In the grand tradition of collections such as Peter Anspach's Evil Overlord List and the RPG Cliché List, the Thunder Dome would like to present to you its very own list - a definitive guide for surviving in the Power Ranger Universe, should you ever suddenly find yourself transported there. Keep the Survival Guide for the Power Ranger Universe with you at all times, and you'll be able to take whatever that world is going to dish out - and if you’re lucky, you may even make it back for a second series.
Enjoy!
1. Always be sure to catch last year's Sentai. You'll know exactly what's going to happen when, and you'll be ready for it.
2. Keep a dossier on all the supervillains operating in your area. That way, if one of them approaches you, you won't mistakenly accept a gift or ask for help - you'll run like hell.
3. If you're a villain, and one of your henchman is far too subservient (and not a bumbling loser), then kill him/her immediately. Chances are they were planning something huge.
4. If the team of Power Rangers suddenly gain a sixth member, skip town as soon as possible. Especially if the sixth Ranger brings his own zord. Either the Ranger or his zord is going to turn evil sooner rather than later, and you'd be much safer several continents away.
5. If you have a son or daughter who is a child genius, then at some point in time, they're gonna be wearing the spandex - or at the very least, have a crucially-important guest spot.
6. Read your contract carefully. If there's anything about a Peace Conference, count your blessings while you still can.
7. You can get away with packing lightly, since you won't be changing clothes that often. But if your contract mentions a second series - you should try to bring a second set of clothes, preferably in a different colour scheme.
8. If you lose a Megazord in battle with the monster of the week, relax. The PRU has Megazords like dogs have fleas - some more will appear out of nowhere soon enough.
9. If you're the Red Ranger, get set for a whole lot of angst and a sordid backstory or two. And you'll also get the crap beaten out of you on a routine basis. But never fear - as the epitome of masculinity, you'll always get the girl.
9a. However, if you wait too long to tell the Pink Ranger how you feel, she'll either go to the Pan Global Games, or to the year 3000. Make your move while you can.
10. If you're the Pink Ranger, you're gonna fall in love with him eventually, it's only a matter of time. Try not to get killed off, and definitely stay away from any Savage Swords.
11. If you're the Blue Ranger, be glad that everyone loved Billy. Don't be too angry with Justin, he couldn't help it.
12. And if you're the Sixth Ranger, then be thankful - you will be the coolest Ranger on the team, hands down. And the only Psycho Ranger you ever had to deal with was Zhane in fancy dress.
12a. But remember - no matter how powerful you are, within two or three episodes, you'll still get your butt kicked just as thoroughly as anybody else.
13. If you see Leo arrive at any stage, then stand back - whoever you are, you're about to become a minor character for the next few episodes. But don't worry too much, he's the one who'll end up half dead by the time the battle's over.
14. Major villains should always have their wills signed and dated by the time the season finale rolls around.
15. The number of times you change your hairstyle is not a good test of how powerful you really are.
16. Managing to defeat Tommy while adorned with the Perm of Power (tm) is.
17. If you seemingly die, then don't cry too much, you'll be back before the season finale. Sometimes, even earlier.
18. Avoid the Abandoned Warehouse District like the plague. After the first or second zord battle, you'll know why.
19. If the season finale is approaching and you're rather attached to your zords, for goodness' sake keep Tommy away from the self-destruct controls. Tie him down if you have to. Just trust me on this one.
20. Once you graduate college and you're looking for a job, forget about being a doctor or an engineer - the real money is in Building and House Insurance. Trust me.
21. If you're friends with one of five or six teens who each wear a strange watch and who all have a different monochromatic color scheme in their wardrobe, be careful. You're gonna get kidnapped. If you're friends with all five, you'll probably get kidnapped a lot.
21a. If you're friends with all five and don't get kidnapped a lot, you better throw out half your wardrobe. You're about to become a Power Ranger.
