~ Chapter 30 ~
Gillian could hear the soft music swirling up from the ballroom as she walked through Wildwind’s doors. Jake was ecstatic to have her on his arm at Pine Valley’s biggest event, the Crystal Ball. As the maids took his coat and her wrap, gently escorting them into the ballroom, Gillian wondered if Ryan had come. Ever sense she’d excepted Jake’s proposal, word had spread around town like wildfire that the two of them were going to be married. She wondered if Ryan had heard, and who had told him. But, most importantly, she wondered how he was taking it. Did he even care at all? “Here we are,” Jake said, as they stepped into the ballroom. Gillian reined in her thoughts, and for the first time took in their surroundings. “It’s beautiful. Edmund’s really outdone himself this year,” she said. “Well, it is the start of a new millennium,” Jake replied. “And, the first year to honor the Andrassy foundation.” Gillian’s smile turned somber. “Yes. I know Dimitri would be proud.” “Yes, he would. And he’d be proud of you, too, Gillian,” Jake said, in an effort to rid her of her sadness. “I think he’d be happy for us.” “Do you really think so?” “I do. He’d be glad that you finally found someone who can give you the happily after ever he knew you always dreamed of.” Gillian smiled faintly, remembering the days when she had lived at Wildwind with Dimitri, and Edmund, and Grandmama.....and Ryan. Dimitri had tried then to help the two of them work things out, back when they were too proud, and too foolish, to even get along. She always felt, until the very end, that Dimitri had secretly harbored a wish for her and Ryan to reunite.....But that was all the past now. This was the start of a new century - a new life - with Jake. “Why don’t I go get us some drinks?” Jake said. “I’ll be right back.” As he left, Gillian willed herself to concentrate on the present, and be happy for what a blessing Jake was in her life. She stepped further into the room, in an effort to find the two of them a table. As she moved into the crowd, she saw Ryan. He was dressed in a simple black tuxedo, like most of the other men there. And, yet, he had an innate sex appeal that all the others lacked - at least in her eyes. He looked just as good, maybe better, than he had the year before, when they went on the run together. He was every bit as handsome as he’d always been. Only now, he wasn’t hers. But, was her ever? Their eyes met across the room and held, for what seemed like an eternity. Why was was that every time she looked into his eyes the whole world, and everyone in it, just faded away? Then, Jake was at her side again, and the spell was broken. But, in that moment, she could see - she could feel - that he knew. And, she had to talk to him, for her sake as much as his. She had to see how he was taking the news that she planned to marry Jake. “What’s wrong, Gillian?” Jake asked, trying to follow her gaze across the room, but coming up empty. “Nothing,” she said, taking the glass of champagne that he handed her. “It’s just been a long year. There’s a lot to think about, to look back on.” “I hope not in regret?” Jake asked. “No,” Gillian answered, firmly. “No regrets. What good do they do anyway?” “Come dance with me,” Jake said. Taking his hand, she followed him onto the dance floor, as the clock struck eleven times.
