Ever since I saw Hyde give Donna some advice on her crush for the 'scrawny little neighbor boy' who we all adore, I have been pondering something: what if Hyde gave advice to all the residents of that crazy town in Wisconsin? I mean, look at that face..he's a guy you can trust.
OK, maybe not, but heck, his advice sure as heck could be funny. Granted, it wouldn't necessarily be HELPFUL, but still funny.
So, without further ado, here's Ask Hyde!, the advice column with a warped mind, a ganja leaf belt buckle, and a white-boy Afro. If you have any letter ideas, write away. Remember...even if this boy may be in prison in ten years, he can still screw up your life with the written word!
Dear Hyde,
My son is a good kid--a little rusty on squat-thrusts and athletics, but still a decent enough kid. However, lately I have been under the impression that he hangs out with a bunch of losers. One of his friends seems to lack any brain activity and has this laugh that my poor wife can hear all the way upstairs--once she even messed up a lovely dish of tuna casserole because of this buffoon. Another one seems to be a Canadian or some other foreigner who has eaten all the corn chips in my home. Also, there's one with frizzy hair...well, let's not even start talking about that screw-up. All three of these boys seem to be orphans because they are always over my house lounging in my basement. A few weeks ago, I even caught them trying to sneak beer out of my refrigerator!
I am worried that these boys are becoming a bad influence on my son. Lately, my son has been a little rebellious, even going as far as to streak through a political rally...with his socks on! What is this world coming to? Should I tell my son to quit hanging out with these boys ro should I leave them be?
Worried in Wisconsin
Hyde sez....
Hey there worried(derivative name, by the way),
I think that you should quit worrying about your kid's friends, though I would suggest pumping up that scrawny little neighbor boy of yours and watch out for that redhead he keeps hanging out with. We're living in a time of freedom, Pops, and, last time I checked, there was a section in the Constitution about freedom of choice. Let your son have his friends over all of the time! Support their friendships! Jeez, the occasional beer wouldn't hurt either(May I suggest Budweiser in a bottle? Not that I drink or anything...). Just relax and fix some more stuff around the house.
By the way....it isn't frizzy! Let it be known that CURLY haired people will one day rule the planet.
Dear Hyde,
I have a boyfriend who I love dearly, despite the fact that my father seems to think he's a doofus. My problem is that lately, my Michael seems to be a little distant. He claims that he 'forgot' to find me a ticket to Todd Whatever-His-Name-Is's concert. To make matters worse, he had his weird foreign friend listening to one of our conversations on the phone! What can I do to make everything better?
Michael's Mademoiselle
Hyde sez....
Well, for starters, you could back off from your poor whipped man for ten seconds every day! Remember, we all need room to breathe, especially if we're like Michael and just got a frontal lobotomy. You should know better than anyone that he finds the concept of breathing AND doing anything else at the same time very difficult, so why must you demand so much? Accept your anatomically correct Ken doll for what he is...and let his foreign friend have some fun. The poor guy is so lonely that he almost accosted that little dustbunny Tina Pinciotti.
Dear Hyde,
Sometimes I get the feeling that my friends think I am stupid. I mean, they always call me stupid, so that is a hint, right? The person who always treats me especially bad is named Hyde. Whoa, that's weird. This column is TO Hyde and I am writing about a Hyde! Maybe you know Steve....
Anyway, this Hyde guy treats me like I'm beneath him, plus he always rags on my girlfriend. He keeps trying to tear us apart because he says she's 'annoying'. If he wants annoying, he should realize that Forman always gets up to make toast midways through his alien cow ramblings, but that isn't the subject. I am.
You know what I think? I think Hyde(and everyone else) is jealous of my butt. I mean, when I wear those butthuggers, my girlfriend squeals like I just did my Chico impression. Also, I think this all proves the fact that my body is a curse. I don't know why I was cursed. Maybe I peed on some sort of curse-giving person when I was a baby or something.
Anyway, Hyde, could you help me? I want my friends to see that I'm not stupid, just good looking. Can you help?
Cursed in Can...um, Kun...Kinosha...Whatever.
Hyde sez...
Well, Mr. Egomaniac, did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, you lack a bit of brainpower? I suggest that you start trying to improve yourself fast before you wear too many strands of pucca beads and squeeze all three of your fighting brain cells out of your head. There is hope...a thin, thin sliver of hope, but still...it's there. Start off by dumping that annoying(yes, annoying. I bet that if your friends hear your Chico impression ONE MORE TIME, they'll wring your neck with that Boy Scout belt.)girlfriend of yours. Then, respect that Hyde friend of yours. Give him money. Let him share your french fries instead of Forman or that saucy redhead. Just remember, he treats you like you're beneath him for a reason--namely, because you are. Accept it.
Oh, and remember these two things: one, Hyde knows best. His alien cow theories do have merit, which you'll relaize once you get kidnapped by an alien vessel(though, your intelligence suggests that the aliens passed you over long ago). Second...dude, your butt isn't that great. MY butt looks good in David Bowie butthuggers. if anything is a curse, it's your damn hair.
Go home! You're going to be late for your job at Fatso Burger!
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