“Good morning, Carrie.”
“Hi.”
“How are you feeling today?”
“Very. . . guilty, I guess. Must be my Catholic upbringing.”
“Oh?”
“Just a pathetic attempt at a weak joke, pay it no mind.”
“All right, then. What would you like to talk about today?”
“Hmmm, that’s a tough one.”
“Not really, just tell me what’s on your mind and we’ll go from there.”
“Okay. Well, I woke up this morning and, of course, Austin wanted to. . .”
“To. . .?”
“You know, ‘make love.’”
“You say that as if it’s a euphemism.”
“Yeah, I suppose that it is. God, it’s really hard to talk about this. . .”
“It’s okay, I understand. Just remember that everything we talk about is between us. It’s part of the patient-therapist contract.”
“I know, but it’s so. . . embarrassing.”
“I understand.”
“Well, here goes. Austin is very, um, uninventive. He finds a manner of behaving and he persists in pursuing it if it works for him. For the longest time he didn’t refer to me as anything but ‘my wife’ to other people. It really started to annoy me and when I spoke to him about it, he told me I was out of my mind. He said, ‘Well, you are my wife, and I see no reason why I shouldn’t refer to you as such.’ And then I said, ‘But I have a name, Austin, and it upsets me when I find that I’m being made to feel like an object rather than a human being.’ Then he got all upset and it just got worse from there.”
“Sounds like he has a hard time breaking out of a rut that he becomes comfortable in.”
“No kidding. You know how I told all about the whole ‘Sami Issue’? Well, she’s on trial right now for murder (she’s been accused of killing her would-be groom, I don’t know if she did it or not and I don’t really care, if you want to know the truth), and now he’s insisting on dropping everything to support her and he keeps on bugging me about taking care of Will if she’s convicted.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“Well, when he first suggested it, I was furious. I mean, Will has a father, and his name is Lucas. Granted, Lucas tried to kidnap Will on Sami’s wedding day, but that doesn’t mean that he should be kept from his son. He only tried to take Will away from Sami because she told him that he’d never see Will again once she and Franco were married and living in California. Do you know she actually got a restraining order against Lucas because he tried to visit Will without supervision? What kind of a woman would do that to the father of her child. I was so upset when I heard about that, and it’s hard to try to talk to Austin about it because he’s always, ‘Oh, poor little Sami!” and “Will doesn’t need that drunkard in his life.’ I’m just sick of the whole mess. Sami accused me of not wanting to take care of Will because I hate her. Well, that’s not true. I don’t hate Sami, I just dislike her intensely, and her methods of getting what she wants are really beyond the pale.”
“If Lucas was not in the picture, how would you feel about taking care of Will?”
“I’d still be skeptical. Sami’s got Kate, she’s got Marlena, she’s got Dad, and she’s got Grandma and Grandpa. Each of them would be thrilled to take Will. Why Austin and me? I really think that she’s trying to manipulate Austin into believing her and he’s getting caught up in her schemes again. It’s driving me crazy. And when he wakes me up in the morning before I go to work so we can ‘practice making a baby,’ that’s just making me want to find somewhere else to sleep at night. I’m a career woman. I want to make a life for myself before I even entertain the idea of having a family. He can’t understand that and it’s really insensitive of him to keep insisting on having children before I’m ready.”
“Did you talk about careers and children before you got married?”
“No. . . We got married in a hurry. It was like we practically eloped. And we’d been apart for a long time before that. I should have listened to Mike. . .”
“Tell me about Mike.”
“Where do I start? He’s really smart, he’s a doctor, in fact. He’s sweet, he’s funny, he’s got this fabulous smile and he can always make me laugh. He’s just an all around nice person.”
“It sounds to me like he means a lot to you.”
“God, I don’t know where I’d be without Mike! He got me the job at the hospital, you know. We’d been working on his campaign to become Chief of Staff and the hospital offered me the position of Head of Public Relations because I did such a good job for Mike. You know something, Mike really listens to what I have to say, I can’t tell you how much that means, having a best friend you can talk to like that. Have you ever had that kind of relationship?”
“What kind are you referring to?”
“You know, being best friends with a person who you know will be there for you through thick and thin, come hell or high water. I can breathe easy when I’m with Mike. I think sometimes I spend too much time using his shoulder to cry on. I think that his shoulder has this big magnet that just sucks my face towards it whenever I feel like my world is falling down around my ears.”
“He sounds like a wonderful friend. Is it strictly a one-sided relationship, though?”
“What do you mean?!”
“I mean, does he come to you with his problems?”
“No, not really. I think there’s a good reason for that, though.”
“How do you mean?”
“He’s in love with me.”
“Carrie, that’s quite a thing to say.”
“I know. He told me on New Year’s Eve. Oh, God, I feel so horrible!”
“Carrie, it’s all right--”
“No it’s not! I just stood there like a stupid idiot, not saying anything. What could I say? He tells me ‘I love you” and I just stand there. . .”
“How do you feel about him?”
“Oh, God, I love him too! And there’s nothing I can do about it. I just ran out of that room. And when I kissed my husband on New Year’s Eve, I imagined he was Mike.”
“Is that what you’re feeling guilty about?”
“No. I’m feeling guilty because later that night, when Austin and I were. . ., you know, having sex. . . it was Mike I was thinking of.”
“Carrie, it’s not the worst thing in the world to fantasize about one man while you’re making love to another.”
“You don’t understand--God, this is so embarrassing. . . I. . . can’t have an orgasm while having sex with my husband unless I’m imagining he’s Mike.”
“Oh, Carrie. . .
“What kind of a woman am I?! How can I do this to Austin? He doesn’t deserve it. You know, a long time ago, I was in love with Austin, but now all I think about is Mike. Who do I choose? How do I choose?”
“Do you feel like you have to make a choice?”
“Don’t I? I can’t be with one man and want to be with another at the same time. I can’t live with this dichotomy in my life, it’s killing me! Something’s going to happen and when it does, I have this horrible feeling that Mike and I will do something we’ll regret for the rest of our lives. I’m married to Austin, but I can’t give up Mike. I feel so confused. . .”
“Carrie, what you have to do right now if take stock of your life. Try to keep things on an even keel until you can find some space to sit back and think. I suggest you take a vacation alone and try to discover what you want. You need to remember that you’re in charge of your life. No matter what happens, you’ve got to do what’s right for you.”
“Thanks for listening to me.”
“It’s my pleasure, Carrie.”
“I’ve got to go now. I’ve got a load of papers on my desk and new charity event to plan.”
“Next week, same time?”
“I’ll be there.”
“Don’t work too hard.”
“I won’t. ‘Bye.”
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