Written by: Sandra Bondelier
And in your eyes I see ribbons of color
I see us inside of each other..........
She was staring at him unobtrusively, his direct line of sight blocked by a friend... There was something so familiar about him, or was it a familiar feeling within herself, some response he stimulated deep inside her being, something she saw in those sparkling blue eyes? Was it about having a man pay attention to her in that special way... or was it about letting go of Roman... or both? 'Gosh, it's so confusing...' In the next second, she heard her deceased husband's teasing voice inside her head, "No, Doc... you're just analyzing it to death... let yourself feel your way this time. It's okay... let go of the control... don't think so much..."
She answered silently, with a soft smile on her face, 'You're right, Roman.. I am thinking too much... I *do* need to feel my way this time.' He knew her so well.
In the next moment, the handsome object of her romantic glare was standing next to her. John Black was a man of mystery, constantly underfoot and then unexpectedly elusive, slightly shy and yet affable, then suddenly sullen and withdrawn, in the next moment, angry, almost hostile and rejecting of her. The man was an enigma and she was eternally fascinated by him and his ever changing moods. There was some innate sense she had about him... she believed the man was hurting and running scared and sometimes she got too close to where it hurt, but he wouldn't say it... No, this was a proud man, a strong man, but underneath all the stereotypical male bravado was a very vulnerable and wounded soul. That was what drew her in, what made her want to reach out to him, even if he did snap at her occasionally.
"Hello Marlena... I'm uh... glad to see you... because... well there's something I've been meaning to say... " he said it so softly, his eyes slightly hidden.
"Oh... " she said, clearly noncommital. He had one of his little moods and practically bit her head off earlier in the day and she hadn't seen him the rest of the day.
"Yes... I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier... I'm sorry... things just.. get to piling up sometimes and you were... well, you were there and I took it out on you, I'm sorry."
"That happens to the best of us... I forgive you... but John, if there's something bothering you... I hope you know you can talk to me about it. They tell me I'm a pretty good listener."
He flashed her that sweet boyish smile, a little on the bashful side and then he said, "Uh.. yes, I've heard that about you... But, you don't have to worry about me... everything's fine with me... in fact, I couldn't be better," he said with exaggerated enthusiasm she saw right through.
"Oh... how's that, John..." she said questioningly, captivated by the sound of his voice.
"Well, I'm about to have dinner with the most beautiful lady in the city of Salem, that is.. if you'll let me buy you dinner as an apology, Doctor Evans.."
He had a knack for taking her completely by surprise and she found herself speechless for a long second or two, her face turning a soft shade of pink at his unexpected compliment. The way he was looking at her... was mesmerizing and she flashed on a vision... a hazy soft picture and a feeling of warmth and comfort with him by her side.. What did it mean?
I feel my unconscious merge with yours And I hear a voice say, "What's his is hers"
There was something about her that made him feel safe and warm, like being at her side was where he belonged for all of his life. And yet... he felt so nervous sometimes... all tongue tied and awkward as a school boy with a crush on the prettiest girl in class... It was unnerving to him and he didn't know what to make of it. There was some feeling of losing control and that scared him too.... but at the same time... it was glorious!
I'm falling into you
Falling into you
This dream could come true...............
A feeling of falling came over her.... Could it be happening so fast as this? Smiling pleasantly, she finally answered, "Allright, John.. thank you.. I'd like that... just give me a few minutes to finish up some details with my case files and I'll be right with you."
"Great!" he said a little too excitedly, then immediately tempered his response... "Uh... I mean... that's fine by me... I'll just hang around out here until you're ready..."
And it feels so good falling into you.......
'Oh... he's so cute when he does that,' she was thinking as she watched him tilt his head downward, avoiding her gaze, not wanting to give himself away.
I was afraid to let you in here.......
How was it that this handsome man, who was in so many ways still a stranger, could make her feel such powerful visceral sensations? John was swiftly making his way into her heart and it was frightening because she'd built some very good, very strong walls to keep out the pain, ever since Roman was murdered by that Bastard Stefano Dimera. And, then without any warning John Black waltzed into town and began to rock her world in ways she'd never dreamed would happen for her again. It was as wonderful as it was terrifying for her to even begin to acknowledge his effect on her.
