I'm sorry I never got to give you that card. I'm sorry I tore it to pieces after we argued about something I can't even remember. I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you on that day how much I love you.

It's been nearly seven years since you left and surprised me. Seven years. I didn't even realize it had been that long. I know I've moved on; but somehow I feel like I'm still searching for you. Yet I also know that you never really stopped looking after me. It was like having a real angel by my side, helping me live life without hurting too much.

Now here I am, once again being reminded of your love. Like you, it is beautiful and everlasting.

A Happy Mothers' Day to all mothers!

* * *

I snatched these from my cousin's LJ:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am murdered by anticipation. No, really. Why can't they just show it now? Why the hell do we have to wait until freakin' sixmonthsfromnowNovember? Heartless capitalists!

Days and nights haunt me with
thoughts of you--
clear and beautiful.
your name is a lingering spark,
burning scarlet traces before my eyes.
an inch of space is where you transpire,
brushing warm breath on my skin.
my troubled arms grapple the air
to where you must be,
but like smoke you fade
away.

My future is shaped by you;
you wrap your wings like fingers
around my fragile form.
in the past we must be lovers
embracing the sun--
consuming each other with fiery passion.

But similitude has changed us;
like water you recede.
my soul journeys to find you
yet you hide in the shadow of your pretenses.
while my love is enduring
and yours is untouchable,
am I ready to let you go?

* * *

I read that Cole will be appearing in an episode of Charmed this season (next next Tuesday on Star World, to be exact). Interesting.

*  *  *

I've been wanting to know this for so long: what's the difference between divorce and annulment? Anyone?

*  *  *

I wonder what it's like to have a terminal illness, one that would cause no amount of pain and would let you live for roughly another year. Of course there is no such thing. Still, if I'd have it my way, I'd prefer to die, peacefully, on the 25th of August.

I dreamt of God in the form of a teacher. I knelt down in front of her and said a prayer. She smiled at me when I was done.

* * *

Today is May 5, 2005. 05-05-05. I just wanted to say that.

* * *

I could care less anyway, coz Anthony's banners are still up. But he and Vonzell would have to earn more votes to stiletto Bo's ugly epileptic face and his wishy-washy performances off the stage.

And Simon's quite right about calling Carrie "robotic". It's like 99% (here I go again) of her mind is always focused on singing the notes right. What about letting it all out and simply having fun? Vonzell messes up and yet she owns the stage. I think Carrie might have picked up a morbid fear of messed up vocals.

* * *

She was smiling when she left. And I'm happy for her.

She was proud of her accomplishments. She was satisfied with how far she had gone. And although she didn't make it till the end, we all knew she could do it. And she knew it too.

She was a real survivor--being the last the remaining member of Ulong to make it to the merge, and the being the smartest and strongest (in my opinion) among all the women in both tribes.

And the only thing good about her leaving is that she's now a member of the jury and we'll finally be able to see her all washed and dressed up.

Now that's a surprise. I swear when Ryan Seacrest spoke Constantine's name, I expected he would mention next that Constantine is safe. 'Coz just last week the first name he called out (Scott) was. But Ryan did the opposite this week and Constantine had to go home...

Good, 'coz I wanted Anthony to stay. I was just forcing myself to expect that Anthony would go home (especially since it was Constantine standing beside him) so that when it happens, I won't be so surprised. Yet I was surprised when Ryan said Constantine got the lowest number of votes. I mean, he's still Constantine, and I kinda thought he had too many fans to vote for him despite his not-so-good performance last night. Unfortunately for him, it apparently wasn't enough to keep him in the competition.

Also looking into the votes from Asia, Constantine was in the top 3 along with Bo and Carrie. Ironically, he even got the highest number of votes. So it also came out as a surprise (despite the fact that I knew that Asia's votes were not counted) that Scott was in the top 3 and Constantine wasn't. Even my top 3 was different: Bo, Vonzell, and Anthony. And look how Vonzell and Anthony fell into the bottom three.