~Chapter 31 ~
The clock in the hallway said 11:45 as Gillian passed through. Waiting until she thought no one would see her, she slipped outside and headed towards the gardens. Jake was having a discussion with Liza about Colby, so she knew he wouldn’t miss her. Besides, she’d be back by his side at midnight, in time to bring in the new year. In the meantime, she needed to be alone, to think. She walked silently down the trail, looking at the barren rose bushes where, in the summer, hundreds of flowers had bloomed. It reminded Gillian of her life. For a season, she had everything she ever dreamed of. It was beautiful, and it was perfect. But, like the roses, it had wilted and died too soon. Gillian wrapped her arms tightly around herself, to protect against the cold - and the memories. Except for the moon, and the crystal lights Edmund had strung on the trees outside the house, it was dark. And the deeper into the trial she walked, the darker it got. But there was no turning back. Finally, she came to an opening in the path where a wrought iron bench stood beneath a lone tree. Walking over, she sat down. How had everything turned out this way, she wondered? Rubbing her arms with her hands to keep warm, she looked into the distance. Suddenly, she heard a rustling in the bushes. Looking up, she saw Ryan standing there. “Ryan,” she said, getting up, “what are you doing out here?” “Honestly?” he asked. “I followed you.” “I didn’t know anyone saw,” she said quietly, looking away. “What are you doing out here?” he asked. “Thinking. You remember, when we lived here, how I used to walk through the gardens, or go riding, when I got upset......Well, I didn’t think it would be proper to go riding in this,” Gillian said, gesturing down to her dress. “No,” Ryan said. “I guess not.” His eyes trailed up and down her body, taking in every detail, from head to toe. “You look beautiful,” he told her. “Thank you,” Gillian answered, blushing slightly, something she rarely did. “You always do.” A silence followed as they looked into each others eyes. “I suppose I should tell you congratulations,” Ryan finally said. Without answering, Gillian turned her back to him. At first, neither one of them said a word. After a moment, Gillian heard footsteps, and a part of her was sure Ryan had left. Then, she felt his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him. “You came to the loft on Christmas Eve,” Ryan said. “The next day I heard you’d excepted Jake’s proposal.” Ryan saw the questions in her eyes. “I came by Wildwind the next morning, looking for you, and Edmund told me. He said he thought it would be better for me to hear it from him. Why did you come to me that night, Gillian? Were you asking for my permission?” “I didn’t know I needed it,” she said. “You, you don’t,” he answered, removing his hands from her shoulders, and moving away. “I’m just trying to understand what’s going through your mind. You were upset that night. I could see it in your eyes. I don’t know what I did, or said, to make you feel that way.” “Nothing,” Gillian said. “You didn’t say anything.” She looked away, towards the house, and thought of all the happy people celebrating inside. How ironic that she and Ryan were both shut out, alone in the darkness. Even though there were mere feet away from each other, they still weren’t together, in any sense of the word. She looked back into his eyes, wondering if this was the last time they’d have such a moment, and tears began to form. “You know, we could have been good together,” she said, as a tear escaped and landed on her check. Ryan walked back over to her, never taking his eyes off hers. Running his hand across her check, he wiped away the tear. Continuing to caress her face, he said, “We still could be.” From off in the distance, they could hear the citizens of Pine Valley counting down to the new year. “FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” “I think,” Ryan said, “we’re supposed to kiss now.” Cupping her face in his hands, he brought his lips down on hers. The kiss started out gentle, and tender, but Gillian did not hesitate to kiss him back. Sliding one hand around her neck, and the other down at her waist, Ryan deepened the kiss, molding Gillian’s body to his own. His tongue caressed hers as she clung to him fiercely. Seeming to suddenly realize what she was doing, Gillian violently broke away from him. She ran her hand through her hair and closed her eyes, in agony. “Gillian,” Ryan said. “Just go away,” she whispered. “Please....just go.” Turning, Ryan walked down the path and out of sight.
