The Blindspot (September 4th, 2000)

This has been among the hardest pieces for me to write because the residue of what I used to be is still here, and it recalls exceptionally bad feelings. The Summer of 2000 was certainly the worst of my life.

I’ve spoken to psychiatrists about what happened to me on September 4th, 2000. Their reaction was mostly the same; I was experiencing a hypo-manic episode. The first psych I told (on September 6th, 2000) sent me to the hospital for an emergency psychiatric evaluation. Their conclusion was that I was “expansive”. The only therapist who came close to understanding - likely because she was the only one who really tried - told me that what I had was equivalent to a “religious experience”; I don’t remember the clinical term she used. I explained to her that I am not religious; my transformation was driven by pure logic.

A - if not the - major factor in what was going wrong was the behavior of my daughter. I had a dreadful feeling that she just might be insane. I understood her better than anyone, and I had had success reaching her, but the success was limited. The AH-child is subject to incredible explosions of rage. For example, she’ll find a dirty piece of paper in the gutter, and would want to bring it home. In every situation of this type where we say no, she’d start whining, then immediately or eventually explode with rage. She keeps screaming that it is so unfair.


This is where my narrative starts - my thought process on September 4th, 2000:

What the hell does she mean? She has no idea of what’s unfair. She has always gotten exactly what she’s wanted. In contrast, my life has been really unfair. I’m not a bad person, but some people have been out to get me. I realize that most of it probably isn’t intentional - they have a set of rules and I just don’t fit into these rules. But what if she really is just like me? And what if her behavior can explain why I feel so awful about myself? Have I been treated unfairly? Absolutely. But what if it wasn’t everyone else's fault? What if it was no one’s fault, but especially not mine?

Looking back at my life, and considering what a reactionary pain in the ass I am, I really wasn’t actively disliked by many; in fact, I am actually liked by most people. But why do I feel like such a complete and utter failure? I am a failure in one (and only one) way; financially. But even this is relative - I have never lived in poverty, although I have never had many material needs. I’ve overcome incredible odds to make it this far. I have completed the coursework for a Ph.D. in Mathematics, without a correct diagnosis and without Adderall. I have been incredibly blessed in so many ways.

Is that part of AH-child’s behavior which manifests itself when she says “it’s so unfair” the same part of me that feels I’ve been screwed by the world? Hallowell said that ADDers are poor self-observers. What if - contrary to my current self-assessment of being introspective - that I am actually a very bad self-observer, possibly as bad as AH-child? She regrets what she’s done after the fact, but only because she is made to feel the consequences of her actions directly.


Narrative over. In the next five seconds, my personality literally changed. I suddenly felt strong emotions other than mostly rage and some sorrow. But then, over the next few hours, an entire lifetime of repressed emotion was released, and it nearly killed me, I think. Or maybe my brain was on the brink of short circuiting; I’m not sure. For the first time in my life, I was able to mentally step outside myself and logically infer how my behavior appeared to others. Note carefully that I didn’t say, “I saw myself as others see me”, because I still can’t see that - that’s why I call it The Blindspot.

Beyond what I’ve described thus far, it gets weird, and I’m not even sure how to put it into words. However, I will say that even though my financial situation has actually gotten much, much worse, I will never go back to feeling so dismal about myself. I have achieved a level of peace I never thought possible, and I have solved the mystery of my life at a sufficiently young age that there’s still time to enjoy it.

I don’t know exactly how this can be applied to others, but I’m sure it can be done. I can now express my thoughts and feelings to AH-child in such a way that it apparently affects her on the subconscious level. The role I serve for her goes far beyond the traditional concept of an ADD/ADHD “coach” - I am her “super-advocate”. I make it explicitly clear that I will defend her against anyone (and I do mean anyone) who tries to violate her rights in any way.

As an example, when she starts to indirectly see that her prior outburst may have been unjustified and then feels awful about herself, I will say to her, “You have a very poor sense of what is fair, and what isn’t, and such a person is doomed to be miserable for the rest of their life. You have very strong feelings, and they are giving you very bad information. The only way out of feeling so terrible is for you to trust me.” This seems to work for her, better than Adderall and better than all other medication and therapies.