Sorry to any Scotty fans out there but I wish he'd get sent home next week. I still don't like him no matter how well he performs. So much for the "rockers"--Bo's the only one left. So I guess this time it's really down to individual competition--rocker vs. country girl vs. diva-ish vs. miracle dude vs. er, ordinary guy.

Quick Recap:

It finally rained today.

I looked out the window and a woman in her thirties was knocking on our gate using a coin. Her only shelter from the rain was the extended roof of our porch. My father came out and asked what she needed. She said she was trying to collect money for a heart surgery.

My father told her we had nothing to give. Then he told me he didn't believe her. I was just starting to eat lunch. And it was hard for me to swallow that someone would bear standing under the rain and knocking on strangers' houses just to beg for money. She must have badly needed it, and it didn't matter to me whether or not she was telling the truth. I just found myself wanting to run outside and give her a coat, or an umbrella perhaps. But it all remained a thought.

Finally she left the shade of our roof and crossed the street to the opposite house. My father was watching through the window and he said our neighbor had given her some coins. I wondered where she would go next, I wondered about the person who supposedly needed a heart surgery, and then I wondered still if the woman would be able to collect enough money to actually pay for it.

Finally, I wondered why people like us don't have enough trust and compassion when there are people like them who are helpless and in-need. And I hated myself for not being able to do anything. Somewhere out there, the woman was still standing, knocking on gates and begging for money. And the rain continued to pour.

Today's episode of The Amazing Race clearly showed how karma and balance work. Rob tricked Uchenna, Joyce, Meredith and Gretchen into believing that there was an earlier flight to Istanbul, which turned out to be somewhat true, causing those two teams to take the lead. That was a hard slap on the face for Rob.

Ron and Kelly, on the other hand, arrived last at the pit stop, but were lucky because it turned out to be a non-elimination leg. To add to that, they picked up the gnome that won them a special prize. It's really interesting to see how things turned out in the end no matter what happened during the race.

As for Meredith and Gretchen, they're really starting to show real determination, and who knows? They might just win.

* * *

When it was Bo Bice's turn to perform in American Idol, I was surprised to hear the band play I Don't Want To Be by Gavin DeGraw. That's one of my favorite contemporary songs, and it's also in the soundtrack of One Tree Hill. It was a little hard to sing but Bo still nailed it.

Vonzell's song was another surprise. It's difficult to sing Christina Aguilera's songs especially I Turn to You. Simon was right though, it did sound a bit off during the beginning (which I think was caused by the poor arrangement), but as usual, Vonzell was able to hit those high notes.

Anthony himself was the biggest surprise. I knew he had a great voice, but I didn't know he could belch and sustain long notes like that. His performance was really impressive, considering that he sang a Celine Dion song. If he continues performing well, he just might find himself competing with, probably Bo and Vonzell, to be in the final two.

Carrie, on the other hand, I think, is becoming monotonous. I wanna see her perform something other than the usual country music and really nail it. I hate that the judges didn't like her singing Love is a Battlefield a few weeks ago and I wish they wouldn't box her up in just one genre. Although "rockers" seem to be running the competition, versatility is still an important factor.

Constantine is good, but he must redeem himself next week if he gets the chance 'coz his performance, like Randy said, was run of the mill.

As for Scott Savol, well, the guy always does his best, but this week it just didn't seem to work.

I wonder who gets booted out tomorrow. I hope it won't turn out to be another surprise.

Edit: My top and bottom three

(sick cycle carousel)

Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get to down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this.

When will this end, it goes on and on
Over, and over, and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good.

I never thought I'd end up here
I never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong.

* * *

(breathing)

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be.

* * *

(everything)

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything.

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything
Everything.

* * *

(you and me)

It's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you.

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here.

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out.

* * *

(hanging by a moment)

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you.

There's something I never thought I would be able to do. Just the thought of doing it makes my heart pound and my stomach churn. Amazingly, I was finally able to do it. And I almost thought the anxiety would kill me.