~ Chapter 32 ~
Gillian collapsed on the bench, in despair. Covering her face with her hands, she wept. “Gillian?” She looked up to find Becca standing there. “Gillian, what’s wrong?” she asked, concerned. “Why are you crying?” “Nothing,” Gillian said, wiping her face. “Nothing’s wrong.” Becca sat down on the bench beside her. “Something’s obviously bothering you, Gillian, or you wouldn’t be crying. Please, tell me what it is. Maybe I can help you.” Gillian thought back on her relationship with Becca since she’d come to town. She had wanted to like Becca from the start, because she was Scott’s girlfriend. And, she did like her. She was kind, and understanding. She was even there for Gillian after the divorce, when Ryan would rather chase after Hayley then give her the time of day. But, ever since Scott had moved in with Ryan, she made a point of never discussing her personal life with Becca. “Look, Gillian, if you’re worried about it getting back to Ryan, I promise I won’t tell a soul,” Becca said, earnestly. “You can trust me. That’s what friends are for.” Gillian smiled faintly. She’d never had a real friend. “I’m going to marry Jake,” Gillian said. “I heard you two were engaged. So,” Becca replied, trying to broach the subject, “what’s so wrong about that?” “I think I’m still in love with Ryan.” “Think?” Becca questioned. “I know. I know that I still love him.” “Well, what are you going to do about it?” “I don’t know....I just don’t know,” Gillian said, a rebellious tear falling down. “Okay,” Becca said, putting her hand on Gillian’s, “we’ll figure it out. First things first, how does Ryan feel?” “I don’t know. That’s the problem.” “You were just with him,” Becca said. “Yes. How did you know?” “I watched him follow you outside.” “So, you came to find us?” “I thought Ryan might need some advise. I’ve been watching him for a long time now, at the loft and around town. He’s miserable, Gillian. I think you’re the reason why. What happened out here tonight?” “He kissed me,” Gillian said. “And, I kissed him back. I couldn’t stop myself, God help me.” “But why, Gillian? Why does it have to be such a bad thing, you’re wanting Ryan?” “Because, he doesn’t love me. He only wants me now because he knows he’s lost me to Jake. And, what about Jake? He’s a good man, Becca. He’s kind, and honest, and trustworthy. Ryan can’t even make up his mind about what - or who - he wants.” “But, Gillian,” Becca said, carefully, “even if you don’t want to get back together with Ryan - now or ever - do you think it’s really right for you to marry Jake when you know you’re in love with someone else?” “I can’t help loving Ryan,” Gillian said. “I’ve tried to fight it, but I’ve come to realize he’s just a part of me that will always be there. But that won’t stop me from being the best wife I can be to Jake. I know I can make him happy.” “Well, it sounds to me like you’ve already made you decision, then,” Becca said. “Yes,” Gillian said, realizing that, even after Ryan’s kisses, her resolve to marry Jake was still firm. “I guess I have.” “But,” Becca said, “I hope it’s the decision from you heart. Because no matter what else happens in your life, or what you stand to lose, love is always the most important thing.” Becca got up from the bench. “It’s getting late,” she said. “It’s already after midnight.” “I know,” Gillian said. “We heard.” “Well, I’m going to go back now. Why don’t you come with me?” “No,” Gillian answered. “I can’t. Not yet.” “I’ll stay with you then.” “No, that’s all right. You go ahead. I’ll be okay here by myself.” “Are you sure, Gillian?” “Yes. I’ll be fine, really.” “Okay,” Becca said, starting to walk away, “but don’t stay out here to much longer.” Becca turned and left, and Gillian was alone again. She tipped her head upward and looked at the stars. They seemed so far away. She supposed her problems must seem tiny in comparison with the enormity of the universe.....It was a new year, she thought. A new century. Another chance to start out - all over again. And, for once in her life, to do the right thing, to make the right choice. She got up from the bench and starting walking back towards the house. Suddenly, she felt a stirring behind her and could sense that she was not alone. Turning, she found Jake standing there. “I’ve been looking all over for you, Gillian,” he said. “What are you doing out here?” “Jake,” Gillian said. “I’m glad you’re here. There’s something I need to tell you.”