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear.......
John was going through the same thing.... and it was overwhelming sometimes. There were some moments when he thought that he could never leave her presence, as if he would die without her in his life, and yet in others, he wanted to run away and hide from her amazing insights into his psyche. It was as if she knew things about him, things he didn't even know about himself. He didn't understand how that was possible, for a virtual stranger to read him so well, when he didn't even know his own name. And, he had his walls too... but she was breaking them down; slowly and surely, Marlena Evans was chipping away at his defenses and reaching inside to the frightened child trapped within... the one who had no idea who he was or where he belonged, the one who desperately needed to be known and loved and wanted, to belong somewhere.
The walls begin to tumble down
And I can't even see the ground..........
'What is he so afraid of... what am I so afraid of? Is it that we've both been hurt, that we might find some happiness and we don't want to lose it like before, so we back off... What?' she was asking herself, as she finished up the last of the notes she needed to write. Grabbing her coat, she stepped out into the hallway and glanced over at him... he was sitting alone, his head in his hands, looking forlorn, about as lonely as a soul could be. Standing a few feet away was a young woman holding a newborn baby... obviously ready to take it home.. surrounded by a number of other family members. They were laughing and smiling, about as happy as any group of people could be... and John periodically looked over at them. For a second, his face bore a trace of a smile, and then it would transform into a nearly profound expression of sadness, as if he had never known love at all. It broke her heart to see him in pain like that and she was determined to find out the source of it. 'Oh... John... what is that happened to make you so sad.. and why do you think you have to hide it?'
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true.........
John looked up to see her expression, realizing she had seen his pain... so he covered immediately, thinking of what to say to explain it away. "Oh...hi, Marlena.... I forgot to ask... do you have any aspirin... I've got a whopper of a headache right now..."
"Oh... I was wondering... well, yes... I've got some in my office, I'll go get it for you." She knew he was making excuses so she wouldn't ask about what she'd seen... John was hurting, but it wasn't from any headache and they both knew it. However, for now... it would remain unspoken. Their eyes met and said as much.
With a weak smile he responded quietly, wishing that he could tell someone what was going on... sometimes it was such a lonely existence. "Thanks... I appreciate it.. I don't want anything to spoil our.. dinner."
And it feels so good falling into you.........
"No, neither do I, John," she said matching his tone, wishing he'd open up to her... Maybe, after we're settled and relaxed he'll share it with me, she was thinking as she paused by her office door and turned to glance over at him once more. He was watching that same family again... it was two sets of grandparents, the happy couple and their newborn... preparing to leave for home where they could celebrate in private. The look on his face when he thought no one could see him... it was a soul deep pain she was seeing there. She didn't remember the last time she'd even had a patient who was hurting as much as he appeared in some moments to be. All she wanted to do was hold him, and make him feel the love she believed he needed so badly. She wanted to be the one to give him that love.
Falling like a leaf, falling like a star..........
John looked up again to see her staring at him worriedly, "So, you ready to go then?" he said putting on a broad smile for her benefit. No sense making her wonder about him... he couldn't tell her the truth... not yet, and maybe not ever. It was just too risky.
"Yes, and here's that aspirin for you," she said extending her hand. When their fingers met, a tiny spark was ignited. John wanted to be with her, to love her, no... to be loved by her, but he knew they weren't there yet and he withdrew the hand without comment.
"Oh... yea, thanks a lot," he said taking it from her and popping it in his mouth. She offered a glass of water as well and he downed it quickly, then tossed the paper cup out. "Allright then, let's get going, I'm hungry, how about you?" he said enthusiastically, completely transforming his expression for her benefit.
Slightly unnerved by his ability to redirect his focus and change his demeanor so quickly, she said, "Uh, yes... I am too... let's go."
Finding a belief........
When he looked into her eyes, he saw everything he ever wanted and needed. He felt safe and secure, and even hopeful when she was nearby, most of the time. But sometimes, her astute observations about him were discomfitting and he needed to pull back... he knew it upset her, but his reactions were beyond his control, instinctual. John was compelled to follow them to their natural conclusion and sometimes that meant running out on the lovely lady doctor and her questions....