Why? Why am I like this? Why do I get this feeling?

Insert: And why the hell does it seem like you're denying me?

It's a bad mix of emotions--envy, jealousy, insecurity, anger, frustration--what else is lacking? I hate this. Basically 'coz it's wrong. I just want to wish it all away. If I can channel other people's emotions towards me, then why can't I channel my own emotions away?

Insert: Is it just me, or is it you? I'm guessing it's both.

* * *

No one is online. There's no one to talk to.

It sucks to feel alone.

* * *

I was having a phone conversation with my cousin, Frances, about an hour ago, and we were talking about crushes and love. Her friend had made up some kind of 'scale' which sort of measures the intensity of what you're feeling.

What level are you in?

Levels 1 to 3 are easy to tell apart. But for me it's hard to differentiate love from infatuation. How do you know if you're already in love? Can you tell if it's only an infatuation? When does infatuation become love? These are only some of the questions I keep on asking. And still we don't know the answers. 'Coz how can one really tell?

* * *

Have you ever experienced not seeing someone close to you for a long time, that you missed him or her so badly and longed to see him or her every single day, but when you finally met, you didn't feel anything, like it didn't have any impact whatsoever?

It's weird, I know. But it happens.

* * *

Bebs is now online. At least that's one.

First things first: I wish Nina a happy birthday!

* * *

Here I am, eating peanuts and feeling depressed, while reading Mace's blog. Sadly, the reason why I'm depressed is too personal to put in here.

* * *

Everyone else in the house is sleeping, and this is my favorite time of the day--when I'm struggling to keep up, fighting my already droopy eyelids, and enjoying the silence of the ironically warm night. At the same time, I'm also wondering why I always end up having nowhere to go while I'm surfing the net when there's millions of websites out there. How can I not choose one and just go there? Maybe 'coz they're all just the same to me and I'm looking for something else.

* * *

Leo told me this evening that he likes the rain. He wished that it would rain soon. Before, I always hated it when it rained. I hated being outside and getting wet, I hated having to bring and put up an umbrella, I hated mud, I hated dark clouds, I hated thunder, I hated lighting, I hated the somber mood.

But it all changed when I read this book (Is it Piedra? Why can't I remember? Argh!). The rain suddenly seems so magical, that having raindrops touch your skin is a shower of blessing from God. And then I seem to enjoy those walks under a drizzle. And seem to long being able to stand under the rain again.

But watching the rain from inside the house and out the window is a different experience (despite the fact that you don't get wet). It's hard to explain, but it's like seeing the world come alive again right before your eyes. It reminds you of plants and trees getting their needed supply of water, of the changing seasons, and of a cycle that goes on and on and never stops. And if you're lucky, you'll get to see the rainbow afterwards, and it'll remind you of God's everlasting promise. Like the way he promises to be always at your side.

* * *

It's so hot. I wish it would rain soon.

Now the real problem with this type of discussion is that it doesn't need to be resolved because there is never really an issue to begin with. Simply put, no matter how much we may desire to look good and be "in", we still know that inner beauty is far more superior than physical beauty. It's just that we still go on worrying too much about how we look anyway. And then it gets thrown as the show's final message, which is like saying we pretended not to know that for a while. Despite the tons of other issues they could have delved into, they chose to waste an episode for sheer publicity. Hence, borrowing Paolo Paraiso's word, the whole thing was "superficial". Too bad they still did it.

Furthermore, to add to the nonsensicality, there was Manoling Morato acting as the show's "special guest". He came in late, well after the first break, and when he was asked his initial remark, he dumbly asks the hosts what "abs" are, and after getting a quick and simple answer, ignorantly asks what the topic is. Can you not be a guest in a show when you don't know what you're supposed to do? It was either too short a notice that they didn't have time to tell him what the topic was, or he was just stupid as to forget. Either way, it was ridiculous. Oh, Manoling. Did you even know what studio you had entered?

The only good thing was Sir Joey being there to share his wit. I wonder what he thinks of Manoling right now...