~ Chapter 33 ~
“Gillian, what is it? What do you want to tell me?” “Jake, I....” she said, trailing of. “Gillian, you’ve been acting very strange, lately. I’ve got to be honest with you, you’re starting to scare me,” he told her. “Jake, I just.....I want us to get married,” Gillian exclaimed, hurriedly. Jake smiled and took her hand. “I thought we already decided that.” “We did,” she said. “But, I want us to get married now.” “Right now?” he asked, joking. “No, not right now. Tomorrow,” Gillian said. “I think we should get married tomorrow.” “Gillian, that’s - why?” he asked, incredulous. “We haven’t even begun to make wedding plans.” “I know. But Grandmama and Edmund will help us,” Gillian said, determinedly. “And, besides, I don’t want a big wedding.....I just can’t wait any longer, Jake.” “Gillian, I don’t know.” “Please, Jake. Please, just do this for me,” she begged, tears beginning to form in her eyes. “All right. If it will make you happy. I don’t care where or when we get married - as long as we get married,” Jake said, reaching out to her. Gillian sighed with relief. “Are you sure you’re okay, Gillian?” he asked. “Yes. I’m positive. In fact, I’m going to go tell Grandmama, right now.” ******************************* “So, Edmund,” Gillian said, “do you think you can help us?” “Yes,” he answered, smiling, “I think we can make it happen. I’ll start working on it first thing in the morning. Where do you want to have the wedding?” “Well, I know I don’t want to have it here in the chapel.” “That’s understandable.” “I was thinking about the Valley Inn, like Tad & Dixie’s wedding.” “Great,” Edmund said, hugging her. “I’m just glad you’re happy. It looks like the party’s winding down. I’m going to go say goodnight to some of the guests.” Shortly after his departure, Gillian saw Becca approaching the table. “Becca,” she said. “Hi, Gillian. I was just getting ready to go. But, I wanted to see how you were doing before I left.” “Perfect,” Gillian answered. “Everything’s just perfect. Jake and I are getting married tomorrow.” “Wow. That’s so soon.” “Yes, well, I didn’t see any reason to postpone it.” “What about Ryan?” Becca asked, lowering her voice. “I was mistaken earlier, about my feelings for him. I was just confused after our kiss - that’s all. Jake is the one I’m supposed to be with. He’s the man I choose. He’s my destiny.” “We don’t choose our destiny,” Becca said, gently. “I’m choosing mine.” “Well, then I hope you’re right,” Becca said, getting up to leave. “I am,” Gillian said, smiling. “Don’t worry.” “Goodnight, Gillian.” Becca walked back to the dressing room to get her wrap. She emerged several minutes later, and went into the main living room to find Scott. “Becca,” Ryan said, stopping her. “I saw you talking to Gillian. How is she?” “She’s all right, I suppose,” Becca said, carefully. “I know you saw me follow her outside,” Ryan said. “When I left, she wasn’t doing too well. I didn’t know if it was such a good idea to live her all alone, but she insisted. And, I thought it was best that I do what she asked.” “Ryan,” Becca said, gently, “I don’t think there’s any easy way for me to tell you this.” “What? What is it, Becca? Is there something wrong with Gillian?” “She’s marrying Jake - tomorrow.” “What?” Ryan asked, stunned. “Why?” “She’s confused,” Becca said. “But, but why so soon?” “I don’t know, Ryan,” Becca said. Becca could tell that he was devastated. And she knew this wasn’t what Gillian really wanted. If only there was some way to let him know what Gillian had told her. But a promise was a promise. And they were never meant to be broken - in any situation. “Maybe,” she said, trying her best to give him a clue, “she wants to hurry and get married before she changes her mind.” Ryan studied her, confused. “Just think about it,” Becca said. Ryan nodded. “Are you going to be okay alone?” she asked. “Yeah. Yeah, you go ahead,” Ryan said, lost in thought. Driving home that night, he couldn’t get Gillian, or the memory of their kiss, out of his mind. After everything that happened between them, there was always still the hope - no matter how small - that, someday, they could work out their problems and give it one more try. But now he was losing her forever.