22. If Zedd's around, try not to get too attached to any one object. Sooner or later, it's gonna become a monster.
23. If there's a major holiday that involves the entire town gathering in the park together, stay home. Doubly important if it's "Power Ranger Day."
24. And for that matter, stay away from all major daylight gatherings, or special occasions in general.
25. Never take part in contests and/or charity fund-raisers. You're just asking for trouble.
25a. On a related note, if you're a Ranger, do your best to avoid charity work. By staying away you'll do more good in the long run. Sure, the orphanage may close if you can’t break the previous chin up record, but that's probably better than having the building targeted by a monster and all the kids kidnapped.
26. Also avoid taking part in any martial arts tournaments.
26a. On the other hand, if you are brave enough to enter a martial arts contest, don't worry about losing the prize money. The cheque is already made out to you.
27. If you’re an astronaut, never ever open, or even approach, anything that looks like a Dumpster.
28. If you're evil, avoid any and all glowing alien crystals.
29. If you're a Ranger, set your communicator to vibrate instead of beep. That way, none of your teachers will mistake it for a beeper when it goes off (and you just know it will) and confiscate it.
30. Always avoid physically holding dimensional portals wide open. It's just never a good idea.
31. Try to spend time with your family, as opposed to a group of four other friends. That way, you won't get caught in the middle of an earthquake, be teleported to some bizarre outpost in the middle of the desert, and be forced into wearing very unflattering spandex.
32. If you absolutely must fall in love with someone, try and fall in love with someone who is already a Ranger. It'll save you a lot of grief and anguish in the long run.
33. If you are a member of a Power Ranger team led by Tommy, try not to get too attached to any one Megazord. You'll be going through quite a few of them.
34. Be sure to see a qualified psychiatrist to be cured of all phobias. That way, you won't let the badguys play off of your fear. It'll just end up stressing you out even more.
35. Always make sure your zords have a back-up power source. That way, when one of the villains darkens the sky (and you can bet on it), you can switch to reserve power, and keep fighting.
36. Likewise, if you're a villain and your only power is darkening the sky whenever the climactic battle rolls around...then get a new job.
37. If people often say that you look Asian from far away, but up close you're obviously Caucasian or African American or whatever, become a shut in. Just trust me on this one.
38. If you live in Mariner Bay and don't have any superpowers, try and carry around a loaded Super Soaker at all times.
39. Weird time travel problems? Trust me, the Rangers are either in the Wild West or going to be there eventually.
40. If you're a villain and the season finale is steadily approaching, try your best to change sides. Helping the Rangers is a definite plus. It won't improve your chances of survival, but you will leave the show with your dignity intact, and won't have to appear in next year's team-up.
41. If you're ever summoned back from the Shadow World after an untimely demise, do not immediately swear revenge on those who killed you in the first place, because chances are they will happily do it again. Count your blessings and hightail it outta there.
42. If your Megazord comes equipped with a shield as one of its standard weapons, it probably wouldn't hurt to actually use the damn thing once in a while.
43. If you ever attend a yard sale, do your best not to buy any crystals, strange coins, funky watches, etc. Trust me on that one.
44. Sometimes, you just have to pick a side. Especially when the ground is cracking open under your feet.
45. In a pinch, "Never give up," can substitute for a real, thought-out plan.
46. I know it sucks, but just deal with it - the Red Ranger beats the pants off the rest of the team. IOW, no matter how better qualified to lead you are, the Red Ranger will end up leading the team.
47. Blowing up zords left, right and centre is only a good plan for the bad guys. Just trust me on this.
48. If you're ever fighting a Red or Sixth Ranger, and he inexplicably rips off his t-shirt for no apparent reason, then kiss your butt good-bye. You're finished.
49. An open letter to all villains: Any item of great power that is destined to be owned by the good guys, or sentient enough to choose good over evil, should be well and truly left alone. If the heroes don't know about it, going after it will only draw their attention, and you just know that won't end in your favour.