Falling where you are..........
More than anything else, Marlena wanted to make him feel comfortable and relaxed. He was so tense sometimes, like a spring getting ready to uncoil. No... she wanted to... Love... was it love? There were some moments when it felt so right and true being with him, like they were falling in love, like it was meant to be... or was it merely physical attraction? 'You're doing it again, Doc...' she heard that soft voice cautioning. Inside, she smiled. Even in death Roman was with her, wanting her to be happy again.
She was so beautiful.. in every conceivable way... so much that exuded from her very pores. There was this undefinable quality she possessed, a timeless elegance and ageless grace in her manner and he wanted to be around her as much as he possibly could. He basked in her presence and yet he was afraid of what it meant for him, afraid of what she'd discover about him... afraid of what he'd find out about himself, and then maybe... she wouldn't want anything to do with him ever again. John knew he couldn't handle that....
"So, what do you think you're in the mood for Marlena?" he was asking pleasantly, dismissing the negative thoughts that were swirling around inside his head. 'Go with the moment,' he was telling himself.
"Oh, I don't know... anything is fine by me..."
"Well... there's this hot dog place that's really kind of...." he started and then quickly thought better of it... "But, I don't suppose that's your kind of place... never mind... How about Blondies... we can swing by my place and I'll change."
He was sweet when he backpeddled, but it was unnecessary this time. It would be a nice change from the usual. "No... that's allright, John... I haven't had a hot dog... in a long time. That would be just fine."
The way she said it was strange... as if she were remembering something, and at the same time she was smiling at him, as if that idea suddenly seemed nice. "Marlena.... are you sure? You seem... I don't know... a little sad or something."
"Oh... my.. Now, who is the observant one...." she responded, thinking that it was uncanny how well he sometimes seemed to read her. And, he wasn't even a therapist, he came by that skill naturally.
He winked and flashed her a knowing grin, saying, "I've got a good teacher, Doctor Evans... so.. out with it... Is there something about this that bothers you?"
"No... it's just that.... well, Roman was definitely more comfortable at a diner than a fancy restaurant and you just reminded me of some fond memories... I'd really like to go with you... and have a hot dog," she said with more enthusiasm.
"Okay... as long as you're sure. Let's go... you know they fix em' with the works... chili.. cheese...the whole bit!" he finished, with boyish excitement that was contagious, taking her hand.
"Great... I love them that way... let's go John!" In a second or two they were off on some adventure, glad for company and open to new possibilities.
Catch me, don't let me drop.......
As they tooled along the streets of Salem in the sporty little car he'd bought and then fixed up, John was glancing over at her golden hair and her glistening hazel eyes, highlighted so spectacularly by the streetlights and all of a sudden, it hit him... One John Doe was falling hard and more than anything else, he wanted to just let go and trust that she'd catch him... but he couldn't. Each time he opened up a little bit, he got scared again and shied away. Marlena was watching him too... their eyes met and instinctively she knew that although a part of him wanted to... John believed he couldn't trust anyone... not yet, and as soon as it looked promising, as soon as he shared some tiny piece of himself, he withdrew again..... and she was back to the confusion. How could she reach inside and help him understand that if he would only let her, she would be there for him, always...
Love me don't ever stop........
Marlena wanted him to love her... Was it crazy? How could she want that when she was still getting to know him, when he was still so evasive with her? She was asking herself a thousand questions as they settled down at her place. She had gone into the kitchen to make some tea and he was leaning back against the pillows on the couch to wait for her. When she returned, the sight of him made her swoon. He had fallen fast asleep and he looked so boyishly sweet lying there clutching a pillow to his chest, an afghan loosely covering his body. John was dreaming and it was clear it was a pleasant one.. "I love you.. Doc..." he was muttering, at least that was what it sounded like he said... But how was that possible... Only one person in the world ever called her Doc...and he was dead, had been for seventeen months now... Most definitely unsettled by what she'd heard, Marlena sat down on the edge of the couch to watch the slow steady rise and fall of his chest, wondering as she brushed a stray lock of hair from his face... What does this mean?