~ Chapter 34 ~
It was six o’clock in the morning, and Ryan hadn’t gotten any sleep. He spent the first three hours, since he got back to the loft, tossing and turning. Finally, he just gave up and decided to take a walk in the park. In a few short hours, Gillian would be waking up and starting to prepare for her wedding. And there was nothing he could do about it. He had his chances with her, and wasted everyone of them. He had thrown her love away, and he deserved what he got. He supposed it was karma - what goes around comes around. Ryan sat down on a bench, his thoughts turning to Jake, and what was going through his mind right now. He knew exactly how Jake must be feeling. It was indescribable, just knowing that this perfect creature, surely one of God’s missing angels, was in love with you and wanted to spend the rest of her life just being with you. Ryan had known that feeling once in his life, during the short time - exactly a year ago - when he and Gillian had finally admitted their feelings and given in to their love. Staring off into the distance, Ryan let his mind wander. But over and over again, it returned to the same place - Gillian. “My God,” he shouted off into the horizon, “how did I let this happen?! How did I screw this up so badly?!” Ryan had always known he would mess things up with Gillian. Somehow, he’d end up hurting her. That’s why he had to leave to begin with. He hadn’t wanted to leave her then. He just knew she deserved better. He’d only hurt her..........But he never did. When they were together, and happy, for those few brief moments, he would’ve died before he let any harm come to her. No, he never would - never did - hurt her....until he walked away. All the things he did to hurt her, all the pain and misery he caused her, came after he left her - because he left her. The realization hit Ryan like a ton of bricks. He would never hurt Gillian. He knew he never could. That was just an excuse, an excuse to allow him to run away, to make it easy for him to be a coward. And, the further away he ran, the easier it got - until he ran too far. It was as if their souls were tied together, and he could run, and he could hide, but he could only get so far before the rope reached it’s breaking point. Then, he’d feel the tug at his heart, and he had to return to her, because that’s were he belonged. And he knew it. Deep down, he always knew it. Maybe that’s why he ran away. She completed him, but to need someone, to love someone, that much was terrifying. Yet, he knew, that she was the missing piece of the puzzle. Without her, he could never be whole. He needed her. Ryan suddenly realized, he loved her. Still, after all this time, he loved her. He had never stopped loving her. And he knew that, no matter what happened, for the rest of his life - and beyond - he always would love her. And he needed her, just to survive. Ryan’s mind was flooded with memories of their life together, all their best and worst times. But, through it all, they had a love that nothing could destroy. And that was a gift he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, ignore any longer. I’m looking back through the years, down this highway. Memories, they all lead up to this one day. And many dreams lost along the way haunt me still. I guess they always will. When love was too much to bear, I just left it there. Here I stand, face to face, with this heart of mine. Living without you I only fall behind. We had a love most people never find. All this time, I never realized. And the courage I finally found has made me turn around. Ryan could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes. He loved her, with all his heart and soul. She was a part of him, and there was nothing he could do to change that. But, he didn’t want to. He only wanted her. He had to tell her. Somehow, some way, he had to make her see how much he loved her - how much they were destined to be together. And, all this time, he worried that he wasn’t good enough. He’d thought that she deserved better. He was sure that he had nothing to give her. But, he was wrong. He could give her a love, so pure, so strong, so complete. He could give her the same gift she gave him - complete and utter happiness. Various scenes of the life flashed before him: their wedding day; the explosion at holidays; the day Mr. Pinkerton came to tell him he was finally free, only to realize that he never wanted to be; Christmas Eve, when they made love all night long; holding her in his arms at the Crystal Ball, knowing that even as his world crashed in around him, as long as he had Gillian, it was okay; the days when they were on the run together, the two of them against the world; even when he was all alone, locked up in a jail cell, it was the memories of her love that kept him alive; then, the night at the boarding house, when he took her in his arms and held her after she’d had a bad dream; at the opening of SOS, when he danced with her, and kissed her passionately, only to agree to a divorce; and later that night, when he brought her home, giddy and very intoxicated, and he knew then, when he looked at her, that he could never love another woman. Throwing all of that away, for whatever reason, was the biggest mistake of his life. I can still hear the song of your laughter. I can still taste the sorrow of your tears. We said goodbye, but our hearts did not hear. Now, my love, there’s nothing left to fear. With all my heart’s put me through, it leads me back to you. There is only one road I’m walking. Only one lifetime. One heart to guide me. Only one road I’m walking. But I’m gonna run back. I’m gonna run back. ‘Cause I need you right here, beside me. No matter what Gillian said, Ryan knew that she still loved him. She felt the intensity of their love, of that tie between them, just as much as he did. He just had to make her remember - and admit it. Ryan knew he was taking a huge risk, after all this time, to suddenly declare his love. But, he didn’t care. He knew now what he needed to do, and nothing could change his mind. He had to stop the wedding.
“Only One Road” Celine Dion