50. If you have telekinetic ability, be sure to remind the writers, since chances are, they'll forget about it quite early.
51. No matter what you're designing, building or inventing, always be sure to include a "self-destruct" feature. Heaven knows somebody's gonna need to blow the thing up eventually.
52. No matter how far back (or forward) in time you go, there will always be a familiar face - all of your ancestors look exactly like you do.
53. If a couple of your team members suddenly change voices and are nowhere to be seen in their off-time, don't think anything of it. But don't be surprised if they leave soon.
54. Don't worry about language barriers. Regardless of whether you're dealing with an international diplomat, foreign exchange student, tourist, baby raised in the Amazon, alien, monster, demon, mutant, robot, super-villain or sentient force of nature, everybody will speak perfect English.
54a. If your opponent doesn't speak any recognisable language, it's obviously evil. Kill it!
55. Although it probably is much more fun if you give monsters a sporting chance, it wouldn't hurt to actually try and stop the monster from growing large in the first place once in a while.
56. No matter how thoroughly you destroy the monster, it can still be made gigantic.
57. Note to monsters - this probably still won't help.
58. When it doubt, aim for the "Z".
59. Dress in layers. The Youth Center has a reputation for messy situations involving food.
60. Learning to dodge pies is a MUST!
61. An open letter to all good guys: once you've trapped and contained the villain, do not simply disassemble his weapons of mass-destruction and leave them handily nearby, in perfect working condition. For the love of Animus, keeping all your eggs in one basket isn't always the way to go.
62. No matter how long your morphing or combining sequence takes, monsters will never attack until it is complete and you've had the opportunity to look cool. Be thankful monsters have just as much sense for style as the show's producers.
63. Regardless of how serious your injuries in battle are, you will always recover and return to bail out your friends in the nick of time.
64. If you and your five friends have a special hang-out, go ahead and whisper about Ranger business without worrying about being overheard. Nobody in this Universe ever eavesdrops.
65. Also, it's perfectly all right to answer your communicator and teleport from public places on a regular basis. Your frequent sudden disappearances will never appear odd.
66. If you simply cannot figure out the evil villain's master plan, just get captured. Then he'll tell you all about it.
67. Never worry about being out-numbered. There may be hundreds (if not thousands) of footsoldiers in the villain's army, but they'll only be sent down in batches of five to ten at a time. The big invasion won't be happening until much later.
68. Wandering around a modern-day city with pink or green hair, or while wearing a tunic or other unusual item of dress, will not alert people to the fact that you are a Power Ranger (or that you have superpowers in general). But wearing a white jump-suit and a pair of oakleys is as good as a fifty-foot neon sign.
69. Always be sure to have somebody on your team who has the ability to communicate with animals. Even if you have to hire Dr. Dolittle himself, trust me, you'll need them in the long run.
70. When morphing (and trying to protect your secret identity), avoid closed-in spaces like photo booths or your own house, and always morph in the middle of the Youth Centre, or in broad daylight standing in a public street. For some reason these locations will guarantee you complete and total privacy.
71. If you were raised in the Amazon, on the Serengeti or in some other exotic location and suddenly have to travel to a large city, you will not have to learn another language, and will adapt to your new surroundings in about three episodes. Heck, you'll probably be able to burn CDs within a matter of minutes!
72. Speaking of the above, the INS won't be an issue, either. Who needs a green card when you're kicking butt and saving the world?
73. If you see the Dragonzord rise from the water, never take shelter in the building with the red-striped smokestack. In fact, run like heck in the opposite direction. It'll be the first thing Dragonzord destroys, just wait.
74. When designing a space colony, don't forget to include an abandoned warehouse section. After the first or second zord battle, you'll be glad you have it.
75. In spite of the fact that the villians know your secret identity and where you live, don't worry about coming under attack while you're at home. Villains respect down-time.
