felt about him. "Well, if you did.. it was because he forced you to do them... and no one is going to hold you responsible for that... no one, John. Please... accept the fact that my love for you is unconditional. I *love* you... and I always will."

He gazed deeply into her shining hazel eyes which were moist with tears she cried for the torment she saw in his... Amazed by the love he found there, John found tears forming as well. "Oh.. Doc... You are so... incredible to me.. the love you've given me... your unfailing support and belief in me... your forgiveness when I've messed up... It's all so amazing to me... "

Finally, he was relenting to her ministrations... She was kissing him now, her tongue rolling around his, her stimulating touch impossible to resist. Next, she took his shirt off over his head, and began to kiss his chest, while her hands began to rove all over his upper body. Soon, his breathing began to change, and he was removing her clothing as well.

Drinking in the sight of her, breathing deeply of the sweet, sensual aroma of her cologne was enticing; he tilted his head back and shut his eyes for a moment... allowing the love and desire to fill his aching heart and then he kissed her fervently, taking them to a place only they two could go....

Within a few more minutes, they were lost in heated passion, expressing physically, the emotional and spirtual intimacy they shared. John began to love her with his lips and his tongue, at the same time as his hands caressed the entire surface of her body... She moaned with increasing pleasure... giving herself over to the electrical sensations flowing through every nerve fiber.. "Oh.. John... it feel so good, honey... you please me so... Oh.." she cried out, feeling overwhelming desire to join with him.

It made him feel fulfilled, uplifted in ways he couldn't describe.. to bring her such pleasure, and he wanted to make it last, so he slowed it down slightly, drawing out of the embrace to kiss her on the lips. Looking into her face, he said softly.. "All I ever want to do is make you happy... and please you this way... I love you..." John was weeping and he didn't quite understand where the tears were coming from.. Maybe it was because he knew in his heart that he didn't deserve her love... but she was giving it anyway... "I just love you... so much!"

Wiping away his tears with her outstretched fingertips, even as she found more moisture dropping from her own, she said the same, "And I love you.. more than I can ever say to you. John... you deserve this... I wish I could find a way to convince you... You are a good man... a kind man... and you deserve to have this love.. you have a right to be happy. Nothing is going to take this away from us, John... because we won't let it happen!"

He nodded, and then was carried away in the current of her love for him.. letting her love him in a very special way... his desire rising higher and higher with each swell of a wave... "Oh.. Doc...you make me believe.. you make me feel so loved!" he was saying as she brought him to the edge of sheer ecstasy...

John let her take him up as long as he could possibly stand to wait before turning it around... rolling them over so that he was on top. They stopped to look at each other... delighted with the sight of their bodies flushed with heated desire... wanting what they could only get from each other, from sharing this intensity... this blissful blending into one flesh... In one swift motion, John entered her.......

They moved in perfect synchronization, like a dance performed by lifelong partners... the love they made was a thing of beauty...."Oh.. Marlena.... oh.. it's incredible... I love you, I love you.." he said in a breathless whisper.

"John... oh.. honey.... it feels so good... oh... get closer... I can't get close enough!" she cried, her arms wrapped tightly around him as they finally reached the top of the highest wave and began to ride it in toward the shore...

They lay next to each other on the wide leather seat... basking in the afterglow of the love they made. It was a singularly marvelous sensation, their hearts slowing in time, their breathing matching in pace, the intimacy permeating their souls... "Marlena.... I...don't know how to tell you... what you... bring into my life... there aren't words.. to describe the kind of love you give to me.. the way my heart feels when you're with me.. "

She was touched by his sincerity, "Oh.. honey.. you don't have to say anything... I know... because I feel the same way about being with you.."

He was shaking his head slightly, as he traced the outline of her face with his left forefinger, "No... no you don't.. you see... you know who you are... you were raised by loving parents... you know where you come from... why you think the way you do... Those are things I can't say about myself... John paused momentarily, formulating his thoughts so that he could express what was in his heart, what he had come to realize while they were apart this last time. His voice trembled with vulnerability as he gazed into her eyes and shared it with her, "Marlena... the honest truth is.. the only time... that I even... have a clue... who I am... is when I look into your eyes... You.. make me feel valuable... you make me feel worthwhile... like there's a reason for me to be alive.. it's you... only you, Doc...." he finished as the grateful tears returned.

"Oh... baby... I wish that you could see what *I* see when I look at you... What I feel when I'm in *your* arms... John, whether you remember how it came to pass or not... you are a warm, giving, compassionate, tender, loving man.. a terrific father to our children... a trusted and loyal friend.... a devoted son and brother to the Brady's... You have so many wonderful qualities, John... and that is who you are... None of that is because of me... The goodness is inside of you... and nothing you learn about your past will change that, but you have to find it in yourself to believe it."

She was doing it again... He wasn't fishing for compliments... but she gave them freely because she loved him. She said what he needed to hear when he most needed to hear it. When he was with her, he could see his destiny, his future seemed so clear and yet.. he was afraid of what his love might do to her, of what uncovering his past might do to their relationship.... "Let me love you, John... trust in my love for you, honey.. that's all I ask of you... "

With her, there was no more reason to hide, no reason to pretend. He could be his truest self, allow himself to feel all of his feelings, think all his thoughts, however crazy they might seem... and express them as they were without fear of ridicule. She loved him exactly as he was, glaring faults and unknown truths included. Marlena was his friend and his lover, his angel and his confessor, his rock.. his foundation. She was everything he ever wanted and needed, all he could ever imagine or dream of being... he saw in her eyes. "Okay.... okay... I will..... I just.. don't want you to be hurt anymore... that's all... and I want you to know something. I would die before I let anything else hurt you... I love you so much!" he finished with great passion.

She sighed... glad to see that he was letting go... allowing himself to trust in her, in himself, and in the strength of the love they shared. " I know that... and I would do the same for you... Now, I don't want any more talk about your past and what you learn about it causing us problems.. Our love can stand up to any test, any challenge.. We've already proven that beyond all doubt, John... Nothing can come between us, unless we let it.. right?"

"Right... You're the Doc... and you should know....." he said with a playful smile.

She sighed contentedly and said with a chuckle, "Yes I should... and I do... love you....."

John winked at her and leaned in closer, saying, "Cute... she's a poet and she knows it... God, I love you!" he added, staring into those amazing eyes of hers. Another kiss and they were on their way again.......