So close your eyes and let me kiss you........
She leaned down over him, wishing she could kiss him, imagining what it might feel like, wishing they were ready... "Mmm... Oh, Marlena...." he moaned quietly. That was it, she couldn't hold back any longer, leaning in to kiss him softly on the lips. Still unaware, he kissed her back, and then he woke up slightly... stimulated by the sudden warmth that was radiating throughout his body. Instantly, she moved away again and covered him more completely. When contact was broken, John gradually settled back down into sleep and she sighed, wishing it could be different, thinking about how it might be to actually make love with him.
And while you sleep, I will miss you.......
There was a noise, probably the furnace kicking in, and he startled awake suddenly, sitting up wondering where he was. It came to him... he must have fallen asleep on Marlena's couch. 'How embarassing,' he was thinking as he sat up and looked around the room. His eyes landed on the chair a few feet away and he grinned. Marlena had apparently done the same thing. John took a minute to clear the cobwebs and then sat there in the quiet stillness of the night, admiring her dozing form. She must be an angel... so warm and kind, so willing to help other people, always giving, always reaching out.... She reached out to me... and she knows what I need before I do.... "Yea... pretty lady, that's it, you must be my guardian angel..." he was whispering softly, as he too edged himself closer to her, gently brushing the hair out of her face. 'I sure wish I could tell you what's really going on with me... I wish... that I could just.... let myself.. trust you. I'm just so... afraid that if I find out who I really am.... I'll turn out to be some horrible person like Stefano Dimera and then... you'll hate me and I.... couldn't take that.... Doctor Evans.... I just couldn't take that. Because you see... I think... no, I know... that I'm falling in love you lady..." He said the last part of it out loud, not noticing that her eyelids fluttered slightly.
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true......
Had she heard him right... did John just say what she thought he'd said? Did he just say that he was falling in love with her? No, it had to be a dream, she said inside her mind, fighting off sleep to open her eyes and peer up at someone sitting on the couch next to her, his head resting in his hands. It was John speaking so tenderly, so sweetly about her, to her... 'Oh, my gosh... this means that.... Oh, John.' She sat up quickly, not wanting to lose the moment, "John.... did you just say.... what I think you said?"
And it feels so good falling into you...........
It was positively shocking to hear her speaking to him and to know that she'd heard him, that he practically jumped up off the couch... "Oh... hi... you're... awake... I uh... was just... uh..."
So it was true... he had admitted to himself that he loved her, but wasn't ready to say it to her face... She smiled widely, wanting to play with it a little bit. "You were just... what, John?"
Falling like a leaf.......
"Uh.... I... uh was going to apologize for... falling asleep on you here... it's not you.. I guess I've been working a little too much lately, sorry.." he said with a nervous smile, hoping she'd take his hint and leave it alone for the time being.
"That's okay, John... I understand... you know it's really getting late, why don't you just spend the night...." This was one of those really awkward moments between a man and a woman who were falling in love, but not at all ready to say the words out loud, yet so afraid of saying or doing something that would ruin future possibilities.
Taking a safe step away, John stammered out some sort of response, "Uh...well actually.. I think maybe I should...." he started.
Falling like a star.......
"On the couch, John... I was talking about the couch," she said with a fun teasing giggle which cut the tension and made him laugh too.
His face turned a slight shade of pink, barely noticeable to most, and then with another shy smile, he tried to cover, "Oh.. yea...I knew that... really I did." He couldn't quite look at her, thinking that she'd know for sure how he felt if he did. And, maybe it was too late for that...
Finding a belief, falling where you are..........
"So... what's the verdict, John... are you staying or going?" Marlena asked him pleasantly, her eyes twinkling with multiple meanings. Was he going to run away again or stay and face the truth of his strong feelings for her, as well as hers for him. Looking at her, gazing at him romantically as she was, John was frozen in place, awestruck and speechless, and yet in his heart of hearts, he wanted to tell her how he felt... his eyes saying, 'I'm staying... pretty lady, I'm staying forever...'
And it feels so good
Falling into you
Falling into you.......
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