76. If you ever see a giant deer and then hear singing immediately afterwards...run like hell. Trust me, just run. Honestly, don't stop until you hit the border.
77. Likewise, if you ever see a 12-year-old get out of a blue truck, run like the wind in the opposite direction. You'll thank me later.
78. Frogs are cool. Just ask Dulcea.
79. Don't worry about the responsibility of being a teenage superhero - you can travel to different dimensions, fight armies of monsters, save the day and still be home before your parents even wonder where you keep disappearing to.
80. If you work for the government and a kid rushes up to you in torn clothes, he probably really does know Zordon. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
81. Lost your badguy? Try the park first and the warehouse district second. And if all else fails, head over to the abandoned rock quarry. An absolute monster-magnet, I'm telling ya.
82. If your father has an evil twin determined to rule the world, don't expect him to tell you about it. After all, where's the fun in that?
83. All Red Rangers should at least try to learn how to ride a horse. You just never know.
84. Just because your Sentai-counterpart got a motorcycle does not necessarily mean that you'll get one.
85. If you're a villain, don't worry about the Power Rangers taking their fully assembled Megazord to your base and stomping it into oblivion. It's just not done.
86. If one of your team-mates appears to be under a love spell, then they probably are under a love spell. Sheesh.
87. No matter how terrified you are of heights, you'll never get scared once you're in your Megazord. Weird but true.
88. If you have a family member or close personal friend that has a unique fighting style, learn it as quickly as you can. When you become a Ranger, it'll come in handy.
89. Thirsty and out of cash? Just head over to the Juice Bar. Ernie's such a great guy that he never makes you pay for anything.
89a. Not that it matters, since odds are, the world will need saving long before you get to finish your drink anyway.
90. Comets are not made of rock and ice, they are actually giant fireballs. And just don't think about the impossibilities there.
91. Always, always, always - remember to pose. Pounding the ground isn't necessary, but does look good (particularly if something behind you is about to spectacularly explode).
92. Reports of costumed superheroes battling conquering aliens from the depths of space are nothing more than urban legends...right up to the point where a Megazord stands on your house.
93. Always remember the rule of origins - during its first appearance, any new Ranger, weapon, monster, zord or supervillain will be incredibly powerful. However, this weapon or character will become increasingly depowered in all subsequent appearances, until you eventually have to wonder what all the fuss was about in the first place.
94. If the evil zords you're building to fight and destroy the Rangers are incredibly powerful and totally invulnerable except for a single, tiny, impossible-to-hit weak point... then don't even bother.
95. The same goes for the monsters and grunt troops you send down to fight the Rangers as well (and I'm lookin' right at you Zedd). It's better to sort out the kinks in the test-stage, rather than watch your troops fail miserably out in the field.
96. No matter how technologically-advanced your civilisation is - for instance, time-travel or space-flight might be common and everyday occurrences - the primary weapon for your Megazord will always be a honkin' big ass sword.
97. Lost your powers in the season finale? Don't worry about it - just kick back, take it easy, and wait until next year's team-up. Besides, they're bound to do another 'Forever Red' eventually, right?
98. A note to all Red Rangers - the battlizer is on its way. Just be patient, thank Andros, and wait your turn.
99. Remember - Tommy is your king. Pay him all due respect...
100. ...except, of course, when Jason's around. BOO-FREAKIN'-YAH!
This list is most definitely a collaborative effort. For all their contributions, I'd just like to thank my learned colleagues and friends from the Comic Book Rumbles - Angel P, Stretch Dude and Z-mage - as well as Carol, TrixyruimRanger, Watchermark, PlatinumRanger, Puperazzi, Justice RGB, Chris D. Mid, Knuckles, ADD, TyrannoForceRed, YellowRangerBoy, J. T. Miley, PurpleWindRanger, JetMegaMan, D-Wolf, RedStarRanger, Dark Megazord and Dragon Access.
Thanks for reading :).
