Hidden Scars
Note: Based on "The Dance" episode or whatever it's called. A change of events from what really happened.
Personal Note: This story deals with a serious issue, so be warned that there is material here that may be offensive to some people. And for others, be warned that this is TRIGGERING
Another Note: If you wish to find more information on self-injury this is a webpage you should go to. Self-Injury: A Struggle.
Drops of blood
dripping from the razor
each drop a scream
of pain so deep.
~Anonymous
Andie slowly walked down the school hallway, her blues eyes anxiously searching for the tall figure of Pacey. She found him, dancing in the arms of Kristy Livingstone, his head buried in the blond cheerleaders hair. Shock froze her, a feeling of numbness began to creep over her body. She should have known that this would happen. Andie knew she was unworthy, unlovable. But, for once, she had allowed herself to hope that a boy would ever like her. Nervously, she began to claw at her wrists, scratching them with long fingernails. Then, she fled, blond hair flying out from behind her.
Perhaps sensing he was being watched, Pacey looked up. His eyes grew wide as he saw the retreating figure of Andie that was running down the hallway. Guilt swept over him and he tore himself out of Kristy's arms. But Andie saw none of this.
***
Andie's face was anxious as she quietly slipped her key in the lock on the front door. Letting herself in she listened for any sounds. She wanted to make sure her mother was asleep. She went upstairs to her bedroom and instantly headed for the dresser. Andie opened the bottom drawer and dug underneath the neatly folded clothes.
Trembling hands closed over the small metal box that lay hidden underneath her clothes, unoticeable unless you knew where to look for it. Andie pulled it free and headed for her bed. She reached underneath her pillows and pulled out a black towel that she kept there for times like these. She spread the towel next to her and opened the box. Inside were her razor blades, lined neatly in a row.
She grabbed one, cutting herself as the blade slipped between fingers that trembled. Trembled, not with fear, but with anticipation and need. She held the razor over her arm, pressing it firmly against the soft flesh. Slowly, Andie drew the blade across her arm, feeling the sharp, stinging pain. She watched as the cut quickly began to fill up with crimson blood. Blood that welled up and began to drip down. These were the only tears she could shed, red and full of pain. She slashed with the razor blade again, feeling it's sharp edge buried in her flesh, helping her express the pain she felt deep inside.
Andie lost track of the time, everything blurring together. She only stopped when she heard the knocking at the front door. Hurriedly she rubbed the sticky blood off the razor as best she could. Still, dried blood clung to the blade; it's color turned dingy brown. She would have to come back and clean it later. Andie put the razor back in the box and rushed to the dresser. She buried the metal box underneath the clothes once more, concealing it.
The knock at the door came again, louder and more insistent. She heard Pacey's muffled voice call, "Andie!" What was Pacey doing here? Hadn't he already hurt her enough, she couldn't take much more stress and emotional pain.
Fear, at being caught, rushed through her. She grabbed the towel and wrapped it around her arm, which was red and raw and bleeding. Her eye was caught by the bright drops of blood on the floor. She hurried over and wiped them up. Andie stood up and looked around. Everything looked normal and neat. The knocking downstairs continued, she could hear her mother going to answer it.
Andie went to her closet and quickly changed into a pair of black jeans and a big, black baggy sweater. She didn't have a chance of tending her wounds, unless she wanted to risk discovery. Cutting was her secret, the only thing that could keep her from killing herself. It kept her sane, for now at least.
Andie could hear Pacey and her mother talking quietly downstairs. Then she hear him rushing upstairs to her room. She waited for him...she would get him out of her life forever.
The door to her room burst open as Pacey ran in. "Andie!" he exclaimed, "You got it all wrong. I'm sorry."
Andie pasted a fake smile on her face, and they talked.
***
Later on that night Andie lay in her bed, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. She and Pacey were together now, officially. For the first time in years she felt the warm feeling of happiness. She felt so light, but a heavy weight was still chained to her. She hadn't told Pacey about the cutting. It was just one of many of her secrets. But maybe he would be the one to get her out of this darkness.
To be continued...
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